Issues in the bedrom

Hi guys -

First time poster here. I have a serious mental issue that I just cant get over that is really effecting my relationship (and has so in the past). Just a little bit of background: I'm fairly conservative when it comes to sex and I was a later bloomer to get sexually active.

There has been 1 issue that constantly plagued me in my relationships (past and present): I have an overwhelming mental block, almost a fear, of putting my mouth anywhere on my girl where I came. For example, when she gives me head and I come in her mouth, we have to stop and she brushes her teeth before I can kiss. Likewise, when I eat her out, it has to be before vaginal sex because I can't stand the thought of tasting my own cum after cumming in her vagina. This creates a very regimented (and I assume boring) routine for her. It's always the same thing - finger stimulation, followed by foot play (we both have a foot fetish), then I go down, then vaginal penetration. Never vaginal sex before oral for her. I wont even do oral after penetration even if there is no ejaculation.

She is a real trooper and has never complained but I can see her body language change after we have to stop for her to brush her teeth. I know its very selfish of me to even think this way - and it has taken a long time to just seek advice as I am doing right now. I know this sounds horrible but I just dont know how to get over this.

Suck a few cocks. Problem solved.

Personally I can't see how there is a problem unless it's bitch get down there and blow me off then go brush your teeth before I do anything to you.

Granted, getting up and brushing your teeth in the middle of sex can put a damper on the mood. That said, so long as you say, return the favor and lick her while she is sucking, there is nothing to not like. I mean women do refuse to kiss a man that was just licking her.

Your problem is not only for men, women think the same way. You could go to a shrink and pay a lot of money to figure out why you think that. Alternately, you can ask your girlfriend if it bothers her that you won't go where you left a load until it's cleaned.

Trust me, if there is a problem in your relationship it's not because you won't kiss her after a blowjob. Talk to the woman. You really should have done that before asking thousands of strangers about help with your sex life. For all you know we are all mass murderers.

JtohisPB said:

How does she respond to this? Does it actually bother her or are you just worried about that?

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She's made some passing comments about it killing the mood, etc. Never to the point where we had a sit down convo about it. There occasionally are times where she would get up and brush her teeth and come back and say she's doesn't want to do anything else. It's fairly rare but it happens. But even when that does not happen, I can tell the mood had changed. .

This is nothing new so I don't think its a deal breaker for her by any means but I know it bothers her to some extent.

any little

Any little thing that bothers her, or you, for that matter, at this stage of the relationship is going to get MUCH, MUCH worse as time goes on. My suggestion is that you fix yourself. It will probably require help from a counselor.

curious_newbie said:

Hi guys -

She is a real trooper and has never complained but I can see her body language change after we have to stop for her to brush her teeth. I know its very selfish of me to even think this way - and it has taken a long time to just seek advice as I am doing right now. I know this sounds horrible but I just dont know how to get over this.

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You know how they say the best way to get over your fear of heights is to either take the plunge and go somewhere high until you're no longer afraid or work your way to higher and higher places until you're comfortable? The same here.

Either jump right in and give her a kiss when she's done or, in your case, start with baby steps. After she's been down on you for a bit, give her a kiss. Just a quick peck, then let her continue. Repeat once or twice each time until you feel more comfortable.

Keep progressing further down the path, such as when she tastes your precum then later, instead of brushing, have her just water to rinse. At some point you'll be able to go all the way. Remember, it's your own bodily fluid. Have you ever licked a cut on your arm or hand rather than go wash it? Why should this be any different?

Let me see if I've got this right: No kissing after you've cum in her mouth, and no cunnilingus unless countless requirements align just right at just the right time.

Sounds like a typical guy to me.

littlecordelera said:

Let me see if I've got this right: No kissing after you've cum in her mouth, and no cunnilingus unless countless requirements align just right at just the right time.

Sounds like a typical guy to me.

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Harrumph...

But to follow with another thought. You've a foot fetish? I'll assume that involves sucking on her tootsies?

A little toe jam is fine, mayhap a spot of fungal growth just adds piquant flavoring, the aroma of her sweaty, dirty foot probably gets you excited; but the slight possibility of your lips touching seminal fluid gets your shorts tied into knots.

Yeah, I'd say that's a problem.

Sounds like mostly just "normal" male drop in arousal levels after cumming. And so you don't like the taste either, which isn't a big surprise. I've only thought of the idea some myself, and talked about it, but without someone to encourage me I'm afraid it just isn't likely.

Not sure where to suggest something here, but kissing seems pretty natural. And you'd have the least likely taste from that. Kissing her to say "thank you" would seem important to her. Licking her vagina, after you've cum, is another level entirely. If she's disappointed that you're not doing these things then I'm going to guess that she's got some fantasies of her own that she's not talking about...yet. She probably should.

Maybe there's more to the "conservative" word that you're willing to discuss here. If you've misplaced some dislike for semen...what it is, or where it comes from, and why...then those are things you'll need to do some thinking about, and maybe some reading too. Maybe it's just a perception that you've developed from earlier days...the way it's talked about among your peers that has you feeling uncomfortable about it. I don't think these are specifically "conservative" ideas though, so I'm wondering if your use of the word means something else.

Sounds like you have a wonderful lover though. Hang on, if you can.

NiceNastyMann said:

Harrumph...

But to follow with another thought. You've a foot fetish? I'll assume that involves sucking on her tootsies?

A little toe jam is fine, mayhap a spot of fungal growth just adds piquant flavoring, the aroma of her sweaty, dirty foot probably gets you excited; but the slight possibility of your lips touching seminal fluid gets your shorts tied into knots.

Yeah, I'd say that's a problem.

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To be honest, she has the best maintained feet I have EVER seen in my life. If there was a fungal growth or something along those lines, I would probably have a similar reaction.

box13 said:

Sounds like mostly just "normal" male drop in arousal levels after cumming. And so you don't like the taste either, which isn't a big surprise. I've only thought of the idea some myself, and talked about it, but without someone to encourage me I'm afraid it just isn't likely.

Not sure where to suggest something here, but kissing seems pretty natural. And you'd have the least likely taste from that. Kissing her to say "thank you" would seem important to her. Licking her vagina, after you've cum, is another level entirely. If she's disappointed that you're not doing these things then I'm going to guess that she's got some fantasies of her own that she's not talking about...yet. She probably should.

Maybe there's more to the "conservative" word that you're willing to discuss here. If you've misplaced some dislike for semen...what it is, or where it comes from, and why...then those are things you'll need to do some thinking about, and maybe some reading too. Maybe it's just a perception that you've developed from earlier days...the way it's talked about among your peers that has you feeling uncomfortable about it. I don't think these are specifically "conservative" ideas though, so I'm wondering if your use of the word means something else.

Sounds like you have a wonderful lover though. Hang on, if you can.

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I didn't really mean much by using the word conservative. Let me put it this way to better describe what I mean by "conservative:"

1. I don't talk to my friends about sex related things so it's hard for me to gauge what is "normal" and what is not;

2. I've never had casual sex - it was always with someone I was seeing exclusively;

3. I've never done anything that would be even remotely considered to be exhibitionist/kinky/etc (expect maybe the foot fetish thing if that counts)

4. It's difficult for me to discuss certain things with my mate. For example, I was deathly afraid to reveal to her that I had a foot fetish. In fact, it was she who incorporated foot play during sex, only to reveal later that she had a fetish, which made it 1000% easier for me to reveal that I had the same.

That's basically what I meant by "conservative." You can probably imagine that all this makes it pretty difficult to determine what is normal and what isn't.


I don't have any prior experience that would lead me to dislike semen but I've always had to "ewww" reaction to it as long as I have been sexually active. I have absolutely no hesitation with vaginal secretion.

Not wanting to go down after you cum inside of her is pretty normal. I haven't taken any polls, but I'm guessing it's in the 70-80% range of guys that would feel the same way.

Kissing her after you've blown in her mouth is a bit more common, but you're hardly the only guy on the planet that feels the way you do about tasting his own jizz.

Fucking her without ejaculating inside of her and STILL refusing? That's a bit more peculiar. Someone suggested baby steps... I would think that's a good place to start. Kiss/lick her where your cock has been but your semen has not.

Have a shot of whiskey or something to take a bit of your edge off.

very helpful tips here guys. thank you all.

Dental dam?

Just to be safe.. you should probably perform oral sex for an hour.. and then kiss her for a long time before you actually orgasm.
She should be well satisfied by the time you finish - and won't care if you're anywhere near your own cum.

RawHumor said:

Someone suggested baby steps... I would think that's a good place to start. Kiss/lick her where your cock has been but your semen has not.

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Or, hell, practice solo.

curious_newbie said:

To be honest, she has the best maintained feet I have EVER seen in my life. If there was a fungal growth or something along those lines, I would probably have a similar reaction.

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I was overstating it a bit, wasn't I? However I'm hoping you saw the irony there? You and your lady are able to derive pleasure from something that can have that ick factor - now you just need to transfer that interest into something else.

curious_newbie said:

I didn't really mean much by using the word conservative. Let me put it this way to better describe what I mean by "conservative:"

1. I don't talk to my friends about sex related things so it's hard for me to gauge what is "normal" and what is not;

2. I've never had casual sex - it was always with someone I was seeing exclusively;

3. I've never done anything that would be even remotely considered to be exhibitionist/kinky/etc (expect maybe the foot fetish thing if that counts)

4. It's difficult for me to discuss certain things with my mate. For example, I was deathly afraid to reveal to her that I had a foot fetish. In fact, it was she who incorporated foot play during sex, only to reveal later that she had a fetish, which made it 1000% easier for me to reveal that I had the same.

That's basically what I meant by "conservative." You can probably imagine that all this makes it pretty difficult to determine what is normal and what isn't.


I don't have any prior experience that would lead me to dislike semen but I've always had to "ewww" reaction to it as long as I have been sexually active. I have absolutely no hesitation with vaginal secretion.

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I have found that to be from strong to neutral to yummy. Never ick until I read the words "vaginal secretions." Somehow that makes it sound like a fault rather than a feature.

I grew up in a proper nomenclature family where everything, properly identified, was also suspected of having mal-intentioned microbes.

So for me the dirty names seem clean and the clinical ones make me think about bacteriological counts.

Maybe you you can find a nice tidy name for the the things you get squicked by.

OP? Son you need some real problems in your life...Joan Rivers.

Have you tried some compromises, like your gf using mouthwash vs. brushing her teeth and condoms? If not, those might be steps in the right direction for now.

Have you worked through the steps of overcoming phobias/fears/irrational thoughts, since this issue is clearly bothering you?

If not, google 'self help for phobias' and you'll find a wealth of information, including the methods therapists most often use (exposure and cognitive behavioral therapy) and workbooks. Basically, the therapy involves exposing yourself to your fear, learning your body and mind can handle the feelings associated with doing so, and reframing your thoughts until you're in a healthy/comfortable place. A good starting point might simply be practicing thinking something like, 'hey, if I get precum or a bit of semen in my mouth, I'll be just fine.' Every time a negative/impeding thought about it comes up, combat it with reality and positive thoughts. Perhaps focus on how nice it'll be to not interrupt sex with your gf brushing her teeth.

If you have trouble with the self-help route, I'd suggest seeking out a good therapist who has a lot of experience with phobias, OCD, anxiety, etc. Perhaps you just need a little push and guidance while you're working on this issue.

You certainly don't have to get to the point where you're enthusiastic about snowballing or creampies. It's fine if semen isn't your thing, but it'd be great if it didn't disrupt sex or potentially impact your relationship. My husband *hates* the taste and texture of semen, although that really doesn't impact our sex life because it's a dislike rather than a strong fear or phobia. If you can get to a similar place, you'll be fine and your relationship will probably be better off.

littlecordelera said:

Let me see if I've got this right: No kissing after you've cum in her mouth, and no cunnilingus unless countless requirements align just right at just the right time.

Sounds like a typical guy to me.

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I must not be typical

One of the biggest surprises I have found on Lit is how many guys won't or struggle to provide the oral basics. I have loved licking women anytime and anywhere for so long I just thought all men did. It is just such an obvious and enjoyable part of sexual repertoire.

I am not saying a man can't be a good lover without providing oral sex, but I am saying he would be a better lover if he did.

SlutAddicted said:

I must not be typical

One of the biggest surprises I have found on Lit is how many guys won't or struggle to provide the oral basics. I have loved licking women anytime and anywhere for so long I just thought all men did. It is just such an obvious and enjoyable part of sexual repertoire.

I am not saying a man can't be a good lover without providing oral sex, but I am saying he would be a better lover if he did.

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In my experience the majority of guys or maybe two thirds won't go down unless specifically asked, and I think a lot of women don't ask either. Now I have the opposite problem and have a boyfriend that begs to go down on me lol

In regards to the OP, I don't like kissing after my boyfriend goes down on me, he has to brush his teeth quickly after or we don't kiss during sex, which is fine as we tend to end up in doggy style anyway. I'm very sensitive to smells so I don't like to smell or taste my own, unless I'm drunk, and I haven't had a drink for about a year and a half so it's been a while since I've done that.
I think most people do oral before intercourse anyway? But if you want to do it the other way then why not just have a shower together after sex and you can do the rest there?

Or simple answer would be put a condom on when she goes down on you, flavored ones are okay, you obviously won't finish in her mouth but you can finish and still be able to kiss her after?

The world is full of men and women who are jammed up sexually; fortunately, it is also full of men and women who understand that good sex is joyful, loud, spontaneous, exuberant, and messy. We all get to choose.