In love with my dom

Dontsetmefree said:

Thank you all for the opinions, suggestions and advice. Seems like I've been highlighting his bad side more than his good. So let me explain why I'm having strong feelings for him to the point that I might see him as the one.

I enjoy being with him even when we are not having sex. He is a good companion, a great listener and is honest with me. When I was down, he was the one who came over and tried to cheer me up. At first, I pushed him away, because we agreed on the 'do not fall in love' part so I never really wanted to involve him with the stuff in my life. I didn't want to get in too deep with the relationship.

But the more time we spent together, the more I open up to him. We share the same interests and we both have similar dreams. I have never felt so connected to a person in my life. And before I knew it, I started developing these feelings. Whenever I try to bring this up, he sorts of sense it and tone it down by reminding me that I shouldn't get too involved with him.

Sometimes I feel that he really cares for me. But not to the point that he loves me. I really want to know if he will be sad if I take the step and walk away. But again, I'm afraid to make that move, because right now, I still don't want to lose him. Although, eventually... I would probably have to 'rip the band aid off'.

But I'm still hoping.

Silly isn't it? XD

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If your Dom said, Don't fall in love with me.. but then proceeded spending time with you that would normally be reserved for a caring type relationship, then he is saying one thing and acting another way. No wonder you are confused! His behaviour sounds out of line to me, I must say... Inconsistencies between statements and behaviours are a very difficult thing to sort through, especially when feelings are involved.

With cards on the table, though, he has stated that love is out of the question. Therefore I think he was going through the motions either out of some selfish need for self fulfillment, not thinking about how he would impact you at all, or possibly even more maliciously. As in, I will say one thing and do another and hurt this person. That could even be part of his kink, hurting you in that manner...

I don't believe I would want a person like this to love me. Those are harsh words for you, I understand, but looking at it objectively perhaps you can find someone with a little more consistency to them to entrust your heart to

He could also just be aromantic. Some people just don't function in a romantic way and feel "love" the way most others do. The guy could very well love the OP-- but love her as a friend, not as a romantic partner. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I don't see how him not wanting her to fall in love with him and then not acting like an emotionally stunted/distant jerk or psychopath makes him a liar? Romantic love ain't the end-all for some people out there.

KoPilot said:

He could also just be aromantic. Some people just don't function in a romantic way and feel "love" the way most others do. The guy could very well love the OP-- but love her as a friend, not as a romantic partner. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I don't see how him not wanting her to fall in love with him and then not acting like an emotionally stunted/distant jerk or psychopath makes him a liar? Romantic love ain't the end-all for some people out there.

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You're right All either of us can do is forward guesses based on our own experiences and hope that it somehow helps her...

Collar_N_Cuffs said:

You're right All either of us can do is forward guesses based on our own experiences and hope that it somehow helps her...

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Information overload is what we do best

KoPilot said:

He could also just be aromantic. Some people just don't function in a romantic way and feel "love" the way most others do. The guy could very well love the OP-- but love her as a friend, not as a romantic partner. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I don't see how him not wanting her to fall in love with him and then not acting like an emotionally stunted/distant jerk or psychopath makes him a liar? Romantic love ain't the end-all for some people out there.

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The bolded was what I was thinking too. It's called friends with benefits, right?
Often when we say "don't fall in love with me" I think it's meant like "don't start planning a long life, whit weddings or kids with me and don't hang up you future happiness on me".

Netzach said:

In an A or B world there's always a C.

He's not going to nurture your romantic life. It's hard to accept that, but it's easier to accept if you are taking steps to nurture your romantic life with someone else - if you can truly accept him as he is today and not as you wish he was, you can move on and start your own searching.

You could C. find someone who is OK with open relationships and isn't so into kink, and honestly doesn't care if you get those needs met elsewhere. Then your Dom is to you what you are to him. Your current Dom should be relieved that you are taking care of yourself in this way, if he's not, something's not passing the smell test of "it's purely about the D/s and I'm just not into you in that way..."

Don't assume you're that replaceable as a good submissive in your Dom's life either - he may find someone who's great in all kinds of ways...but nowhere near as good as you are at filling that role.

It's a lot to live with, and you may not have this kind of thing in you, but there are paths other than the obvious. This one is pretty rigorous, but it could be right.

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Finding a C is a great idea but from where I come from (conservative country here), it is really not easy to find someone who is okay with open relationships. People here also tend to judge d/s relationships as weird or even disgusting. So we remain closeted, and if we're lucky enough, we meet someone compatible.

I really hope I'm not that easily replaceable in my dom's life. That would really make me sad. Right now, I'll just do my best to please him, and not expect too much (in terms of feelings) from him.

subwannabe said:

Wow. It's hard to top all of the great advice already given here. I do want to point out though that in a way, you were forced to do things you really didn't want to do, even if you feel like the final decision was yours. Kind of reminds me of a girl I knew once who was abused by her boyfriend. He would beat the crap out of her for simple things like breaking a dish while doing the dishes and her thoughts on the subject were, "If I hadn't broken that dish then he wouldn't have beat me up" - kind of like she deserved it. Of course that is a major overcomparison to your case but that brings me back to my original thought - in a way you were forced to do something you really didn't want to do. It also kind of reminds me of when a man kidnaps a woman and after a while she learns to accept that this is her new life and adjusts to it. O.K. another overcomparison. For your own piece of mind you will eventually have to woman up and tell him that it is either all or nothing and stick to your decision.

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Yes, your examples are indeed major overcomparisons. All he did was merely suggest that he would love to see me having sex with someone else. There were no blackmails nor force. When I said I wasn't comfortable with it, he tried to coax me by telling me how happy it would make him. If I had stood firmly and said no, I'm sure he would just get over it. But the mind of the submissive really wants to please, so I did what I did. I felt kind of disgusted afterwards maybe because I was no longer used to having another man touching me besides my dom. However, I was really happy cause I made my dom happy.

Collar_N_Cuffs said:

If your Dom said, Don't fall in love with me.. but then proceeded spending time with you that would normally be reserved for a caring type relationship, then he is saying one thing and acting another way. No wonder you are confused! His behaviour sounds out of line to me, I must say... Inconsistencies between statements and behaviours are a very difficult thing to sort through, especially when feelings are involved.

With cards on the table, though, he has stated that love is out of the question. Therefore I think he was going through the motions either out of some selfish need for self fulfillment, not thinking about how he would impact you at all, or possibly even more maliciously. As in, I will say one thing and do another and hurt this person. That could even be part of his kink, hurting you in that manner...

I don't believe I would want a person like this to love me. Those are harsh words for you, I understand, but looking at it objectively perhaps you can find someone with a little more consistency to them to entrust your heart to

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Yes, this is exactly why I'm confused. He cares and he is someone that I know I can rely on. He is appreciative and always thankful and openly tells me how lucky he is to have me. But when I subtly suggest something more, he backs away into his corner and goes all defensive, saying hurtful things like 'it's just for the fun remember?', 'don't be too attached to me', 'one day all this could end'. And I really don't want this to end yet, at least not now, and so I shut up and smile. I thank him like a good lil sub and tell myself it's okay because we did have an agreement that it was all for the fun before we started this.

Sometimes, I wished that he wouldn't be so nice to me. Then maybe I wouldn't feel like this at all. I'm slowly detaching myself from him and not taking things too seriously. We'll see how it goes.

KoPilot said:

He could also just be aromantic. Some people just don't function in a romantic way and feel "love" the way most others do. The guy could very well love the OP-- but love her as a friend, not as a romantic partner. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I don't see how him not wanting her to fall in love with him and then not acting like an emotionally stunted/distant jerk or psychopath makes him a liar? Romantic love ain't the end-all for some people out there.

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IrisAlthea said:

The bolded was what I was thinking too. It's called friends with benefits, right?
Often when we say "don't fall in love with me" I think it's meant like "don't start planning a long life, whit weddings or kids with me and don't hang up you future happiness on me".

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Both of you are right. I guess he does care for me as a friend. He just does not want a long term commitment with me or have an exclusive relationship with me as he did stated clearly before we started. And I agreed to it because I didn't expect myself to actually want more.

My best ever lover, we will call him Mike, was sort of like this. We were "friends with benifits" he cared about me as a friend. We both enjoyed the sex. He always told me it wasn't going anywhere more. It was temporary. He never lied to me.

I fell HARD for him. Eventually he was done with me. He dated a lovely woman who did capture his heart and they are married with dogs and kids and she's freaking awesome.

For me I pined for years. Even years into my marriage I pined for Mike.

And eventually it got better.

And here is the thing. I don't regret the year I spent with Mike at all. AT ALL. I learned a ton about myself, I had support and friendship while doing it. I did suffer great heartbreak but it was worth it.

Now I'm married and happy with three kids and cats and a fish and my husband tries to satisfy my kinks and I work to satisfy his. And it's beautiful.

No advice here, just... you can love him and he leave you, and it hurt like hell.. and it still be worth it. ((hugs))

AikoCrane said:

My best ever lover, we will call him Mike, was sort of like this. We were "friends with benifits" he cared about me as a friend. We both enjoyed the sex. He always told me it wasn't going anywhere more. It was temporary. He never lied to me.

I fell HARD for him. Eventually he was done with me. He dated a lovely woman who did capture his heart and they are married with dogs and kids and she's freaking awesome.

For me I pined for years. Even years into my marriage I pined for Mike.

And eventually it got better.

And here is the thing. I don't regret the year I spent with Mike at all. AT ALL. I learned a ton about myself, I had support and friendship while doing it. I did suffer great heartbreak but it was worth it.

Now I'm married and happy with three kids and cats and a fish and my husband tries to satisfy my kinks and I work to satisfy his. And it's beautiful.

No advice here, just... you can love him and he leave you, and it hurt like hell.. and it still be worth it. ((hugs))

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Thank you for sharing this! Right now, I know a heartbreak will happen eventually but not so soon. And yes I'm still willing to risk my feelings rather than just end things now. I know it will hurt like hell in the future.

Yes I'll be sad when it's over but definitely not to the 'I'm so depressed I'm gonna kill myself' kind of sad. I understand by sticking with him, I will be hurt. So again, it's my choice for prolonging this. But I know that when that day comes, I will definitely pick myself up and move on. And I truly hope that like you, I would find it to be a worthy experience that I won't regret even though it will be painful.

AikoCrane said:

My best ever lover, we will call him Mike, was sort of like this. We were "friends with benifits" he cared about me as a friend. We both enjoyed the sex. He always told me it wasn't going anywhere more. It was temporary. He never lied to me.

I fell HARD for him. Eventually he was done with me. He dated a lovely woman who did capture his heart and they are married with dogs and kids and she's freaking awesome.

For me I pined for years. Even years into my marriage I pined for Mike.

And eventually it got better.

And here is the thing. I don't regret the year I spent with Mike at all. AT ALL. I learned a ton about myself, I had support and friendship while doing it. I did suffer great heartbreak but it was worth it.

Now I'm married and happy with three kids and cats and a fish and my husband tries to satisfy my kinks and I work to satisfy his. And it's beautiful.

No advice here, just... you can love him and he leave you, and it hurt like hell.. and it still be worth it. ((hugs))

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Very nice post, and a great reminder that all worthwhile relationships aren't necessarily permanent.

* * *

Good luck, OP.

AikoCrane said:

My best ever lover, we will call him Mike, was sort of like this. We were "friends with benifits" he cared about me as a friend. We both enjoyed the sex. He always told me it wasn't going anywhere more. It was temporary. He never lied to me.

I fell HARD for him. Eventually he was done with me. He dated a lovely woman who did capture his heart and they are married with dogs and kids and she's freaking awesome.

For me I pined for years. Even years into my marriage I pined for Mike.

And eventually it got better.

And here is the thing. I don't regret the year I spent with Mike at all. AT ALL. I learned a ton about myself, I had support and friendship while doing it. I did suffer great heartbreak but it was worth it.

Now I'm married and happy with three kids and cats and a fish and my husband tries to satisfy my kinks and I work to satisfy his. And it's beautiful.

No advice here, just... you can love him and he leave you, and it hurt like hell.. and it still be worth it. ((hugs))

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This is such a wonderful story with a beautiful message delivered within.

Thank you for sharing. It brightened my day, as I am going through a significant relationship loss in my life right now, as well.

*hugs*, love, and support for the brokenhearted.

This, too, shall pass. And we will learn and grow from our painful experiences. The future is uncertain and yet it holds so much promise.

So essentially you've fallen in love with your FWB. This scenario rarely ends in a happily ever after. I'm sorry. For me, I can't imagine submitting to anyone whom I don't love. That's a tricky situation now that you're so vulnerable to your dom in so many ways, he now has an identity to you outside of the bedroom. Be very careful of how far you will go out of your way to hurt yourself for a man who doesn't know you love him and doesn't love you in return.