Today is a big day!

[Garnate]

I love you funny bastards.

I will never forget the first time I ever saw Garnate. She was understudying Dolly Parton for the role of Lady Macbeth at the RSC, in what became known as the Rhinestone production and, I confess, I did not recognize the name. Anyway, Parton was unavoidably absent (we found out later she had been moonlighting as the face of a large Beijing concrete manufactory) and there was a slip in the programme to the effect that her part would be played by this American ingenue.

You will remember that Lady Macbeth makes her first appearance in Act One, scene five, and is reading a letter from her husband. Taking her cue from Ms Parton, Garnate decided to withdraw the letter from her bosom, which had made an entrance appreciably before the rest of her. Well, that was it. Duncan's murder, Banquo's ghost...all of it was blurred before the the mesmeric sight of those Machiavellian mammaries, plotting and conspiring to rob me of words.

When she rubbed her hands together to attempt to get rid of the 'damn'd spot!' her whole upper body jiggled and, I confess, I had to slip out for a vital few moments to restore the tissues. Once her suicide was announced, I could resist no longer. I slipped round to the dressing rooms before the play ended and professed my undying love. It was only then I realized that she had a lovely face, too. And I will always treasure the first and only words she ever spoke to me:

'Who the fuck are you? Steve? STEVE! Get this creep out of my fucking sight!' I was unceremoniously dumped out the back exit by the recycling bins, and gazed, quite incoherent with lust, at the now-risible beauty of the cold Stratford night. Far beyond, the Malvern hills rose like a tribute act to her chest, and I traced my fingers lovingly over the swollen, puckered skin of my wrist, where she had pressed her post-performance cigar hard against my amorous flesh.

Ah. Such memories. Happy 20,000th, you mesmeric beauty.

I've apologized like, what, 20 times for the cigar burn? To be fair, when you walked up to me you were covered in drool and I had no way of knowing at the time that it was drool.

 

[Garnate]

Happy 20K Biatch!


Hmm...I would have thought you and 1HF would have taken a booby smash pic together during her visit in anticipation for this milestone.

You gotta work on that preplanning!

I knew we forgot to do something!

 

[The Greek]

I knew we forgot to do something!

You and cameras....especially video

 

[Garnate]

You and cameras....especially video

I'm telling you, I'm not getting better at that with age.

 

[jomar]

Hmmm, I don't think attention whore and narcissist are the same thing.

Anyway, congrats G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[The Greek]

I'm telling you, I'm not getting better at that with age.

OK OK...just for you. I will come and handle the camera. May I wear my monocle?

 

[Brollyanna]

90% have been about someone else.

They've been about you, right?

 

[DesEsseintes]

Don't get cocky with me, Des.

It's just that I had it lovingly crafted to contain lots of shit in an elegant and understated fashion, and now you imply it disgusts you.

But this isn't about me - it's about Garnate, and her theorized face.

 

[lemonbread]

It is a big day, found out my baby is a girl today! Now to start thinking about names.

 

[DesEsseintes]

I love you funny bastards.



I've apologized like, what, 20 times for the cigar burn? To be fair, when you walked up to me you were covered in drool and I had no way of knowing at the time that it was drool.

It was mostly drool. I didn't get all the manjuice with the wetwipes, I must confess.

 

[The Greek]

It is a big day, found out my baby is a girl today! Now to start thinking about names.

Congratulations!

 

[TwinkleStars]

No comment? Maybe you'll like this one better.....

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

It is a big day, found out my baby is a girl today! Now to start thinking about names.

Ann is good.

 

[lemonbread]

Ann is good.

Heeey! You acknowledged I exist! Long time no see. You were missed.

Ann is good. I'm a fan of timeless names.

 

[Killswitch]

It is a big day, found out my baby is a girl today! Now to start thinking about names.

You have a big nose. Did you know that?



So does G.

 

[InternationalFunboy]

Garnate Roast

FADE IN:

INT. AN EMPTY STAGE

An empty mic stands on the stage, music plays. The the lights drop down, the music stops. IFB, dashing bastard child of James Bond and Indiana Jones with a little Clooney thrown in for good measure. Older, distinguished, confident. He's got a devil on each shoulder as he approaches the mic.

IFB​

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, gentleman and ladies, good evening. My name is IFB and I'm here like you all are to honor a young woman who we all know intimately....deeply....biblically. How about a round of applause for her... Garnate!​

-Waits for applause-​

You ever wonder how dense the earth's atmosphere would be if giant, empty blonde heads like that didn't exist to suck up all the air? Holy moly I'll tell ya...
What do you call Garnate and all her blondie friends standing together ear to ear? A WIND TUNNEL...one of them blew in the other's ear, I said what was that? She looked at me and said "data transfer" and giggled!
Blondes, jesus christ, blondes are like beer bottles, empty from the neck up!
Enough blonde jokes though, the poor girl. You poor thing.
Hey everybody what is Garnate's idea of a balanced Diet? A BUDWEISER IN EACH HAND! HAYzeus marimba this roast almost writes itself.
Garnate walks into a bar with a giant slab of asphalt under arm. The bartender says, "What'll ya have?" Garnate says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
HAhahahahha.......thank you....thank you...Hey Garnate...​

VOICE FROM THE CROWD (Presumed to be Garnate)​

WHAT?!? I hope you are having a good time up there.​

IFB​

Yeah yeah, I'm having a great time. Hey babe, what's the difference between a bottle of whiskey and the g-spot?​

-beat-​

NO...A guy will actually search for the bottle of Whiskey! hahahahha ..
But seriously folks it's all in good fun, she's not really an alcoholic, alcoholics need a drink, look at her, she already has two!
Hey fellas...fellas in the house. How is Garnate like an ice chest? .....load her up with cold beers and you can take her anywhere!
Garnate walks out of bar one night, walks up to a nun, kicks her in the pussy, punches her in the face, pushes her to the ground. Seriously.

-beat-​

Then she says, no kidding.... "NOT SO TUFF TONIGHT ARE YOU, BATMAN."​

-Very noticeable BOOOs from the crowd-​

Hey.....hey....what can I say, you gotta have a warm heart and a cold beer. Right?? Amiright??​

MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE FROM THE CROWD​

Don't pretend you don't drink!!​

IFB​

ME drink? Sure..sure I do. But I don't drink alcohol, because let's face it, that makes you an alcoholic. Makes you an alcoholic. I drink Fanta, and that makes me FANTASTIC! GOOD NIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN GOOD NIGHT! HAPPY 20K GARNET!​

IFB exits the stage to riotous applause.
REVERSE CAMERA
INT. AN EMPTY BAR
FADE OUT:

CUT
SCENE

 

[Killswitch]

Dayum bro.

You must want to hit that awfully bad.

 

[lemonbread]

You have a big nose. Did you know that?



So does G.

Sigh. Yes. I'm fully aware. It's my father's fault. One of my sisters also shares this feature, but her face is wider so it looks more natural on her.

 

[Killswitch]

Sigh. Yes. I'm fully aware. It's my father's fault. One of my sisters also shares this feature, but her face is wider so it looks more natural on her.

Girls with big noses are hot.

 

[Garnate]

It is a big day, found out my baby is a girl today! Now to start thinking about names.

CONGRATS!!

No comment? Maybe you'll like this one better.....

Oh fuck, I would shove that up my vagina if it wouldn't kill me!

You have a big nose. Did you know that?



So does G.

I'm thinking a FundMe is in order. The new nose will be amazing. *Preens*

 

[DesEsseintes]

Posting because I thought someone had to acknowledge Mr Funboy's roast for the brilliance it was. <Applause.>

 

[Garnate]

FADE IN:

INT. AN EMPTY STAGE

An empty mic stands on the stage, music plays. The the lights drop down, the music stops. IFB, dashing bastard child of James Bond and Indiana Jones with a little Clooney thrown in for good measure. Older, distinguished, confident. He's got a devil on each shoulder as he approaches the mic.

IFB​

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, gentleman and ladies, good evening. My name is IFB and I'm here like you all are to honor a young woman who we all know intimately....deeply....biblically. How about a round of applause for her... Garnate!​

-Waits for applause-​

You ever wonder how dense the earth's atmosphere would be if giant, empty blonde heads like that didn't exist to suck up all the air? Holy moly I'll tell ya...
What do you call Garnate and all her blondie friends standing together ear to ear? A WIND TUNNEL...one of them blew in the other's ear, I said what was that? She looked at me and said "data transfer" and giggled!
Blondes, jesus christ, blondes are like beer bottles, empty from the neck up!
Enough blonde jokes though, the poor girl. You poor thing.
Hey everybody what is Garnate's idea of a balanced Diet? A BUDWEISER IN EACH HAND! HAYzeus marimba this roast almost writes itself.
Garnate walks into a bar with a giant slab of asphalt under arm. The bartender says, "What'll ya have?" Garnate says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
HAhahahahha.......thank you....thank you...Hey Garnate...​

VOICE FROM THE CROWD (Presumed to be Garnate)​

WHAT?!? I hope you are having a good time up there.​

IFB​

Yeah yeah, I'm having a great time. Hey babe, what's the difference between a bottle of whiskey and the g-spot?​

-beat-​

NO...A guy will actually search for the bottle of Whiskey! hahahahha ..
But seriously folks it's all in good fun, she's not really an alcoholic, alcoholics need a drink, look at her, she already has two!
Hey fellas...fellas in the house. How is Garnate like an ice chest? .....load her up with cold beers and you can take her anywhere!
Garnate walks out of bar one night, walks up to a nun, kicks her in the pussy, punches her in the face, pushes her to the ground. Seriously.

-beat-​

Then she says, no kidding.... "NOT SO TUFF TONIGHT ARE YOU, BATMAN."​

-Very noticeable BOOOs from the crowd-​

Hey.....hey....what can I say, you gotta have a warm heart and a cold beer. Right?? Amiright??​

MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE FROM THE CROWD​

Don't pretend you don't drink!!​

IFB​

ME drink? Sure..sure I do. But I don't drink alcohol, because let's face it, that makes you an alcoholic. Makes you an alcoholic. I drink Fanta, and that makes me FANTASTIC! GOOD NIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN GOOD NIGHT! HAPPY 20K GARNET!​

IFB exits the stage to riotous applause.
REVERSE CAMERA
INT. AN EMPTY BAR
FADE OUT:

CUT
SCENE

This thread REALLY delivers.
Thank you for the time you had to have put into this. I've never been more offended in my life.

 

[InternationalFunboy]

Posting because I thought someone had to acknowledge Mr Funboy's roast for the brilliance it was. <Applause.>

Thanks Des! *Tips hat*

 

[InternationalFunboy]

This thread REALLY delivers.
Thank you for the time you had to have put into this. I've never been more offended in my life.

You can return the favor when I hit a celebratory post count. ;-)

 

[Garnate]

You can return the favor when I hit a celebratory post count. ;-)

Deal. You should now post more to reach it this century.