Your thoughts on my story called Tease

blin18 said:

Nice story and very well written. Congratulations.

I have added a comment and 5 stars to the story but thought I would leave the critical feedback for here.

There's not much wrong with it except for a couple of bad word choices (best hand job he had *seen*, can't remember the other one). It also includes a couple of unannounced context shifts. It is almost all written with his POV but in a couple of places you shift to her. This can be OK, but you risk losing the reader if you do it too often. Best practice is to use chapter marks (I use ~~~ with a blank line above and below) and to engineer it so that the new chapter starts with the character's name whose POV we are following.

In your case, you only visit her POV for a couple of fleeting thoughts. I would either remove them or MUCH better, spend longer in her head and tell us more about her character and motivations.

Click to expand...

TheRedChamber said:

Good story, some very hot situations.

The main issue for me is that, while I'll believe that you can give a hand-job during a film and not be discovered, I'm struggling to believe that he can cum in her mouth and avoid discovery. I'm not saying its impossible, but as a horny reader I want you to show me that, yes it is possible, this is how it happened. I needed to be able to visualise the classroom a bit more, where is the teacher, know how loud the movie was, who the students immediately around him are etc. If she's giving him a hand job then she needs to be quite close to him, so she's going to need to move quite a lot to be in a position to suck his cock. Anyway my point is that this is the most erotic moment in the first half of the story, and I wasn't fully convinced it could happen as described.

With regards to numbers, I wouldn't worry too much, higher or lower than average you've still had 4,000 odd people read your story. I was interested in this question myself as I'm hoping to post a new story soon. I think my first (and so far only) story was something similar after a few days. After 4 months I'm only at 19,000 veiws and some of the stories get that after only a few days. You can look at the stories posted at the same time and see how many views they've got. I'm not sure why some people get a higher number of views, but I suspect there are a lot of factors including catagory, and the blurb that goes with your story. Just because people viewed another story more doesn't necessarily mean they enjoyed it more.

Click to expand...

allforfun86 said:

Also I use open office as my writing tool and when ever I try to add a line in there using a symbol like ~ or * for some reason it freaks out and a crazy solid black line appears across the page and screws it up. I've instead decided to start saying chapter 1 or chapter 2 and so forth in the story and if the story spans several posts then just calling a post part 1 or such.

Click to expand...

allforfun86 said:

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and leaving feedback. That was something I honestly never thought about, I had a mental picture in my head and just kinda assumed that when I said classroom everyone else would get the same image and looking back that was obviously the wrong thing to do lol. In future stories I'll make sure to do a better job of getting the surroundings set up so its more believable. Thanks again.

Click to expand...

her panties where pulled to the side and she had two fingers pumping in and out of her tight, dripping pussy. Her smooth milky legs where spread wide open

Click to expand...

Bramblethorn said:

You have several "where"s that should be "were", here and elsewhere in the story.

Click to expand...

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

I stopped reading after the first paragraph. Its generic storebrand porn.

Click to expand...

PennLady said:

I'm not familiar with OpenOffice, but I wonder if you might be able to go into your settings to get rid of that automatic black line. Word does similar stuff and I've turned it off. In Word I think you go to Format and AutoFormat, and then you can find a list of the options that you can check/uncheck.

I've taken to using this to indicate scene breaks: x-x-x-x

I'm not sure why, but it is one set of characters that the AutoFormat doesn't seem to notice or change.



It's tough when you're writing stuff like that. I think when I looked at your story, I envisioned more of an auditorium-type lecture hall. It's okay if that's not what you envisioned, but this would be an instance, I think, where if you want the reader to see what you see, you need to describe it. I saw the auditorium because I couldn't believe that such actions could take place in a classroom with desks in rows, for example.

Even so, though, I also wondered about positioning and things like that. Auditorium seating would make it reasonably easy for the hand job, but not so much for the swallowing, for example. At least in terms of envisioning it for a story.

Click to expand...