cymbidia
unrepentant pervert
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2001
- Posts
- 8,786
A post GreenEyedGirl made on the Domme thread has inspired this thread. Instead of corrupting the flow of their excellent discussion, i thought to take it out and make a new thread for it. It's a subject worthy of it's own discussion, i think.
Where do you begin?
To my mind, it's always best to begin with a frank assessment of where you are in terms of your needs and wants and desires and fantasies. You cannot possibly hope to find someone who will be to you what most need if you don't know what those needs are, can you?
Completing one of the many Needs/Wants Checklists that are floating around the net (here's just one: http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bondage/sub-checklist.html) will give you a more concrete basis on which to begin the search for that elusive perfect-for-you Dominant. It will enable you to see, in a clear and detailed format, what you want and fear and where you think you want to go in a D/s relationship, at least from a sexual perspective.
After you've done the checklist, it may be time to begin beating the bushes for that perfect Dominant. You've got a couple choices here: (1) hope you can turn your current (and maybe vanilla) partner onto the idea of exploring in this manner or (2) you can go out looking for someone who is already interested in investigating into the mode of being.
Quite frankly, (1) doesn't seem to work that well for most of us. If we are who and what we are, so are they. They have as much right to *not* want bondage and power games in their relationships as we have to need them. It's kinda unfair, i think, to expect someone who's been vanilla forever to suddenly be enthusiastically turned on about tying you up and spanking you IF they have no interests in going there. Some of us have SO's who get into it because we do; i envy such loving and close partnerships. Most of us have lost SO's because of our needs in this area.
In the second case, that of going out and looking for those who are already interested in BDSM, you've got a right to far higher expectations of success. However, going out and looking carries with it at least one really alarming possibility, too.
Many, not most but certainly many men (and FAR more online than off) have found that an easy way to get laid is to claim to be a Master looking for a submissive. They meet you online. You begin talking/emailing/phone calls. If you're rather new to all this BDSM stuff, they can be very difficult to tell from those who are sincere and real in their desire and ability to Dominate.
There are a couple of ways to go about finding Dominants. The best is, of course, meeting them as a result of the personal recommendation by someone you trust. This is unlikely to happen, however, unless you're active in your local lifestyle group (e.g., you've been going to your local munches and other events). Lifestylers take care of each other. If there's someone bad out preying on newbies, you'll hear about it from your munch friends - but you gotta go to the munches and make friends first, right?
Another method, and one we all use eventually, is via the personals ads. It's here, of course, that you have to be very vigilant about pretenders, but it's here, too, that you have the greatest possibility of meeting someone who's just right for you.
The two best, in my opinion, are www.bondage.com and www.alt.com. You've got to be able to write a very clear ad, one that details extremely well what you want in a Dominant and what you want to give (just as important for submissives as we all need to give different things).
This post has gone too long.
I'll end it in the hope that others will address this so important topic, one that occupies most of us when we're unpartnered since we cannot possibly find our peace, our pleasure, alone.
b.
GEG, your question is neither too general nor is it unanswerable. Furthermore, it's one we all face, many of us over and over, as we move along in understanding of our needs.GreenEyedGirl said:
Where do you begin?
To my mind, it's always best to begin with a frank assessment of where you are in terms of your needs and wants and desires and fantasies. You cannot possibly hope to find someone who will be to you what most need if you don't know what those needs are, can you?
Completing one of the many Needs/Wants Checklists that are floating around the net (here's just one: http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bondage/sub-checklist.html) will give you a more concrete basis on which to begin the search for that elusive perfect-for-you Dominant. It will enable you to see, in a clear and detailed format, what you want and fear and where you think you want to go in a D/s relationship, at least from a sexual perspective.
After you've done the checklist, it may be time to begin beating the bushes for that perfect Dominant. You've got a couple choices here: (1) hope you can turn your current (and maybe vanilla) partner onto the idea of exploring in this manner or (2) you can go out looking for someone who is already interested in investigating into the mode of being.
Quite frankly, (1) doesn't seem to work that well for most of us. If we are who and what we are, so are they. They have as much right to *not* want bondage and power games in their relationships as we have to need them. It's kinda unfair, i think, to expect someone who's been vanilla forever to suddenly be enthusiastically turned on about tying you up and spanking you IF they have no interests in going there. Some of us have SO's who get into it because we do; i envy such loving and close partnerships. Most of us have lost SO's because of our needs in this area.
In the second case, that of going out and looking for those who are already interested in BDSM, you've got a right to far higher expectations of success. However, going out and looking carries with it at least one really alarming possibility, too.
Many, not most but certainly many men (and FAR more online than off) have found that an easy way to get laid is to claim to be a Master looking for a submissive. They meet you online. You begin talking/emailing/phone calls. If you're rather new to all this BDSM stuff, they can be very difficult to tell from those who are sincere and real in their desire and ability to Dominate.
There are a couple of ways to go about finding Dominants. The best is, of course, meeting them as a result of the personal recommendation by someone you trust. This is unlikely to happen, however, unless you're active in your local lifestyle group (e.g., you've been going to your local munches and other events). Lifestylers take care of each other. If there's someone bad out preying on newbies, you'll hear about it from your munch friends - but you gotta go to the munches and make friends first, right?
Another method, and one we all use eventually, is via the personals ads. It's here, of course, that you have to be very vigilant about pretenders, but it's here, too, that you have the greatest possibility of meeting someone who's just right for you.
The two best, in my opinion, are www.bondage.com and www.alt.com. You've got to be able to write a very clear ad, one that details extremely well what you want in a Dominant and what you want to give (just as important for submissives as we all need to give different things).
This post has gone too long.
I'll end it in the hope that others will address this so important topic, one that occupies most of us when we're unpartnered since we cannot possibly find our peace, our pleasure, alone.
b.
I'm going to be a virgin forever...*G*
