curiousella
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2015
- Posts
- 11
New to BDSM and curious. I have a few questions. Can anyone help?
New
- Thread starter curiousella
- Start date
curiousella
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2015
- Posts
- 11
Do all BDSM relationships have to have punishments?
Structure sweet girl.
Behavior would dictate punishment. I like to think of it as Guidance sessions........
Behavior would dictate punishment. I like to think of it as Guidance sessions........
curiousella
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2015
- Posts
- 11
Can I choose to not receive punishments?
desertslave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2008
- Posts
- 5,491
We don't do 'punishment' here. We are both grownups. Obviously errors require correction, but it's usually a conversation that ends in "how can I do better" and "I'm sorry." Knowing that I've disappointed him is generally the most significant punishment in and of itself.
Now, that's not to say that we don't use BDSM, but for us that's much more a part of our lovemaking, not for punishment.
L
La damnee elle la licorne
Guest
CutieMouse
Meticulously Flighty
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2004
- Posts
- 8,493
I don't enter into relationships that involve punishment; I'm a grown woman, not a toddler.
If you aren't interested in a punishment-based dynamic, discuss that with potential partners and exclude the ones who expect punishment to be part of the relationship.
If you aren't interested in a punishment-based dynamic, discuss that with potential partners and exclude the ones who expect punishment to be part of the relationship.
MeekMe
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 14, 2013
- Posts
- 5,105
Nope, some do and some don't. In my relationship we gave the punishment thing a try and we didn't like it. So we don't use punishments.
You can.
That's not to say you should find somebody and demand they give up their fondness of punishment dynamics. What that does mean is find someone compatible with you that also doesn't want a punishment dynamic.
SpunThings
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2015
- Posts
- 649
No punishment here. I do what he says, and if I can't we talk about it.
BabblingBrooke
It's whatever
- Joined
- May 7, 2015
- Posts
- 5,705
This describes our dynamic, too, although funishments are a thing we both enjoy.
SpunThings
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2015
- Posts
- 649
We don't do funishment, but i like to provoke him to get a response. I can tell if he's on the edge of a mood, and to me it's more like retaliation. However, to some it might seem like funishment. I'm never outright disobedient, as he's never explicitly told me not to do those actions i provoke him with
curiousella
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2015
- Posts
- 11
How do you go about finding a real life dominant in your area?
Malich
Avuncular Curmudgeon
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2005
- Posts
- 3,131
Carefully, always carefully.
Assuming you're not in the back of beyond I would recommend going out to local meet-ups (Called munches) and meeting people in real life. These can be found though the events section of sites like Fetlife.
There are some online dating sites that have some kink related questions that might help if you're not confident about going out in person just yet but people on the internet can turn out to be not quite what they appear to be.
Whatever you do please remember that you do not have to settle for the first dominant who shows and interest and you do not have to settle for anything other than what you want from a relationship. If something feels wrong to you it probably is. There are predators out there as within any pool of people who use BDSM as a mask for their abusive tendancies. Do not let a dominant come between you and sources of advice, exisiting friendships or the life you want to live.
Other than that, get out there, sample, keep asking questions and good luck to you!
Assuming you're not in the back of beyond I would recommend going out to local meet-ups (Called munches) and meeting people in real life. These can be found though the events section of sites like Fetlife.
There are some online dating sites that have some kink related questions that might help if you're not confident about going out in person just yet but people on the internet can turn out to be not quite what they appear to be.
Whatever you do please remember that you do not have to settle for the first dominant who shows and interest and you do not have to settle for anything other than what you want from a relationship. If something feels wrong to you it probably is. There are predators out there as within any pool of people who use BDSM as a mask for their abusive tendancies. Do not let a dominant come between you and sources of advice, exisiting friendships or the life you want to live.
Other than that, get out there, sample, keep asking questions and good luck to you!
richard_daily
Slut Whisperer
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2006
- Posts
- 36,898
You can (and should) choose the things that you like. As has already been stated, this will probably mean finding partners who are compatible with those needs. A lot of it will likely be a process, as very few people can say exactly what they do or don't like if they haven't at least dabbled in it, and sometimes with more than one partner, as one person's style may be quite different from the next's.
I think what I'd recommend is rather than approaching a dominant and saying what you don't like, giving information on what you do like. There are lots of ways that you can do this, from having a sit-down conversation before you engage in anything sexual or involving power exchange, to writing out detailed contracts. I personally like when someone gives me that information in a flirtatious manner, using it as part of foreplay, or as sexual play in general, as for me, it builds helps to build up the sexual tension/energy.
curiousella
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2015
- Posts
- 11
What if you still have yet to figure out what you like? I have a general idea of what I would be into but I'm still fairly uncertain it's accurate or not.
EruditeDaddy
Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 2, 2015
- Posts
- 30
It's important to balance your caution with a little sense of adventure. There's a reason that so many people will try anything once. It's because, often, the thing we thought we would hate ends up being the thing we crave the most. Try things, experiment. Just be careful who you do those things with. That can make all the difference in the world.
L
La damnee elle la licorne
Guest
richard_daily
Slut Whisperer
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2006
- Posts
- 36,898
I would assume you have fantasies that you have imagined? What direction do those go in? That would provide you with a good starting point to begin exploring, and you can adjust from there depending on your experiences.
ToPleaseHim
JtohisPB/Brooke :)
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2008
- Posts
- 6,808
Read everything you can get your hands on, if you're a reader, including stories here, but also books. I had no idea what all I would come to like when I first started exploring BDSM with a partner. In fact, a few hard limit "I know I'll never do THAT" acts have become things I now definitely do.
Anonymaso
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2015
- Posts
- 220
You don't have to enjoy/endure pain to be a sub, whether it's put into the context of punishment or not. Some prefer their kink more sensual and pleasurable. That has no reflection on your desire to submit. In any event you don't want to go running before you can walk, regardless of how experienced your chosen partner is (or says they are.) Some people like the idea of punishment, others want to discuss things. I wouldn't get into punishment to start with, certainly. It basically means the other person is deciding what's right/wrong and therefore merits punishment. This should be pretty flexible to begin with, because you're still finding out what you like and where your limits lie. If you were in a longer standing dynamic and knowingly flouted rules that you expressly agreed to, that could put a different spin on things. To start out with kink, you're best off not labelling things as good or bad. Find out what you actually enjoy and then go from there.
Hope that makes sense!
Hope that makes sense!
curiousella
Virgin
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2015
- Posts
- 11
That's a really good idea. I'm so grateful that everyone is answering my questions. I'm really looking forward to exploring my limits.
Confused
I wouldn't say that I'm a noob. But I'm def new to the topic when discussing with other people about it. I'm married. And I've been i.e. Pilsner say unhappy but not whole. For a while even before my marriage. After reading a few books a couple years ago I've grown attached. I thought it was just a good read but recently I've been thinking. This feels like me, this is how I am.. I've been thinking I might be a Dom. I've always been unyielding. I try to bend for the other persons needs. But I've always been. Idk I feel like I want more. I'm not asking for hook ups. I'm asking for help. To see if I really am. How would I know.
I wouldn't say that I'm a noob. But I'm def new to the topic when discussing with other people about it. I'm married. And I've been i.e. Pilsner say unhappy but not whole. For a while even before my marriage. After reading a few books a couple years ago I've grown attached. I thought it was just a good read but recently I've been thinking. This feels like me, this is how I am.. I've been thinking I might be a Dom. I've always been unyielding. I try to bend for the other persons needs. But I've always been. Idk I feel like I want more. I'm not asking for hook ups. I'm asking for help. To see if I really am. How would I know.
Anonymaso
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2015
- Posts
- 220
@Owlcity3
I guess a good starting point is what you think about when you masturbate. Is it rough sex or sex where you're firmly in control? Do you get more turned on when you're directing things in the bedroom or ache to be rougher with your partner? What porn do you/would you prefer to watch?
Lots of people have an alpha personality in their daily lives but this doesn't always translate to the bedroom or relationships. Plenty of people who are alpha actually enjoy the release of submitting sexually. So how you are outside of the bedroom doesn't dictate what you most want/need inside it.
In addition, not all dominants are sadistic. Some just want to be in the driving seat. Could you handle treating a partner roughly? Could you enjoy that? Could you enjoy inflicting pain or causing distress/suffering? Can you take ownership of that and full responsibility if something goes wrong? Can you stick to an agreed set of limits or could you get... carried away, given that kind of power?
I guess a good starting point is what you think about when you masturbate. Is it rough sex or sex where you're firmly in control? Do you get more turned on when you're directing things in the bedroom or ache to be rougher with your partner? What porn do you/would you prefer to watch?
Lots of people have an alpha personality in their daily lives but this doesn't always translate to the bedroom or relationships. Plenty of people who are alpha actually enjoy the release of submitting sexually. So how you are outside of the bedroom doesn't dictate what you most want/need inside it.
In addition, not all dominants are sadistic. Some just want to be in the driving seat. Could you handle treating a partner roughly? Could you enjoy that? Could you enjoy inflicting pain or causing distress/suffering? Can you take ownership of that and full responsibility if something goes wrong? Can you stick to an agreed set of limits or could you get... carried away, given that kind of power?
