LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Death an Rebirth (Semidark)

1millionsecrets

1millionsecrets

Uncredited Princess.
Joined
Oct 4, 2013
Posts
2,394
I rest, nude in darkness.
Clouds shroud my optics.
Your cool fingers graze my flesh.
Hold me down and rip me open...
You wish to live inside me.
Your breath it catches as your fingers-
Find my neck.
Squeezing... squeezing.
Until I live no more.
Anger fills your body, as your body fills mine.
A cold wetness clings lifelessly to your warmth.
A thrust (or thirty) and my body grows stiff.
Find a heater for my thighs.
A groan and a grunt,
You fill my precious cunt.
Your own warmth surrounds you.
After lust you realize,
With the freeing of your eyes: my death.
But with a kiss... I breathe again.


Feed back Please?
 
Wish I could offer something but the theme is so dark I can't get past it,
 
1millionsecrets said:
I rest, nude in darkness. <snip>
Feed back Please?
Click to expand...
Hi there, secrets. Welcome to the forum.

Thanks for sharing your poem and for warning us about the nature of your words in the thread title. Anything I offer here in comment is merely my opinion and any advice is a gift freely offered that you may accept or ignore as you see fit. This poem is your creation and I respect that you will decide how it's presented in the end.

First, I don't like the use of the "an" slang to replace "and" it's lazy listening and writing as far as I'm concerned and my knee-jerk reaction was to ignore this thread completely but then I decided to pop in and have a read.

Your poem is really a snuff poem and like todski, I'm put off by the content. I understand your, what I hope is, metaphor for love and sex with someone who is simply using you or with whom the first flush of infatuation has cooled. That idea comes across quite clear and may even be said to be full-on, in-your-face, unapologetically bold.

Your poem may even be construed by some to be erotic in nature, however, I don't find rape, necrophilia or the misnomered erotic asphyxiation to be erotic in the least; so your poem is quite disturbing to me personally. That doesn't mean it is ineffective, but I'm left unable to suggest ways to improve the work because I do find that I'm unable to get past the nature of the subject.

I hope you've found even my minor discussion about your poem somehow constructive and that I haven't insulted you - that is not my intent. I just wanted to let you know that people are taking a moment to look at your thread but may be left with not too much to offer in the way of helpful critique. Keep reading and writing and perhaps we'll meet again in another thread.

As a suggestion in how to interact with this forum, you may find folks more open to giving feedback if you visit some of the other personal poetry threads here, and take the time to review their work first before expecting much action in your own. That may not be true in every case, but I find it works in most.

Take care.
 
1millionsecrets said:
I rest, nude in darkness.
Clouds shroud my optics.
Your cool fingers graze my flesh.
Hold me down and rip me open...
You wish to live inside me.
Your breath it catches as your fingers-
Find my neck.
Squeezing... squeezing.
Until I live no more.
Anger fills your body, as your body fills mine.
A cold wetness clings lifelessly to your warmth.
A thrust (or thirty) and my body grows stiff.
Find a heater for my thighs.
A groan and a grunt,
You fill my precious cunt.
Your own warmth surrounds you.
After lust you realize,
With the freeing of your eyes: my death.
But with a kiss... I breathe again.


Feed back Please?
Click to expand...
I like the word choice in general, it is out of the ordinary
1. justify the word "optics" , why did you it use it?
2. "cunt" is generally an attention grabber, more so because of the rhyme, I like
if over in new poems, that would have been my comment and 5ed, however, one of the best things for growth is in giving feedback also.

Welcome to wonderland, (laughs in a sardonic way)
 
champagne1982 said:
Hi there, secrets. Welcome to the forum.

Thanks for sharing your poem and for warning us about the nature of your words in the thread title. Anything I offer here in comment is merely my opinion and any advice is a gift freely offered that you may accept or ignore as you see fit. This poem is your creation and I respect that you will decide how it's presented in the end.

First, I don't like the use of the "an" slang to replace "and" it's lazy listening and writing as far as I'm concerned and my knee-jerk reaction was to ignore this thread completely but then I decided to pop in and have a read.

Your poem is really a snuff poem and like todski, I'm put off by the content. I understand your, what I hope is, metaphor for love and sex with someone who is simply using you or with whom the first flush of infatuation has cooled. That idea comes across quite clear and may even be said to be full-on, in-your-face, unapologetically bold.

Your poem may even be construed by some to be erotic in nature, however, I don't find rape, necrophilia or the misnomered erotic asphyxiation to be erotic in the least; so your poem is quite disturbing to me personally. That doesn't mean it is ineffective, but I'm left unable to suggest ways to improve the work because I do find that I'm unable to get past the nature of the subject.

I hope you've found even my minor discussion about your poem somehow constructive and that I haven't insulted you - that is not my intent. I just wanted to let you know that people are taking a moment to look at your thread but may be left with not too much to offer in the way of helpful critique. Keep reading and writing and perhaps we'll meet again in another thread.

As a suggestion in how to interact with this forum, you may find folks more open to giving feedback if you visit some of the other personal poetry threads here, and take the time to review their work first before expecting much action in your own. That may not be true in every case, but I find it works in most.

Take care.
Click to expand...
Crap...
The an was suppose to be an and, but I must have missed the d.
My phone is awful for typing, or writing anything in general.

Thank you for your feedback. I'm appreciative of your opinions and every though you do not agree or enjoy the topic, the fact you took the time to comment means so much.

I will try to fix things, but can you even edit your title?
If not, oh well...
again thank you dear.

:heart:
 
twelveoone said:
I like the word choice in general, it is out of the ordinary
1. justify the word "optics" , why did you it use it?
2. "cunt" is generally an attention grabber, more so because of the rhyme, I like
if over in new poems, that would have been my comment and 5ed, however, one of the best things for growth is in giving feedback also.

Welcome to wonderland, (laughs in a sardonic way)
Click to expand...
Thank you for your feedback.

1. I chose "optics" because it is a vague word (not commonly used) for lens. Lenses can be another name for eye, and I found optic to be a more suitable word. Perhaps.

2. I absolutely abhor the word "cunt" so, I used it in this darker poem to help leave "me" or the person depicted with a body for use as little more than an object. Did you notice nothing else in the poem rhymes? My reasoning for this, was to draw attention to that specific phrase.

Thank you so very much for your feedback.
 
1millionsecrets said:
Thank you for your feedback.

1. I chose "optics" because it is a vague word (not commonly used) for lens. Lenses can be another name for eye, and I found optic to be a more suitable word. Perhaps.

2. I absolutely abhor the word "cunt" so, I used it in this darker poem to help leave "me" or the person depicted with a body for use as little more than an object. Did you notice nothing else in the poem rhymes? My reasoning for this, was to draw attention to that specific phrase.

Thank you so very much for your feedback.
Click to expand...
1. perhaps not
2. no i did not, and attention was drawn to it, suspected it was your intent, kudos
 
1millionsecrets said:
Thank you for your feedback.

1. I chose "optics" because it is a vague word (not commonly used) for lens. Lenses can be another name for eye, and I found optic to be a more suitable word. Perhaps.

2. I absolutely abhor the word "cunt" so, I used it in this darker poem to help leave "me" or the person depicted with a body for use as little more than an object. Did you notice nothing else in the poem rhymes? My reasoning for this, was to draw attention to that specific phrase.

Thank you so very much for your feedback.
Click to expand...

Optics has several meanings but all refer to science and the study of light, vision, colour.

It is not at all vague but quite specific. Why not the obvious clouds shroud my vision though that is a bit prosey.

However, you are naked in the dark, if I understand your poem so you aren't going to have any vision in any other but metaphorical terms.
 
I'd certainly read more of your poetry if only to see if you kept my attention as you did this one. a twist at the end that has so many definitions I'll not go into them now.
 
bogusagain said:
Optics has several meanings but all refer to science and the study of light, vision, colour.

It is not at all vague but quite specific. Why not the obvious clouds shroud my vision though that is a bit prosey.

However, you are naked in the dark, if I understand your poem so you aren't going to have any vision in any other but metaphorical terms.
Click to expand...
Oh. Well thank you for your input hun.
 
I like it for it's difference, I've written murder poems before however I'm not keen on the word Optics. It seems to be out of place and detracts for no reason other than to be an annoyance. IMO you don't need it when eyes would do just as well when you have plenty of other images to grab the attention
 
UnderYourSpell said:
I like it for it's difference, I've written murder poems before however I'm not keen on the word Optics. It seems to be out of place and detracts for no reason other than to be an annoyance. IMO you don't need it when eyes would do just as well when you have plenty of other images to grab the attention
Click to expand...
Thank you for your input.
I chose the word because I liked it, and I'm sorry it did not fit your tastes.
 
1millionsecrets said:
I rest, nude in darkness.
Clouds shroud my optics.
Your cool fingers graze my flesh.
Hold me down and rip me open...
You wish to live inside me.
Your breath it catches as your fingers-
Find my neck.
Squeezing... squeezing.
Until I live no more.
Anger fills your body, as your body fills mine.
A cold wetness clings lifelessly to your warmth.
A thrust (or thirty) and my body grows stiff.
Find a heater for my thighs.
A groan and a grunt,
You fill my precious cunt.
Your own warmth surrounds you.
After lust you realize,
With the freeing of your eyes: my death.
But with a kiss... I breathe again.


Feed back Please?
Click to expand...
hello, 1MS - welcome to the forum and thankyou for posting this.

my thoughts;

opening line well-balanced, and has the feel of a title, a title to a piece of art.

i'm trying to see what L2 brings to the piece, but can find only contradictions; i see open, yet sightless eyes staring up at a heavy sky, which conflicts with the other image i get of a blindfold of soft cloth. layer that with 'through a lens, darkly' (in my head) and the darkness from your first line, i'm left bemused. i don't find the write suffers by removing the line and the contentious 'optics' altogether.

L3 works as well without 'Your'

L5 is striking - though perhaps 'Your wish - to live inside me'

and here i start to find i get a little lost, unsure if this is really murder or breath-control/play (which suggests itself in your final line). if it's breath-play, then i find 'cold wetness' doesn't work for me, whereas 'cool' would suggest the cooling yet still warm flesh of the newly-dead for the fetish - but then you have 'cool fingers' so the repeat would have to be looked at to see if it's justified. IF it's genuinely meant to be about necrophilia, then the cold wetness and what follows works well, and i think you've brought some originality to the scenario - but then is the final line (allowing for its kiss of life connotations) a play on the blowing of breath into the corpse-lungs, making the breasts rise, an image of reanimation?
 
butters said:
hello, 1MS - welcome to the forum and thankyou for posting this.

my thoughts;

opening line well-balanced, and has the feel of a title, a title to a piece of art.

i'm trying to see what L2 brings to the piece, but can find only contradictions; i see open, yet sightless eyes staring up at a heavy sky, which conflicts with the other image i get of a blindfold of soft cloth. layer that with 'through a lens, darkly' (in my head) and the darkness from your first line, i'm left bemused. i don't find the write suffers by removing the line and the contentious 'optics' altogether.

L3 works as well without 'Your'

L5 is striking - though perhaps 'Your wish - to live inside me'

and here i start to find i get a little lost, unsure if this is really murder or breath-control/play (which suggests itself in your final line). if it's breath-play, then i find 'cold wetness' doesn't work for me, whereas 'cool' would suggest the cooling yet still warm flesh of the newly-dead for the fetish - but then you have 'cool fingers' so the repeat would have to be looked at to see if it's justified. IF it's genuinely meant to be about necrophilia, then the cold wetness and what follows works well, and i think you've brought some originality to the scenario - but then is the final line (allowing for its kiss of life connotations) a play on the blowing of breath into the corpse-lungs, making the breasts rise, an image of reanimation?
Click to expand...
Thank you for your input dear.

The whole purpose for this piece is to represent a sexually based relationship. He uses her for his own abusive sexual pleasures, then at the end reverts to his "loving" self.

I was honestly just trying to be creative with the optics line. Give off a sort of glazed over consciousness, the sexual urgency dimming judgement, reality. I don't know...

Thank you again.
 
Last edited:
butters said:
yeah, using past feedback to develop further writes is a sound move. i look forward to reading more from you.
Click to expand...
..
But stay you however the words turn off to a good start I think. *shutting up now*
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Lady_Jade666
The Heart of The Death Mage (Open Pm If Interested)
Replies
0
Views
225
Lady_Jade666
Lady_Jade666
StillStunned
What I Wrote and Why: orgasms
2
Replies
34
Views
2K
StillStunned
StillStunned
StillStunned
What I wrote and why: Life and Death of the She-Wolf
Replies
15
Views
797
StillStunned
StillStunned
D
An Unconventional personal Ad !
6 7 8
Replies
175
Views
29K
DreamMerchant7
D
A
30 M Dominant Looking for his online Sub
Replies
1
Views
813
akyaw
A
Back
Top