reconciling fantasy and reality

This may come off whiney, but I'm not sure how else to put it.

With my new job I'm home 3 nights a week. I worn third so I'm often ready for bed long before dinner is even done on the 2 days that I have off the night after working.

Sex has been on a steady decline lately. Not just in quantity. I knew that would happen. But the quality. She knows I'll get her off any time she asks. I love doing it for her. I just wish she'd do the same. She doesn't like the taste of cum. I get that and haven't asked her to in a very long time. Every time we have sex though she wants me to go down on her and by the time she cums I'm done. I fuck her till I nut but after burying my face in her I'm a little starved for air and can't really fuck her long enough to really enjoy it. God knows after being up for 24 plus hours I don't have the energy to go a second time and she doesn't want to cause she's already cum.

There are times I want to just take her hard and fast but it's a no go almost every time.

I've started fantasizing about someone wanting me like she used to. Throwing me on the bed. Wanting me when we can't right that minute. Not just wanting me when we're in bed and she knows I'll make her cum.

I'm guessing sitting her down and communicating this clearly hasn't worked?

How do you say our sex life isn't bad but it's not where i want it to be without it becoming a discussion about everything but the bedroom?

I've told her what I want. She hasn't given any feedback besides maybes.

Perhaps you need to try and tell her that 'maybes' don't help? Even a 'no' rather than the 'yes' you want to hear would be a lot less ambiguous.

And you say it exactly how you typed it. Specify very succinctly that everything else is *fine*, that you'd just like to work on what the issue is that you've posted about here.

According to Napoleon we all come from the factory fucked up and cant be fixed. When our shit wears out that's it.

Get someone new with different flaws.

yellowrocket said:

This may come off whiney,

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Yup and a lot more.

You make choices that have consequences yet you want to blame the person closest to you for the impact of those consequences.

Good luck holding onto that relationship.

If your job is more important than your relationship, show a bit of dignity and end the relationship gracefully and quickly.

yellowrocket said:

This may come off whiney, but I'm not sure how else to put it.

With my new job I'm home 3 nights a week. I worn third so I'm often ready for bed long before dinner is even done on the 2 days that I have off the night after working.

Sex has been on a steady decline lately. Not just in quantity. I knew that would happen. But the quality. She knows I'll get her off any time she asks. I love doing it for her. I just wish she'd do the same. She doesn't like the taste of cum. I get that and haven't asked her to in a very long time. Every time we have sex though she wants me to go down on her and by the time she cums I'm done. I fuck her till I nut but after burying my face in her I'm a little starved for air and can't really fuck her long enough to really enjoy it. God knows after being up for 24 plus hours I don't have the energy to go a second time and she doesn't want to cause she's already cum.

There are times I want to just take her hard and fast but it's a no go almost every time.

I've started fantasizing about someone wanting me like she used to. Throwing me on the bed. Wanting me when we can't right that minute. Not just wanting me when we're in bed and she knows I'll make her cum.

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I don't see you as whiny. Just someone who feels his partner isn't going out of her way to satisfy his needs. You probably need to be more direct with her, diplomatically. And discuss how you both can adjust to the new job where you both feel like you're satisfied sexually. Personally, I don't think cum is the greatest tasting thing, but the benefits of giving my partner pleasure and getting off on his pleasure far outweighed the issue of the taste of cum. However, it might take a while for your wife to understand this, or she may never understand it. If so, try discussing other options that you both can live with.

Good luck!

The job covers half our joint bills. This isn't anything I would end a relationship over. I'm trying to make it better.

But I appreciate your perspective none the less. There probably is more i should be doing. I'm not sure what and she hasn't asked for anything.

NightL said:

Yup and a lot more.

You make choices that have consequences yet you want to blame the person closest to you for the impact of those consequences.

Good luck holding onto that relationship.

If your job is more important than your relationship, show a bit of dignity and end the relationship gracefully and quickly.

Click to expand...

A tad harsh response for the vague info given.




Speaking as someone who's been in similar circumstances, it has less to do about the actual sex than the rest of the relationship, the problem is, the trials and tribulations of life tend to go unresolved and the place we really start to see its effects is in the bedroom.

The direction to go is on improving your communication, if you can't do this, then there will be no hope for improvement in the bedroom and, ultimately, will result in a failed relationship. While this may sound overly dramatic, go ahead, try not speaking to your wife for a week, or two, or three, or six, and see what happens. As I said, problems in life are amplified in the bedroom. You are unfulfilled in life, and are left wanting in the bedroom with a partner unwilling to give you what you feel you need and deserve. Again, been there, done that!

First and foremost, take responsibility for your side of the relationship. Your work hours suck, they are incompatible with your partner, resulting in limited time together and you exhausted all the time. If I had to hazard a guess, it's a job you'd rather not be doing, increasing your fatigue and need for someone to care for your needs. I'm sure there are other things going on that need your attention as well.

Secondly, any conversation started with your wife needs to be in neutral territory and remain neutral in nature, no he said/she said bullshit. Maintaining the ability and environment for open communication between the two of you is vitally important. Approach this from the perspective that "it's broke, how do WE fix it?" If you can't work together toward a common goal of an improved relationship, then as NightL suggests, it's time to go your separate ways.

yellowrocket said:

With my new job I'm home 3 nights a week. I worn third so I'm often ready for bed long before dinner is even done on the 2 days that I have off the night after working.

I fuck her till I nut but after burying my face in her I'm a little starved for air and can't really fuck her long enough to really enjoy it. God knows after being up for 24 plus hours I don't have the energy

There are times I want to just take her hard and fast but it's a no go almost every time.

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These are the points I see - you have a new job, as a consequence you are too tired to participate as you used to - Yet your suggested solution is wishing to ignore whatever processes your partner needs to get into the mood for sex for a quick bang purely for your satisfaction - and I think the "taste of cum" comment is that you also want to ejaculate in her mouth - again only for your own satisfaction without putting the effort in as you used to.

Now you want to know how you can get quick relief on your terms when you want it and you are asking for advice on how to get your partner to comply?

So your partner apparently is at fault for not getting instantly aroused on your whims.

Yep - so tell her straight - "I want to bang you when the mood suits me, but I'll let you off if I can come in your mouth occasionally." Yeah, that ought to achieve something.

Perhaps you should take responsibility and mix your routine up a little. The way you describe the functionality of your approach is it would seem fairly obvious you are not building your desires and energy together. To be honest busting your "nut" only after she has had an orgasm through oral sex would be boring for both of you. She might enjoy the oral but how much is she enjoying you "fucking her to I nut" after. It reads like you are using each other as masturbation tools and not having sex together - not making love together.

Asking you to go down on her to get in the mood is great - but you don't have to go all the way straight away. Play - have fun - tease - make mistakes and laugh about them - try again. There is a lot more to intimacy than oral and penetrative sex. Ask her where and how she likes to be touched, held, stroked, hugged - pay attention to how she responds. Role play - be silly - laugh - tell her stories. Mix it up and build your desires together - now done right the sexual energy will be significantly higher for both of you and the tiredness and boredom will evaporate.

Take her out dancing - take her out for a romantic meal - better yet you plan and prepare a special evening for her - surprise her with a beautiful meal you have prepared, transform an area in your home to that special place to retreat to (not just the bed with the covers down and work clothes on the floor). Prove to her how much you love her - show her the effort you will go to for her to feel special.

Do all that and you might get your quick bang from time to time.

I don't think you're being whiny, you're in the same position that countless numbers of people find their selves in all too often. The fact that you've acknowledged this as a problem is positive. You just need to let her know, and I understand, as you have yourself, what a potential minefield this is.

I second what NightL said about showing her how special she is to you, and at the risk of being very corny & clichéd this crisis is also an opportunity.

I'm currently in the aftermath of a relationship, one of the causal factors of the breakup was too much drudgery of real life and not enough quality time for us (difficult with three kids in the mix). I'd love to wake up tomorrow to find it had all been a bad dream and be in the situation you're in, to have a chance to fix the manageable problem before the situation becomes catastrophic.

Talk to her, honestly, passionately, show her a different you and maybe she'll show you a different her.

Best of luck with your situation.

It is about life. I needed to take a step back and remind my self of that. It hasn't been bad and I shouldn't complain. It could be a lot worst, I just don't want to let it ever get there.

I've worked these last 4 year at making sure her needs were met in and out of bed because when we first started dating I had direct competition for her attention. Maybe with the schedule change and over time i let a little bit of that slip.

I'll just keep listening every day and letting her know if if i feel things start going south again. We have something planned together this weekend again. Maybe getting out 2 weekends in a row? Unheard of when you have 4 kids in the house. lol

My life isn't bad. I just don't want to let it ever be less than it could or her to be less than happy.

Yo, take it easy.

People have a right to complain and be whiney all they want. Whatever helps you lighten up, do it. I like to work-out my frustrations. Find a patch for yourself.


As for your problem,

It's common. People not finding a common ground in their relationship is common. People being unfair in their relationships is common. You just have to deal with it if you want to be in that relationship. Talking helps, as does sitting down and having a serious discussion about it. As "un-sexy" that may sound, it works.

It becomes a major problem when people start fantasising about what could've been. Escapism never solves any problem. It only makes it worse. If you keep it on, the want to do it with someone else will only grow until you actually do the deed.

Do something before it grows.

How about, "Baby, I want you to suck me off... "
I dunno, if it were me, I'd have long since had you covered.
Or... maybe, don't expect her to swallow...if that's a "thing" you want. Seems to me the orgasm completes the blowjob—that's the whole idea, right? You're not always getting that, right? She needn't run and spit, either. She can keep you in her mouth until you blow and slowly let your sap ooze through her lips and drizzle down your flaciding cock as she gently, warmly... surrenders it back to you.

Wait. What were talking about, again..?

Talk to her. Do it nicely, lovingly... without blaming, w/o casting judgement, accusing or assuming... Good luck.

You should try a gay guy. We're always willing to be used.

You should make that into a t-shirt

Broken up with GF?
Don't get down
Get a gay guy round

could almost be a haiku

yellowrocket said:

This may come off whiney, but I'm not sure how else to put it.

With my new job I'm home 3 nights a week. I worn third so I'm often ready for bed long before dinner is even done on the 2 days that I have off the night after working.

Sex has been on a steady decline lately. Not just in quantity. I knew that would happen. But the quality. She knows I'll get her off any time she asks. I love doing it for her. I just wish she'd do the same. She doesn't like the taste of cum. I get that and haven't asked her to in a very long time. Every time we have sex though she wants me to go down on her and by the time she cums I'm done. I fuck her till I nut but after burying my face in her I'm a little starved for air and can't really fuck her long enough to really enjoy it. God knows after being up for 24 plus hours I don't have the energy to go a second time and she doesn't want to cause she's already cum.

There are times I want to just take her hard and fast but it's a no go almost every time.

I've started fantasizing about someone wanting me like she used to. Throwing me on the bed. Wanting me when we can't right that minute. Not just wanting me when we're in bed and she knows I'll make her cum.

Click to expand...

Just curious how being here is helping with your problem. Time spent here could probably be better spent with your wife, since it's so limited

I don't miss any time with her to be here. I'm here when I have down time at work or I'm doing something that I can take a few moments to catch up here. And since I stopped to remember to take care if the little stuff and let the bedroom take care of it self things have gotten better.