New Writer Looking for Feedback

[Highonhope]

I have just completed four parts of a pretty short story and I would love some constructive feedback. There have been very few comments posted, giving me not much to go on. I would like to hear some constructive criticism as well as any ideas of where to take it next.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

https://www.literotica.com/s/petite-and-the-beast-pt-01 is the first part, for anyone else wanting to take a look.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Your first chapter is rated 4.26 so clearly most people aren't as bothered as I am. However, I found the technical errors bothersome enough I gave up after a single paragraph. I'll go through that paragraph sentence by sentence:

"Emily(21) and Ethan(28)..."

Most people prefer you to work this sort of information into the narrative rather than explicitly dumping it. E.g., "Ethan was seven years Emily's senior, and the difference between 28 and 21 was marked."

"...were into they're second year together."

Their.

"Living together for one full year."

Sentence fragment, and not for effect as far as I can tell.

"It started off so well as these things often do."

I would add a comma after "well". On my first read I thought you meant "as well as".

"Ethan had been a great listener, sometimes a little closed off, but generally attentive and by far the best lay Emily ever had."

Show, don't tell.

"Emily had only had two previous relationships, at 5'1" she was inclined to feel vulnerable and was slow to put herself out there."

Comma splice.

"There was no shortage of suitors, she had..."

Comma splice.

"...a tiny waist, a perfect little ass, D cups that looked too big for her tiny frame and a face that was fairy like in both its structure and resting expression."

This bothered me in a few ways.

It's another info dump, for one. Could you at least have her look in a mirror? Have another characters comment on her appearance? Complain about how she can't find a bra in the right cup/band size?

It's also just a bit too long for me to read comfortably. You've got a four-item list where the last couple of items are 10 and 13 words long.

And I don't really understand the last bit. I get how a face could be fairy like in structure. Delicate, elfin, gracile, right? But what does it mean to be fairy like in resting expression?

"Her previous partners where pretty effeminate..."

Were.

"...guys, Ethan was a big departure from them."

Comma splice.

"He is..."

Jumped into present tense.

"...six foot of solid muscle, Emily had felt so safe with him."

Comma splice.

I'm going to stop noting every mechanical mistake now, but I'll note I'm less than halfway through the first paragraph. The density of mistakes is pretty discouraging.

Your mistakes don't read like those of a non-native speaker. Are you maybe not proof-reading before you post? Or using a spell check / grammar check tool? I think even Google Docs would have caught a bunch of these. Something like Grammarly would be even better.

A couple of higher-level comments about the first paragraph, though, since I did read all of it:

1. It's 254 words long! All of your paragraphs are way too long for me to read comfortably. At some point, I start needing the whitespace as landmarks for my eyes. It's just physically hard to track all the way across the line. And they aren't even long because you have a lot to say on the same topic. You've just got multiple topic run together without breaks.

2. "the Minx" is an awfully tame nickname for cops to give someone who looks like she does and has had three stalkers and two flashers. I'd have expected something cruder.

Again, don't take this too hard. You've got a 4.26 and that looks typical of your stories. Somebody likes your writing. Imagine how many more would if you cleaned up some of these mechanical errors.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Oh, "fairy like" probably needs a hyphen.

 

[Highonhope]

Thank you for going through what you did in so much detail. I do have a bad habit of speeding through and pressing publish without sufficient review. I am now embarrassed and will let that drive an improvement in my writing.

 

[Passiontyper]

Looking at your story, I've identified three main areas in which I think the story potentially falls short, and where I feel it could be improved. Going in the order from more urgent and apparent areas of improvement to less, they are as follows.

1. Grammar! The most glaring and in my opinion by far most serious flaw of your story is the number of grammatical errors. joy_of_cooking has thoroughly gone through the first paragraph, so I'll try to look at other parts of the first chapter when giving examples.

Punctuation seems to me to be at the center of this problem. The punctuation ought to be reworked pretty much throughout the story, with many areas that should have punctuation missing it and many areas that do have punctuation that shouldn't, though this isn't a comprehensive summary of the problem. Some examples:

Ethan was not only taller and more muscular than her previous partners but had a significantly larger appendage and Emily appreciated the difference. →

Ethan was not only taller and more muscular than her previous partners but had a significantly larger appendage*,* and Emily appreciated the difference.

She had only ever seen one bigger, unfortunately it belonged to one of her flashers. →

She had only ever seen one bigger*.* Unfortunately*,* it belonged to one of her flashers.

They were met in a small reception hut by a large woman in her forties, she must have been 6'2", She couldn't have been a more contrasting figure to Emily who stood between Ethan and the giantess. →

They were met in a small reception hut by a large woman in her forties*.* She must have been 6'2" and she couldn't have been a more contrasting figure to Emily, who stood between Ethan and the giantess.

From behind his back flexed and rippled as his sinuous muscle looked so alive, 'Its alive' thought Emily as she was reminded of a past sexual fantasy wherein Frankenstein became her pet and squashed her foe between love making sessions. →

From behind his back*,* she could see how it flexed and rippled*.* His sinuous muscle muscles looked so alive*.* 'Its It's alive' thought Emily Emily thought as she was reminded of a past sexual fantasy wherein Frankenstein became her pet and squashed her foe between *their* love-making sessions.

And these are not isolated examples. Unfortunately, the whole text is more or less troubled like this.

However, there are also some other grammatical errors, like the They're → Their error joy_of_cooking mentioned and

As Tommy entered the Hut it felt like the space just halved, Emily in full shock and awe stumbled backwards into Ash's pendulous breasts. →

As Tommy entered the Hut it felt like the space just halved*.* Emily in full shock and awe stumbled backwards backward into onto Ash's pendulous breasts.

2. The text could be written a bit more imaginatively! Looking at a few examples:

This one landed, Ethan could believe himself more handsome. Emily wondered to herself if he was more handsome than Tommy, or just more effeminate. Either way this was a bad start to the holiday, Emily figured she should go for a run to allow him to cool off.

Using 'this' near the start of two sentences in a row feels repetitive, and you do this twice in quite a short text.

She introduced herself as Ash(42) and made Emily feel very welcome and relaxed, she had a very motherly attitude, and explained how all the facilities of the Cabin worked.

It feels like a list when written like this, write multiple sentences instead.

A few moments later Tommy appeared at the door, more precisely Tommy fully eclipsed the door. As Tommy entered the Hut it felt like the space just halved, Emily in full shock and awe stumbled backwards into Ash's pendulous breasts. Tommy stood a full 7'3", Jesus Christ thought Emily, we are in bigfoot country

A lot of sentences are both very plainly written, whilst simultaneously being very informal, and this makes them uninteresting to read. Also, watch out for passive voice. The sentences above are a very good example of one section which could be way more interesting, and I feel like this goes for much of the story. Imagine instead:

When Tommy appeared at the door a few moments later, he didn't as much stand by the doorframe, as totally eclipse it. He was barely more than a boy, having juyt turned 18 years old. But when entered the shed it felt like the space inside halved. By Emily's reckon, he had to be at least three inches north of seven feet tall. "Jesus Christ," Emily thought to herself "we're in bigfoot country now.."

3. Show, don't tell! Showing and not telling means describing what happens to the characters, often from their own perspective, rather than merely telling the reader about the events. Of course, this is well and truly easier said than done, being not only more difficult to do but also forcing the writer to use many more words to say the same thing. Of course, the reverse of "Tell don't show" is okay in some parts of a story, even preferable at times, but "Show don't tell" is a key part of high-level fiction writing. Let's take our previous example and try to rewrite it in a "Show don't tell" manner:

Suddenly, the light inside the small hut grew dim. The previously bright shining rays of the sun which lit the room had been snuffed out at the small building's only point of entrance, replaced by the previously unnoticed glow of an old tungsten bulb hanging from the ceiling by a cord. Emily's attention immediately snapped to the door, unable to stifle a look of alarm from forming on her face. For a brief moment, she didn't know what she was looking at, her mind rushing between options ranging from a bear standing on it's hind-legs, to a weirdly-shaped tarp having blown in. But as soon as her eyes adjusted, she recognized it for what it was. A man. A very, very big man. His head and arms were hidden beyond the (admittedly somewhat small) doorframe, his torso and legs being more than enough to completely fill it up. And where his body wasn't covered by a set of dungarees so big and baggy they had to have been custom-made, his skin rippled with the sharp outlines of huge, hard muscles. Only when the giant man ducked his head inside to put a friendly, youthful, and handsome face on display did Emily realize that it was Ash's barely 18-year-old son Tommy who had just entered. It still didn't stop Emily from stumbling backward and right into the hostess' ample bosom when the hulking boy finally squeezed himself inside, filling what felt like half the space in the hut in the process. "J-Jesus Christ." Emily thought to herself, offering her attempt at an apologetic smile to the buxom lady behind her as she recovered from her near-fall. "We're in bigfoot country now..."

 

[Highonhope]

Thank you for your very well constructed criticism. I don't think I was taking this seriously enough. I can see that this story could have been a lot better than it is in its current form. Your response is above and beyond what I expected, and I am very appreciative of the guidance.