How to deal with a breaking down marriage?

Sorry to hear the latest update, brokenman.

Did you ask her if anyone else is involved? If so, what did she say?

I have no idea if there is anything you can do to save the situation. Maybe the best thing to do is pack her straight back to her mum's place, sever contact and start divorce proceedings. The shock of the actuality of it all might jolt her to her senses if she is not really 100% sure about this.

Sometimes you just have to realize the writing is on the wall. Consider this the first day of the rest of your life. Don't waste it by trying to save something that is unsavable and don't waste too much time with anger and depression. You are Humpty Dumpty. Put yourself back together and move on with your life. If you do it correctly in the end you will be better off and she probably will not. Live for that.

I did ask if there was anyone else but she said no. I do know that she is in a lot of contact with a guy from college and they go meet up when she is in his town on conferences for work and they went out for lunch in the week she was away at her mothers. But in day to day we live 800 miles away from him so not that practical to assume anything there but it does feel like it. How do I broach the subject without seeming paranoid after already asking her. I also did go a bit crazy when I found a notebook with details of dreams she had about other people in years gone bye and she said its paranoia like that that will drive her away even more.????

To update though I have taken some time away at my friends and not really sure what I'm going to do when I go back. I am going to try and not spend any time around her and do things so I'm not reliant on anyone. For anything while I try and find a new place to live. She is buying me out off our house so no chance of her moving out.

One question and one piece of advice.

How do you honestly feel about you marriage?

Find whatever friends you can. You are going to need friends if your marriage dissolves. Find out who your real friends are and get closer to them.

How I feel?.. I would do anything to save my marriage. We have been together so long it makes me uncomfortable thinking about having to manage without her.
I do have friends who are there for me no matter what ant they are around me just now for all the support I need.

If I could figure out what I need to do I will do it no questions asked.

Have you asked that very question "What would it take to save our marriage?". If you already have and the answer was "It can't be saved" then the best possible solution is to work toward your own happiness. Obviously that won't happen until you let go of the past and that probably will take months or longer, but the change eventually happens.

If you get a positive and achievable answer then reply with "I will try my utmost to make this happen. Let us work through these goals with a relationship counsellor".

Clingy, jealous, insecure, un-trusting, paranoia, suspicious - any of these from you and your chances are zero. As much as you would do anything to have her respect, a relationship is a two-way field - don't give up your self respect. Don't go for the pity angle as you will be respected less and will no doubt be met with a why bother attitude. If there is someone else in her life or even if not, if she believes that she has to choose between pitiful and someone with confidence and strength of character, I can't see the self-pitying winning her affection, can you?

There are always two sides and you will have to carefully analyse where you went wrong. You will have somewhere. Even if she is the one pulling away, you will need to face up to the why at some stage. The benefit of this may be for your next partner.

If you are having time apart, respect that space. Organise a mutually agreed time to touch base but don't contact or enquire between - building trust. Basically when you are apart you both have to agree that it is neither of your business what the other person is doing or indeed who you both are socialising with.

Even if it is over for now, build your confidence and self esteem up, be active in life and strive for personal contentment - it just may make you desirable again for her. Do this for yourself though, not in some kind of misguided belief she will come running back. Don't put your life on hold.

If you are breaking up - sort all issues out as amicably as possible - the moment there is any dispute only the lawyers benefit and there will be less to go around. The law will clearly provide information on how things should be divided - don't dispute that. Bring in lawyers to battle and you will kiss goodbye any chance of future contact or even friendship and you both will lose a bucket load of money.

Even if your wife doesn't want to go to therapy, a good counselor will be invaluable and help you transition through this phase of your life.

It sounds like she may have someone else, or at least has an interest in someone else. Of course she is going to deny, because that is what they do. I recommend googling surviving infidelity 180. It is a good guideline on how to cope/behave around a partner that has one foot out the door.

Good luck to you, and remember that many people survive divorce and come out better and stronger.

TinyWetPanties said:

I recommend googling surviving infidelity 180.

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what is this stuff? - curious
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
"180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person."

There you go Brokenman - kind of makes sense really - but do you have the strength to follow it through?

Perhaps you could start by creating a new profile here called MyNewLifeMan or similar - I'm actually being serious (yes a rare occasion)

edit:
In the mean time don't have sex together until you are sure there is a commitment from your wife that she is willing to work along with you on restoring a relationship. Let sex be a reward not a plea-bargain. You are years away from friends with benefits (if it could ever happen) - don't delude yourself - it will eat away at you all the more if it is anything other than a reward for positive steps gained.

Why do people exercise divorce as an option in a marriage? I can understand if there was abuse or addictions, but just being unhappy? Marriage is forever. Society needs to come back to terms with that and quit being so selfish.

Just my take.

Rainstorm2099 said:

Why do people exercise divorce as an option in a marriage? I can understand if there was abuse or addictions, but just being unhappy? Marriage is forever. Society needs to come back to terms with that and quit being so selfish.

Just my take.

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...because they (we) have very different values than you. Marriage maybe intended forever but it seems a majority of people would disagree with your belief that "Marriage is forever". Is it not selfish to hang on to an unhappy marriage?

Why oh why did I even bother writing this reply...?

lol @ getting married

You can't save what can't be saved. What you can save is your sanity. Make your choice.

Rainstorm2099 said:

Why do people exercise divorce as an option in a marriage? I can understand if there was abuse or addictions, but just being unhappy? Marriage is forever. Society needs to come back to terms with that and quit being so selfish.

Just my take.

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Maybe because people have grown up and realized that staying together as two miserable people doesn't make sense. While I think people often throw marriage away too easily (and get into marriage too easy as well), I also think staying in a dead marriage doesn't help anyone and makes no sense. For all the talk of marriage being sacred, forever, whatever, the reality of marriage is that it never really has been 'forever'. In the 'good old days', when divorce wasn't possible or difficult, a lot of people who were married in reality weren't, they maintained the illusion of being married but in reality were two people cohabitating the same space, and often were busy sleeping with other people and such...and what is the point?

The other thing about marriage being forever is back when all the religions were promoting that, typical lifespan was 35 at most, so marriages didn't last all that long, whereas with people now living into their 80's, for life means a lot more then it did back then.

As far as society coming to terms with marriage being forever, it has, it realized, rightfully, that how a marriage plays out is up to the people, and forcing a set of religious values on people doesn't help anyone, that it is up to the people.

For the OP:

My heart goes out to you, I know what this kind of pain feels like, and it seems like all the oxygen in the room is wiped out and that you won't be able to go on.....I agree with another poster, I seriously recommend finding a therapist or counselor to help you deal with all this, whatever the outcome is. Obviously, none of us is prescient or omniscient, so we don't know what is going on with your wife or why she thinks it is over, but from what you have written it sounds like she is convinced it is over, and it is possible if she hasn't found someone else already, she already is thinking of other people.....

As far as saving the marriage goes, that only works if both parties want to, and it doesn't sound like she does. In reality, it doesn't matter if she is seeing someone else or not, though it is interesting that if she feels the relationship is over why she would even bother to protect you......the only way it can be saved is if she is willing to work things through, but it sounds like she doesn't want that...one thing I think any married person owes the other is an explanation of why they want out, what the problem is, and saying "I don't want to hurt you" is a cop out in my opinion, and in many ways is even more cruel, because it doesn't allow the other person to get closure, to know the truth. It hurts the other person a lot more not to know the truth, because it leaves them guessing and also believing it must be their fault, and that is cruel. One thing a counselor can do is help you get closure and move on, and help you get the strength to be able to get from your wife the closure you need. I am truly sorry this is happening to you, and all I can hope is that you get a clean break and can move on.

My sympathies go out to you sir, I have been in a very similar situation. So I can appreciate what your going through. I wanted to save my marriage too and was prepared to do anything. For instance I suggested we both write a list of things we weren't happy with. She couldn't think of anything to write. I suggested we get professional help. She wasn't interested in that either. As for the sex department. She said she could make herself. Wow. Do I feel a lucky guy she didn't want to talk, she shut down on any and all efforts. And when your in a situation where the other person doesn't want to know then, as many have suggested you have to work on getting yourself happy.

In the end she regretted it. And made various efforts to win me back. But after a year of her making my life a misery the damage had been done. Now we are just friends, good friends as it happens. From what you've said it seems as though you've made infinitely more of an effort than she has. She didn't want to know. Time for you to focus on getting over this, putting your life together and moving on. It won't happen over night and there will be hard times ahead. Lean on family and friends for support. Things do get easier!

Rainstorm2099 said:

Why do people exercise divorce as an option in a marriage? I can understand if there was abuse or addictions, but just being unhappy? Marriage is forever. Society needs to come back to terms with that and quit being so selfish.

Just my take.

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Why would anybody want to stay in a dysfunctional marriage?

In my country, the current divorce percentage is 43, and has varied between 38% and 45% during the last 30 years.

...... and the church did not really care about marriage until approx year 1200.


If you look in the Bible, there is however a lot of funny rules about marriage, that are totally ignored today.

Cumference said:

Why would anybody want to stay in a dysfunctional marriage?

In my country, the current divorce percentage is 43, and has varied between 38% and 45% during the last 30 years.

...... and the church did not really care about marriage until approx year 1200.


If you look in the Bible, there is however a lot of funny rules about marriage, that are totally ignored today.

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What? You mean like "the rule of thumb" which dictated that a man could not beat his wife with a stick bigger around than his thumb?

Oops. <glances at top> This isn't the BDSM thread is it.

Sorry. Carry on.

Biblical BDSM..... we have too little of that!
(Unless it is short for Burning, Damnation, Slavery and Murder)


Another text about how little the bible really cares about marriage:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/greg-carey/bible-weddings_b_887979.html

Thanks for all the advice folks. i have been with friends and family for about 7 weeks now. i feel a lot better in myself and have had a few nights out meeting new people and one night catching up with a very old friend who i was out of contact with for the entire duraion of my relationship.
my sister has been really good helping me get out and meet people but also being there and supporting me when i am finding it difficult.
i am trying to move on but still have so many things to sort through that i know there will be many hard days to come.

Marriage is seldom like it is in the movies - well, not like the movies with happy endings anyway. If you tried and it didn't work out, don't feel bad about it. If you had positive feelings about your about-to-be ex, hang on to the good thoughts, but move on. There's a new life around the corner. Get ready to embrace it. Good luck. Have fun. And remember that it is not mandatory to hate your ex. I am very fond of all of mine. Otherwise, I would not have got together with them in the first place.

.....