Looking for feedback on a small portion

I have been writing my first story for almost four months now (off and on). The story is only about half way done and is already 6000 words. Below is a brief passage from one of the scenes. I just wanted to get some of it out there and see how it is. I would love some feedback on my writing style and imagery. Anything you send my way is of great help.........................

There was no misunderstanding what I was supposed to do. I placed my left hand at the base of his cock, wrapping my fingers around it. I placed my other hand on this thigh and brought my awaiting mouth to him. My lips brushed the head, causing his cock to jump slightly. I removed my hand from his thigh and grabbed his head. Lifting his cock upwards, I placed my tongue at the very base. I slowly ran my tongue up the whole underside, when I reached the head I opened my mouth and slid it inside. Wrapping my lips around his meat, I slowly started running my tongue around the head, flicking the underside occasionally. With one hand securely at the base, I started to slowly stroke his entire length with the other one.

In no time David started becoming hard, his cock slowing grew inside my mouth. I could have taken this kids pulse using only my tongue. His shaft grew firmer as the head began to occupy all the free space in my mouth.

When he was rock hard I slide more of him into my mouth, his cock must have been 9 inches long. I slowly begin to bob down on him, brining him in and out of my eager cock trap. My hand jerked him, matching the pace of my mouth.

David groaned as my mouth slowly fucked his cock. I felt his hand leave my shoulder and moved over my head. David wrapped his hand around my pony tail and pulled it upright. I began to pick up the pace. Sliding him further into my mouth with each bob, until I had him most of the way in. Good thing I have no real gag reflex or I would have been in trouble.

David started to pull my pony tail back and forth, matching my rhythm as he fucked my throat. I could feel him tensing up and knew he wouldn’t last much longer. If there is one thing I do well its sucking a cock. Pulling my mouth back to his tip, I tightened my grip and begun to stroke his shaft fast and hard, covering his entire length. I opened my mouth and stuck out my tongue a little. Forming it into a kind of bowl, I placed it right under his tip, preparing myself to receive his juice.

David moaned and tightened his grip on my hair. “This is it” I thought, I closed my eyes and waited. Just as I was expecting to feel warm cum hit my throat David pulled back on my hair. Pulling my head back, off and away from his cock. I opened my eyes in time to see David begin to climax. His cum shot out towards me, I felt some land on my lips and chin. Then the next stream hit my chest, right between my tits. It seemed like a massive amount of jizz. I could taste the bitter, salty goop on my lips. I could feel the warmth of it as it begun to slowing run down my chin, dripping onto my chest. It ran in between my breasts and slid down my front.

I made no attempt to wipe it off; I sat there wearing it proudly like a medal.

- Delete everything underlined.
- Italics for my comments
- I am an amateur too. Some of these edits are only my preference.

Comments
- You are a beginner. Making mistakes is normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
- I strongly suggest you go through the HowTo section of literotica to learn some writing tips.
- You keep are keeping the lens of the camera on the action which is good
- Where are the five senses: Taste, Touch (texture, firmness), SMELL, etc. You could have used so much more than what you did. Don't be afraid of metaphors and similes (in moderation).
- Where is her emotion? How does this make her feel? How much does she want this? This is what turns people on in erotica. I can't be harsh on you because we haven't seen the build up to this scene. i.e. The prime tool for building emotions is in the buildup. Is she sucking off a local kid? Are they in a quiet spot in a public place? etc. The context of the situation could be love, rekindling her firey youth, a naughty thrill, or whatever. Whatever the context is it will change the scene entirely.


I didn't change everything. Please try again and I will help you again (or someone else)

roxs12ems said:

. . .
There was no misunderstanding what I was supposed to do. I placed my left hand at the base of his cock, wrapping my fingers around it. I placed my other hand on this thigh and brought my awaiting mouth to him. My lips brushed the head, causing his cock to jump slightly. I removed my hand from his thigh and grabbed his head. Lifting his cock upwards, I placed my tongue at the very base. I slowly ran my tongue up the whole underside, when I reached the head I opened my mouth and slid it inside. Wrapping my lips around his meat, I slowly started running my tongue around the head, flicking the underside occasionally. With one hand securely at the base, I started to slowly stroke his entire length with the other one.

In no time David started becoming hard, his cock slowing grew inside my mouth. I could have taken this kids pulse using only my tongue. His shaft grew firmer as the head began to occupy all the free space in my mouth.

When he was rock hard I slide more of him into my mouth, his cock must have been 9 inches long. I slowly begin to bob down on him, brining him in and out of my eager cock trap. My hand jerked him, matching the pace of my mouth.

David groaned as my mouth slowly fucked his cock. I felt his hand leave my shoulder and moved over my head. David wrapped his hand around my pony tail and pulled it upright. I began to pick up the pace. Sliding him further into my mouth with each bob, until I had him most of the way in. Good thing I have no real gag reflex or I would have been in trouble.

David started to pull my pony tail back and forth, matching my rhythm as he fucked my throat. I could feel him tensing up and knew he wouldn’t last much longer. If there is one thing I do well its sucking a cock. Pulling my mouth back to his tip, I tightened my grip and begun to stroke his shaft fast and hard, covering his entire length. I opened my mouth and stuck out my tongue a little. Forming it into a kind of bowl, I placed it right under his tip, preparing myself to receive his juice.

David moaned and tightened his grip on my hair. “This is it” I thought, I closed my eyes and waited. Just as I was expecting to feel warm cum hit my throat David pulled back on my hair. Pulling my head back, off and away from his cock. I opened my eyes in time to see David begin to climax. His cum shot out towards me, I felt some land on my lips and chin. Then the next stream hit my chest, right between my tits. It seemed like a massive amount of jizz. I could taste the bitter, salty goop on my lips. I could feel the warmth of it as it begun to slowing run down my chin, dripping onto my chest. It ran in between my breasts and slid down my front.

I made no attempt to wipe it off; I sat there wearing it proudly like a medal.

Click to expand...

There was no misunderstanding what I was supposed to do [change voice by deleting second half, then add something like ", he was commanding me to suck his cock". Do not use unspoken words for suspense unless you are a master horror writer]. I placed my left hand at the base of his cock, wrapping my fingers around it. I placed Placing my other hand on this thigh and brought my awaiting mouth to him [to where? unclear action. meld this sentence together with the next few sentences. There is a lot of showing in this paragraph for what is basically the character bracing herself for his cock. Say it, then show some anticipation, feelings or something. A paragraph of description is boring]. My lips brushed the head, causing his cock to jump twitch slightly. I removed my hand from his thigh and grabbed his head[unclear, you mean the head of his cock. try "bulbous, mushroom, etc."] . Lifting his cock upwards, I placed my tongue at the very to the base. I slowly [with care to the textures of his cock - or something, expand out adverbs] ran my tongue up the whole underside, when I reached the head I opened my mouth and slid it inside. Wrapping my lips around his meat, I slowly started running my tongue around the head, flicking the underside occasionally. With one hand securely at the base, I started to slowly stroke his entire length with the other one.

[unclear how far the cock has penetrated the mouth at this stage; only the tip or most of the shaft?]

In no time [what does this mean?] David started becoming hard hardening erection, his cock slowing grew inside my mouth. I could have taken this kids [I don't like. expand - I could feel his thumping. . ."] pulse using only my tongue. His shaft grew firmer as the head began to occupy all the free space in my mouth. [confusing sentence with multiple ideas, split into two.]

When I was sure [show don't tell] he was rock hard I slide more of him into my mouth, his cock must have been [she is only now measuring his cock? is this in the dark? It makes no sense. Instead show a reaction like amazement or struggling or something] 9 inches long. I slowly [you are using "slowly" too much - expand out again] begin to bob down on him, brining bringing him in and out of my eager cock trap [it took me a second to realise, it's not as obvious as you think. How about "slutty mouth", "cock sucking lips", "puckered mouth ", "gaping mouth hole", and etc. ] . My hand jerked him, matching the pace of my mouth.

David groaned moaned [groaning is most often pain, try not to use 'groan'] as my mouth slowly [yeah, you know] fucked his cock. I felt his hand leave my shoulder and moved over my head. David wrapped his hand around my pony tail and yanked pulled it my head upright. I began to pick up the pace. Sliding him further into my mouth with each bob, until I had him most of the way in. Good thing I have no real gag reflex or I would have been in trouble.

David started [never use 'started', too nebulous] to pull my pony tail back and forth[/U] [change voice: "David gripped me by the X using my head to fuck his cock" or whatever] , matching my rhythm as he fucked my throat. I could feel [Tense] When I felt him tensing up and knew he wouldn’t last much longer. If there is one thing I do well its sucking a cock. Pulling my mouth back to his tip, I tightened my grip and begun to stroke his shaft fast and hard, covering his entire length. I opened my mouth and stuck out my tongue a little. Forming it into a kind of bowl, I placed it right under his tip, preparing myself to receive his juice.

David moaned and tightened his grip on my hair. “This is it” I thought, I closed my eyes and waited. Just as I was expecting to feel warm cum hit my throat David pulled back on my hair. Pulling my head back, off and away from his cock. I opened my eyes in time to see David begin to climax. His cum shot out towards me, I felt some land on my lips and chin. Then the next stream hit my chest, right between my tits. It seemed like a massive amount of jizz. I could taste the bitter, salty goop on my lips. I could feel the warmth of it as it begun to slowing run down my chin, dripping onto my chest. Cum It ran between my breasts [cleavage?] and slid down my front [I think you can be more clear, "my stomach", "my belly" or whatever].

I made no attempt to wipe it off; [my preference, but I don't like semicolons in fiction] I sat there wearing it proudly like a medal. [2 short "I did this statements", merge into one - eg. "David offered me a towel to wipe the cum dripping down my face. I couldn't accept it, I was wanted to wear his cum as an medal for my cock sucking. " or whatever, expand it]

Watch out for START in all its forms. I did the same ting when I was a newbie. Also don't say her licking him caused him to get hard. In action scenes, things flow faster in short concise sentences. We know what causes what.

This is how I would tighten one of your paragraphs. It could use more senses, but I haven't changed any of that. Find your own words, use a thesaurus).Don't say “I felt.” Use stuff like: “The taste of his cock ignited a fire deep in me. My pussy lips opened further, emitting a foetid fluid I could clearly smell, mixed with the raw male musk from his scrotum. (balls, etc.)


David moaned, tightening his grip on my hair. “This is it” I thought, closing my eyes. I was expecting to feel warm cum hit my throat, but David pulled my head back, away from his cock. I opened my eyes in time to see his cum shoot towards me, landing on my lips and chin. The next stream, a massive amount, splatted between my tits. I could taste his bitter, salty goop (the silliness of this word softens the erotic effect for me) on my lips. Its warmth oozed down my chin onto my chest, between my breasts and down my belly. (91 words, you had 135)

Not too bad, a little too complicated to make my cock rise, and too impersonal. What did the cock look like, was it pink, brown, black, thin thick, cut uncut, details such as this are what makes a story seem real, Was the room filled with the acrid smell of sex and sweat? We should know thee people before this happens, as others have said we should know their emotions, their smells taste, touch, etc. Was the room becoming darker as night set in, did fireworks crash behind someone's eyes?Etc.

I agree, this was very dry and read like a manual. It was pretty much a step by step of how to give a blowjob with no emotion. I laughed when she said "good thing I have no gag reflex". It just jumped out at me, it was an afterthought and didn't really need to be said. Since it was so dry, like most instructions I skipped most of the detail looking for something important...pretty much skimmed to the end. If your character has no emotion, why should we? Make us feel something!