Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

Bubba pulls up at the lights next to a lovely blonde girl, he smiles and lowers his window.

She smiles back and lowers her window, so Bubba leans across and says ...

"Have you just farted as well ?!!!"

 

[DG Hear]

Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?

The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A priest and rabbi were great friends and would get together for lunch every Wednesday for years. One day at lunch, their server was a young man. Unable to keep his perversion to himself, the priest leaned over and whispered to the rabbi, "Damn, I'd like to fuck that young man."

The rabbi gave the priest a confused look and asked, "Out of what?"

 

[Handley_Page]

The Interview was going well, and the young lady candidate looked at the woman who would be her Boss:

"You're an intelligent and successful woman - "

"Thank you"

" - so why the dumb blonde act when you are round your boyfriend?"

"How else can a relationship work if the two people aren't on the same level?"

 

[Handley_Page]

I ordered a sex-toy off the Internet, custom made scale model of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window waiting for my postman.

After what felt like forever, he came struggling down the path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and blowing around in the breeze, I thought they would've at least wrapped it.

 

[johneb87]

Just for you Naoko.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/968967_520797937967753_1599275060_n.jpg

 

[Handley_Page]

Did You Ever Wonder Why...

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

 

[Handley_Page]

Dear Deirdre,

My boyfriend is a right arse!

He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex.
I didn't believe him but after some persuasion he talked me into it and I let him stick his enormous cock into my tiny little bum.

He shagged me really hard for some considerable time which left me sore for a couple of days.

He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.

What should I do?

Sharon of Essex

 

[Handley_Page]

Two girls at adjacent desks.
1: "You look completely exhausted. Long night?"
2: "You could say that. I had a bit of rough sex with my husband last night.
I kept the lights on and opened my eyes."

 

[DG Hear]

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

 

[DG Hear]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

 

[DG Hear]

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115" she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Little Johnny walks in on his parents in the middle of the act. They're doing it Missionary style, so he doesn't see much. Worried they scared their boy, Dad gets dressed and tries to explain, "We were trying to make you a little brother or sister."

"Well do her doggie style, Dad. I'd rather have a puppy!"

 

[NaokoSmith]

(At least John's was clean! I shan't admit which of the others I ROFLMAO at. )

 

[DG Hear]

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

 

[DG Hear]

Yo momma is so fat, when she jumped in the ocean the Whales started singing "We are family ..."


Yo momma is so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.


A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

 

[johneb87]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/946890_607075189313496_220668996_n.jpg

 

[Handley_Page]

A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.



Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

empty, and so is your head.



Of loving beauty you float with grace.

If only you could hide your face.



Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.

This describes everything you are not.



I want to feel your sweet embrace,

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.



I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you really screwed up my life.



I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.



My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?



My feelings for you no words can tell

Except for maybe "Oh! Go To Hell."


Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.



What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[DG Hear]

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

----------------

Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

[mortis]

Why did the Jedi buy an Iphone?

Because he could not find the droid he was looking for.

 

[Handley_Page]

Susy & Iris are in the Gym.

Iris: "Oh, I do like men with big biceps."
Susy: "I prefer mine like Jesus."
Iris: "Tall, skinny and unshaven?"
Susy: "No. Gone for three days after I nail him."

 

[Handley_Page]

What type of group would cause a load of Zombies to run away?
A group of Necrophiliacs.

 

[Handley_Page]

Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around;
and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.

 

[Sebastian_Plz]

Love this thread...always makes me find at least one, if not many many more, solid laugh...and sometimes that's all the day needs.

Thanks for the contributions guys/gals def, keep up the great comedy!

 

[Handley_Page]

Two guys at their adjacent desks. One is on the 'phone:

"Yes".
there's a pause and then:
"Yes".
there's a longer pause and then:
"Yes; OK Bye!"

The other looks at him and say "Damn, that was a long call"

"Yeah, it was my new girlfriend; She had a lovely talk."