Your orgasm is not my problem.

[Que]

Eh... The thread title sounded clever to me but it's actually going to be a long ways to get to the punch line.

I was considering starting a thread titled something to the effect of "Things guys shouldn't say"....the above thread title however guys in certain circumstances perhaps should say.

The impetus of my post was a guy who was trying to be enthusiastic about someone else's pictures and he said, "You got me all worked up- now finish me off!"


It struck me as an especially dumb thing to say.

Assuming she does finish him off, what's in it for her? He rolls over go to sleep.

Now of course I realize a lot of people take pleasure in providing a happy ending for their partner.

For me that is the point of most sexual activity engage in. Getting better for me but I'm still somewhat an orgasmic it's difficult for me to get off if I'm not fairly connected to the person..

That said, if some girl said that to me I WOULD actually say "your orgasm is not my problem."

Because seriously, orgasms start inside your brain and that's your domain. I can nuture the environment in which you, your body and your brain might decide to have an orgasm.

I can provide sundry form of external stimuli which will cause synapses in your brain to fire on an involuntary basis but that doesn't guarantee an orgasm. For an orgasm to occur you have to accept a stimuli process it, and carefully balance delightful tension with being relaxed enough to let go.

Orgasms are intensely personal, and well not my problem unless I"m chasing one down for me.

 

[pplwatching]

I understand the context from whence you speak. However, as a considerate lover I never leave my lover needing to ask. I want to be the man who's very presence excites her, fills her senses, and inspires lust and a craving for sexual fulfillment. At that point the answer is, "How would you like to cum, my love?" whispered in her ear.

Besides, a tease that leaves me wanting more is .... delicious.

 

[LadyVer]

Interesting thread. I don't have much to add other than you have great attitudes.

 

[bailadora]

Intellectually, I understand where you're coming from. One can only help their partner so much and the rest of it is on them.

On an emotional level? I would be very hurt to be on the receiving end of a statement like that. Some women have such difficulty reaching orgasm to begin with and they don't need any negativity from their SO adding to stress of trying to get there (if that's the goal both partners are working towards).

While I'm not an-orgasmic, I'm also not one of those women who rapidly achieve orgasm either. My husband once said that getting me to orgasm is "an exercise in patience." He said it in a joking manner and he in no way meant to hurt my feelings. But, to be honest, he did. He apologized profusely when he realized this and it's never been mentioned again.

But on those occasions when I seem to be taking too long to get there, instead concentrating on what I need to do to achieve orgasm, I'm worried that he's getting tired and bored. He didn't mean to plant it, but it's a negative brain worm that rears its ugly head on occasion.

 

[unregistered]

 

[LadyVer]

I thought Query was saying something entirely different..Maybe I misread what he said.

 

[bailadora]

I thought Query was saying something entirely different..Maybe I misread what he said.

Or maybe I misinterpreted him. I guess the part of his post that struck a raw spot with me was this:

"That said, if some girl said that to me I WOULD actually say "your orgasm is not my problem."

I just don't think that's something someone who cares for their partner should ever say.

Baila, isn't it crazy how something like that imprints itself so permanently on your brain? I am still occasionally haunted by a comment my husband made many years ago (I was 18, he 21...we were young and inexperienced). He made a subtle comparison to something, clearly implying his first was better at this particular act, she was so enthusiastic and very good at it. Young me heard, "you are horrible at this; she was so much better." Did he intend this? No, he was young and stupid. Did it wound me? Yep. It will still rear its head every once in a great while, no matter how much I realize it shouldn't.

*nods*

It is crazy. And on those days it does flair up, I'm not sure how to make it shut the fuck up!

 

[blulilacgrl]

While I can see what you are saying, there is a line that needs to be walked there. Many people use this theory to justify being selfish lovers.

I wonder if perhaps maybe the better phrase could be ... I can be responsible for you not having an orgasm? I know that sounds like the same thing and I am having a hard time explaining exactly what I mean. [laughs] It might be because it is late and I am really tired.

I only mean that in the sense that someone who is uncaring and not concerned at all with their partner can be responsible for not taking the time to see to their partner's needs thus creating an environment that doesn't allow their partner to relax and enjoy the moment. Possibly? What do you think?

[laughs] Does that make any sense at all?

 

[pplwatching]

I thought Query was saying something entirely different..Maybe I misread what he said.

I believe that he was saying that there are some things that are self evident, truths if you will. When you pick up your cell phone, you know what it can do for you, and you don't use it unless you want it to do something for you. This is the equivalent of self centered demands of narcissistic love. You can use your phone to make calls and communicate, but your words and expressions come from you. The phone is just a tool to help you. It doesn't make you a poet or make your conversations heartwarming. You do that.

Beyond what he wrote lies Unconditional Love. While it is "true" that each of us has the seeds of our own sexual pleasure within us, sometimes it takes the gentle and patient touch of a lover to germinate and nurture them to grow into their beautiful potential. When we accept that tender nurture, we are at our most vulnerable. The ladies are expressing that sometimes we have to learn the hard way that by giving voice to "truths" our words have the power to hurt those that we profess to love. It doesn't matter that a lover is better or worse at any particular act. What matters is that we have the potential to accept our lover for who they are, and that we can grow with them to meet each other's needs.

I am not a good carpenter and have no vested interest in whether or not someone who is thinks my work is better or worse than work that they've seen before. When I craft a gift for my wife, I want her to be happy because part of myself and of my love for her has gone into making it. I am vulnerable to her acceptance or rejection of my gift. When I share my body, my faults, weaknesses, dreams, and fantasies with her and she accepts me for who I am, she completes me. Criticisms hurt when we're emotionally vulnerable, even when they're unintentional. I believe that the ladies are saying that the emotional depth of our relationship should change our view of the "truth".

Unconditional Love is a journey of personal growth, learning to be selfless in giving ourselves to our lover, and learning to treat their gift of themselves to us as the precious and perfect gift that it is.

 

[LadyVer]

Well, I know Query has a unique way of getting across his ideas. What I interpreted him saying was that men and women can both be hurt and it's not only women who get hurt by crass statements or expectations from their partners. Maybe Query will return to clarify...

 

[Isana]

I thought Query was saying something entirely different..Maybe I misread what he said.

I agree with this. What he's trying to say sounds entirely different from what people seem to be replying to. I'll try to explain how I understood this part-by-part.

Eh... The thread title sounded clever to me but it's actually going to be a long ways to get to the punch line.

I was considering starting a thread titled something to the effect of "Things guys shouldn't say"....the above thread title however guys in certain circumstances perhaps should say.

He starts off with implying that there are some things that people shouldn't say, because they're rude, inconsiderate, or some other reason. However, there are circumstances where being upfront about things is probably what people should do. For example, the photo owner should probably say something in this situation...

The impetus of my post was a guy who was trying to be enthusiastic about someone else's pictures and he said, "You got me all worked up- now finish me off!"

There's this guy who was admiring someone's pictures in what I assume to be an amateur pic thread or something like that. He ends up telling the owner of the photos something like "since you got me worked up, it's your responsibility to finish me off."

It struck me as an especially dumb thing to say.

Assuming she does finish him off, what's in it for her? He rolls over go to sleep.

So what happens when the photo owner does do him a favor by getting him off? What's in it for him/her? They're practically strangers, and for some people, putting the effort to bring some random stranger to orgasm is pleasurable, but for others, it isn't.

Now of course I realize a lot of people take pleasure in providing a happy ending for their partner.

For me that is the point of most sexual activity engage in. Getting better for me but I'm still somewhat an orgasmic it's difficult for me to get off if I'm not fairly connected to the person..

That said, if some girl said that to me I WOULD actually say "your orgasm is not my problem."

So it could by something like, "No, sorry. We barely know each other. Bringing you to orgasm after you got worked up by my photos is not my responsibility. You can do that by yourself, thank you very much."

Because seriously, orgasms start inside your brain and that's your domain. I can nuture the environment in which you, your body and your brain might decide to have an orgasm.

I can provide sundry form of external stimuli which will cause synapses in your brain to fire on an involuntary basis but that doesn't guarantee an orgasm. For an orgasm to occur you have to accept a stimuli process it, and carefully balance delightful tension with being relaxed enough to let go.

Orgasms are intensely personal, and well not my problem unless I"m chasing one down for me.

For the OP, orgasms aren't something he'd just give out just because he worked someone up with erotic photos of himself posted in a public thread for everyone's enjoyment. The photo owner is under no responsibility to further provide the appreciator stimuli or direct action to finish him off, especially when the appreciator states that in an imperative manner. That's the appreciator's problem. "Your orgasm is not my problem."

I assumed some things, but this is how I understood it. I hope this makes sense. If I'm wrong somewhere, just point it out.

 

[LadyVer]

I agree with this. What he's trying to say sounds entirely different from what people seem to be replying to. I'll try to explain how I understood this part-by-part.

He starts off with implying that there are some things that people shouldn't say, because they're rude, inconsiderate, or some other reason. However, there are circumstances where being upfront about things is probably what people should do. For example, the photo owner should probably say something in this situation...

There's this guy who was admiring someone's pictures in what I assume to be an amateur pic thread or something like that. He ends up telling the owner of the photos something like "since you got me worked up, it's your responsibility to finish me off."

So what happens when the photo owner does do him a favor by getting him off? What's in it for him/her? They're practically strangers, and for some people, putting the effort to bring some random stranger to orgasm is pleasurable, but for others, it isn't.

So it could by something like, "No, sorry. We barely know each other. Bringing you to orgasm after you got worked up by my photos is not my responsibility. You can do that by yourself, thank you very much."

For the OP, orgasms aren't something he'd just give out just because he worked someone up with erotic photos of himself posted in a public thread for everyone's enjoyment. The photo owner is under no responsibility to further provide the appreciator stimuli or direct action to finish him off, especially when the appreciator states that in an imperative manner. That's the appreciator's problem. "Your orgasm is not my problem."

I assumed some things, but this is how I understood it. I hope this makes sense. If I'm wrong somewhere, just point it out.

That makes a lot ot sense.

 

[blulilacgrl]

That makes a lot ot sense.

Holy Crap! That does make a lot of sense. I was thinking and coming at it from a different angle, from the notion of intimate partners. But I have to say I absolutely hate the notion that anybody is on this board to serve as someone's personal, little living, breathing, sex doll. Grrrrr.... drives me crazy!

 

[LadyVer]

Holy Crap! That does make a lot of sense. I was thinking and coming at it from a different angle, from the notion of intimate partners. But I have to say I absolutely hate the notion that anybody is on this board to serve as someone's personal, little living, breathing, sex doll. Grrrrr.... drives me crazy!

I hear you and I think the most relevant thing Query talks about is the issue about emotional connection, which leads me to say I think it's a unrealistic to pm a stranger on Lit and expect them to roll over and provide you a sexual favor after one pm or even 30 minutes of conversation when you have no idea who is on the other end.

 

[pplwatching]

Ha. I guess I've just been married too long to think in terms of amateur pic banter

 

[blulilacgrl]

Ha. I guess I've just been married too long to think in terms of amateur pic banter

Hey, I was right there with you. Although I too have been married too damn long.[laughs]

It wasn't until Isana posted that I thought of a few friends of mine who have a threads over there. And Query and Isana are right. They get rude comments all the time and the expectation is that because they post pictures of themselves, well they are there to "service" the people who visit their threads. To be fair not everyone is like that. But there is always at least one assmunch in the crowd.

I have to say, while I admire their daring and the ability to put themselves out there by posting pics. I don't envy the amount of asshattery they sometimes have to put up with.

 

[Isana]

I'm glad my post ended up clearing some confusion, because I totally agree with what query said.

 

[Que]

Intellectually, I understand where you're coming from. One can only help their partner so much and the rest of it is on them.

On an emotional level? I would be very hurt to be on the receiving end of a statement like that. Some women have such difficulty reaching orgasm to begin with and they don't need any negativity from their SO adding to stress of trying to get there (if that's the goal both partners are working towards).

While I'm not an-orgasmic, I'm also not one of those women who rapidly achieve orgasm either. My husband once said that getting me to orgasm is "an exercise in patience." He said it in a joking manner and he in no way meant to hurt my feelings. But, to be honest, he did. He apologized profusely when he realized this and it's never been mentioned again.

But on those occasions when I seem to be taking too long to get there, instead concentrating on what I need to do to achieve orgasm, I'm worried that he's getting tired and bored. He didn't mean to plant it, but it's a negative brain worm that rears its ugly head on occasion.

Oh I very much relate to your situation Dora.

( Keep in mind the premise for my statement would be if in the unlikely event that some woman was demanding I give her one... not very likely since the last time I had an orgasm with another human being was Christmas Eve in last time that I gave someone else one was New Years Eve)

I had a very similar experience for years I took Prozac which made me damn near an orgasmic. I was married at the time and my wife would get frustrated it took me so long to get off because she wanted to get me off I would patiently explain that I was perfectly okay stopping when she was content, and that sex was very much worth while to me even on the Cajuns when I just couldn't quite get there. ( We actually harmed no Cajuns in the making of love... it was supposed to read o'kaysions but the voice to text was so funny I decided to leave it in.)

Instead she withdrew.

I'm glad you were able to see the title for the provocation it was meant to be.

I'm glad you have a husband who despite his insensitive error has learned from that and not repeated it.

When you suggest that he might be getting bored or tired...as one who has has once chased an orgasm with a partner for over 10 hours (including naps of course- she was most insistent that I have 1) I was indeed very tired I was in fact quite frustrated but I was never bored. Interestingly the next night she was little drunk and and not as attentive and I managed to get off just by concentrating on being in the moment in under 10 minutes.

Orgasms are elusive things and it is not a defect if it's difficult to achieve one..it just makes the ones you do acheive mean more.

I kind of feel that my ex who had lots of multiple orgasms didn't fully appreciate them... while to passive aggressive way would she withhold sex from me when it's unlikely I was going to have an orgasm and she was going to have several. Who was she punishing you exactly?

I like a lot of men or women for that matter did enjoy influencing her orgasms.... since acheiving one was too easy a goal, I always aimed for intensity. If her vocalization is disturb the neighbors, or her legs shake too much to stand, I counted that in the win column.

Yeah truth be told like any guy I keep track of the orgasms that I feel like I "gave" women.

In my personal case I actually would prefer that women take the attitude above.. I wish that they would not consider their problem... let me get there if I get there in my own way.

I sometimes think it's more difficult for an orgasmic man because society suggested man get off every time therefore many women with a man who is an orgasmic often feel inadequate and un-sexy... and that sucks for all involved.

 

[Que]

Well this little thread took on a life of its own didn't it? I only got as far as Dora's post- it struck a chord me so I went on my little long winded reply. Before I read any of the rest.

The meaning of the post if it had 1 at all Started in my ADHD fueled brain Originally to be a thread about dumb stuff guy say that not only may not be received well that isn't going to get them what they want.

Free associating to gather my thoughts (in such a limited delightfully disorganized way as I do), I thought that the woman poster should tell the guy what ended up being the title to the thread.

I just thought that would make a really really provocative title for a thread... but since it wasn't actually in line with the original premise for the thread that I was starting to form I kind of cobble together a couple of different unrelated thoughts and made a bit of an unholy union of the two.

That said, I really like the verying directions of this thread was starting to take and I wanted to take each of them up point by point but it's far beyond the capacity of the late hour And the technologically adeptness of my smartphone. Plus when actually take my adderall I have found that that kind of screws up erectile function slightly and when I correct that with a viagara I find that makes me an orgasmic hence the vicious cycle. And since I'm on my 7 days off. And might just try to get laid this quarter in between going to see my kids, I'm off the reservation medication wise.

I will definitely check back in with some specific responses when I can get a laptop over my erection causd by the intellectual discussions above.

I posted here because the how to crew has always been a little more interesting to me intelectually ( followed closely to my surprise by the BDSM crowd)

You guys did not disappoint.

I have noticed though probably because there aren't that many people who frequent the how did the cafe lies stagnant at times... visitors to how to our kind of hit and run they come ask a question get a little help in leave never to return until they need some help again.

I tend to avoid how to when im in a surly mood because you guys usually call me on my s***... and the BDSM crowd I have to be in the mood whack a b***.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Some of my readers feel entitled to a cum with every story, cuz they send me nasty-grams when the story content fails to float their boat. And everyone has a gripe about something: story too short, too many stories, stories are implausible, etc. I suspect that a chunk of the problem is other writers wanting to deflate my narcissism. Cant be done, its as firm and big as God's cock.

That said, and no one will ever believe it who hasnt experienced it, I groove on being hospitable and your obedient servant. Nothing is too much or too much trouble for your satisfaction if I'm your host. And that goes double in bed. The plan is to fly you to the Moon and let you play among the stars, however it works for you. Wanna screw atop the table at Sonnys Barbecue? Not a problem! Wanna screw in the parish kitchen when the parish hall is fulla people? Your way right away! If it takes you all night to orgasm, I got the time for you.

That said, too, some women make the work tough with poor or no hygiene, or they spend all of dinner talking about the guy who refused to let them in when they flew to Atlanta to be with him. I pretend its enchanting, hang on every word, and send them on their way with a full belly. One woman spent all of dinner literally sobbing about the man who dumped her. I was all compassion and concern, fed her, and sent her home, too. I prefer the gals who wanna rip my clothes off.

 

[NightL]

I groove on being hospitable and your obedient servant. Nothing is too much or too much trouble for your satisfaction if I'm your host.

...but what if you are a guest? We are all really guests here. It appears, based on the bulk of your postings since you dumped yourself on the How To..., you have very different standards of being a guest compared to your surprising comments about being a host.

Just being real - yet again.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

...but what if you are a guest? We are all really guests here. It appears, based on the bulk of your postings since you dumped yourself on the How To..., you have very different standards of being a guest compared to your surprising comments about being a host.

Just being real - yet again.

I dont buy the premise that youre the host. Last I checked Laurel is the host.

Long life impressed upon me the certain understanding that kissing a bully's ass never helps. What helps is hitting his nose as hard as I can, then offer friendship or another fist.

 

[NightL]

I dont buy the premise that youre the host. Last I checked Laurel is the host.

We are all really guests here.

Just being real - yet again

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Just being real - yet again

I learned life's most important lesson at 3: DONT PISS ON AN ELECTRIC FENCE.

 

[NightL]

I learned life's most important lesson at 3: DONT PISS ON AN ELECTRIC FENCE.

sadly for the fence - it appeared you enjoyed it... and it is now well and truly rusted through

If I was to accept a grain of truth about your continual self validity statements of education, qualifications and ancient life long experiences in pursuit and conquest - yet appearing not to have life partner (surprising? not) then I am going to offer a suggestion... As the premise of How To... is that people ask questions concerning sexuality or indeed about anything and that a discussion forum may give some positive feedback and or guidance - oh fuck it -why are you so bloody negative about everything. To be honest you come across as a miserable bore - and of course that is what you play on... but really get over it...

Why am I even bothering? I am giving you the benefit of a lot of collective doubt... offer constructive and positive suggestions... and please - please stop trying to validate your responses with "I recall" - "During my time as a nuclear physicist..."

I actually believe there is a real person there somewhere - please let him come to the fore.