COVID-19 RESOURCES
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Question on a Married woman seeing a Dom

F

funmauijolie

Virgin
Joined
Aug 9, 2016
Posts
4
Aloha,
I am in what I think is a unique situation and was wanting to get peoples thoughts or even interact with people in similar situations.

My Husband and I are happily married, with a great sex life. We have experience with swinging as a couple as well as separately. We attended a dungeon party a couple of years ago. We were both very intrigued about everything we learned about. We had occasionally did some role play in the past. Never really took it to the extreme, sometimes it even made us laugh when we played roles (laugh in a fun good way).

Here is the thing. When my husband tries to be dominant it is hot. However, because we know so much about each other, and share so much, we both agree it always falls short. We have tried switching in both directions and still it falls short. In our regular life we show so much honor and respect to each other. We also are the type of couple that laughs together several hours a day. So the role play although ok, is always just role play, and neither of us can get lost in the part we are playing. Has anyone else experienced this.

On another note, we have agreed on me seeking out a Dom so that I can experience my submissive side in a situation where I will truly be a sub. I have found a Dom that this is working with. My husband is totally OK with this. We dont have jealousy and this has actually made the two of us even more sexual then we were before. My Dom also know that husband is my partner and the love of my life and he has a good way of respecting this without acting like a pushover. My husband is also terrific in the sense, that he understands that if my Dom needs my services, I will need to be there. If my Dom tells me I need to refrain from Sex, then I will need to do so. Whatever it may be, my husband finds a way to let me know that he is OK with it and happy I am getting this need fulfilled. My husband has always been into the 'Hotwife' lifestyle so this actually fulfills that desire in him. He has never been into humiliation cuckold, and my Dom is not one to act that way.

Any thoughts, any comments positive or negative.

Just want some feedback on this.

Warmest Aloha Jolie
 
However, because we know so much about each other, and share so much, we both agree it always falls short. We have tried switching in both directions and still it falls short. In our regular life we show so much honor and respect to each other. We also are the type of couple that laughs together several hours a day.

<snip>

Any thoughts, any comments positive or negative.
Click to expand...

I have never understood this disconnect. It's incredibly common, but I just don't get it. His humanity (stress at work, juggling schedules, needing an evening watching movies instead of sex, dealing with the flu, etc) doesn't interfere with my decision to submit unless I let it.

Similarly, the fact that I have a career, mortgage payments, and have to do a hell of a lot of Adulting in my day to day life, doesn't interfere with his decision to be in charge (to the degree he wants to) unless his lets it.
 
Last edited:
As long as everyone involved continues to be involved with transparent communication, it sounds like a good arrangement. It can be difficult to keep up the 'mysterious, all powerful Dom' image after a few years of living together and if jealousy continues to keep out of things then this could be a healthy outlet.

What I would do personally is make sure you continue to reassure your husband that he is the priority, not your dom. This can either be through words or actions - you never want him to feel like he wasn't good enough or that he's in competition with your dom at all! At first it can be easy to say you're okay with the idea of it, but in practice and over time things can be different. Do regular check-ins, keep him in the loop, and keep your own sex life active and personal. It might also sound unrelated, but picking up a new mutual hobby to bond over and also help ward off any unwanted feelings of being pushed aside.

That's the only advice I can think of though :) Best of luck and I hope it all turns out as well as you hope, for both you and your partner(s)!
 
CutieMouse said:
I have never understood this disconnect. It's incredibly common, but I just don't get it. His humanity (stress at work, juggling schedules, needing an evening watching movies instead of sex, dealing with the flu, etc) doesn't interfere with my decision to submit unless I let it.

Similarly, the fact that I have a career, mortgage payments, and have to do a hell of a lot of Adulting in my day to day life, doesn't interfere with his decision to be in charge (to the degree he wants to) unless his lets it.
Click to expand...

Cutie Mouse,
I understand what you are saying. But That is not what I explained. I never said it was the stress of life that makes us not able to connect this way. Just the opposite, its the joy and laughter, and the knowing each other inside and out that does. We role play, and somehow it turns into laughter, or comedy. Don't get me wrong, I love this about our marriage, but it can ruin a serious BDSM moment..LOL.
But for me, submitting to someone who I am not joined at the hip with comes much more natural.
 
I'm not sure what you're asking us to comment on other than your arrangement sounds awesome.

You're doing it in an honest, open way. It's made your sex life with the husband better. You're exploring something you both seem to want.

What's not to love about this?

The one thing I question is what you see as submission. If you're having fun, kinky sex... great. If, at some point, you're "in service" to your Dominant where he's setting rules for you, (ie, telling you what to wear, when to cum, when to masturbate, having to ask permission for things are some basics) and it begins to interfere with your super fun relationship with your husband... you need to make sure everyone's on the same page.

I think I'm restating what Aluris said... open communication, making sure your husband understands what it is you do with the Dom, never letting this relationship interfere with your marriage.

Good luck!
 
funmauijolie said:
Cutie Mouse,
I understand what you are saying. But That is not what I explained. I never said it was the stress of life that makes us not able to connect this way. Just the opposite, its the joy and laughter, and the knowing each other inside and out that does. We role play, and somehow it turns into laughter, or comedy. Don't get me wrong, I love this about our marriage, but it can ruin a serious BDSM moment..LOL.
But for me, submitting to someone who I am not joined at the hip with comes much more natural.
Click to expand...

I understand that's what your experience is, I simply don't understand it.

The bolded bit was what I was trying to express in my post. The more we learn about one another (good and bad), the more comfortable we are, the more we joke and tease and accept one another, the more of our lives we share - the easier the D/s gets. That's my experience, which is why I have never understood how "being too close screws up the BDSM stuff".

The funny stuff doesn't get in the way, here (because, funny); the day to day Adulting doesn't get in the way (because it has to be done).

However, I don't incorporate "role play" into my relationships. If I had to pretend to be a naughty girl to get a spanking,be "kept after class" for "tutoring" I'd probably bust out laughing too. But (thankfully) that's not how my relationships work. If I need X, I simply ask. If he wants Y, he simply tells me. Maybe it's a philosophical difference that makes it more difficult for me to understand why it's an issue.
 
That is a fair point ^^^^ and one I have to agree with. My best submissive experiences came from a trusting, committed relationship. They weren't singular "play" experiences but rather, moments within the relationship with someone I loved, trusted, respected, laughed and cried with.

He knew my secrets, what made me wet, what buttons to push. I wanted to serve him, I wanted to give up control to him.

This wasn't always sexual fun. Many times it was mundane stuff like going to the grocery store with a list of dinners I really didn't want to make but that's what he decided.

Honestly - you guys seem to be having a great time. Don't overthink this.
 
funmauijolie said:
Aloha,
I am in what I think is a unique situation and was wanting to get peoples thoughts or even interact with people in similar situations.

My Husband and I are happily married, with a great sex life. We have experience with swinging as a couple as well as separately. We attended a dungeon party a couple of years ago. We were both very intrigued about everything we learned about. We had occasionally did some role play in the past. Never really took it to the extreme, sometimes it even made us laugh when we played roles (laugh in a fun good way).

Here is the thing. When my husband tries to be dominant it is hot. However, because we know so much about each other, and share so much, we both agree it always falls short. We have tried switching in both directions and still it falls short. In our regular life we show so much honor and respect to each other. We also are the type of couple that laughs together several hours a day. So the role play although ok, is always just role play, and neither of us can get lost in the part we are playing. Has anyone else experienced this.

On another note, we have agreed on me seeking out a Dom so that I can experience my submissive side in a situation where I will truly be a sub. I have found a Dom that this is working with. My husband is totally OK with this. We dont have jealousy and this has actually made the two of us even more sexual then we were before. My Dom also know that husband is my partner and the love of my life and he has a good way of respecting this without acting like a pushover. My husband is also terrific in the sense, that he understands that if my Dom needs my services, I will need to be there. If my Dom tells me I need to refrain from Sex, then I will need to do so. Whatever it may be, my husband finds a way to let me know that he is OK with it and happy I am getting this need fulfilled. My husband has always been into the 'Hotwife' lifestyle so this actually fulfills that desire in him. He has never been into humiliation cuckold, and my Dom is not one to act that way.

Any thoughts, any comments positive or negative.

Just want some feedback on this.

Warmest Aloha Jolie
Click to expand...

In regards to the bolded paragraph, yes. I have experienced this. Most of my sexual partners have brought out either my dominant or my submissive side. Some partners bring out both. But occasionally I find that neither side feels right with a partner. In these instances I have occasionally tried role play, as you have, but it just doesn't always work. It sounds as though your dynamics may not be in balance for one of you to actually be dominant. I understand how respect and friendship and closeness can get in the way of this. You can't take the other person seriously in their dominant role, and because there is no fear of hurting the other person's feelings (or fear of reprisal) it leaves you free to giggle instead of follow commands. Conversely, the "dominant" partner can't always get behind their actions or their commands, can't always sell it 100 percent. Because it's not really there. Just because you want a power exchange in your relationship doesn't mean that you can execute one.

I like your solution, it's super healthy. Get your power exchange needs met somewhere safe, from someone that is respectful of your marriage. Perhaps with practice you might be able to achieve it at home, but you might have to lay down consequences for not taking the dominant partner seriously, and the dominant partner would have to be willing to deal them out. Baby steps might get you there if you care to keep trying.

Good luck and happiness to you :)
 
funmauijolie said:
Aloha,
I am in what I think is a unique situation and was wanting to get peoples thoughts or even interact with people in similar situations.

My Husband and I are happily married, with a great sex life. We have experience with swinging as a couple as well as separately. We attended a dungeon party a couple of years ago. We were both very intrigued about everything we learned about. We had occasionally did some role play in the past. Never really took it to the extreme, sometimes it even made us laugh when we played roles (laugh in a fun good way).

Here is the thing. When my husband tries to be dominant it is hot. However, because we know so much about each other, and share so much, we both agree it always falls short. We have tried switching in both directions and still it falls short. In our regular life we show so much honor and respect to each other. We also are the type of couple that laughs together several hours a day. So the role play although ok, is always just role play, and neither of us can get lost in the part we are playing. Has anyone else experienced this.

On another note, we have agreed on me seeking out a Dom so that I can experience my submissive side in a situation where I will truly be a sub. I have found a Dom that this is working with. My husband is totally OK with this. We dont have jealousy and this has actually made the two of us even more sexual then we were before. My Dom also know that husband is my partner and the love of my life and he has a good way of respecting this without acting like a pushover. My husband is also terrific in the sense, that he understands that if my Dom needs my services, I will need to be there. If my Dom tells me I need to refrain from Sex, then I will need to do so. Whatever it may be, my husband finds a way to let me know that he is OK with it and happy I am getting this need fulfilled. My husband has always been into the 'Hotwife' lifestyle so this actually fulfills that desire in him. He has never been into humiliation cuckold, and my Dom is not one to act that way.

Any thoughts, any comments positive or negative.

Just want some feedback on this.

Warmest Aloha Jolie
Click to expand...

I can totally relate to that.
You either marry your Dom or you find one while married. You could never create one from your husband.
The fact that you communicate your fantasies in your marriage with such honestly is remarkable.
 
CutieMouse said:
I understand that's what your experience is, I simply don't understand it.
Click to expand...

CutieMouse, I do understand the OP's question.

Let me give an example to see if you can understand a bit.

Imagine a woman who has a fantasy to get railed from behind by a stranger in the book stacks of a library.

Now, A HUGE AMOUNT of that turn on has to do with anonymity. Can you see why that fantasy becomes something different if the "stranger" is her husband? See why it would be different again if it was her husband "pretending" to be a stranger (but she still knows it is her husband)?
 
Miasorrow said:
I can totally relate to that.
You either marry your Dom or you find one while married. You could never create one from your husband.
The fact that you communicate your fantasies in your marriage with such honestly is remarkable.
Click to expand...

Love this.

I also relate to Cutie.
 
hooterbif said:
CutieMouse, I do understand the OP's question.

Let me give an example to see if you can understand a bit.

Imagine a woman who has a fantasy to get railed from behind by a stranger in the book stacks of a library.

Now, A HUGE AMOUNT of that turn on has to do with anonymity. Can you see why that fantasy becomes something different if the "stranger" is her husband? See why it would be different again if it was her husband "pretending" to be a stranger (but she still knows it is her husband)?
Click to expand...

I'm not the most creative but blindfolds and written instruction has done wonders for "anonymity" when I have created the "stranger" taking your pussy mind fuck.
 
hooterbif said:
CutieMouse, I do understand the OP's question.

Let me give an example to see if you can understand a bit.

Imagine a woman who has a fantasy to get railed from behind by a stranger in the book stacks of a library.

Now, A HUGE AMOUNT of that turn on has to do with anonymity. Can you see why that fantasy becomes something different if the "stranger" is her husband? See why it would be different again if it was her husband "pretending" to be a stranger (but she still knows it is her husband)?
Click to expand...

The issue here is the stranger part. At some point your fantasy girl knows it's not a stranger. And, at some point it will stop being a turn on because of that one facet.

I think what the OP is talking about is that she has a good open relationship. She is also wondering; does her relationship fit within 'normal' parameters or is it 'weird'?

My answer is who cares!

If, taking Hooter's illustration for an example, she wants to get railed by a stranger and he's ok with it, what's not to love? Relationships bloom when both partners feed and water them. If occasionally they need a bit more attention from a different gardener, that's all good. As long as both partners are ok with that.

Having a relationship with someone who understands, loves and cherishes you is beyond priceless. Whether it is a commited relationship or an open one, being able to talk to your partner about your needs trumps everything anyone else can tell you about it.

The only caveat for the OP in this situation is that both partners MUST understand the whole dynamic. In this case, if she finds a Dom, then her partner is going to have to deal with her refusal to do some things he'd like because her Dom told her to do something else. (For example, no sex or masturbation for a week.) That could set up a conflict which needs some sort of safety net/escape clause.

The Dom also needs to understand he's not dealing with just one person, he's dealing with a pair and he has to adjust his demands to not harm the the non-player.
 
hooterbif said:
CutieMouse, I do understand the OP's question.

Let me give an example to see if you can understand a bit.

Imagine a woman who has a fantasy to get railed from behind by a stranger in the book stacks of a library.

Now, A HUGE AMOUNT of that turn on has to do with anonymity. Can you see why that fantasy becomes something different if the "stranger" is her husband? See why it would be different again if it was her husband "pretending" to be a stranger (but she still knows it is her husband)?
Click to expand...

I read it more as "everyday life" = separate from "D/s kink life". Like somehow the fact that seeing your husband goofing off playing video games or having the flu or any number of "everyday" things ruins the mystique and fantasy of what a dominant partner is. I don't look for concepts (BDSM); I look for relationships (person to share life with who includes BDSM elements).

Seperating BDSM from day to day relationships is a common viewpoint, which I simply don't understand. There is nothing wrong with someone feeling that way (preferring compartmentalization), just like there is nothing wrong with my different point of view.

As for the scenario presented -

Like I said - my relationships don't involve role playing. And my safety is far more important to me than sex with a stranger - so even if I were to act out that fantasy, it would be with someone I'd previously met, knew was STI-free, and ground rules laid out (for both our protection). Have I left the back door unlocked at a lover's request, knowing he may or may not show up in the middle of the night? Yep. Waking up at 3am to a large, overpowering man in a pitch black room (especially after taking a sleeping pill) can be a very real experience. No stranger necessary.
 
She's thinking, "What do a bunch of strangers know about how I feel." lol
 
cookiecat said:
hahahaha! That's what it comes down to, isn't it?

And yet, she asked the question!
Click to expand...

Not really a question, she posted her situation and asked for feedback.

Could be she is feeling something is off and looking for confirmation such a situation "always feels that way".

I say ANYTHING goes in the bedroom as long as all the players are good with it.
 
Aloha all who responded.
I actually was offline for a couple of days.
I truly respect all of the resonses whether or not they felt my situaiton made sense or not. I get that seperating 'normal' life from our role playing would make this more achievable but thats not us. As for strangers knowing what I feel...I defintely wanted to hear from people who do not know me and from people in a wide variety of siutations. It was not about how I feel, I really just wanted to see if people thought my situation was absurd, or if given the circumstances, they thought it made sense.

I will continue doing what it is I am doing. As one poster said..it fufills a need I have that I can not or do not want to experience in my marriage. I really enjoy my sessions with my Dom and like to experience sexual sexual submission. He also bleeds into my daily life with emails. I cant say that I am a true 24/7 submissive, but this is working for me.

Thanks for all feedback, I took a little something from each one.

Warmest Aloha
Jolie
 
funmauijolie said:
Aloha all who responded.
I actually was offline for a couple of days.
I truly respect all of the resonses whether or not they felt my situaiton made sense or not. I get that seperating 'normal' life from our role playing would make this more achievable but thats not us. As for strangers knowing what I feel...I defintely wanted to hear from people who do not know me and from people in a wide variety of siutations. It was not about how I feel, I really just wanted to see if people thought my situation was absurd, or if given the circumstances, they thought it made sense.

I will continue doing what it is I am doing. As one poster said..it fufills a need I have that I can not or do not want to experience in my marriage. I really enjoy my sessions with my Dom and like to experience sexual sexual submission. He also bleeds into my daily life with emails. I cant say that I am a true 24/7 submissive, but this is working for me.

Thanks for all feedback, I took a little something from each one.

Warmest Aloha
Jolie
Click to expand...

That exactly.
 
As a man who isnt dominate in the bedroom and whos wife would love him to be, I would be open to the idea of finding her a dom to fulfill her desires. I would even love to watch and or participate. I believe we all have fantasies and should have them fulfilled, within reason of course.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

emme8
What do you call you Dom?
Replies
23
Views
617
Swuchro
S
InCNCestBangPie
PSA 2: A Message for New Subs
2 3
Replies
59
Views
3K
OldroundmaninTx62
O
Lumiere_Amie
Should I change the category?
Replies
1
Views
113
PaxNurgle
P
emme8
Question for Cucks and the husbands of hot wives
Replies
20
Views
2K
OldGoodPup
O
emme8
It's NOvember! Who is still in the game?
Replies
1
Views
113
510mike
510mike
Back
Top