What do you think about this?

[Sammael Bard]

This is a small portion from a story that has been banging around in my brains. Don't know where it'd go, but it would be long enough, focussing more on the emotional aspect and plot, rather than the erotica.

Tell me what you think about it, however ridiculous it may sound. Does it sound intriguing, or just plain damn boring?




The silence of the house was pierced by a single gunshot.

The thunderous crack had erupted from Dad’s bedroom, its echo ensuing loud and clear for an awfully long time. I buried my face further into Mike’s chest, if that was possible. I could feel his heart beating a rapid beat against my cheek. Despite our current circumstances, I felt safe with him. My brother had always been there to protect me.

“Liz?” He whispered.

“Hmm?” My voice cracked, despite my promise to Dad to be stronger. I felt fresh tears erupt, staining his favourite Nike T-shirt in the process.

“I want you to stay right here, okay? I'll go and check.”

For the first time in an hour, I felt scared.

“I’m coming with you.” I whispered.

“No!” He almost yelled, compromising our location for one terrifying moment. He caught himself, and then whispered back, trying to placate me, “I’ll be back before you know it. Be strong for me, okay?”

I knew he was lying. He wouldn't be coming back if he left this place. He read my mind somehow, and kissed my forehead gently.

“I’ll be back, Liz…I promise.”

And like the fool I was, I believed him. I let go, watching him crawl out from beneath the bed where we were hiding. He never looked back as he slowly opened the door and quietly closed it behind him.

That was the last time I saw my brother.

*~*~*





There it goes. Yeah, I know there's a forum limit somewhere, but I think this is short enough, just too much space that makes it look big.

Related advice would be appreciated.

 

[Catchalot]

I think it's great, it had me going . . . and then it ended

 

[JustAnotherMarylander]

.....

 

[Sammael Bard]

I think it's great, it had me going . . . and then it ended

Well, you've got me terrified... that's a pretty emotional start.

Hehe. Thanks. I want the prologue to have some impact so that anyone just glancing at it may have his/her attention hooked right away.

Glad y'all liked it.

 

[sr71plt]

It's a fine opening.

 

[Learin]

Can we get to see more?

 

[Sammael Bard]

It's a fine opening.

Thanks.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Can we get to see more?

Your wish is my command.


I tried to portray a dark character, with a vicious side. I use the surroundings to create a somewhat eerie atmosphere and set the tone of the story. The majority of the story is written in present tense. Continued from the first paragraph, here it goes:

*​

*Removed*

*​

 

[Learin]

Wow, that was morbid... I like the environment you paint. I haven't read many stories with present tense first person POV, except the old noire detective ones. In your case, it does help in setting a slow, emotional pace.

I'm not a good critic, but it reads good enough for me.

Thanks for sharing. It was a great piece.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Wow, that was morbid... I like the environment you paint. I haven't read many stories with present tense first person POV, except the old noire detective ones. In your case, it does help in setting a slow, emotional pace.

I'm not a good critic, but it reads good enough for me.

Thanks for sharing. It was a great piece.

I don't know how my work looks like in the eye of others. It's good to know you liked it.

Thanks.

 

[lovecraft68]

I like it, especially that last line, I am a sucker for violent revenge stories.

 

[PennLady]

I like it, especially that last line, I am a sucker for violent revenge stories.

Then you have, of course, seen and/or read "The Crow."

I don't mind a violent revenge story but I'm not sure what my criteria would be in terms of what I'd want and not want.

 

[Iceprincess12]

I like this but only because I have read so many similar stories and enjoy them. Tragic youthful incident, fast forward to adulthood, life isn't perfect but revenge is on the menu. I would like to see some kind of twist that makes this different or shocking.

 

[Sammael Bard]

I like it, especially that last line, I am a sucker for violent revenge stories.

Then we're on the same boat.

Then you have, of course, seen and/or read "The Crow."

I don't mind a violent revenge story but I'm not sure what my criteria would be in terms of what I'd want and not want.

One question: Was it Good or Bad?

I like this but only because I have read so many similar stories and enjoy them. Tragic youthful incident, fast forward to adulthood, life isn't perfect but revenge is on the menu. I would like to see some kind of twist that makes this different or shocking.

I don't believe in Happy endings, someone's definitely dying in this story and not in a good way.

Enough said.

 

[Iceprincess12]

Then we're on the same boat.



One question: Was it Good or Bad?



I don't believe in Happy endings, someone's definitely dying in this story and not in a good way.

Enough said.

No country for old men

 

[Sammael Bard]

I didn't watch the movie...but have heard that it was a critical success and won a lot of awards.

It's the movie, isn't it?

 

[Iceprincess12]

I didn't watch the movie...but have heard that it was a critical success and won a lot of awards.

It's the movie, isn't it?

Yes, I didn't like the non happy ending but it was more realistic. Should watch it.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Yes, I didn't like the non happy ending but it was more realistic. Should watch it.

Hmmm...I'll add to my list.

Thanks for the feedback!

 

[Learin]

Hey why did you remove it? I didn't see any violation of Forum rules


ETA: This is the only Guidelines I can find relevant to your little snippet, although I don't know what rule you broke:

By The Conformist: If you start a thread it should deal specifically with a story you have written, and you are asking for feedback. It doesn't matter what stage the story is in.

 

[lovecraft68]

Then you have, of course, seen and/or read "The Crow."

I don't mind a violent revenge story but I'm not sure what my criteria would be in terms of what I'd want and not want.

The Crow...saw it three times when it first came out. Of course in my eyes none of them suffered enough.

Favorite line "I feel like a little worm on a big fucking hook"

"Your momma must be proud!"

 

[Myikael]

The writing was professional, the plot was developing, and it didn't drag its feet.

One of my sins is to include brand names in a story to give it a more realistic feel, and that really is a sin. Brand names are, for the most part, trademarked (TM) and not available for us to use without the owner's express permission.

Another reason to exclude brand names is that they seldom do anything except take up valuable space. Unless the story is about the CEO of Nike Corporation and his family being murdered, it doesn't belong here. Read the sentence aloud with and without the name to see if that holds true here.

Prologues can be iffy things that can make a reader stop at the end of it and put down the book. If it is short, like yours, it might not be important enough to have its own section and probably belongs in the beginning of chapter one or as a flashback somewhere close to the beginning. If it is more than half a page the facts can be folded into the story as necessary or pumped up to be chapter one.

Again, this is good writing and I thank you for sharing it. Good luck with your project.

 

[sr71plt]

Brand names are, for the most part, trademarked (TM) and not available for us to use without the owner's express permission.

This isn't correct. Trademarked names can be used in published writing. You just have to spell the names as trademarked. (And you don't have to include the TM symbol--in fact, shouldn't.)

 

[PennLady]

One question: Was it Good or Bad?

"The Crow," both the graphic novel and the movie, were great. Changes had to made, of course, for the movie adaptation, but I think they kept to the spirit of everything. I saw "The Crow" a number of times in the theater, and it's one of my favorite movies ever.

I didn't watch the movie...but have heard that it was a critical success and won a lot of awards.

It's the movie, isn't it?

"No Country for Old Men" was a novel by Cormac McCarthy (I think) and a movie as well. I've seen it but aside from Tommy Lee Jones, and Javier Bardem's odd haircut, I don't remember a whole lot.

The Crow...saw it three times when it first came out. Of course in my eyes none of them suffered enough.

Favorite line "I feel like a little worm on a big fucking hook"

"Your momma must be proud!"

"Your momma must be real proud of you!" Top Dollar wouldn't appreciate being misquoted. Kidding -- it was quite close enough.

Such a great movie. The sequels had some interesting pieces, but none matched the first.

 

[sr71plt]

Hey why did you remove it? I didn't see any violation of Forum rules

Well, yes, sort of it was. The request is for no more than three paragraphs. The original posting violated that, although they were short paragraphs, so no real worries. The next posting, however, started out out-of-bounds. It's not exactly keeping with the forum guideline to dribble out the story in multiple postings.

 

[Sammael Bard]

The writing was professional, the plot was developing, and it didn't drag its feet.

One of my sins is to include brand names in a story to give it a more realistic feel, and that really is a sin. Brand names are, for the most part, trademarked (TM) and not available for us to use without the owner's express permission.

Another reason to exclude brand names is that they seldom do anything except take up valuable space. Unless the story is about the CEO of Nike Corporation and his family being murdered, it doesn't belong here. Read the sentence aloud with and without the name to see if that holds true here.

Prologues can be iffy things that can make a reader stop at the end of it and put down the book. If it is short, like yours, it might not be important enough to have its own section and probably belongs in the beginning of chapter one or as a flashback somewhere close to the beginning. If it is more than half a page the facts can be folded into the story as necessary or pumped up to be chapter one.

Again, this is good writing and I thank you for sharing it. Good luck with your project.

Thanks! I have a tendency to shuffle and change scenes while I'm fleshing out a story. I might make changes as I make progress, but I liked this one for what it was at the very first strike.

I didn't get your Brand reference, though. Although I haven't mentioned anywhere, my story doesn't include any CEO or Brand names that I can capitalise the plot on.

Well, yes, sort of it was. The request is for no more than three paragraphs. The original posting violated that, although they were short paragraphs, so no real worries. The next posting, however, started out out-of-bounds. It's not exactly keeping with the forum guideline to dribble out the story in multiple postings.

I'm so ashamed of myself...