Humor Thread

"Classic Writing"

What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset. - Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator, 1890

Hold on to your divine blush, your innate rosy magic, or end up brown. Once you're brown, you'll find out you're blue. As blue as indigo. And you know what that means. Indigo. Indigoing. Indigone. - Tom Robbins

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that exalted, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. - George Bernard Shaw "Getting Married" (1908)

Handley_Page said:

"Classic Writing"

What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset. - Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator, 1890

Hold on to your divine blush, your innate rosy magic, or end up brown. Once you're brown, you'll find out you're blue. As blue as indigo. And you know what that means. Indigo. Indigoing. Indigone. - Tom Robbins

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that exalted, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. - George Bernard Shaw "Getting Married" (1908)

Click to expand...

Classic writing by DG Hear

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear,
You could always see Mary's Lamb
But never see her Bear.

You never know until you try something.

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

Roping a deer is never a good idea.

True story from my youth.

We used to hunt squirrels from boats on an old bayou in North Western Louisiana. A 14 foot jon-boat with a ten horse. My dad and I were in one boat and Bob Harlan and his grandson Jeff were in the other. They were working the right side of the bayou and we were working the left.

My dad and I had already killed a couple of squirrels and a nice fat swamp rabbit. Bob and Jeff were empty handed. We rounded a bend and I heard Jeff yell and point to the middle of the waterway. There was a large 6 point buck swimming the bayou.

Jeff hurriedly switched the shell in his gun from squirrel shot to 00 buckshot. As he took aim at the deers head, Bob yelled for him to stop, explaining that if he killed the deer it would sink like a rock. Jeff laid his gun down and grabbed the bow rope on the boat. A 14 foot boat usually requires an eighteen to twenty foot rope. He tied a slip loop in the end.

Bob drove the boat up along side the deer and Jeff dropped the loop over his horns and down onto his neck. Then he pulled the loop tight and picked up his shotgun. the deer veered away from the boat and Jeff stood up to shot. About then the deers feet must have touched bottom because he gave a jumping lunge and jerked the boat forward.

Jeff fell backwards and landed with a loud thud in the bottom of the boat flat on his back. His shotgun discharged straight up in the air, which spurred the deer to more jumping lunges. The water was getting shallower because the deer was picking up speed toward the shoreline.

I was hurriedly reloading my gun with 00 buckshot as dad sped up and headed for shore. Our boats reached dry ground about the same time. Only ours stopped and theirs didn't. Bob got the outboard motor shut down and bailed out on one side of the the boat as Jeff bailed out on the other. The deer on the other hand didn't miss a beat as he hauled ass with the jon-boat bouncing along behind him.

I jumped out of our boat and hauled ass after him. Even with the 14 foot boat tied around his neck, he was faster. Then he made his big mistake. He went between two small trees. The boat didn't fit and he ended up doing an abrupt back flip and somersault combination that should have broken his neck.

I ran up on his left side as he got to his feet. Seeing me he charged. At that time I didn't know deer would charge but then again I had never ran into one towing a boat before. I jumped behind a tree and then heard a loud thud. Looking around the tree the deer was flat on his back with his feet still up in the air. I took aim with the shotgun but he didn't move other than to fall slowly over on his side.

This time the rope had broken his neck.

So yeah, deer are very dangerous.

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the damn thing off.

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."


This is bad, lol Remember the Yo Mama jokes?

Yo momma is so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.


A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it, I can never remember that word."

An Airline introduced a special package for businessmen.

Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free.

After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip went.

90% of them gave a similar reply . . ."What trip?"

Yo momma is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.


A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Best Places to Retire in the US...
I can vouch for the Midwest
DG


You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2.. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighbourhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where....

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same
store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defence.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.

5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."

It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where....

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care centre.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR


FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist..

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

the retirement zones, DG!

I just have this very juvenile contribution gleaned from the cub scouts who came round to tea today. Apologies that it is a bit funnier for us Brits.

Five men are told they can have whatever they wish for as they go down a slide.

The Welshman wishes for a Six Nations win and as he slides down the slide, Wales are crowned champions.
The Irishman wishes for lots of beer and as he slides down, there is a barrel of Guinness at the bottom of the slide.
The Scotsman wishes for a new kilt. (It's what the cub scouts said!)
The Englishman wishes for a million pounds.
The Frenchman doesn't know what to wish for so as he goes down the slide, he just says weeeeee!

Swallow anything you're drinking before viewing.
https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/182963_10151698100681204_73414763_n.jpg
Cat beards, brilliant!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help leave you willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration,
dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke all-night.

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you feel may benefit!

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz.

HOW THE MUSTACHE WAS INVENTED

I went to my doctor for physical & he sent me to see an Urologist.

When I got there, I saw the Urologist was a very pretty female doctor, the female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

So I laid on my right & then said "99"

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, I said, '99'

The doctor said, "Very good, now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly now I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

I said,"1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14, erm,
Oh where was I ?
I'll start again,1,2,3

A 7-year-old boy in Virginia was suspended from school after he pointed his pencil at a fellow pupil and said "Bang!".

Even worse, he pointed it at another student and said "Would not bang!"

DG Hear said:

Classic writing by DG Hear

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear,
You could always see Mary's Lamb
But never see her Bear.

Click to expand...

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow.
Mary went to bed one night, the lamb was bound to go.
The lamb turned out to be a ram ...
And Mary had a little lamb.

One of the cutest commercials around.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/pfxB5ut-KTs?rel=0

This is cute!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?feature=player_embedded&v=341rybZ42vA

Chinese Prostate Treatment

I think I'll pass.

http://biggeekdad.com/2012/04/chinese-prostate-treatment/

Didn't see this one yet

Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize:

'Please*allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked:

*'How*does that*feel?'

'Feels great,' he replied, 'but I still think my thumb's broken...'

Deeply profound thoughts by two men:

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Craig continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob, women like that are hard to find.'

"Military" Quotes:

"An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep." - Arabian Proverb

"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally." -
Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's

One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...-
From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

"Out of every one hundred men, ten shouldn't even be there, eighty are just targets, nine are the real fighters, and we are lucky to have them, for they make the battle. Ah, but the one, one is a warrior, and he will bring the others back."
Heraclitus

I divide officers into four classes -- the clever, the lazy, the stupid and the industrious. Each officer possesses at least two of these qualities. Those who are clever and industrious are fitted for the high staff appointments. Use can be made of those who are stupid and lazy. The man who is clever and lazy is fit for the very highest commands. He has the temperament and the requisite nerves to deal with all situations. But whoever is stupid and industrious must be removed immediately."

Attributed, circa 1933
General Baron Kurt von Hammerstein-Equord (1878-1943)
German Chief of Army Command (1930-33)