How to date a single mom?

So the unimaginable has happened to me, I have fallen in love with a single mom...... After being in the dating game for over a year since my last relationship I have found myself in a situation which I never imagined myself being in, the challenge of dating the elusive milf.....a little about myself, I'm twenty five, college graduate, typical post college guy trying to survive in this crazy world. I never really imagined myself dating a single mom but always kept it open as sometimes they are more mature, looking for a more serious relationship and often have there lives somewhat more together, obvisouly really just comes down to the person though.

So the challenge is this, we live about two hours apart, she is going through a custody battle right now, I'd imagine she will win based on who she has shown me she is so far and who she claims the dad to be, but I only really know her said but have no reason not to believe her. She's really successful in my eyes, good paying job, owns her own house, nice car already paid off, totally the type of girl I would go for or any gut should go for! The problem is she doesn't know when she wants to introduce me to the child, is afraid of what will happen after her ex finds out about her being in a relationship, (she said he beat up a guy she was kind of seeing, and I've never thrown a punch), she is going through a fight in court over custody, and I really have this feeling she doesn't want anybody to know.

Overall a really awesome girl, I just never imagined I'd find myself in love with a single mom even though I kept the chance for it open. Being a guy with no kids and honestly am very much on the fence about having any I've found myself in this situation with really no idea how to handle things. She herself has said she wouldn't date a guy with kids which to Mr is equal to saying she wouldn't date herself.

My questions are what's a respectable amount of time till she should introduce me to her child? How patient should I be? What role is acceptable to play in the child's life? How much should she tell me about what's going on with the custody battle? Is it acceptable that she really doesn't want anybody besides her super close friends to know about us? What's everybody else's experiences with dating a single mom while your childless? Any tips would rock and thank you to everybody very much for ideas and suggestions! Have a great weekend!

I don't think there's any "acceptable" time frame for being introduced to a partner's child; just let her do what she thinks is right for her child. I dated my now-husband for two months before introducing him to my girls, who were three and one at the time. He pretty much jumped into the stepdad role and has basically raised my girls (plus we went on to have two children together).

Make sure you're ready for this much drama in your life...you won't believe how stressful it can be.

Thanks for the replies so far!

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You might want to back off this one. No matter how discreet you try to be, you could find yourself drug into the middle of a custody suit. Often children have their own attorney assigned by the court, (guardian ad litem), and in the interest of the child, they can get very nosy and very nasty. (In the interest of the child, they have almost unlimited investigative power) And to make it worse, when a woman is in the middle of a custody suit, she usually isn't thinking very clearly about her personal life. And when this is over, (and the dust settles), she may move on with her life without you. You could easily become the only loser in all this.

to the OP - if it is feeling good then continue.

Forget the "I want a relationship" until she is well over the custody case. That may take much longer than your 25 years would wish for. Be a friend and expect no more for the short while or even a long while. Of course the friendship may have benefits.

Her priority is not you. Respect where she needs to direct her energies.

been there

A couple of points from an OLD guy whose been over the hills a couple of times. First, there is nothing about having a child that makes an immature person mature. It is, in my mind a strike against her that she choose a bum and had a child by him. Those who choose bums, often choose them a second time. Look at yourself.
There is not "time" that is "right" for her to introduce you to the child. From the sounds of it, it might be dangerous for you to become known as her significant other. It IS a jungle out there and he is a nut job. Other than the question of getting harmed by the nut and the ability of the mother to handle life, there is nothing whatever to keep the mother from introducing you to the child.
At the very best, you have the opportunity to become an ersatz father to the child because every child needs a "dad" real or fake. However, having said that, the road to peace and tranquility and a meaningful relationship with the child can be very difficult. It depends on your relationship with the mother, whether she is willing and able to allow joint parenting with you and, most of all, your attitude toward the child.
PM me if you want more.

Hey, dirtyhat.

Here my take as a grandad whose daughter is a single mum.

Sounds to me like this is a good one to go with step by step. You've got real affection for her. Sounds like she has a great deal to offer in life and in relationship but happened upon the wrong guy as many a woman has. Being around the right kind of guy while she sorts through the mess of that may be a huge empowerment for her.

So, you:

Are you willing to take this a step at a time and trust her to know when it will be good to take next steps - like introducing you to her child and telling others? I do think she needs that right, and she will be the judge of that timing, not you.

Are you willing to risk the possibility that this relationship may be profoundly good for her in the present and near future but not be her longer term future? I feel like she can't know that just now and that you can't expect her to know that just now. So heartbreak is just possible.

But you will in due course be in that court too: When you meet her child, and when you begin to know whether there can be a lovely and indeed loving relationship between you and her child - or not, at which point you could be the one who needs to say, "It has been so good, but it needs to end here."

Sometimes, the very best things in life are a risky adventure. You will know whether you have it within yourself to step up to those possibilities.

I wish you well, pal. If there are any responses on this thread which really chime with you, remember pm as well as open conversation; both might help you.

Simon

Thanks to even more replies! Greatly appreciated!

To follow up on things, she was never married, but was engaged to the guy, I really honestly don't know the true details of what happened, just that each other changed and it ended. I'm not really totally interested in what happened as she doesn't seem to be physically or emotionally abused but she may be really good at hiding it, I just have a gut feeling that's not what it was, it was just a rushed engagement, she said yes under pressure and called it off shortly after. To throw another twist into this, her dad has been divorced three times and I believe her mom has been hurt really bad, she's super close to her mom and holds some hate against her dad which is understandable. She has made it very clear she doesn't believe in divorce which is attractive, but I've often heard this line before........

As far as the dad, she had a restraining order against him, he never violated it so it expired and she claims to not be able to get another. I honestly have no idea if she could or not. She claims the reason for the problems are because he still loves
her, i remember my first love too, four years, obvisouly still some sort of connection there, I understand him still loving her. She says things have calmed down allot after the restraining order but hey, here I am.....

As far as the child, it's at the point where the parents are just fighting, lawyers are collecting money and the child is being forgotten. She's a great mom, extremely hard working, but has dropped $3500 dollars on a lawyer in a short time period which could have gone to the child if these two could get along. It's the typical, he said, she said, court battle..... I understand her being scared of losing the child, but in reality she stepped up to the plate and I couldn't see her losing anymore time than what she has now if for nothing else she has a job and he's struggling with having a job..... He doesn't seem to be too bad of a parent, her only complaints is he is unreliable and smokes in front of the child, otherwise he calls each night he doesn't have him to say goodnight, etc. I just think if they would talk and realize the child is the ultimate prize, things would be allot easier. I also wish I was rich so! BTW he doesn't pay child support, but it's hard to get money out of an empty piggy bank.... The real truth is I don't know much and am mainly analyzing things on what I see.

Patience sucks for me, but I'm trying!

As far as how she got pregnant, she claims she started taking a pill which interfered with her birth control and it canceled it out, and bam, she was having a baby. Honestly, this could happen to any of us, she stepped up and became a mom, I have nothing but respect for that.

Usually all single moms have given me a reason not to date them, as have non-moms too, and she hasn't yet, which is rare in today's world. She's been honest, upfront, and pretty amazing so far! I appreciate everybody's feedback, thank you very much!

- An engagement that she felt pressured into, but she also doesn't believe in divorce?

- Possibility of physical or emotional abuse?

- A family history of failed relationships?

- A restraining order against her father?

- Unreliable father of her child who doesn't pay child support?

- Sketchy claim of how she got pregnant? (I obviously have no idea how birth control works, but her explanation sounds strange to me)

I've tried dating single Moms before, so I would tread EXTREMELY lightly here dude. She's probably worked extra hard to look like she has her stuff together around you because she recognizes what a great guy you are, and you come across as the opposite of the douchebags she was probably attracted to in her past. I definitely agree with Harold_Hill. Don't get yourself wrapped up to where you might end up on the hook for ANYTHING. The child is not your responsibility, and it is not your responsibility to take care of this woman.

You're still young dude. Enjoy your bachelorhood and being single. Don't rush into anything.

Somoney, I extremely get where your coming from, that's why I'm on here seeking advice, I don't really have friends who are single parents and this is extremely new to me.

I love thinking and often over think personal situations, and I enjoy research, there's not much out there about dating single moms, it's kind of the forbidden tale, totally hot to efff, totally not hot to date......

Just to clear something up, the restraining order was against the child's father, not her father. As for her father, I really think he is involved in her life just to write checks, I think that's how he wants to be involved and she's fine with that. Just a suspicious feeling I have. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, just has made mistakes and she doesn't approve of.

As for me, she's straight up said she doesn't think she deserves me, I have a college degree, getting my masters fairly soon, don't drink or do drugs, etc. I have my downfalls but am proud of who I am.

The thing here is she has had a steady, well paying job for six years now, paid off nice car, house, etc. Something's fit the stereotype of a single mom and some don't.

Why would anyone want a single parent? I don't get it.

dirtyhat said:

The thing here is she has had a steady, well paying job for six years now, paid off nice car, house, etc. Something's fit the stereotype of a single mom and some don't.

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Oh, do tell.

dirtyhat said:

Just to clear something up, the restraining order was against the child's father, not her father. As for her father, I really think he is involved in her life just to write checks, I think that's how he wants to be involved and she's fine with that. Just a suspicious feeling I have. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, just has made mistakes and she doesn't approve of.

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Well, that kind of makes it worse. You sound like a smart dude and if you're getting your Masters, then you obviously are. I'm sure you're not going to make any rash decisions and jump into anything without thinking it through.

She may appear on the surface that she has her stuff together when it comes to her professional life and taking care of her child. But personally, she sounds like a hot mess. Don't pay any attention to her saying "she doesn't deserve you," etc. That's just misdirection. In fact, the fact she is saying that is a bit of a red flag to me too. It shows she's insecure and is looking for validation of herself from others.

If I were you, I would pump the brakes as far as pursuing any kind of relationship. You can be there for her and support her as a friend. But until she shows that she has a better handle on her personal life, that's as far as I'd go. Good luck.

Eilan said:

Oh, do tell.

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*grabs the popcorn, sits back, and waits for Eilan to unleash hell*

Sorry if I missed it earlier in the thread, but how long have you been seeing her?

There is an old saying: "A man can dig his grave faster with his dick than he can with a pick." Lotsa' red flags here! She says: "She doesn't deserve you!" Maybe she's right, maybe you should listen to her advice.

Also, she gave you some lame excuse as to how she got pregnant. Why does she feel it necessary to explain how/why she got pregnant? It's a fact, women get pregnant, and it normally doesn't require an explanation. Keep poking your dick in this woman, and you could end up paying child yourself.

And what about the child's father? Why is there a restraining order? ("She said he beat up a guy she was kind of seeing, and I've never thrown a punch") "She was kind of seeing?" Is this just some guy who is upset over a breakup, or is this some thug who refuses to give up the woman he sees as his property? Ask yourself: are you willing to take a beating for this woman? Or worse, a bullet? Think these things won't happen to you? Read the news, these things happen!

You are too young to be taking on someone else's baggage. Find a woman who has her act together and make your own baggage.

dirtyhat said:

The thing here is she has had a steady, well paying job for six years now, paid off nice car, house, etc. Something's fit the stereotype of a single mom and some don't.

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Paid off her house and car in 6 years? Are you sure about that? Not many people can pay off a house in 6 years, especially a woman, since statically women make 70% of what men make.

I've just recently started seeing her, about a month, not Facebook official yet......

I'll Just Say Good Luck Since I Have No Dating advice

Clearly you are struggling with this... that might be sign number one.

Truth is, we can tell you anything. But you are likely to do what you will do regardless. That being said, sounds like you are trying to go into it with eyes wide open, so good for you.

I will tell you my experience: My now wife and I both divorced our exes at the same time. She had kids, I didn't. We were long-time friends and there were some similarities in what you have described. I have known her for a LONG time, and her kids- but she told me once (after we started 'dating') that had we not been friends previously, there would have been no way I would be allowed to meet her kids for quite a long time.

I am not going to lie- there was a LOT of drama with her ex. For me, the woman is worth it. But I am older, and I have been friends with her for decades. Had it been ANY other woman, it would not have been.

Just know that if you continue- it will be hard somedays. REALLY hard. And you will wind up in the middle of stuff that you never thought about. And left watching other things that you want to help with, but can't. Other days, it will be amazing. Only you can decide if she's worth getting through that first part.

(For me, It seems that after about a year, the drama has died off significantly, BTW. but that is AFTER the divorce was finalized and custody battle over.)

Harold, she just recently bought a house, not paid off at all! Her dad owns multiple properties and she took over the payments on one of them. Not this heroic independent story, major help from her dad obvisouly on it but still has a house if her own nonetheless. Something anybody should be proud of in my opinion.

This relationship is really something I'm scared of obvisouly for reasons I've mentioned here, still excited though too for reasons I've mentioned. Defiantly trying to look at everything from all sides.

Harold_Hill said:

Also, she gave you some lame excuse as to how she got pregnant. Why does she feel it necessary to explain how/why she got pregnant?

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It's medical fact that there ARE medications that will interfere with birth control, so no, that hardly constitutes a lame ass excuse.

Obviously, we don't have all the details (haven't we been down this road before), but it sounds like she's trying to be as up front with him as possible. There's a very real possibility she is truly interested in him as a person, and she could be concerned about being viewed as promiscuous. Lord knows there's still a shit ton of societal negativity regarding women's sexuality and their right to exercise it as they see fit.

Is she being truthful, or is she just leading him a merry dance? Insufficient information, and only the OP can make that call. I do commend him though, for trying to view this from all angles.