Seeking feedback

Hi there,

I have written a couple of short fantasy stories but want to start submitting accounts of my time as a Dominant. These are true stories - memoirs would be a better term - and I'd like some constructive feedback.

The first one is below - it is quite short and intended as an introduction. Thank you all in advance.

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[Please do not post entire story on the Forum. You can either ask for feedback for a snippet (maximum three paragraphs) or on a story which is already posted on Literotica Website.]

This forum is for stories already posted to Literotica. When you post them directly to the forum you are circumventing the Web site's review process.

My sincere apologies.

No need to apologise to anyone. Start a thread when you've posted a story here. Good luck.

Well, here is the story up published.

http://www.literotica.com/s/dominant-memoirs-ch-00-introduction

All constructive feedback welcome. There are a couple of typos and grammer glitches that I missed unfortunately - but am hoping for feedback regarding flow, structure and narrative aspects.

Many thanks in advance.

I just read this, and found it kind of dry, really. I know it's background, but it's rather monotonous. This happened. That happened. This happened. That happened. But there's not much emotion involved, at least not yet, that I could find.

BDSM is not my thing, so I realize I might be missing something, but I can say that I don't feel compelled to read more about this person. The details of how he (I'm guessing the narrator is a he) became a Dominant are also very thin. He wasn't having luck with women, then happened to meet a guy who, luckily, helped him out. But the narrator didn't even seem that excited about this new-found world, and I'd think he should be.

That's just not much there, although maybe you'll go into more detail later.

Your mechanics were good, no mistakes jumped out at me (although I likely missed some), and I mean this in the best way. It's refreshing to read a story with decent sentence construction, proper punctuation, etc. So keep doing that.

I concur with PennLady's comments -- it doesn't feel much like a story, but more like an outline or list of events. There isn't any dialogue, and very little description. Have you ever heard the saying, "Show, don't tell"? If you Google that phrase, there are a lot of excellent examples.

I do enjoy the BDSM category, but shy away from the hard core stuff, extreme pain, humiliation, etc. My BDSM pieces tend to be fluffy fantasy, sort of D/s lite -- a hard spanking for a naughty sub, then lots of sexy comforting once they have seen the error of their ways and are truly penitent Not everyone is into that, but I've found an audience that likes my writing style, and I usually get fairly positive feedback.

Your story, as I'm sure you're aware, has a very interesting twist; subs are usually depicted as younger than the Dom -- the ingenue, the innocent, the student, Daddy's girl. Perhaps you might find a niche audience of folks that would enjoy a crossover of both BDSM and the mature category?

I agree with Penn lady also. It is why I always tell writers on LIt. never to tell a true story. They always read like newspaper articles about sex (except much more wordy.) You tell us about her loving to be spanked, caned, even. Don't tell us, cane her! Let us see the welts rise, hear her sighs and cries, take her to the brink 'til she uses her safe word. You tell us she squirts afterward. Let us hear and feel and smell her squirting.

Stories should not be true, but true to life. You have the advantage of knowing individuals you do not have to create. Turn them loose and let them love and live and hurt and do all the things you never dared do. Let us hear all the sounds, smell all the odors, see all the details, touch the burning welts on her ass, taste her salty tears. Please. BDSM is not my thing, but my main objection to "50 Shades" was that it was a cop out. I wanted so bad for her to cum from being tied up tight and whipped. Please don't let your stories be a cop-out. Write stories hat make your readers rock hard and/or soaking wet.

I suggest this: Collect a sample of BDSM writers, read their wares, note their styles, and organize your style from what you like in others. Shape your writing till it suits and pleases you.

I checked out your other stories, and they seem to be more three-dimensional, more dialogue and description. I almost wonder if you might have a stronger readership for those two pieces in Fetish rather than BSDM?

Some fantastic advice here. Many thanks to all.