Your Worst

[Misty_Morning]

Sex
Pretending I was making love to women when I was with men.

That was par for the course for me up until about 7 years ago...and I don't feel bad about it one bit. Most of the time it was the only way I could get aroused.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Um, I take the Fifth on most of these, but will tell an amusing cooking story.

I bought a packaged brisket to make corn beef and cabbage on St. Patricks day for myself and a date. The package was similar to some other pre-cooked meats I had purchased previously, so I didn't look too closely, and expected to just season the thing a bit, heat it most of the way in the nuke, and pop it in a hot oven at the last minute to put a little crust on. (I'm not too worried about style points when I cook - just results. )

Oops - dinner time drew near, and when I began to execute this plan I discovered the meat was not pre-cooked at all. OK, season it up and into the nuke it went. For a long time - like half an hour. It was starting to look pretty good, but for some reason I determined that it needed another 10 minutes.

Oops again - wrong! Those extra minutes turned the thing into a cross between shoe leather and beef jerky.

Well, there was more meat than two people required, so I figured we could carve away the semi-charred and hardened exterior and find some edible portions to go with the lovely melange of cabbage, carrots and potatoes (which had been cooked on a gas burner out on the porch - cooking cabbage inside is not conducive to creating a romantic atmosphere.)

So, we proceeded to carve out edible portions - this was embarassing but we were in good spirits anyway - and made a discovery: That jerky-like shoe leather was awesomely delicious! I has done a nice job seasoning, and the flavor was intense. It was addictive - we ate every bit of that roast that wasn't charcoal!

I haven't tried to replicate this stunt, but maybe I should!

 

[Vermilion]

Sex

A one night stand with a woman I met while I was drunk. In the daylight I just didn't fancy her at all and there was no way I could get an erection.

Cooking

Grilling snake over a fire in rural Victoria, about 30 miles from the nearest road. The snake charred and dropped off the skewer. I didn't like the idea of eating it anyway, so I opened a tin of Spam.

Work

I was the duty officer at a Royal Navy Dockyard during a NATO exercise. A foreign (but NATO) warship came in to refuel. The only fuelling place available at that state of the tide was alongside a tanker discharging aviation fuel. I authorised the fuel depot to refuel the warship ACROSS the deck of the tanker. If there had been a spark from the metal fittings of the refuelling hoses the explosion and fire could have killed thousands of people. The foreign warship sent me a signal thanking me for my prompt and courteous action. I received a formal reprimand. They never told me what I SHOULD have done.

Friendship

Cleaning up after a mate when he had decided that his girlfriend's cooker was a toilet and getting blamed by her for the mess.

Stoned / Drunken Antics

Trying to separate my flatmates who supported Liverpool and Everton after a hardfought draw and ending up in the harbour supporting both of them. Neither could swim. I was arrested for being drunk and disorderly. They went to hospital to have their stomachs pumped out.

School Exams

Passing the Phys Ed practical with a B. I didn't attend the exam. The teacher said (years later) that I got a B because he hadn't noticed me - so I must have been reasonably competent but not outstanding.

Rude Behaviour to Random Strangers

Can't think of any.

Blonde Moments

Trying to speak Portuguese to a woman driving a car with PL plates. PL=Poland so she didn't understand me.

Unlawful Activity

See Stoned above and - experimenting with home made explosives. I, and friends made a sufficiently powerful bomb so that we destroyed an air-raid shelter (that the owner wanted removed but perhaps not so spectacularly and noisily). I did demur at a later exploit that proposed to create a mushroom cloud on the North Downs, South of London with 500 lbs of home made explosive. Some of my friends assembled the material on site before getting cold feet and informing the police anonymously that the bomb was in place.

Og

Wonderful. I hope my life sounds this exciting in retrospect in twenty odd years
x
V

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Blonde moment: Arriving in some town very late after a very long drive, looking for a hotel, and following the "H" signs. (The mean "Hospital.")

 

[feeeriek]

School Exams
Doing an Eenie, meenie, minee, mo on a university MCQ exam, because I thought random answers would get me a higher score than using my brain.

so did it work better than using your brain?

 

[oggbashan]

Blonde moment: Arriving in some town very late after a very long drive, looking for a hotel, and following the "H" signs. (The mean "Hospital.")

You could add:

Not noticing that you have reached 5,000 posts.

Congratulations!



Og

 

[Nirvanadragones]

so did it work better than using your brain?

I passed

 

[oggbashan]

I passed

That's dodging the question - presumably what you did during the exam.

Og

 

[Nirvanadragones]

That's dodging the question - presumably what you did during the exam.

Og

I didn't think anyone would notice.

Damn.

 

[wordofvirtue]

Sex
Screwing the chief of surgery at the hospital I worked at. He was about 4 foot 9 and 180#. He was pretty much despised by the entire nursing staff. I personally had no problem getting any order I needed

Cooking
That would be the time when the little plastic "diaper" on the bottom of the styrofoam meat tray stuck to the ham steak and went in the hot skillet. Scorched plastic smells oh so appetizing ...

Work
I got called to the office once for honestly writing what I thought of the new mandatory in services. I mean, they were the ones asking me! Can I help it if I thought it was the stupidest, most insulting thing I'd ever seen? The following year they were much happier about the outright lie, even though it was obviously sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek.

Friendship
I still feel bad about never speaking to my friend Ali again after she gave up custody of her daughter to keep the pedophile husband. But geez, I'm still at a total loss on that one.

Stoned / Drunken Antics
I was friends with a married couple. She made these drinks called "asskickers" which started with Everclear and went from there. Then they pulled out a big bag of BC bud. Had it not been for the videotapes, I never would have been able to guess why I couldn't move the next day. I didn't know my legs could go back and out that far ...... (those were the days....)

School Exams
The only tests I ever cheated on were in high school advanced math. It was the teacher's fault. She was the one who gave us the teacher's manual so we could check our work. Like we weren't supposed to notice that she used the exams in the back of that manual?????

Rude Behaviour to Random Strangers
I don't think we've ever been caught, but my daughter and I go to places like Walmart to look at the people and make rude comments about them.

Blonde Moments
I never have those. Does anyone know how to get white-out off the computer screen? I had to make some corrections to this post ....

Unlawful Activity
Aside from the aforementioned cannabis, I'm squeaky clean. No youthful vandalism, no trying to put lead slugs in the vending machines, nada, nothing, zip. Perhaps boring in some minds, but I'm on the RIGHT side of the bars at the county jail! Had to pass all kinds of background checks and fingerprinting and all that jazz for my job.

 

[oggbashan]

Wonderful. I hope my life sounds this exciting in retrospect in twenty odd years
x
V

All it takes is a willingness to try anything new that doesn't frighten the horses.

It does make life interesting but requires the ability to accept that you might end up looking stupid - again.

In 2006 I tried the following new things (apart from different types of writing):

Attending a course to present poetry on stage with multiple media and performing at the end of the course to a large audience.

Attending a course on how to fund art events (and learning nothing I didn't already know).

Campaigning for an open-air theatre.

Trying (and failing) to ride a unicycle.

Organising a museum exhibition.

and several other things that I won't mention because they might identify the RL me.

Og

 

[feeeriek]

ok am going to answer as i think of them and come back to edit if and when i think of/remember

Sex

Cooking
nothing really bad... or at least unedible...

Work
throwing things... hitting things....calling boss a fucking idiot

Friendship

Stoned / Drunken Antics
waking up vaguely remembering i need to use the toilet but not remembering finding it

School Exams
flunking out of university cause i didn't go to class or study
in other words i totally fucked up

Rude Behaviour to Random Strangers

Blonde Moments
asking where my glasses were... if i recall they were either on my head or in my hand at the time

Unlawful Activity
driving under the influence... speeding... the occasional pito(spliff)
assault...destruction of property

ok i think those are all i am going to answer... if i change my mind it will be edited

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

You could add:

Not noticing that you have reached 5,000 posts.

Congratulations!



Og

Holy cow! Thanks, but that might qualify as a really sustained blonde moment: Frittering away uncounted hours chit-chatting or engaging in purposeless political debates on Lit instead of being productive. I will say that maybe 1,000 of those posts had to do with making some really precious and worthwhile friends here.

OK, these are coming to me in randome snippets:

Sex: It's a sad story - my only experience with a "three way." It was in college. We were embarassed and immature, and it cost me a friend.

Illegal Actvity: I'm a libertarian, so I don't consider those to be legitimate laws. Therefore, none.

 

[Darla_Darling]

First of all, great thread Scheherazade!

Sex

The first, and only time I tried to go down on a girl I lasted about three seconds before I made a terrible face and said, "I don't like the taste." I know this makes me a very bad person.

Cooking

For some reason, I once thought that chili con carne with vanilla ice cream would be a good idea. It really, really wasn't.

Work

Sometimes, when I'm very bored at work I like to masturbate in the toilets. I haven't ever been caught.

Friendship

I have repeatedly, usually unsuccessful, attempted to sleep with almost all of my attractive male (and several of my female) friends.

Stoned / Drunken Antics

My 45-minute, drunken phone call (from a gutter) in which I and an 18-year-old female friend confessed our (obviously, highly transitory) undying passionate love for one another. She was clearly even drunker than me because she hasn't brought it up since.

School Exams

I always did well on exams.

Rude Behaviour to Random Strangers

Once, directly after I had an extremely harrowing, humiliating job interview, I screamed at the top of my lungs at a random spruiker who was trying to hand me a pamphlet to a gym, "I don't care! Go away!" I felt repentant afterwards and tried to apologize, but they were just nodding and backing away slowly by this point.

Unlawful Activity

I snuck into a movie theatre with my best friend, and we thought we had totally gotten away with it until about ten minutes into our film watching when a very irate ticket seller showed up with a security guard who escorted us out.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Sex

Cooking Like, I cook?

Work I procrastinate continuously

Friendship I'm awful. I'm totally loyal to my friends. But have no problem cutting them out completely without a second thought.

Stoned / Drunken Antics Which time

School Exams I never sweated Exams. Exams and grades were never important to me.

Rude Behaviour to Random Strangers I'm a total pro :d

Blonde Moments Don't have them

Unlawful Activity Speeding...constently

 

[RogueLurker]

Sex
I fell asleep. One minute, things are heating up quite nicely and both of us are enjoying ourselves and the next thing I know, there's a hand tapping me on my back and a voice below me asking "Sweetie, are you asleep? Can you move? It's a bit hard to breathe." Not a bad thing per se ... just embarassing. She thought it was cute.


Cooking
Early on in our relationship, we had my partner's best friends over for brunch. After raving about my cooking, I was already feeling nervous. So I turned on the oven to pre-heat and went out to the living room to socialize and make nice. Clouds billowing black noxious smoke started to spill from the kitchen. The previous night's styrofoam take out containers had been "stored" in the oven rather than taken out to the trash. They melt. The apartment stunk, and the smoke didn't want to disipate so we ended up going for dim sum instead. I never have made brunch for them. And I always look before I set the oven to pre-heat.

Work
Set my pager to go off in order to get out of conversations with co-workers or customers that were annoying or boring me.


Friendship
Walking away from someone I had been friends with for over 10 years. I don't regret the walking away. That was the best thing I ever could have done as it was not a good friendship. But I should have tried to get some resolution rather than just cutting off completely.


Stoned / Drunken Antics
After a pub crawl, I determined that one of my friends was so tanked that he needed my assistance to make it back to the car (we had a designated driver .. she was walking behind us, laughing her ass off at us). Why I thought this, I'll never know because I was probably in the same shape ... I swear the sidewalk was swerving. So I took him by the arm and "guided" him down the sidewalk, concentrating on keeping him from weaving into other pedestrians and off into the street ... and while doing so, I walked into a parking meter. There are several reasons I don't drink very much. This is one of them.


School Exams
In high school a bunch of us missed a Physics test because of some school function/meeting. So the teacher (who was an absolute anal retentive prick) had us write a make up test during the next class ... he took us into a seperate classroom and handed out the test. We all started working on it and about 10 minutes in, he stands up and tells us that he is leaving us on our own and walks out of the room, closing the door. We all sat there, stunned, and looked around at each other and then we all go back to writing the test in silence. Until one person said this is ridiculous ... once the silence was broken, we all started comparing answers and asking each other for help. I've always felt rather guilty about cheating ... but I passed the test.


Rude Behaviour to Random Strangers
When I was in University, I also worked nights. I was pretty much exhausted, coming home from school on the bus and an old woman got on the bus when there was standing room only. I swear I didn't notice at first, I was pretty much zoned out. But when I did, rather than getting up to give her my seat I just couldn't build up the energy and decided that there were 50 other people on the bus, they could give up their seats. Nobody did. We ended up getting off at the same transfer point and I'll always remember the look she gave me. From that point on, I've always given up my seat.


Blonde Moments
Too many to recount here.


Unlawful Activity
Hmmm .. it's only unlawful if you get caught, right?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sex Where do I start? I've lied, begged, and slipped people drugs to get them naked- back in the day, at lest. In defense, I never gave anyone any drugs without actually telling them about it first... and I never tried to hurt anyone.
But I did hurt someone badly. The single most transgressive thing I've ever done, I used in a story. It was the only way I could exorcise it. It's in "Jessamine". (warning, heavy S&M)
I've also gotten unwittingly involved in other people's marital problems, when someone fucked me as a way of doing dirt to their spouse. But I don't consider those my sins especially. I didn't know, usually. Honest! No, really, honest!

Cooking I used to be an excellent, intuitive cook. These days, my sin is not remembering to cook at all, and me with a family that depends on me!

Work Not backing down on matters of policy, to the extent that I am invited to leave. Also, someone mentioned masturbating in the toilets?

Friendship I almost never call anyone back. I apologise.

Stoned / Drunken Antics I don't get drunk or stoned very often. But, I found out years after the fact, it used to be common knowledge that I was a heroin addict, because most of my friends were. On the other hand, (see "Sex" above" I would often be the only person that remembered what they had done the night before...

School Exams never studying, and not always making it through. One time, in HighSchool, I wrote an essay for a friend of mine. He got a "C". I turned in the same essay the next semester and got an "A" I told the teacher that he'd graded Terry on it and given him a lower grade, and he said "Yes, I know." which I have to admit seemed pretty flattering...

Rude Behaviour to Random Strangers I was walking through the Frankfurt airport once, and some guy walked up to me talking in Italian (Which I barely comprehend) and gesturing at the level of his genitals. I responded "Va fa'cule" and staggered onward- I was pretty tired- and heard a lot of shouting behind me. Later it occured to me that the poor guy might have been simply asking the way to a terminal or such, and all Italians gesture, wherever their hand happens to be! I've always felt bad about that.

Blonde MomentsI still can't remember the difference between right and, um... left.

Unlawful Activity in a word, Limewire...

 

[Vermilion]

I've just thought of something which is related to this, but requires a new thread so as not to threadjack...
Come find it, it's called 'Where do you get off'... go figure!

x
V

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Sex: I can't really think of anything on this one. The only person I've had sex with is my husband.

Cooking: One of the first times I cooked a frozen pizza, I left the cardboard circle on the bottom when I put it in the oven (didn't know there was one.) My boyfriend of the time was there and I got quite a teasing over it.

Work: nothing I can think of

Friendship: I don't do bad things to my friends.

Stoned / Drunken Antics: never been either

School Exams: Only thing I can think of is during one of my science classes in high school, I usually spend the class reading a book instead of paying attention to the lecture. My teacher was aware but let me get away with it because I made straight A's on all the work.

Rude Behaviour to Random Strangers: Can't think of anything.

Blonde Moments: The pizza thing was a pretty blonde moment.

Unlawful Activity: speeding is pretty much it

Yes, I know. It's boring as hell.

 

[Elsie Grey]

Work - I wanted someone else's job. So I discredited them until I got it.

TheEarl thinks I should explain this as it makes me sound me and bitchy. That doesn't worry me as I can be mean and bitchy however he refuses to agree!

Basically, I transferred rooms at the nursery and the person in charge of the room wasn't very nice to me, refused to let me carry out any of my ideas and took credit for everything I did. So I worked extra hard to make myself look good did everything that my manager asked and was unfailingly nice and polite to the room leader. I did everything she asked but made sure my manager knew it was me doing all the legwork (I've always found it's a good idea to be nice to managers and secretaries). Eventually she got shipped out to another nursery in our chain and I got promotion. She has never forgiven me. Occasionally staff from my room go to that nursery to help out and she spends the whole day telling them how crap I am. One came back very upset and said what a cow she was to be so mean abput me when I made working in my room so much fun! I was touched.

Actually that nursery can set up a hate Elsie club as I recently got someone else who didn't get on with me shipped over there!

Elsie

xxx

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sex: I can't really think of anything on this one. The only person I've had sex with is my husband.

Cooking: One of the first times I cooked a frozen pizza, I left the cardboard circle on the bottom when I put it in the oven (didn't know there was one.) My boyfriend of the time was there and I got quite a teasing over it.

Work: nothing I can think of

Friendship: I don't do bad things to my friends.

Stoned / Drunken Antics: never been either

School Exams: Only thing I can think of is during one of my science classes in high school, I usually spend the class reading a book instead of paying attention to the lecture. My teacher was aware but let me get away with it because I made straight A's on all the work.

Rude Behaviour to Random Strangers: Can't think of anything.

Blonde Moments: The pizza thing was a pretty blonde moment.

Unlawful Activity: speeding is pretty much it

Yes, I know. It's boring as hell.

You know, your goody-two-shoes image is awfully appealing to me... Would you like some help in wrecking it?

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

You know, your goody-two-shoes image is awfully appealing to me... Would you like some help in wrecking it?

lol It's called growing up isolated in a small southern bible town... I've never really had the opportunity to live life on the wild side.

 

[Stella_Omega]

lol It's called growing up isolated in a small southern bible town... I've never really had the opportunity to live life on the wild side.

MMMM, those small-town girls...

 

[feeeriek]

lol It's called growing up isolated in a small southern bible town... I've never really had the opportunity to live life on the wild side.

growing up isolated in a small southern bible town is no excuse
i grew up in the middle of nowhere near such a place

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

growing up isolated in a small southern bible town is no excuse
i grew up in the middle of nowhere near such a place

I also had very strict parents and low self esteem, lol. (Which translates into no group of friends to hang out and get in trouble with and no guys knocking on my door.)