Mental Illness

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

I apologize if I implied anything derogatory for I meant to distinguish the respective disciplines as to traditional functions NOT how theyre used.

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desertslave said:

So many thoughts to comment on.

I'll be 55 in a bit over a month. Hence, I grew up during a time when boys were being diagnosed with ADHD (which was just plain 'hyperactive' back in the day), but girls were largely overlooked. I had horrible times in school, was regularly labeled an underachiever/daydreamer, but nobody ever thought to find me a diagnosis. I was finally diagnosed ADD in my freshman year of college, and treated with Ritalin and behavior therapy. It was like a light going on in a shuttered room! I could concentrate, even on boring stuff. I could plan and structure my time and do what needed to be done. I went from a B/C student (who tested 'remarkably well') to straight A's. (Yes, I've been invited to MENSA...obnoxiously boring people for the most part.) I've been called too smart for my own good, too.

Part of my troubles, when I was younger, was horrible impulse control, compulsive thrill-seeking, and just plain not fitting in with 'normal.' As a kid I desperately wanted to "belong" and likely became depressed without ever understanding it. After a while, those particular chemical pathways become worn, like ruts in a dirt road. Being given anti-depressants was another light bulb.

Crashing so hard a few weeks ago was oddly comfortable, til it got too extreme. A kind of internal 'oh, they know me here' sensation, til it got too carried away.

Now I'm in a whole new wilderness that I don't understand. Adjusting from one med to another leaves me feeling so weird and unfamiliar with myself. Sometimes things feel entirely too bright and sharp. Othertimes I feel dull and loggy and the vertigo leaves me queasy. I want to turn it all OFF, but don't know how. I don't even have the right language for this. It's frustrating, all by itself. Asking for help and being denied by the pros I would expect to have the answers makes it worse. I should turn to Master, though I don't at all expect him to be my shrink, but there are troubles between us that have turned my rock into slippery, treacherous ground.

I feel so fucking alone and confused. And scared shitless. Making everything just stop is...like a silken, enticing voice, beckoning and promising that this is the right way. Darkness becomes incredibly seductive, especially compared to all of the overwhelming pain. Bad pain, not the kind I still believe that I need, that really could set me right again. Something else I can't have.

Fuck!

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BiBunny said:

No problem. I was about three-quarters asleep when I replied, and now reading back over it, I realize it came out a lot bitchier than I meant for it to. Sorry!



I'm not a doctor (obviously), but I have heard about quite a few cases of people who were initially diagnosed with AD(H)D and depression later be diagnosed with bipolar. Does that mean that, in younger people, bipolar can masquerade as AD(H)D, or does it mean that the two just often occur together? I have no idea, LOL.

As for the rest of your post, we're here for you. Feel free to post as often as you need to if it helps.

Thinking of you.

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BiBunny said:

No problem. I was about three-quarters asleep when I replied, and now reading back over it, I realize it came out a lot bitchier than I meant for it to. Sorry!



I'm not a doctor (obviously), but I have heard about quite a few cases of people who were initially diagnosed with AD(H)D and depression later be diagnosed with bipolar. Does that mean that, in younger people, bipolar can masquerade as AD(H)D, or does it mean that the two just often occur together? I have no idea, LOL.

As for the rest of your post, we're here for you. Feel free to post as often as you need to if it helps.

Thinking of you.

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desertslave said:

So many thoughts to comment on.

I'll be 55 in a bit over a month. Hence, I grew up during a time when boys were being diagnosed with ADHD (which was just plain 'hyperactive' back in the day), but girls were largely overlooked. I had horrible times in school, was regularly labeled an underachiever/daydreamer, but nobody ever thought to find me a diagnosis. I was finally diagnosed ADD in my freshman year of college, and treated with Ritalin and behavior therapy. It was like a light going on in a shuttered room! I could concentrate, even on boring stuff. I could plan and structure my time and do what needed to be done. I went from a B/C student (who tested 'remarkably well') to straight A's. (Yes, I've been invited to MENSA...obnoxiously boring people for the most part.) I've been called too smart for my own good, too.

Part of my troubles, when I was younger, was horrible impulse control, compulsive thrill-seeking, and just plain not fitting in with 'normal.' As a kid I desperately wanted to "belong" and likely became depressed without ever understanding it. After a while, those particular chemical pathways become worn, like ruts in a dirt road. Being given anti-depressants was another light bulb.

Crashing so hard a few weeks ago was oddly comfortable, til it got too extreme. A kind of internal 'oh, they know me here' sensation, til it got too carried away.

Now I'm in a whole new wilderness that I don't understand. Adjusting from one med to another leaves me feeling so weird and unfamiliar with myself. Sometimes things feel entirely too bright and sharp. Othertimes I feel dull and loggy and the vertigo leaves me queasy. I want to turn it all OFF, but don't know how. I don't even have the right language for this. It's frustrating, all by itself. Asking for help and being denied by the pros I would expect to have the answers makes it worse. I should turn to Master, though I don't at all expect him to be my shrink, but there are troubles between us that have turned my rock into slippery, treacherous ground.

I feel so fucking alone and confused. And scared shitless. Making everything just stop is...like a silken, enticing voice, beckoning and promising that this is the right way. Darkness becomes incredibly seductive, especially compared to all of the overwhelming pain. Bad pain, not the kind I still believe that I need, that really could set me right again. Something else I can't have.

Fuck!

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JAMESBJOHNSON said:

In the 80s I screened kids for ADHD-ADD and BIPOLAR. The schools and health department referred the kids to me. Real ADHD is a horror show of destruction and dangerous acts. Theres no doubt the kid is off the chart. But I never met one of these kids who was violent to others. They'd destroy your office or your home but not you. Bipolars wanna kick some ass. Its a mood disorder. Hyperactivity is wanton, unguided action.

Plenty disagreed with me on this, but if a kid could play a computer game for 15 minutes or watch Britney Spears dance and sing, ADD wasn't their problem. Kids will sit and watch good movies for the entire appointment. No ADD.

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desertslave said:

The inpatient psychiatrist asked me if anyone had ever thought I was bipolar before. I had to LOL in his face...only my ex-husband when we'd had a major fight.

I'm perfectly open to the possibility, but if the med I'm on is any example, then it's the wrongest of wrong fits for me. After thinking over the past two weeks and reading my journaling, I'm planning to talk to my regular doc tomorrow about weaning me off this crap as quickly but safely as possible. It's an off-label use anyway (it's primarily an anti-seizure med?) so I have serious qualms about what's going on. More than anything, I want to go back on my Adderall without any other chemical interference, and see where I go from there. Ritalin worked like a charm in college. (After I'd played around with cocaine and realized that it slowed me down. I did a few lines at a party and fell asleep in the corner!)

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BiBunny said:

Makes sense to me.

I've never had the hyperactivity problem, but I do have pretty bad attention problems and even worse memory problems. I suspect it's more a side effect of the bipolar as opposed to a separate thing, at least in my case.



I think most of the anti-epileptics used as mood stabilizers are seriously hit or miss...and there's no way to know what's gonna hit and what's gonna miss. I got lucky in that the first one they tried for my crazy worked well enough that I haven't had to change it, but when I was in college, I was on some others (for other reasons), and they all made me climb the walls. Certainly not the most pleasant feeling.

I don't blame you for wanting to talk to your doctor, though. If something's not working, there's no sense in continuing to struggle through it for nothing in return. Fingers crossed that you get it all sorted out pretty quick!

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desertslave said:

Ahhh the mental health assholes! I can tell you that I gained more from my 'fellow travelers' two weeks ago than I did from the shrink. The 'behavioral health techs' were a close second...kind, incredibly patient and caring people. Is it weird that I miss them?

One of my cousins is a clinical psychologist. He and my brother have been very close for many years. Bro has learned entirely too much psychobabble from him. We had a quarrel once, several years ago, and tried that "reflective listening" on me (which I'd just learned in my own psych class). I turned on him, waving the soapy knife I'd been washing, and told him to NEVER use that crap on me again! It's a technique that obviously can be helpful, but not when you just have your words parroted back at you without any real effort at processing what's been said.

They brought up that technique in one of our group sessions. I had a fit, and made it my mission to demonstrate how to do it well and how not to do it.

Off to my regular doc in an hour.

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desertslave said:

So, thanks in part to an up close and personal crying attack, my doc agrees that this med has bad juju for me. Whew! Starting the taper today, dropping from twice a day to once a day for a few days, then half for a few more days. Hopefully I'll be 'clean & sober' for a few days before my therapy appointment, then we can start over, if need be.

I find it so strange, in reading literature on various psychoactive meds, that they'll either kill ya or cure ya. Ritalin never messed me up like this, it just made me calmer and able to tackle things that normally couldn't hold my attention.

I really want off this ride, it's no fun at all. I want to be the good slave that Master deserves again.

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Terranim said:

((Hugs))

I apologize if the hugs are crossing the line, but it's my nature to offer some comfort.

I am certain your master understands, and that your master supports you. The important thing is to be right with yourself first, so that you can serve your master better. And I am sorry you are on this rollercoaster... no one should have to go through that.

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BiBunny said:

I hope you have good luck coming off this med and getting back on your Ritalin, DS!


Ok, this is kind of an iso blurt, I guess, but I feel like it makes more sense to put it here.

When things are going well, does anybody else ever just feel like all you're really doing is waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I always struggle in the fall and winter, and last year, it lasted even on through the spring and summer. This year, the fog kinda lifted in March, and it's been mostly absent since then. And it's wonderful, it really is, but there's a small part of me that's afraid to enjoy it too much because who knows when the next cloud is going to descend? (I hesitated to even post this because it felt so much like tempting fate!)

Logically, I realize this is an extremely stupid attitude to have toward everything (and I'm probably just asking for it to all go to hell in a handbasket by being afraid that it will), but...nearly three months of normal? I'm not sure if this has ever happened before. I guess I don't know how to handle it.

Dear Universe, I am neither complaining nor bragging about this. Please don't take it away in recompense.

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desertslave said:

Despite my struggles the last...18 months?...I'm generally an optimist and more of a grasshopper than an ant. I try very hard to live in the moment and enjoy whatever it has to offer. BUT, once things start to go wobbly, I'm looking over my shoulder more often than not. This past year has been so much more about controlling the wobble than enjoying the good moments. I think that's what makes me so damned desperate. I'm sick of anticipating the other shoe.

Love every moment of normal, just in case. But don't look behind you too hard, lest it become a self-fulfilling glance.

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BiBunny said:

I hope you have good luck coming off this med and getting back on your Ritalin, DS!


Ok, this is kind of an iso blurt, I guess, but I feel like it makes more sense to put it here.

When things are going well, does anybody else ever just feel like all you're really doing is waiting for the other shoe to drop?

I always struggle in the fall and winter, and last year, it lasted even on through the spring and summer. This year, the fog kinda lifted in March, and it's been mostly absent since then. And it's wonderful, it really is, but there's a small part of me that's afraid to enjoy it too much because who knows when the next cloud is going to descend? (I hesitated to even post this because it felt so much like tempting fate!)

Logically, I realize this is an extremely stupid attitude to have toward everything (and I'm probably just asking for it to all go to hell in a handbasket by being afraid that it will), but...nearly three months of normal? I'm not sure if this has ever happened before. I guess I don't know how to handle it.

Dear Universe, I am neither complaining nor bragging about this. Please don't take it away in recompense.

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Beth87 said:

I'm not a fan of the level of "reflection" we're taught to use with clients. It has uses, obviously, but I think it has a time and place. Just finished some art therapy training and that's all it was. Man I hated that training. It's the parrot thing..when I role play client I just want to yell..don't you have your own fecking thoughts? If I wanted to hear myself I could just record me.

My therapist will pick out words. If I'd tallied about killing the neighbours whilst making a cake..he would talk about it. But he balances it out with him talking to reassure or educate. He asks lots of questions and usually I only tell him to shut up when he's being nice to me for too long. Lol

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IrisAlthea said:

I think this is something almost everyone does at times.

The thing is that you are no worse off if you enjoyed the good times and not one bit better off because you can say "Well, I knew all the time this was just a sliver of silver lining".
The good time doesn't turn into bad time just because it ends.

Easier said than lived, I know.

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Terranim said:

I wish I had experience with therapists who would do more than just reflect. Usually, the random murder bit trips them up completely and ends the session. Especially since my tone of voice doesn't change.

Of course, it doesn't help that one therapist believed I was actually confessing to a murder I'd actually done... until the cops arrived, talked with me, and discovered I was confessing to the murder of Abraham Lincoln.

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BiBunny said:

Thank you.

I think I've been trying to control the wobble my whole life. This is the only time I can remember (which isn't saying much, given my memory) when I haven't had to, and I guess have no idea what to do with myself.

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desertslave said:

So this afternoon we sent the boys to a movie just to get them out of the house at the same time for enough time. Playtime commenced.

I absolutely swear that one hour (more or less) of hard play and ensuing endorphins has done more good for me than all of the other crap I've been subjected to in the last three weeks! Groups were nice, drugs fucked me up.

Endorphins and orgasms for the win!

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Terranim said:

If only it were possible to keep them flowing constantly without killing someone.

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