Feeling unwanted

Salenku said:

With regard to the specific time problem, We have agreed that I will not contact him unless he has sent me a message first, and then we can schedule time when we can talk.

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Oh geez, no, move on... "he's just not that into you" sorry, that's all I'm going to say.

Salenku said:

With regard to the specific time problem, We have agreed that I will not contact him unless he has sent me a message first, and then we can schedule time when we can talk.

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While you are waiting around for him to message you first, remember this ...

Salenku said:

He has now agreed that I can play with other people. I hope this will help.

I think you have a point about my keeping myself busier, though. Thanks, Cutiemouse.

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If he doesn't have a problem with you playing with others then keep your options open.

Loverskitten said:

Oh geez, no, move on... "he's just not that into you" sorry, that's all I'm going to say.

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I also wouldn't necessarily agree with this. Yes, it could be true. But maybe he simply is over scheduled with lots on his mind.

ecstaticsub said:

I also wouldn't necessarily agree with this. Yes, it could be true. But maybe he simply is over scheduled with lots on his mind.

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Well now I'm a liar, cause I'm responding again

I bet he's over scheduled ... with other subs.
"don't call us, we'll cal you" doesn't seem a good solution. I do agree, emphatically, see others.

Emotions are not logical, and though they need to be honored, it is not a good policy to let them drive decisions or allow knee jerk reactions that will cause repercussions.

That said, I find that if I take a moment to stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself what I am really needing in that moment, I can pick away at it more objectively and it helps to lessen the ache. If I push to define my feelings with "I am" statements instead of "I need or "I want" statements it can pull me out of an emotional tailspin and reengage my more intellectual side which is usually quite stabilizing. For example, I may realize in a moment that instead of I need or want him/her, I state that "I am lonely" and then I can address that. It may be that I am hurting and needing to be soothed or comforted. It may be that I am simply bored, which is always lovely facepalm that redirects me. And yes, it may end up that I am missing the company of someone in particular, but it can help to just acknowledge it.

And then again, what we resist, persists...so sometimes telling someone you miss them or that you are thinking about them can also sometimes be enough to ease the ache and close the loop. Often, I don't need anything more than to just say it and know it is heard to pick me up and send me on my way again.

When I struggle in general, I also find that defining a purpose for my efforts can be very grounding and motivating as well. Patience, especially when it is most difficult to give, can be a beautiful act of service in and of itself.

S, D/s aside, all this being human stuff is just hard sometimes. Hugs for what hurts and my best wishes to you as you find your way.

Loverskitten said:

I was about to say almost this exactly.

It seems in the kink/ D/s world, monogamy is kind of put down. I've seen it in discussions, especially on Fet and it bothers me.
Personally, I NEED monogamy, in relationships. Doesn't mean I don't have kinks or fetishes. I simply would not be happy in a poly or open relationship. It's perfectly ok of you feel this way too. There are Dominant men out there who also want a monogamous relationship.
I also need trust in a relationship. Seems you don't trust this man. I've been down the road with an unfaithful, pathological liar of a man and it really turns you into an insecure monster. I look back at myself then and hate what he turned me into. It feels so good not to question a partner.

I don't think you being able to see others is going to make you feel better. Finding someone who wants all of you is the key to feeling wanted.

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Pretty much. I wouldn't be cut out for poly, and it wouldn't matter how good at things the other people involved are. I'm too insecure, and I would constantly be afraid that they don't love me, that I'm being a pest, that the other subs are better at xyz than me, etc. I would either drive the dominant crazy, myself, or all of the above.

BiBunny said:

Haha, yeah, it'd drive me insane, too. Need. Lots. Of. Space.

People often want to blame the poly aspect, though, so I thought I'd (attempt to) point out that maybe the problem's not so much the poly as it is the folks trying to do it. It's quite possible to be mentally ok with it and still suck at the execution.

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I wasn't saying it had to be the poly aspect, I was just point out the possibility. Not everyone is cut out for poly, and it needed to be suggested.

Loverskitten said:

Oh geez, no, move on... "he's just not that into you" sorry, that's all I'm going to say.

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Either that, or he's married and his wife doesn't know what's going on.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to post, especially Curious in Cali, your advice really struck a chord, especially your comments about serving with patience, which I sorely lack.

He never asked me not to contact him first, I offered and it was accepted. I think perhaps I wasn't clear on that!

Graceanne, that is how I feel, I think, exactly. And I am worried that if I don't deal with it, I'll end up losing him.

I will play with other people while I am allowed to, but I'm not looking for anything more than that with anyone else. In fact, I wasn't looking to fall in love with him, but it happened...

As to finishing things, I really think I should let the hormones leave my body before I make a decision on that. Sir agrees that I'm not myself right now, and I think perhaps I'm being rather paranoid. While I stand by my original post, I do feel this way, I think it's entirely possible that my perception of the situation is somewhat skewed. Not that it makes it any less terrifying.

Thank you again for your support and advice, it really helped me begin to get a handle on this.

Last update

So he collared me four years ago. Since then, he's had a whole relationship and married her while promising we'd be monogamous. Many lies, much stress and insomnia on my part before he came clean (ish).

Edited to add that they were together before he collared me, I've found out, she knew about me but he never mentioned anything to be about their relationship.

You all were right. He just wasn't that into me. I just wish I hadn't needed so many years to find out.

Holy cow. What an update! So interesting you came back with it. So glad you did!

It's a rotten lesson to learn because it hurts and, on top of it, there's an element of you know your gut was right.

I've learned when that icky, nagging feeling is in my gut, it's time for me to change my circumstances.

It's a bummer you had to go through this. Glad you know your worth.

cookiecat said:

Holy cow. What an update! So interesting you came back with it. So glad you did!

It's a rotten lesson to learn because it hurts and, on top of it, there's an element of you know your gut was right.

I've learned when that icky, nagging feeling is in my gut, it's time for me to change my circumstances.

It's a bummer you had to go through this. Glad you know your worth.

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Thank you so much for your kind words. Hope you're having an awesome day.

Salenku said:

So he collared me four years ago. Since then, he's had a whole relationship and married her while promising we'd be monogamous. Many lies, much stress and insomnia on my part before he came clean (ish).

Edited to add that they were together before he collared me, I've found out, she knew about me but he never mentioned anything to be about their relationship.

You all were right. He just wasn't that into me. I just wish I hadn't needed so many years to find out.

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Hi!

I remember you from way back.

I'm so sorry to hear it didn't work out for you and that it ended up being such an awful situation. Sounds so rough.

Salenku said:

So he collared me four years ago. Since then, he's had a whole relationship and married her while promising we'd be monogamous. Many lies, much stress and insomnia on my part before he came clean (ish).

Edited to add that they were together before he collared me, I've found out, she knew about me but he never mentioned anything to be about their relationship.

You all were right. He just wasn't that into me. I just wish I hadn't needed so many years to find out.

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Although we do not know each other. I am so sorry to read this. I was curious about this post because of it being necroed. I was not expecting this to be an update.

I hope that you are doing well today.