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[Fantasy] Feedback: Barbarian Legends

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LadyDefiant

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Mar 24, 2014
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6
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1941863&page=submissions

So I've been writing this ongoing, mostly standalone group of fantasy stories for a while now, but the comment boards are basically dead. I really just want feedback so I can know what people that read them want to see. I'm a panderer by nature, I guess!

What do you like about Valda's stories? What don't you like? What do you want to see? Should there be more continuity, less, or about the same? Any comments/questions will be considered.
 
Hi!

I have just finished the first chapter and I liked it quite a bit.

Barbarian women and orcs are pretty high up on my "hot" list, so the setup was a good start. You also seem to have a pretty clear idea about your world. There wasn't a ton of world-building, but what was there intrigued me. Also, you escalated the sex quite nicely.

Now to the things I didn't like. First, I have to ask a question: Could it be that you're not a native speaker? You make some odd word choices and some of your phrases are off. For example, when describing the orc fighting rituals, you write

"So they incorporated their unfortunate position with their passion for sports and made sex the prize..."

You incorporate something into something. Or a bit further down, describing the orc overbite:

"and her mouth sported the orcs' peculiar, quite prominent fangs coming from the canines of her lower jaw, poking out of her mouth and into her upper lip."

First, the fangs come from the lower jaw, because fangs are usually elongated canines, and they grow over the upper lip, not into it. That's rather painful. Just try biting your own upper or lower lip and you see what I mean.

Individually, these things are no big deal, but on this one Lit page, there are so many of them, they trip me up and diminish my reading experience. If you didn't already do it, I strongly urge you to find a volunteer editor. A second pair of eyes usually is enough to catch all these hiccups and make your story much more enjoyable for everybody to read.

One other minor gripe is about your heroine. I know we're talking "fantasy" here, but she's too perfect. No scars whatsoever? Especially when her battle attire, as you mention, consists of only a few strips of cloth? Even a veteran swordmaster either wears enough blade-turning material or sports a few scars telling of days where he or she wasn't quite on top of their game. They don't need to be disfiguring, but "the faint remains of her scars told a knowing onlooker of her past victories and failures" sounds to me much more interesting than "she was all silky, unblemished skin". But that's a strictly personal gripe.

After reading that one chapter, I'm definitely looking forwards to more, despite the technical hiccups.

If you still can stand me after this critique, feel free to ask me if no one else wants to help you. I'd be glad to offer my services.
 
Blind_Justice said:
Hi!

I have just finished the first chapter and I liked it quite a bit.

Barbarian women and orcs are pretty high up on my "hot" list, so the setup was a good start. You also seem to have a pretty clear idea about your world. There wasn't a ton of world-building, but what was there intrigued me. Also, you escalated the sex quite nicely.

Now to the things I didn't like. First, I have to ask a question: Could it be that you're not a native speaker? You make some odd word choices and some of your phrases are off. For example, when describing the orc fighting rituals, you write

"So they incorporated their unfortunate position with their passion for sports and made sex the prize..."

You incorporate something into something. Or a bit further down, describing the orc overbite:

"and her mouth sported the orcs' peculiar, quite prominent fangs coming from the canines of her lower jaw, poking out of her mouth and into her upper lip."

First, the fangs come from the lower jaw, because fangs are usually elongated canines, and they grow over the upper lip, not into it. That's rather painful. Just try biting your own upper or lower lip and you see what I mean.

Individually, these things are no big deal, but on this one Lit page, there are so many of them, they trip me up and diminish my reading experience. If you didn't already do it, I strongly urge you to find a volunteer editor. A second pair of eyes usually is enough to catch all these hiccups and make your story much more enjoyable for everybody to read.

One other minor gripe is about your heroine. I know we're talking "fantasy" here, but she's too perfect. No scars whatsoever? Especially when her battle attire, as you mention, consists of only a few strips of cloth? Even a veteran swordmaster either wears enough blade-turning material or sports a few scars telling of days where he or she wasn't quite on top of their game. They don't need to be disfiguring, but "the faint remains of her scars told a knowing onlooker of her past victories and failures" sounds to me much more interesting than "she was all silky, unblemished skin". But that's a strictly personal gripe.

After reading that one chapter, I'm definitely looking forwards to more, despite the technical hiccups.

If you still can stand me after this critique, feel free to ask me if no one else wants to help you. I'd be glad to offer my services.
Click to expand...

Thanks for all the detailed help!

I write these with a partner and we both look it over for editing, so I think we still miss some bad sentences just because one of us typed it and yeaahhh. We're both english speakers.

As far as the lack of scars: that's a personal preference, but one I'm going to justify when we start talking about magic in this universe. Valda has had scars before, but she got them taken care of, essentially.

I would love the help! A third person could definitely catch things we don't. And I'm glad you look forward to more, let me know what you think of the next few!
 
Have you activated "Private Messages" in your User Control Panel? It would make exchanging contact info a bit easier.

To do so, click on "User CP" in the upper left of the screen, then "Edit Settings" and then "Enable Private Messages" a bit down the list of options.

Rest assured, I'm not a spammer or stalker, I just want to help :)
 
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I just read the first two chapters of your story.

The first thing I notice is that there's a lot of telling the reader what is going on, and not much showing. And that's not "wrong" in and of itself, because every writer has to find the balance. The problem I had in this instance is that it got boring. "Valda did this..." "The orc woman did that..." etc.

There wasn't much description of feelings, physical or emotional. I couldn't get invested in Valda because there wasn't much there to be invested in. Okay, she's a strong woman who goes around having sex with various beings. Then what? Why should I care about her? Are these just a series of scenes of her having sex, or is there an overall story -- is she trying to get from point A to B?

I have to agree with Blind Justice that it makes little sense for an accomplished warrior, even one with lightning reflexes or speed, to not wear some kind of armor. And if she doesn't want to wear armor, then it stands to reason she'd have some scars. She simply can't come out of every encounter completely unscathed.

It reminds me of a comment I read about "The Walking Dead" TV show, where a character was wearing shorts and a halter top -- this in a world where one zombie bite means you turn into zombie PDQ. Not smart.

Anyway, back to the story. I also found the start of chapter one dragged, and details were dropped and left there. Why did she paint the symbols on her skin? She wasn't going anywhere, and if it was an intimidation tactic, that wasn't mentioned, and the orc knew her strength anyway.

If the orcs can't take anyone into their beds, which I gather was meant literally, why don't the women just have sex on the floor? Or set up a soft cushion? Then it wouldn't be the bed. Or go have sex in the unmarried orc's bed if one of them is married?

Finally, to get mildly scientific. :) I have an interest in sea creatures although I am by no means an expert. However, many animals have dark tops and light bottoms -- a predator looking down won't see them against the darkness of the ocean floor, and one looking up won't see them against the light coming down. Your merfolk could work that way.

I won't get into the issues of water pressure. :)
 
They can take people into their beds whenever they want. That line was just to say that they weren't allowed to have sex outside of marriage until this ritual was invented.
 
LadyDefiant said:
They can take people into their beds whenever they want. That line was just to say that they weren't allowed to have sex outside of marriage until this ritual was invented.
Click to expand...

But why? Why does the ritual make it okay? I know it's not that important to the story, I'm just curious. :)

So, they can literally have someone in their bed, i.e., sleep next to someone they aren't married to, but they can't have sex with someone else if they're married? Wow, how human. ;)
 
PennLady said:
But why? Why does the ritual make it okay? I know it's not that important to the story, I'm just curious. :)

So, they can literally have someone in their bed, i.e., sleep next to someone they aren't married to, but they can't have sex with someone else if they're married? Wow, how human. ;)
Click to expand...

Well, it does say that they're civilized. So they have all those weird cultural hangups normal people do. And they're expected to sleep with people they "conquer" in the arena nowadays. Sorry if I didn't go into enough detail, I wanted to get right into the sex without going through the whole history of this orc city that's only in one chapter.
 
LadyDefiant said:
Well, it does say that they're civilized. So they have all those weird cultural hangups normal people do. And they're expected to sleep with people they "conquer" in the arena nowadays. Sorry if I didn't go into enough detail, I wanted to get right into the sex without going through the whole history of this orc city that's only in one chapter.
Click to expand...

No, no, you don't need to go into that kind of detail. :) But just because they're civilized, doesn't mean they have to have a civilization such as we're familiar with. I've read a number of nonhuman stories, or example, that are set in current times and the weres or shifters are quite civilized, but within their own culture, they're far more open about sex even if a couple is married or, as those stories usually put it, mated.

At any rate, that was just geeking out a little. To be more serious with the story, like I said, I think I had two main problems. One, I didn't find Valda a very compelling or interesting character. Two, despite all the sex, there wasn't much "action" in terms of the story -- everything is told to the reader, and nothing is shown. That is, nothing (or little) is revealed via character interaction or dialogue, which at least provides some variation in the story telling.
 
I see. Thoughts on the rest of the chapters? Valda tends to have more complicated goals/motivation as these things go (well, not complicated really, she still wants sex and stuff mainly, but you know), one of my goals is for her personality to slowly be revealed more and more. So I'd like to know if you think she's more interesting by the later chapters.
 
I thought these were fun and well-done, but agree that they really lacked substance. They seemed more like the sex scenes taken out of a longer and more complex work rather than stand-alone chapters. One of the reasons I read fantasy and sci-fi is for the details of world-building. If I want to get to the sex quick with a stroker, that's easy to find. For a story in which I want to invest the time for reading multiple chapters, it needs to have a compelling setting, compelling plot, compelling characters or, ideally, all three. You've clearly got the writing chops and creativity to make this a full meal, so I find the snack approach dissatisfying.
 
LadyDefiant said:
I see. Thoughts on the rest of the chapters? Valda tends to have more complicated goals/motivation as these things go (well, not complicated really, she still wants sex and stuff mainly, but you know), one of my goals is for her personality to slowly be revealed more and more. So I'd like to know if you think she's more interesting by the later chapters.
Click to expand...

I've just finished all the chapters, and I still don't know what Valda's goals or motivations are. She likes sex, so she's motivated to have it, I suppose, but otherwise, nothing has changed. I don't really know anything more about her than I did to start with. If I'd come across these stories on my own, I'd have quit after chapter two or so because as freya said, there just isn't much substance here.

I have to admit, I didn't get the stuff with the milk in Ch 3. I gathered that the milk was coming from Valda, but why? It didn't happen before. If Valda is human, she wouldn't have milk unless she'd had a child and was nursing it. If it was part of the magic, okay, but I wasn't sure.
 
That's unfortunate. :( I can at least give you a hint on the milk though: if you look closely, all the "spells" are regular sentences spelled backwards.
 
LadyDefiant said:
That's unfortunate. :( I can at least give you a hint on the milk though: if you look closely, all the "spells" are regular sentences spelled backwards.
Click to expand...

I actually did get the backwards stuff -- made me smile. Now I see the basis, but I didn't get it at the time because well, those aren't usually juices that flow during sex. But okay.
 
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