Humor Thread

[Boxlicker101]

I wouldn't take her to a dogfight (Not even if she had a chance to win) (Buck Owens & Hee Haw cast)

several others are actual songs as well, even if the titles are a bit mangled.

One that was missed: Jerry Reed - She Got the Goldmine (With Lyrics) (I'd replace #2 with this one.)

And I got the shaft.

There are a few other classics missing: "Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road," "Drop kick me Jesus through the Goal Posts of Life," "Bubba Shot the Juke Box."

I know I'll think of some more as soon as I hit submit.

 

[Saxon_Hart]

This is the Charles Ramsey interview after he found the girls that were kidnapped. This is the interview of the century...I laughed my ass off.

Charles Ramsey

 

[Handley_Page]

Whilst away this weekend I noticed an extremist laden down with explosives fall into the sea. He was struggling and would surely drown if immediate action was not taken.

Being a dutiful citizen I contacted the coast guard, the police, and in-shore rescue.

It would appear he drowned.

It now seems a waste of 3 stamps

 

[Handley_Page]

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once..I'll give it a try.."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street?

I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces & shows?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would........ if I had a pussy."

 

[Handley_Page]

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my Lord?"

"Go ahead Carson" said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"

"What word is that?" said his Lordship.

"Aplomb" my Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure"

"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."

"I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "

"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"

"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"

Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling does your prick still throb?

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

Now that is aplomb!

 

[JackLuis]

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would........ if I had a pussy." ​

Now that is funny HP.

Good Show I must say.

 

[Saxon_Hart]

It was announced today that Buckwheat,
of Our Gang fame, has converted to
the Muslim faith and changed his name to
'Kareem of Wheat'.
Let’s just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer..

 

[DG Hear]

Two guys work for the city: one furiously digs a hole, the other quickly fills the hole.

A confused passerby asks: "Why do you dig a hole and fill it up again?"

The digger leans on his shovel and replies: "The lazy jackass who plants the trees is sick again today."



A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

 

[Handley_Page]

From a mate, this had me in stitches.
Don't know if you've seen this in the past but it's one of my all time favourites...always makes me laugh!



Chilli Cook Off Commentary
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or Other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of Chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to say that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report

 

[JackLuis]

UP OR DOWN

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing.’

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown"

 

[DG Hear]

Golf rules for beginners:

1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2) Form a loose grip.
3) Keep your head down.
4) Avoid a quick back swing.
5) Stay out of the water.
6) Try not to hit anyone.
7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10) Don't take extra strokes.

Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

 

[DG Hear]

Mother to daughter:

"What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."

 

[Handley_Page]

After Edward de Bono produced what I think is called 'lateral thinking', there were a great many little exercises produced to give you the general idea.

The following is the first time I've heard of someone applying the strategy in an example (although it does show that the questions should be written better):-

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
A. his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A. at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
A. liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
A. marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
A. exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A. Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
A. The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
A. No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples
and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
A. Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take
four men to build it?
A. No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.


The student doing this got NIL score.
There are those who'd have given him a Pass.

 

[DG Hear]

Just recieved this from a friend

A fart is a pleasant thing...
It gives the belly ease...
It warms the bed in winter...
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet...
A fart can be loud...
Some leave a powerful...
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short...
Or a fart can be long...
Some farts have been known...
To sound like a song.....

A fart can create...
A most curious medley...
A fart can be harmless...
Or silent...and deadly.

A fart might not smell...
While others are vile...
A fart may pass quickly...
Or linger a while...

A fart can occur...
In a number of places...
And leave everyone there...
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie...
To small elevators...
A fart will find all of...
Us sooner or later.

But farts aren't all bad...
Is simply not true...
We must never forget...
Sweet old farts like you!

 

[Handley_Page]

Quote: Advertising is the principal reason why the business person has come to inherit the earth.

Author: James R. Adams

Quote: An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Author: Fred A. Allen 1894-1957, American Radio Comic

Quote: I do not read advertisements. I would spend all of my time wanting things.

Author: Archibishop of Canterbury

Quote: Advertising is the very essence of democracy.

Author: Bruce Barton 1886-1967, American Author, Advertising Executive

Quote: Watteau is no less an artist for having painted a fascia board while Sainsbury's is no less effective a business for producing advertisements which entertain and educate instead of condescending and exploiting.

Author: Stephen Bayley 1951-, British Design Critic

Quote: Telling lies does not work in advertising.

Author: Tim Bell British Publicity Expert

Quote: In advertising, not to be different is virtual suicide.

Author: William Bernbach 1911-1982, American Advertising Executive

Quote: We read advertisements to discover and enlarge our desires. We are always ready -- even eager -- to discover, from the announcement of a new product, what we have all along wanted without really knowing it.

Author: Daniel J. Boorstin 1914-, American Historian

Quote: If you are writing about baloney, don't try and make it Cornish hen, because that's the worst kind of baloney there is. Just make it darn good baloney.

Author: Leo Burnett American Marketing Expert

Quote: I've learned any fool can write a bad ad, but it takes a real genius to keep his hands off a good one.

Author: Leo Burnett American Marketing Expert

Quote: Make it simple. Make it memorable. Make it inviting to look at. Make it fun to read.

Author: Leo Burnett American Marketing Expert

Quote: It is pretty obvious that the debasement of the human mind caused by a constant flow of fraudulent advertising is no trivial thing. There is more than one way to conquer a country.

Author: Raymond Chandler 1888-1959, American Author

Quote: Sanely applied advertising could remake the world.

Author: Stuart Chase 1888-1985, American Writer

Quote: The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

Author: Bill Cosby 1937-, American Actor, Comedian, Producer

Quote: Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

Author: Jerry Della Femina American Advertising Executive

Quote: You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.

Author: Norman Douglas 1868-1952, British Author

Quote: The aim of marketing is to know and understand the customer so well the product or service fits him and sells itself.

Author: Peter F. Drucker 1909-, American Management Consultant, Author

Quote: The more facts you tell, the more you sell. An advertisement's chance for success invariably increases as the number of pertinent merchandise facts included in the ad increases.

Author: Dr. Charles Edwards

Quote: 'Be comfortable with who you are', reads the headline on the Hush Puppies poster. Are they mad? If people were comfortable with who they were, they'd never buy any products except the ones they needed, and then where would the advertising industry be?

Author: Mark Edwards British Journalist

Quote: We grew up founding our dreams on the infinite promise of American advertising. I still believe that one can learn to play the piano by mail and that mud will give you a perfect complexion.

Author: Zelda Fitzgerald 1900-1948, American Writer

Quote: How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries.

Author: James French

Quote: That's the kind of ad I like, facts, facts, facts.

Author: Samuel Goldwyn 1882-1974, American Film Producer, Founder, MGM

Quote: No agency is better than its account executives.

Author: Morris Hite

Quote: The headline is the most important element of an ad. It must offer a promise to the reader of a believable benefit. And it must be phrased in a way to make it memorable.

Author: Morris Hite

Quote: Several years before birth, advertise for a couple of parents belonging to long-lived families.

Author: Oliver Wendell Holmes 1809-1894, American Author, Wit, Poet

Quote: The right name is an advertisement in itself.

Author: Claude Hopkins

Quote: I have discovered the most exciting, the most arduous literary form of all, the most difficult to master, the most pregnant in curious possibilities. I mean the advertisement. It is far easier to write ten passably effective Sonnets, good enough to take in the not too inquiring critic, than one effective advertisement that will take in a few thousand of the uncritical buying public.

Author: Aldous Huxley 1894-1963, British Author

Quote: Promise, large promise, is the soul of an advertisement.

Author: Samuel Johnson 1709-1784, British Author

Quote: The trade of advertising is now so near perfection that it is not easy to propose any improvement. But as every art ought to be exercised in due subordination to the public good, I cannot but propose it as a moral question to these masters of the public ear, whether they do not sometimes play too wantonly with our passions.

Author: Samuel Johnson 1709-1784, British Author

Quote: Society drives people crazy with lust and calls it advertising.

Author: John Lahr

Quote: Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

Author: Stephen B. Leacock 1869-1944, Canadian Humorist, Economist

Quote: If you don't believe in your product, of if you're not consistent and regular in the way you promote it, the odds of succeeding go way down. The primary function of the marketing plan is to ensure that you have the resources and the wherewithal to do what it takes to make your product work.

Author: Jay Levinson American Advertising Expert, Author

Quote: In order to sell a product or a service, a company must establish a relationship with the consumer. It must build trust and rapport. It must understand the customer's needs, and it must provide a product that delivers the promised benefits.

Author: Jay Levinson American Advertising Expert, Author

Quote: Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

Author: Sinclair Lewis 1885-1951, First American Novelist to win the Nobel Prize for literature

Quote: The art of advertisement, after the American manner, has introduced into all our life such a lavish use of superlatives, that no standard of value whatever is intact.

Author: Wyndham Lewis 1882-1957, British Author, Painter

Quote: Advertising is the greatest art form of the twentieth century.

Author: Marshall Mcluhan 1911-1980, Canadian Communications Theorist

Quote: Ideally, advertising aims at the goal of a programmed harmony among all human impulses and aspirations and endeavors. Using handicraft methods, it stretches out toward the ultimate electronic goal of a collective consciousness.

Author: Marshall Mcluhan 1911-1980, Canadian Communications Theorist

Quote: The modern little red riding hood, reared on singing commercials, has no objections to being eaten by the wolf.

Author: Marshall Mcluhan 1911-1980, Canadian Communications Theorist

Quote: Good wine needs no bush, and perhaps products that people really want need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot.

Author: Ogden Nash 1902-1971, American Humorous Poet

Quote: What you say in advertising is more important than how you say it.

Author: David Ogilvy 1911-, American Businessman, Advertising Expert

Quote: Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.

Author: Laurence J. Peter

Quote: Remove advertising, disable a person or firm from proclaiming its wares and their merits, and the whole of society and of the economy is transformed. The enemies of advertising are the enemies of freedom.

Author: John Enoch Powell 1912-, British statesman,

Quote: One ad is worth more to a paper than forty editorials.

Author: Will Rogers 1879-1935, American Humorist, Actor

Quote: Advertising is the modern substitute for argument; its function is to make the worse appear the better.

Author: George Santayana 1863-1952, American Philosopher, Poet

Quote: Advertising is a racket, like the movies and the brokerage business. You cannot be honest without admitting that its constructive contribution to humanity is exactly minus zero.

Author: Source Unknown

Quote: However far your travels take you, you will never find the girl who smiles out at you from the travel brochure.

Author: Source Unknown

Quote: Advertising is legalized lying.

Author: H.G. Wells 1866-1946, British-born American Author

Quote: Advertisers are the interpreters of our dreams -- Joseph interpreting for Pharaoh. Like the movies, they infect the routine futility of our days with purposeful adventure. Their weapons are our weaknesses: fear, ambition, illness, pride, selfishness, desire, ignorance. And these weapons must be kept as bright as a sword.

Author: E(lwyn) B(rooks) White 1899-1985, American Author, Editor

Quote: Advertising is the genie which is transforming America into a place of comfort, luxury and ease for millions.

Author: William Allen White 1868-1944, American Editor, Writer

 

[JackLuis]

I finally got a lead on a tube of Our President at the White House Correspondents Dinner. He killed a few golden geese, (You should see the size of his Gun!)
Michell would have taken The $100 million that Adelson spent on negative ads, and he was his charming self. (CSpan)


On the link Also:

Following is Conan O'Brian, Coco to some, nailed a few skins on the wall as well.

Conan was his usual abrasive self and showed some balls to skewer the major game he was targeting. He's a ballsy guy.

For just the sheer theater of our Nations Capital and the performances it's worth a view. You Brits may not catch some of it, but Who doesn't love an Irishman?

Lovely use of sarcasm, humility and the opportunity for freedom that the WHCD podium represents! I love good acting.

 

[DG Hear]

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

--------------------------

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

 

[Dianthus]

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips.
'Are you the friar?' he asks.
'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

 

[DG Hear]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"

 

[DG Hear]

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 feet 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 feet 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

 

[Handley_Page]

"Honey, I'm home", he called out as he closed the door. Then he saw her tinkering with her little computer. "What you up to?" he asked.

She looked up, smiled and said "Just surfing the celebrity website. There's a report that Kim Kardashian is scared of Bees"

He looked at his lady, smiled and said "I'm sure the rest of the alphabet frightens her too."

 

[Handley_Page]

Management Speak: That's very interesting.
Translation: I disagree.

Management Speak: I don't disagree.
Translation: I disagree.

Management Speak: I don't totally disagree with you.
Translation: You may be right, but I don't care.

Management Speak: You have to show some flexibility.
Translation: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

Management Speak: We have an opportunity.
Translation: You have a problem.

Management Speak: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
Translation: This is awful.

Management Speak: In a perfect world.
Translation: Just get it working and get it out the door.

Management Speak: Help me to understand.
Translation: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

Management Speak: You just don't understand our business.
Translation: We don't understand our business.

Management Speak: You need to see the big picture.
Translation: My boss thinks it's a good idea.

Management Speak: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open.
Translation: &%^$ you.

Management Speak: I appreciate your contribution.
Translation: @#%* you!

Management Speak: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
Translation: We're going to do it my way.

Management Speak: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
Translation: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

Management Speak: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing.
Translation: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

Management Speak: We have to leverage our resources.
Translation: You're working weekends.

Management Speak: Individual contributor.
Translation: Employee who does real work.

Management Speak: Your project is on hold.
Translation: We've put a bullet in it.

Management Speak: Wrong answer.
Translation: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

Management Speak: You needed to be more proactive.
Translation: You should have protected me from myself.

Management Speak: I'd like your buy-in on this.
Translation: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

Management Speak: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
Translation: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

Management Speak: We need to syndicate this decision.
Translation: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

Management Speak: We have to put on our marketing hats.
Translation: We have to put ethics aside.

Management Speak: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
Translation: I don't know how to do it.

Management Speak: It's a no-brainer.
Translation: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

Management Speak: I'm glad you asked me that.
Translation: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

Management Speak: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
Translation: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

Management Speak: There are larger issues at stake.
Translation: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

Management Speak: I'll never lie to you.
Translation: The truth will change frequently.

Management Speak: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
Translation: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

Management Speak: Value-added.
Translation: Expensive.

Management Speak: Human Resources.
Translation: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

Management Speak: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.
Translation: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

 

[DG Hear]

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

 

[DG Hear]

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 

[Handley_Page]

Scientific Quiz for Men

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness


Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter.
As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:

Present it to the president of the United States.

Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.

Take it apart.



As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

Innocence.

Idealism.

Cherry bombs.



When is it okay to kiss another male?

When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)

When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.



What about hugging another male?

If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")

If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.



Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.

...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.

...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.



In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A cat.

A dog.

A dog that eats cats.



You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.

That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready any time soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.



Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

Tell her what?



One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

"Do they need to eat or anything?"

"They're in school already?"

"There are three of them?"



When is it o.k. to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear.



A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife --

is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of.

because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

because guys need to make sure nothing 'important' gets inadvertantly tossed out.



What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

He was being tested.

He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.

He refused to ask directions.



What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

Democracy.

Religion.

Remote control.



How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c."

A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.
In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.