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PaxNurgle

Literotica Guru
Joined
Apr 28, 2016
Posts
4,902
So, here is where I am at, and I guess I am asking for advice at this point.

I have sensed that there is not a lot of respect for submissive kinky males on here, so I really hope people do not judge me harshly. I am not in any long term romantic/kinky relationship (though I am open to being in one, with the right person) but I have been seeing a paid, professional domme for the past six months.

At first, it was awesome. She was good at what she did, well trained, and it was exhilarating and fun to have some of my darker fantasies satisfied. (and no, I wont go into too much detail about what took place in private- sorry but its kind of personal.) She was beautiful, really she is the whole package. I also felt like I learned a lot, too, from her as a sub.

But her sessions weren't cheap- four hundred per hour, only she would usually set the duration (so it would be up to eight hundred per session) and she would insist on it being regular, instead of a one time thing. Fair enough- I understand her wanting to be with regulars she can trust. So after about a month I would usually be out around one or two grand. That is a lot for someone who, lets just say, isnt exactly Bill Gates. You play- you pay- again I understand that. But then, after about a month, she started insisting on expensive gifts in addition to the session tributes. Regular $4-500 dollar splurges at the cosmetics shop. $400 purses. $350 boots, $300 designer sunglasses, a $400 dress, and I can't even recall what else- that is not a complete list. The last straw for me was spending nearly two grand on an Ipad she insisted that I buy for her. And when we were together, it also seems like she watches the clock and sometimes cuts the session short. (yesterday's two hour session was only about an hour and a half.) So, long story short, there were some months I would spend more than my entire monthly paycheck on her and yet still not feel fulfilled at all- only $2500 poorer.

It seems obvious she is taking advantage of me financially. I understand that being with a pro instead of a partner means that "you play, you pay," but it is more than I bargained for. I didn't intend for it to be like this. So I have found that honestly, the last few times I really have not been enjoying the sessions with her at all. I don't feel there is really any connection other than a financial one. I no longer feel the rush of arousal at doing kinky things with her that once would have really turned me on. I don't feel special, only like I'm just another client with deep pockets to her. So long story short, I want out.

But I don't really know how to end it; here is where I need advice. I have hinted strongly that I no longer want to see her anymore, and have tried telling her that my and my "Vanilla" partner are getting really close and that I would rather spend my time (and money) on her. And I've mentioned that I am saving money for things I need- cars to fix, home repairs, and so on. But she doesn't buy any of my excuses, and insists on texting me and wanting me to come see her, on top of occasionally ordering me to buy more expensive things for her. She says things like "We can do every other week instead of every week; you should just leave your S.O. if she doesn't want you seeing a pro domme, I see married men after all," etc- these are some of her excuses. I really want to break it off because to be honest, I feel like I have totally lost my kink drive after stressing about money. And stressing about wanting to break it off but yet I never can seem to be able to.

Sorry about the long post- I know there are not a lot of sub men (or sympathisers for such) on here but if you were in my shoes, or the situation was reversed and I was a female with a male pro domme, how would you go about ending the relationship? I still want to do it politely and honorably, like a true gentleman, the way a submissive would, not rudely or coldly. I just want advice.
 
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What you have is essentially a business relationship, albeit a personal one (and most things involving our sex lives often are!) However, it sounds like this domme is abusing your willingness to submit to her and emotionally manipulating you into things you no longer enjoy and can’t afford.

At the end of your post you’ve mentioned that you would like to end your relationship politely and honourably. Since you’ve tried excuses she isn’t accepting those have you considered simply being honest with her? There is no honour in treading gently with someone that is hurting you and isn’t listening when you tell them so. Telling her would also being giving her valuable insight into how her customers might perceive her, which if she takes predomming seriously she should appreciate the value of.

And lastly, if you want to end this relationship stand firm on your wishes. If she is unable to leave you alone after firmly but kindly being told no more then you need to start running, as then she clearly cares nothing for you other than what she could take from you. Protect yourself if need be. Good luck!
 
I guess I wonder why you think you can't break it off? You say you want to but can't seem to. Why is that?

Also - bummer that your perception is sub men aren't welcome here. True, there aren't a lot who speak up in the threads, but I've always seen positive interactions in the cafe. There are a couple of fun picture threads devoted to it. Honey's started a thread or two about male submission. Am sorry to hear your experience hasn't been welcoming.

Back to your domme situation, I think only you can figure out why you can't leave her. You listed a bunch of really excellent reasons why you should. Sounds like you're ready to. What's really keeping you from just not replying to texts, just not getting in your car to see her??
 
That’s not D/s it’s abuse. And it’s not consensual.

You have the power, you just need to find the strength to walk away. I hope writing it down has helped you process what you already know. Another way to find clarity is to remove yourself from the story. Imagine a female friend talking to you about their partner, saying their partner has removed access to their bank accounts and she can only get money when she requests it from the partner. She explains she never consented to this and she is sad she can’t afford to visit her parents but she is frightened of upsetting her partner incase they totally cut off the money they do give her.

How would you react? What would you say to her? How would you support her to get away from the abuse?

Then apply it to yourself, support yourself, talk it through with yourself.

Good luck
 
Thank you all, for your kind words and advice.

I'm thinking of a good "Exit Strategy" as we speak, because yeah, it is obvious to everyone that the dynamic has evolved into something I no longer want, or even find fulfilling. (I admit some guys are into financial domination and being the sugar daddy kind of thing, but that is not me.) Its not as easy as I thought it would be. I want to compose some kind of honest but succinct final "Breakup" letter and mail or send it to her, rather than just ghost her completely, but then again- it isn't like she was ever a real romantic partner or girlfriend. (Oddly, she actually used the "yeah but, I'll be your girlfriend" tactic to get me to buy the $2000 I-pad. But of course, after I fell for that, she still charged me the full price for the next couple sessions. Makes me feel even more like a chump to admit this...) I kind of kept feeling compelled to see her and respond to her because, I guess, I feel it would somehow compromise my reputation (both as a person AND as a submissive) if I just coldly dumped her and/or ghosted her. I've been ready and wanting to dump her for a couple months though.

I once visited a domme in another city five hours away who was awesome, and I really wish she lived closer. I was less experienced then, but I felt like we had more of a personal connection and she was just more compassionate and, well, it was just a better experience. If only she was closer...

As far as sub men not being welcome on this forum, in the past there were a few regular posters on here- I wont mention any names, who came across as really negative and snarky with comments toward male subs. I had a couple bad experiences with them when I was new to the forum, and that's why I was almost afraid to open up here. These guys made me feel like there was really something wrong with me wanting to be dominated by a woman. One of them I haven't seen on here for a quite a while, thankfully- and its nice to know there are great people on here as well as a couple trolls (Sadly it seems every forum has at least one or two.)

You guys, however, are awesome, and thank you for being helpful and compassionate.
 
I'm glad that you were willing to share your experience and reach out for advice. It's very honorable of you to not want to ghost her. Good luck writing your final letter to her. I hope she will accept that while you are grateful for the experience and what you learned, it has evolved into something that isn't mutually beneficial and that it is over. Good luck.
 
Pax -

You don't need an exit strategy. Just email her a one line letter saying it's over. Block her number/emails. And, don't set up anymore sessions. Let her know if she reaches out again, you'll reach out to the authorities. She doesn't care about you. She isn't respecting D/s boundaries. You don't owe her anything. It was a business transaction. Just ghost her and go.
 
Ginlover said:
That’s not D/s it’s abuse. And it’s not consensual.

You have the power, you just need to find the strength to walk away. I hope writing it down has helped you process what you already know. Another way to find clarity is to remove yourself from the story. Imagine a female friend talking to you about their partner, saying their partner has removed access to their bank accounts and she can only get money when she requests it from the partner. She explains she never consented to this and she is sad she can’t afford to visit her parents but she is frightened of upsetting her partner incase they totally cut off the money they do give her.

How would you react? What would you say to her? How would you support her to get away from the abuse?

Then apply it to yourself, support yourself, talk it through with yourself.

Good luck
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^^ THIS ^^

My only thoughts when finishing Pax's story are these:

This isn't a D/s relationship, it's a succubus gold digger who is using a specific skill set and 'rules' to manipulate and control you, thereby getting control of your spending, and eventually, if you stay with her, she will take control of your money.

One of two things will happen if you stay:
1. She will take control of your finances and force you to change your life to live like a pauper while she collects the rest of your income as her own paycheck.
2. She will take control of your finances and drain every last cent from you so fast that you won't even be able to comprehend what just happened and how you became homeless.

Sorry if I seem bitter, I've had my run-ins with these types of women, and got fooled once, never again.
 
htester said:
Pax -

You don't need an exit strategy. Just email her a one line letter saying it's over. Block her number/emails. And, don't set up anymore sessions. Let her know if she reaches out again, you'll reach out to the authorities. She doesn't care about you. She isn't respecting D/s boundaries. You don't owe her anything. It was a business transaction. Just ghost her and go.
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Or better yet, tell her you went gambling and lost everything. You will never hear from her again! :D
 
htester said:
Pax -

You don't need an exit strategy. Just email her a one line letter saying it's over. Block her number/emails. And, don't set up anymore sessions. Let her know if she reaches out again, you'll reach out to the authorities. She doesn't care about you. She isn't respecting D/s boundaries. You don't owe her anything. It was a business transaction. Just ghost her and go.
Click to expand...

I have to agree with this, a zillion percent.

I wouldn't even send her anything. The letter is more for you than for her. She doesn't care.

Ghosting her, blocking her, ending it without ceremony makes you a smart guy - not a "bad" submissive. Clearly you have a kind heart. She took advantage of that. Don't let her take one more ounce of your energy or time or $$$.

Block her.
 
Thank you. I am pretty much all about blocking her at this point. To be honest I have all but lost my interest in D/s and female domination because of my experience with her. It has almost made me very...I wont say "bitter" but rather, disillusioned about the whole idea of female domination, especially with pro dommes. As I said, I really haven't been enjoying the last few sessions at all, knowing that it just meant another big chunck of lost income. My first experience with a pro domme was with a different woman and it was much more positive. And I wish I could have continued seeing her (distance was too much a factor.) But the whole thing is, at this point- I'm not getting any younger and I would honestly rather settle for something less superficial and more mutually loving with potential for long term. Even if it means settling for a "Vanilla" partner. I have just lost my appetite for kink, I guess.
 
You know, kink desires sort of ebb and flow. This is not the same situation but I've been out of the D/s loop for a few years. The underlying need is there - I think my submission is part of me and not just a fun thing in the bedroom. But for reasons beyond my control, I lost the energy to want to submit. Or even just be bottomed for the fun of it.

I'm getting that back. I hope you do too. I hate to think one person or one incident ruins any chance of fun and connection.

I have dominant women friends who have a tough time finding honest submissive men. Meeting people is a chore sometimes, right?? I mean, you do this online dance, you finally decide to meet for coffee or whatever and then what? When you pay for that service, it's pretty much a sure thing.

Anyways. My point is, once you get your mojo back, if your personal life allows for it, start up a profile on fet life, join a few groups, have a few conversations, see if you connect that way? It's worth a shot.

Good luck.
 
PaxNurgle said:
So, here is where I am at, and I guess I am asking for advice at this point.

I have sensed that there is not a lot of respect for submissive kinky males on here, so I really hope people do not judge me harshly. I am not in any long term romantic/kinky relationship (though I am open to being in one, with the right person) but I have been seeing a paid, professional domme for the past six months.

At first, it was awesome. She was good at what she did, well trained, and it was exhilarating and fun to have some of my darker fantasies satisfied. (and no, I wont go into too much detail about what took place in private- sorry but its kind of personal.) She was beautiful, really she is the whole package. I also felt like I learned a lot, too, from her as a sub.

But her sessions weren't cheap- four hundred per hour, only she would usually set the duration (so it would be up to eight hundred per session) and she would insist on it being regular, instead of a one time thing. Fair enough- I understand her wanting to be with regulars she can trust. So after about a month I would usually be out around one or two grand. That is a lot for someone who, lets just say, isnt exactly Bill Gates. You play- you pay- again I understand that. But then, after about a month, she started insisting on expensive gifts in addition to the session tributes. Regular $4-500 dollar splurges at the cosmetics shop. $400 purses. $350 boots, $300 designer sunglasses, a $400 dress, and I can't even recall what else- that is not a complete list. The last straw for me was spending nearly two grand on an Ipad she insisted that I buy for her. And when we were together, it also seems like she watches the clock and sometimes cuts the session short. (yesterday's two hour session was only about an hour and a half.) So, long story short, there were some months I would spend more than my entire monthly paycheck on her and yet still not feel fulfilled at all- only $2500 poorer.

It seems obvious she is taking advantage of me financially. I understand that being with a pro instead of a partner means that "you play, you pay," but it is more than I bargained for. I didn't intend for it to be like this. So I have found that honestly, the last few times I really have not been enjoying the sessions with her at all. I don't feel there is really any connection other than a financial one. I no longer feel the rush of arousal at doing kinky things with her that once would have really turned me on. I don't feel special, only like I'm just another client with deep pockets to her. So long story short, I want out.

But I don't really know how to end it; here is where I need advice. I have hinted strongly that I no longer want to see her anymore, and have tried telling her that my and my "Vanilla" partner are getting really close and that I would rather spend my time (and money) on her. And I've mentioned that I am saving money for things I need- cars to fix, home repairs, and so on. But she doesn't buy any of my excuses, and insists on texting me and wanting me to come see her, on top of occasionally ordering me to buy more expensive things for her. She says things like "We can do every other week instead of every week; you should just leave your S.O. if she doesn't want you seeing a pro domme, I see married men after all," etc- these are some of her excuses. I really want to break it off because to be honest, I feel like I have totally lost my kink drive after stressing about money. And stressing about wanting to break it off but yet I never can seem to be able to.

Sorry about the long post- I know there are not a lot of sub men (or sympathisers for such) on here but if you were in my shoes, or the situation was reversed and I was a female with a male pro domme, how would you go about ending the relationship? I still want to do it politely and honorably, like a true gentleman, the way a submissive would, not rudely or coldly. I just want advice.
Click to expand...

OK, I read your post and some of the replies. I understand this type of domme as many submissive men seem to like this kind of treatment. i've been on dating sites where women will explain in very plain English that they are rewards dommes or tribute doms...just in it for the money. They are financial doms, findoms for short.

Unless you desire such a domme and are financially independent, you need to get out of this relationship. And I don't know what the problem is. Did she tell you ahead of time that she was going to demand that you buy her these expensive items? It seems to me that your initial contact was just for the sessions and you even noticed how she made a one hour session into a two hour session, for no other reason except she got more money.

You noticed that and that didn't bring up a red flag? First, her prices seem kind of high, but I don't know where you are, so maybe they aren't. I'd think $200 per hour is more reasonable, but it's all a negociation thing and if you accepted her prices, the deal was done.

Now, back to the items she's having you buy for her. How does she justify these purchases? Is she going to be your girlfriend, if you buy these things for her? If that's what she says, she's lying. Of course, I think you know that now. But, in her defense, she might be associated with men who desire such treatment and only doing what she thinks you want. But again, if you didn't talk about this in the beginning, that's wrong on her part. In any business negotiations, everything is out in the open. If not, there is a reason why it isn't and it's usually not to your benefit.

So, does she have a contract with you? Does she have pictures of you that you don't want shown? Does she have your credit card number? What is the reason why you don't want to just stop seeing her? Whatever the reason, I'm sure you can't afford to let this go on any longer. And of course, if she has the upper hand, she's not going to let it go until she has more of your money, if possible.

Just like the old days when cell phone plans were via contract and early breaking of a contract would cost you $200, in addition to what else they thought was theirs. This was legal, because you signed a contract. Please tell me you didn't sign a contract with this woman.

If she has your credit card number, it's now time to cancel that card...NOW! Do it way before you try to drop her, because she's going to buy something big with your card, before you can get it canceled, if you wait too long. It doesn't seem like she's new to this. You are.

So, if she has nothing on you that she can use against you, just tell her it's over. Be plain with her. Tell her you had no idea she was going to demand you buy these things for her. Or just tell her you haven't been satisfied with her. That will get her were it hurts. LOL.

She's pretty, and she knows it. Again, she might assume you were looking for a findom all along, and your naive ways are not her fault. But, you have quickly learned what she's all about and so you are no longer naive, are you.

Find you a munch group somewhere and get to know the members. There will be legitimate dommes in that group. Some will also maybe want a partner and you could end up finding a partner who satisfies your desires and you hers. That would be a lot cheaper than what you're paying now.

Oh, don't bring up the fact that you are paying for a domme to any future dommes, until you know what they are planning. If you give out too much info, they will see how naive you were and maybe try the same thing. Even if it doesn't last, you could end up a few thousand poorer because of it.

I don't know where you are, but munch groups are world wide. Just Google BDSM munch groups in "...." and insert your state or country, county, etc. inbetween the quotes.

Or, try here.
http://findamunch.com/
 
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I understand that emotionally we are not exactly the same, but I have to ask: why not just cut her out of your life? Send her e-mail or text, saying "we are done, thank you for the good times, please, do not contact me ever again."

Assuming you where careful with your information, after that I would close that e-mail account, throw away the phone number she was using and cut all and any means of communications. If it was your main phone number...well, having to switch to a new one will be the hardest part, but
it is not the end of the world eather. You can do it!

Just realize where your weakness is and work with, don't ignore it. You are not strong enough to end it as long as she has ways to contact you. She knows it perfectly well. So? You can't change WHO you are, but you can and should change WHERE you are. Make yourself absolutely unreachable to this woman, just dissapear.

It will be hard at first, because she was doing it for the money, but you... you did get emotionally involved. But it will get easier with time. Just make it an absolutely clean break - no last times, no "i have to tell he in person". You are NOT her lover, all that break-up etiquette does not apply.

Good luck!
 
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PaxNurgle said:
So, here is where I am at, and I guess I am asking for advice at this point.

I have sensed that there is not a lot of respect for submissive kinky males on here, so I really hope people do not judge me harshly. [snip]

Sorry about the long post- I know there are not a lot of sub men (or sympathisers for such) on here but if you were in my shoes, or the situation was reversed and I was a female with a male pro domme, how would you go about ending the relationship? I still want to do it politely and honorably, like a true gentleman, the way a submissive would, not rudely or coldly. I just want advice.
Click to expand...

Hey Pax ~
I am so sorry this woman has taken such advantage of you. I note that in this thread you got a LOT of good advice that was carefully given and not one word (to my eye) that denigrates you or sub men in general.

I just want to echo what cookie said. I hope after these interactions, you feel a bit more welcome here. There is room for all of us and obviously kindness and respect helps this place be better no matter where you are on the spectrum.

cb
 
I have had a lot of good advice and you guys have all been wonderful- thank you all.

The bad experiences here were a couple years ago but I'm not going to dwell on it now or name names- that was a long time ago anyway. You guys have been wonderful and helpful. Right now I am being harder on myself (for getting myself into this mess) than any of you have been on me.

For the near time, I do plan on focusing more on actually writing- I have a story that's been sitting in unfinished limbo for quite a while that I want to get back to and finish hopefully soon.
 
DVS said:
OK, I read your post and some of the replies. I understand this type of domme as many submissive men seem to like this kind of treatment. i've been on dating sites where women will explain in very plain English that they are rewards dommes or tribute doms...just in it for the money. They are financial doms, findoms for short.

Unless you desire such a domme and are financially independent, you need to get out of this relationship. And I don't know what the problem is. Did she tell you ahead of time that she was going to demand that you buy her these expensive items? It seems to me that your initial contact was just for the sessions and you even noticed how she made a one hour session into a two hour session, for no other reason except she got more money.

You noticed that and that didn't bring up a red flag? First, her prices seem kind of high, but I don't know where you are, so maybe they aren't. I'd think $200 per hour is more reasonable, but it's all a negociation thing and if you accepted her prices, the deal was done.

Now, back to the items she's having you buy for her. How does she justify these purchases? Is she going to be your girlfriend, if you buy these things for her? If that's what she says, she's lying. Of course, I think you know that now. But, in her defense, she might be associated with men who desire such treatment and only doing what she thinks you want. But again, if you didn't talk about this in the beginning, that's wrong on her part. In any business negotiations, everything is out in the open. If not, there is a reason why it isn't and it's usually not to your benefit.

So, does she have a contract with you? Does she have pictures of you that you don't want shown? Does she have your credit card number? What is the reason why you don't want to just stop seeing her? Whatever the reason, I'm sure you can't afford to let this go on any longer. And of course, if she has the upper hand, she's not going to let it go until she has more of your money, if possible.

Just like the old days when cell phone plans were via contract and early breaking of a contract would cost you $200, in addition to what else they thought was theirs. This was legal, because you signed a contract. Please tell me you didn't sign a contract with this woman.

If she has your credit card number, it's now time to cancel that card...NOW! Do it way before you try to drop her, because she's going to buy something big with your card, before you can get it canceled, if you wait too long. It doesn't seem like she's new to this. You are.

So, if she has nothing on you that she can use against you, just tell her it's over. Be plain with her. Tell her you had no idea she was going to demand you buy these things for her. Or just tell her you haven't been satisfied with her. That will get her were it hurts. LOL.

She's pretty, and she knows it. Again, she might assume you were looking for a findom all along, and your naive ways are not her fault. But, you have quickly learned what she's all about and so you are no longer naive, are you.

Find you a munch group somewhere and get to know the members. There will be legitimate dommes in that group. Some will also maybe want a partner and you could end up finding a partner who satisfies your desires and you hers. That would be a lot cheaper than what you're paying now.

Oh, don't bring up the fact that you are paying for a domme to any future dommes, until you know what they are planning. If you give out too much info, they will see how naive you were and maybe try the same thing. Even if it doesn't last, you could end up a few thousand poorer because of it.

I don't know where you are, but munch groups are world wide. Just Google BDSM munch groups in "...." and insert your state or country, county, etc. inbetween the quotes.

Or, try here.
http://findamunch.com/
Click to expand...

I was not aware when I started seeing her that she was a financial domme. I would have never gotten involved with her to begin with otherwise. When we did an initial meet and greet to talk about our mutual desires, it never came up- I just talked about some of the kink activities I was into and it seemed like we had some mutual interests there. She never mentioned that she would have me buy her stuff, and at first, possibly because I was so inexperienced with "the scene", I thought that 1) this was normally expected from pro femdoms and 2) if I went along with it once- her very first request was to fill a $400 shopping list at Sephora- it would carry special favor with her (not the case obviously.) You are right; she might assume that most men who see her want to be taken advantage of like this. Luckily I never at any time signed a contract, or gave her any credit cards or anything like that. Nor does she have anything she can blackmail me with.

The whole issue with me is having difficulty ignoring her texts and e-mails and feeling like if I upset her, (though I am beyond caring at this point honestly) it would reflect badly on me as a person and compromise who I am- plus affect my reputation as a gentleman. Though again, at this point I am more about finding a way to tell her "it's over" than to keep replying to her texts. She only has my cell phone number, not my main land line.

There isn't really much of a pro domme scene here where I live- in fact, not much of a BDSM scene, per se, at all. She is literally the only pro domme in my area. (it's a town of about a quarter million people, maybe a half million if you include the greater metro area with a 30 mile radius.) There was one other one who moved to Italy a while back, and another pro who I engaged with earlier who I really liked- but she lives five hours away. So I suspect that may be why she feels she can operate the way she does and charge what she does- no local competition.

I am going to break it off with her permanently though- absolutely.
 
PaxNurgle said:
I was not aware when I started seeing her that she was a financial domme. I would have never gotten involved with her to begin with otherwise. When we did an initial meet and greet to talk about our mutual desires, it never came up- I just talked about some of the kink activities I was into and it seemed like we had some mutual interests there. She never mentioned that she would have me buy her stuff, and at first, possibly because I was so inexperienced with "the scene", I thought that 1) this was normally expected from pro femdoms and 2) if I went along with it once- her very first request was to fill a $400 shopping list at Sephora- it would carry special favor with her (not the case obviously.) You are right; she might assume that most men who see her want to be taken advantage of like this. Luckily I never at any time signed a contract, or gave her any credit cards or anything like that. Nor does she have anything she can blackmail me with.

The whole issue with me is having difficulty ignoring her texts and e-mails and feeling like if I upset her, (though I am beyond caring at this point honestly) it would reflect badly on me as a person and compromise who I am- plus affect my reputation as a gentleman. Though again, at this point I am more about finding a way to tell her "it's over" than to keep replying to her texts. She only has my cell phone number, not my main land line.

There isn't really much of a pro domme scene here where I live- in fact, not much of a BDSM scene, per se, at all. She is literally the only pro domme in my area. (it's a town of about a quarter million people, maybe a half million if you include the greater metro area with a 30 mile radius.) There was one other one who moved to Italy a while back, and another pro who I engaged with earlier who I really liked- but she lives five hours away. So I suspect that may be why she feels she can operate the way she does and charge what she does- no local competition.

I am going to break it off with her permanently though- absolutely.
Click to expand...

You were smart (or she wasn't savvy as she could have been) to not give her anything that could keep you at her mercy. The more callus of these women do this, and it's sometimes unclear if the men do this willingly, to further serve them, because that's their ultimate desire. Some wealthy and solitude men can end up providing a very nice living for some findommes.

And I wouldn't feel so bad about this encounter. Our sexual desires are usually very strong and even the best common sense can be quite weak, when our deepest urges are being pleasured. I would think this could be the basis of a book...something like, "She Was the Best of Times and the Worst of Times". Well, that one might have already been used. :eek:

If you are looking just for pro dommes, you might be correct in thinking they aren't that many in your area. But, you might be surprised at the number of dominant women willing to meet you, just for mutual fun. I'd at least look into the munch scene in your area. It's all free and you might find a new group of friends.

Everybody looks the same on the outside. It's our minds that are kinky. You'll meet in a restaurant or another public place and get to know people in the vanilla sense, and they will get to know you. Once the first meetings are out of the way, you might be surprised how welcome you would be. I know groups I've been associated with were mostly dominant men and submissive women. You could be quite popular to some of the sexually starved dominant women. These groups are very private and all should respect your privacy. No real names would be used, so like here, you'd be known as who ever you want.

You could also join Fetlife, but it might not be accepting new members right now. It's a huge web site and I'm sure there are members in your area. Groups in your area would also probably have pages on Fetlife and you could view profiles of members before even going to a munch.

If Fetlife is allowing new membership, it would be a wealth of information for you to check out. Just watch out for those women who are looking to accept you as someone they "own" with contracts and such. None of these people are legitimate, but they are always out there. This is one reason why groups exist...as an alternative to finding out for yourself, the hard way.
Good luck in your search, how ever you proceed.
 
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Well, you guys have all been helpful, and so I finally went through with the final break-up plan. Sometimes it really does help to talk about it, and I think it helped boost my resolve in this case. So again, thank you all.

Earlier this evening I composed a hand-written farewell letter to her and put it in the mail, and I have also blocked her texts- basically I just made a clean break. She doesn't have my address or my land line number, only my mobile number, and that is now blocked.

The letter was as much for me to feel better about it as it was to her- I suspect she will be more mad about the loss of revenue stream than about the fact that I won't be spending time with her anymore. But at least this way, I can tell myself that I did things honorably. I am a little disappointed in myself right now because to an outsider, it seems it shouldn't have been this hard to just walk away from something that was obviously blatantly negative. But either way I can (and have) moved on.
 
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Well done.
And don’t kick yourself, every day people remain embroiled in a toxic relationship for a wide range of reasons and excuses they make to themselves. You found the strength to walk away, and most importantly you did it in a way that remains true to yourself.
 
The only thing I'd add to all the excellent things that have already been said is ... at the moment, this probably seems like a horrible mess, but time truly does heal all wounds. (OK, maybe not all of them entirely, but most of them mostly.) In a while - a few months, a year at most - you'll look back on this with a wry smile and be glad it didn't work out worse.

I think you'll find your kink mojo again too ... as Cookie said, things throw us at various times, and sometimes we just don't have the energy. And that's OK. As much as the rush of being embroiled in something in the 'now' is awesome, taking some time to reflect on things, and think through what one really wants is also great. Lit is a lovely place for that ... I don't know who is denigrating the sub guys, but I've never seen that happen myself, and I would certainly call out anyone who does (probably fairly 'vigorously').
:heart:
 
PaxNurgle said:
I was not aware when I started seeing her that she was a financial domme. I would have never gotten involved with her to begin with otherwise. When we did an initial meet and greet to talk about our mutual desires, it never came up- I just talked about some of the kink activities I was into and it seemed like we had some mutual interests there. She never mentioned that she would have me buy her stuff, and at first, possibly because I was so inexperienced with "the scene", I thought that 1) this was normally expected from pro femdoms and 2) if I went along with it once- her very first request was to fill a $400 shopping list at Sephora- it would carry special favor with her (not the case obviously.) You are right; she might assume that most men who see her want to be taken advantage of like this. Luckily I never at any time signed a contract, or gave her any credit cards or anything like that. Nor does she have anything she can blackmail me with.

The whole issue with me is having difficulty ignoring her texts and e-mails and feeling like if I upset her, (though I am beyond caring at this point honestly) it would reflect badly on me as a person and compromise who I am- plus affect my reputation as a gentleman. Though again, at this point I am more about finding a way to tell her "it's over" than to keep replying to her texts. She only has my cell phone number, not my main land line.

<snip>

I am going to break it off with her permanently though- absolutely.
Click to expand...

I bolded the statement that stands out for me. I know this feeling well. I have never dealt with a professional before, but I have been in an unhealthy relationship with a D-type where it felt like I couldn’t get away because I was afraid to seem like anything but a good little girl. I knew I shouldn’t see them, so I kept making up excuses not to. I would use any reason available (and even made up fake things when others fell through). I felt like I couldn’t truly get away from them and couldn’t cut ties for some reason, so I just kept making excuses... until finally I told someone about it; that I had this problem and I had no idea what to do about it (although I knew I needed to just break it off with them, I couldn’t bring myself to do it alone). The person I told was a friend who is also a D-type so recognized the problem and . I couldn’t heed my own advice until it was coming from him. He told me I could send one more message to them and say something like “please don’t contact me again” and then once I sent it, I needed to immediately put a block on them. He also didn’t allow me to say no to him about doing it... so I did. I sent the message, I put the block on them and I haven’t looked back.

You are not alone. You are strong. You can stick to this. You have done the right thing. Sent the message. Blocked her. You did the right thing.
 
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PaxNurgle said:
I am a little disappointed in myself right now because to an outsider, it seems it shouldn't have been this hard to just walk away from something that was obviously blatantly negative. But either way I can (and have) moved on.
Click to expand...
And who exactly are those outsiders? I suspect they exist only in your imagination. Because to anybody, who ever had to end any kind of relationship, it is obvious that it is NEVER easy. Hell, it is not easy to fire a cleaning lady, and here we are talking about a much more personal relationship.

A bit of personal history, if this will make you feel better: I needed to end an online relationship here, on Lit. I've never met the guy, in was all just words on the screen. Should be easy, right? It was not - I was crying for two days after I did it. And I mean literally crying, with very real tears. I was 100% sure that I did the right thing, but that did not make that break up any easier.

Things will be hard for a while, but they WILL get better! All that "time heals all wounds" might not be exactly true, you might never be again so trusting with anybody, pro or not, but it WILL get better. Give yourself a bit of time...a week or two...and get out, go find the local scene. And if "local" in your case ends up meaning two hour drive, so what? You will spend much less on gas than you were spending on her. Plus you might find somebody to carpool with - you just never know.

Congratulations! The hardest part is over!
 
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