the dating game-bdsm style

the captians wench said:

*giggles* brilliant.

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thank you. Thats actually how Sir and i got to realizing W/we connected on more ways than either thought.

doveofserenity said:

thank you. Thats actually how Sir and i got to realizing W/we connected on more ways than either thought.

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*giggles*

I guess I'm a little spoiled, the last few people I've met, I've known we've had at least...that...incommon. *giggles*

the captians wench said:

*giggles*

I guess I'm a little spoiled, the last few people I've met, I've known we've had at least...that...incommon. *giggles*

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~grins~Meeting new people in this little county, they are either at the bars for pickup, fishing, mud running, paint balling (and those suckers HURT when they hit on a tit) or hunting...and that could be squirrel, deer, or chicks.

So being "in common" around here is very rare. i just happened to cross fates path, i guess. ~shrugs~

And very happy with that path.

doveofserenity said:

~grins~Meeting new people in this little county, they are either at the bars for pickup, fishing, mud running, paint balling (and those suckers HURT when they hit on a tit) or hunting...and that could be squirrel, deer, or chicks.

So being "in common" around here is very rare. i just happened to cross fates path, i guess. ~shrugs~

And very happy with that path.

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since my ex husband, there has only been one person I didn't meet online first. He picked me up at walmart, should have listened to my warning signs then. live and learn

Primalex said:

No offense, but the very second a woman would ask me this on the very first date, I would be gone, especially if she asked for details about my job/income before.

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I don't think I would ask it on a first date, or as an opener, lol, but it's a valid question. And hey, not every woman wants to get married.

Wench, would you like to get married again? Forgive me if you said this already.

When I think about entertaining a relationship which might get serious (for me, marriage), I have a set of criteria:

(1) Must be Jewish or be Jewishly fluent and able to commit to having a Jewish home;
(2) Must be financially stable (i.e., no crazy spending sprees);
(3) Must be self-aware and able to be truly conscious in a relationship; and
(4) If he has kids, he has shared or sole custody.

Btw, I'm not saying if you don't meet this criteria, you're a big asshole. It's just not going to work out, because those are non-negotiable items for me.

Now, these work for me, because it reflects what I need. I think it's important to really think about who you are, wench, and what you need. The more you know yourself, the easier it becomes to ascertain who you're looking for.

intothewoods said:

I don't think I would ask it on a first date, or as an opener, lol, but it's a valid question. And hey, not every woman wants to get married.

Wench, would you like to get married again? Forgive me if you said this already.

When I think about entertaining a relationship which might get serious (for me, marriage), I have a set of criteria:

(1) Must be Jewish or be Jewishly fluent and able to commit to having a Jewish home;
(2) Must be financially stable (i.e., no crazy spending sprees);
(3) Must be self-aware and able to be truly conscious in a relationship; and
(4) If he has kids, he has shared or sole custody.

Btw, I'm not saying if you don't meet this criteria, you're a big asshole. It's just not going to work out, because those are non-negotiable items for me.

Now, these work for me, because it reflects what I need. I think it's important to really think about who you are, wench, and what you need. The more you know yourself, the easier it becomes to ascertain who you're looking for.

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This is exactly why this is such odd timing for me...besides the fact that I was looking for a few hours of entertainment for one night online.

I have mentioned a few times in various places that I have spent the past month or so trying to figure out what it is I want. I do want to have a wedding, but I'm not sure I want to get married again (of course I would need to get devorsed first. ). I know I would like to have some one who was able to spend a night, a weekend, a week maybe with me but I don't really want to live with some one at this point. I enjoy living alone for the most part, there are a few nights that I wish I had some thing to snuggle other than my body pillow, but I just don't want to be tripping over some one all of the time. I'm not even sure if I want kids anymore, where that was once my "mission in life".

I'm at a crossroads in my life where I have more questions than answers, and up comes along some one who...omg...has me really considering a future! It's nuts!

the captians wench said:

This is exactly why this is such odd timing for me...besides the fact that I was looking for a few hours of entertainment for one night online.

I have mentioned a few times in various places that I have spent the past month or so trying to figure out what it is I want. I do want to have a wedding, but I'm not sure I want to get married again (of course I would need to get devorsed first. ). I know I would like to have some one who was able to spend a night, a weekend, a week maybe with me but I don't really want to live with some one at this point. I enjoy living alone for the most part, there are a few nights that I wish I had some thing to snuggle other than my body pillow, but I just don't want to be tripping over some one all of the time. I'm not even sure if I want kids anymore, where that was once my "mission in life".

I'm at a crossroads in my life where I have more questions than answers, and up comes along some one who...omg...has me really considering a future! It's nuts!

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Well, and let's not forget my advanced elderly status.

That you have more questions than answers is awesome, wench. I think you are right where you should be! And good for you for thinking about this stuff. Many people never do.

dove brings up another issue:

When talking safety rules, it's been mentioned here a lot, no play on the first meeting. And I'll admit, it's a rule I don't always seem to follow, but I make it clear that it is not my intention, and the possibilities are slim.

So, do you play on the first date?

Would you get into a car with some one you just had lunch with? I think that one worries me more...some how.

When do you give it up? second, third, forth meeting? or do you just go with the flow, no regrets?

the captians wench said:

dove brings up another issue:

When talking safety rules, it's been mentioned here a lot, no play on the first meeting. And I'll admit, it's a rule I don't always seem to follow, but I make it clear that it is not my intention, and the possibilities are slim.

So, do you play on the first date?

Would you get into a car with some one you just had lunch with? I think that one worries me more...some how.

When do you give it up? second, third, forth meeting? or do you just go with the flow, no regrets?

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Normally I would advise against playing on the first date but it would depend on how much time you spent talking to them on-line, phone etc. The first time I met my Dom in person we met in the bar of the hotel and less than 2 minutes later he was walking me out to my car to get my stuff and heading up to his room. We were having sex within the hour. Two hours after that I was blindfolded, restrained and getting caned with 3 of his friends in the room, too. Even now that sounds so insane., BUT...I have always trusted my instincts, I had been chatting with him by phone for at least 3 hrs a day for 5 months previosly. We were both very active regulars on a message board where I could see how he acted with other people. We did all the safety things--safe calls, etc. But mostly, like I said I trusted my instincts and I trusted him. I am still with him almost 3 years later so I guess my instincts were right.

the captians wench said:

So, do you play on the first date?

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I don't date, but I do meet potential play partners here and there. Haven't played on the first meeting with any of them. I'm not going to play unles sI a comfortable with a person, and the sort of comfort takes a meeting or two to gel.

The only time I've gone against that was at a play party. Admittedly, it resulted in a wonderfully satisfying scene, but it is the exception, not the rule. That environment is probably the only place in which I would feel comfortable with playing with someone on the first meeting. In a situation like that, everyone in attendance is at least cognizant of the possibility of play, whether they choose to do so or not. Different energy as a result.

Homburg said:

I don't date, but I do meet potential play partners here and there. Haven't played on the first meeting with any of them. I'm not going to play unles sI a comfortable with a person, and the sort of comfort takes a meeting or two to gel.

The only time I've gone against that was at a play party. Admittedly, it resulted in a wonderfully satisfying scene, but it is the exception, not the rule. That environment is probably the only place in which I would feel comfortable with playing with someone on the first meeting. In a situation like that, everyone in attendance is at least cognizant of the possibility of play, whether they choose to do so or not. Different energy as a result.

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See, I have met people before, who I met with the expressed interest that there would be play involved and that was why we were meeting. This is different.

This doesn't *feel* like some one I'm just going to let beat on me a few hours here and there...this has meat to it, but I'm afraid that biting into that meat too soon may make it loose some of it's flavor.

So I guess there needs to be a distinction here. What do you do when meeting a potential play partner, and what do you do when you meet a potential....well potential?

Funny how in a would where I wear the name with honor, I now find myself worried about looking like a slut.

the captians wench said:

See, I have met people before, who I met with the expressed interest that there would be play involved and that was why we were meeting. This is different.

This doesn't *feel* like some one I'm just going to let beat on me a few hours here and there...this has meat to it, but I'm afraid that biting into that meat too soon may make it loose some of it's flavor.

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Smart. Keep that in mind and you won't have to worry too much about the slut thing.

So I guess there needs to be a distinction here. What do you do when meeting a potential play partner, and what do you do when you meet a potential....well potential?

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Fuck if I know. The last 'potential' I met blindsided me when I wasn't looking. I'm not personally looking for any potentials right now, so I'm not in the headspace to answer those questions beyond the same sort of stuff you're already getting.

I prefer a bit of verbal dancing; conversational foreplay is very important to me. If I am not comfortable with someone, nothing is going to happen. To be frank though, I've never looked for potentials. I've met women, become friends with them, and realised that there was something more going on. The 'friend' step is an important one to me, though, as ya gotta be friends too.

My only hard and fast rule for relationship success is simple -

Find someone that accepts your faults, and then you accept theirs. Done.

It's easier said than done, but it is simple, and it works. My gal's finest feature is that she patiently accepts my rather dire faults. My challenge is to accept hers, and I've been pretty good about it. Luckily her acceptance of my faults includes tolerance for my occassional failures at accepting hers...

I recommend you never play with a person on the first date. I myself have never played with someone on the first date. Except with Mister Man, and we have been together for a couple of months now.

I don't really have anything intelligent to add, but I wanted to say that I've been watching this thread pretty intently because I have two dates next week with two different subs that I'm pretty excited about.

the captians wench said:

dove brings up another issue:

When talking safety rules, it's been mentioned here a lot, no play on the first meeting. And I'll admit, it's a rule I don't always seem to follow, but I make it clear that it is not my intention, and the possibilities are slim.

So, do you play on the first date?

Would you get into a car with some one you just had lunch with? I think that one worries me more...some how.

When do you give it up? second, third, forth meeting? or do you just go with the flow, no regrets?

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Not sure how i brought it up, but down here; "going anywhere" which i said in my last posting usually means taking a walk around town, just chatting about what W/we see happening around us.

Nowadays, the way the world is; i would never think to get into a vehicle with One i had just met a few hours earlier.

Each come to the pre set restaurant or wherever in their own vehicles, and leave the same way.

To giving it up? When you feel that the TRUST and Communication has hit the point within yourself that says, "Yes, He is for real; and you feel safe handing Him that trust.

To me, its like handing over one of my tenderly and lovingly cared for roses. If the trust is there, the rose will still be as beautiful an hour later, and if not; the rose will be on the ground crushed.

unfoundiamond said:

Everyone lies...

Its about intentions.

If you think you can read Twysts last paragraph, and classify yourself as the "truthful" one, you are full of shit...

And Yes, peoples baggage from old relationships carries on to stifel new ones...
But, come on! Don't you remember...

Everything happens for a reason...

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Agreed. That may have come out sounding far more harsh then intended. I'm not one to aim a post at anyone feeling it's better to pm them, call them, visit them and tell them things I deem important face to face, etc.

No, that last post of mine was brought about by the general population I see who come in here and use lit as a sounding board for answeras to questions they already have. Those who seek reaffirmation of a decision they had already decided upon before even logging on.

( Sorry for the confusion...... )

doveofserenity said:

Not sure how i brought it up, but down here; "going anywhere" which i said in my last posting usually means taking a walk around town, just chatting about what W/we see happening around us.

Nowadays, the way the world is; i would never think to get into a vehicle with One i had just met a few hours earlier.

Each come to the pre set restaurant or wherever in their own vehicles, and leave the same way.

To giving it up? When you feel that the TRUST and Communication has hit the point within yourself that says, "Yes, He is for real; and you feel safe handing Him that trust.

To me, its like handing over one of my tenderly and lovingly cared for roses. If the trust is there, the rose will still be as beautiful an hour later, and if not; the rose will be on the ground crushed.

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I'm sorry, I misunderstood, especially when you mentioned stoping at your car first. I just got a different mentle image, but still, a good topic to cover none the less.

My problem is I'm too trusting most of the time. I take people at face value for the most part. I think that's why I'm such a people watcher. People "tell" more than they say.

So the date is set (kind of). And the plans are made (timidly).

Now the question is....what to wear?

Normally i would get all dolled up and include my corset in the mix. But since this is probably going to be an afternoon affair, I'm not going to have any one around to tie me in. I finally make a corset for myself that is really good shit, and I can't tie it myself so I don't get to wear it often.

Now, I know that there are a few key factors here:
Where you are going
What time of day
Current weather (especially an out door date)
and most importantly maybe is feeling comfortable

If you don't feel comfortable in what you are wearing, I feel like it's a major distraction, and can also send wrong signals. You may look like you're not interested in what he's saying, when really it's just the fact that you just realized your garter belt has slipped down 4 inches making your stockings slouch and you're wondering if he's noticed.

Then there's the question: how much skin is too much on a first date?

It's no secret that I'm an exhibitionist attention whore. I am rather fond of my boobs, and take every opportunity I can to show them off. Since we are talking about hitting the zoo, weather is a key component, and means that the girls will have to stay in for the night. Still, I'm not very comfortable in casual clothes. It's either dressed to the nines for me, or not dressed at all.

So, what's your "first date wardrobe" like?

the captians wench said:

It's no secret that I'm an exhibitionist attention whore. I am rather fond of my boobs, and take every opportunity I can to show them off. Since we are talking about hitting the zoo, weather is a key component, and means that the girls will have to stay in for the night. Still, I'm not very comfortable in casual clothes. It's either dressed to the nines for me, or not dressed at all.

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Go with the best exhibitionist attention whore outfit you have for the weather. If he doesn't like it, he will get a problem with your attitude sooner or later anyway.

If you are going to the zoo keep in mind that there will be children there too...you can't exactly wear what you would wear out at night to a family place like a zoo. (or at least not what I am thinking I would wear out at night)

Another thing to keep in mind for a zoo trip is you will most likely be doing a bit of walking. Leave the 6 in heels at home. lol

The only other question is--Is there a chance he will see you with your clothes off on this first date?

Family friendly casual can be very sexy too. A jean skirt with no panties and a low cut top that just teases may work out great.

I would say if you wanted to wear a revealing shirt to wear comfortable pants. A teeny shirt and a teeny skirt crosses the line from sexy to slutty, oftentimes. If you sort of balance it out, it's not so bad. Also, if it's cool, you can also wear a jacket that you can either button up or shed, depending on how you feel about it.

the captians wench said:

Then there's the question: how much skin is too much on a first date?

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This is a really hard question to answer without knowing the guy's taste & preference.

My own personal opinion is that less is not necessarily more when it comes to the attractiveness of women's clothing. Mystery and subtlety go much farther in holding my attention that obvious and exposed.

More broadly, I would say that this question is related to the one you posed about whether or not you should play on the first date. Rightly or wrongly, many guys take clues as to what a woman wants or expects from the outfit she's wearing. Just something to keep in mind.

I also agree with Ecstaticsub's comments about families at the zoo. The kids might not even notice (and would surely get over it, even if they did), but it's possible that your date might find certain clothing odd or inappropriate in that context.

Again, this is very hard to say. All guys are different, obviously.

It's gonna be frikken cold there, right? Chest-colds are not sexy.

Homburg said:

It's gonna be frikken cold there, right? Chest-colds are not sexy.

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*giggles* actually it's unseasonably warm. going to stay between 45-60, but rainy, hence the timid part. So there's definitely going to be a jacket involved (just wish i had a cute one). And even tho he's a foot and a few inches taller than I am, sneakers, or flats are going to win over even if we decide to do something other than the zoo (it's been agreed that we'd both like to do something where there's a lot of walking involved).

I also took into consideration the cues my clothing will have on his expectations. While I'm most comfortable showing 6 inches of cleavage, I think it would send the wrong message. I also found out that he has a huge thing for pig tails (my favorite way to wear my hair) so it's been suggested to me that I wear my hair down instead.

There are things that I am comfortable wearing in a kid friendly zone that a lot of people are not. Namely my leather collar and leather cuffs. I wear outfits that allow them to be blended and passed off as fashion statements, but again the question of what cue he would get from seeing those items comes into play.

I'm leaning towards a pair of jeans (preferably my black ones), long sleeve tight black shirt with thumb holes, one of my tight tshirts with a cute saying (deciding between "bite me", "I've been naughty. so what.", "naughty is the new nice", and "the leprechauns made me do it") and then the collar that I have on in my av ( it's made out of bicycle spokes and holds together in the front with a silver lock with a rhinestone g on it). Cute, simple, but hugs the tits enough to show them off with out showing skin. And very fitting the zoo.

the captians wench said:

dove brings up another issue:

When talking safety rules, it's been mentioned here a lot, no play on the first meeting. And I'll admit, it's a rule I don't always seem to follow, but I make it clear that it is not my intention, and the possibilities are slim.

So, do you play on the first date?

Would you get into a car with some one you just had lunch with? I think that one worries me more...some how.

When do you give it up? second, third, forth meeting? or do you just go with the flow, no regrets?

Click to expand...

I will play in a club or at a play party with someone I met that night., or when I was pro I had someone else around with new clients. I don't get into enclosed spaces with new people. I will always decline "drive you home?" on the first date and I usually meet somewhere I can cab from or disappear into buildings in, rather than risk being followed.

I think it's VERY wise of you to worry more about the car ride than the OTK spanking - even if you were to go play in a hotel room with some toys, it could still be a better idea than that ride home. Physical control to move and numbers of people to hear you make a fuss are key.

I don't have a timeline for feeling safe with someone. I just do when I do.