Your opinion please

[Georgia Girl]

I know that there are many parents on these boards and currently I am in a quandry and would like the honest opinions of each of you. Here is the situation.

On Sept. 26 my divorce was final. On Dec. 6 my ex is getting married. Yes, that is rather rapid and yes the relationship existed while we were married but is not what ended the marriage.

In the time since the divorce that my 4 yr old son spends with his father he has come home tired every time from not remaining on his schedule (staying up late, not taking his nap, etc.), singing vulgar limmericks (which he says the ex's g/f taught him), cries every time he has to go with his father, and so forth and so on. You get the picture.

Ex would like son at the wedding (idiot expects me to come to the wedding and bring him and then take him home). Son does not want to go and I am feeling frazzeled.

Help please, and divorced fathers I would especially like to hear from you.

Thank you for your help with finding peace with this in my mind.

 

[Georgia Girl]

PM reply is fine

I appreciate it

 

[ranajja]

here's my 2 cents

In the time since the divorce that my 4 yr old son spends with his father he has come home tired every time from not remaining on his schedule (staying up late, not taking his nap, etc.), singing vulgar limmericks (which he says the ex's g/f taught him), cries every time he has to go with his father, and so forth and so on. You get the picture.

First of all, this is not healthy for your son. Start keeping a log of all of this. We did, and when it came time to go to court for custody, (my husband's children) and I handed our log to our lawyer, he said, "Oh, I just love clients like you." We have custody, btw.

Ex would like son at the wedding (idiot expects me to come to the wedding and bring him and then take him home). Son does not want to go and I am feeling frazzeled.

And just who is supposed to be watching your son at the wedding if you're not going to be there? Unless it's someone that you absolutely trust to keep an eye on him, I'd keep him home. IMO, this is too much too soon for your boy. Find an excuse to keep him home.

Good luck. I know whereof you speak. It will probably get worse before it gets better--but it will get better.

 

[Georgia Girl]

Thank you

I do in fact already have a log of each time there is an occurance whether it is him bringing son home an hour after he is supposed to be there, leaving me waiting to pick son up at a specified location for extended periods of time, telling him Santa does not exist and so forth. He is a real treasure. As for who would be watching son, I can't really say that I trust any of his family to do so, which would mean me going to the wedding. I am just not seeing that happen.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

I think you have your son's best interests at heart and you seem to know what is good or bad for him, and you have that well in hand, so I will not address that.

I am a divorced father of a daughter. I am going to give you the perspective from the father's point of view. First, whether his father lets him stay up late, or his GF teaches him vulgar limmericks has little to do with whether he should go to the wedding or not. In the big picture, it is a lot more important that he spend time with his father than relatively minor infractions in his upbringing.

I am guessing that he gets to see his father maybe once every other weekend at best. As such, the father probably wants to maximize his time with his son and as such your son is worn out when he comes home. If it isn't happening all the time, like every night of the week, then once in a while does not justify seeking the greater harm of keeping him away from his father.

From the father's perspective it will seem like you are holding your son back from attending the wedding, even if you aren't. When my ex told me that my daughter didn't want to come to Xmas, etc. with me, when that was a very special family time for me and my daughter. Then I never knew whether it was because my ex hated my guts, or my daughter truly didn't want to come.

Come to find out my ex had not too subtly influenced my daughter for years as to how she felt about me and my family (this according to my daughter who is now very close to me and somewhat estranged from her mother). My ex had convinced my daughter that she shouldn't want to come with me, especially to any family function.

While this caused some arguments and hurt feelings, I usually caved in - because I had not real pull, and I didn't want to force my daughter.

Tell me - have you made any effort to gently convince you son to go to the wedding, telling him how important it would be to his father? Or have you just let your 4 year old son have his way because it coincided with your feelings?

Of course young children often don't want to go to such gatherings - I hate many of them now as an adult. But ask yourself, if this was somebody else's wedding where you didn't have all the emotional baggage of an ex, and it really mattered to them that your son attend - would you not try to convince him to go? I am not saying force him to go - but he is a four year old after all, and they can use a little adult guidance.

If you can convince him to go without force, and he can safely go, even if he pigs out on cake and is worn out and cranky later, let him go. If you can't force yourself to go to take care of your son, the find someone somewhere in the wedding party that you trust and who is willing. Really, with all the adults there I find it hard to believe that there are none that can't watch out for his interests.

 

[Georgia Girl]

I have never and would never try and come between my son and his father. When he and I are talking regarding his father I do not say anything negative to him. I encourage him to want to spend time with his father and go to great lengths to maintain a happy perspective regarding the visits.

I have tried to talk to him about going to the wedding, bought him a suit to wear to the wedding but still he is adamant that he does not want to go. I as a parent find it very difficult on my heart to forcefully hand a screaming, crying child to someone he does not want to go to.

As for his time with his father, that is liberal, which is the way we choose it to be. He gets off work at 2 and by 2:30 son is done at school, he is free to pick him up any day of the week and I will pick him up when I leave work at 5 but he chooses not to do so. New wife has 5 children and his time is taken with them. The limmericks and the schedule are only examples of the whole. Yes, I will admit that on my part there is anger, such as the example of telling him that Santa did not exist, to me this is cruel to do to a child this small.

If as you say, he is letting him stay up and such because he wants to spend more time with him, why should this be at my expense? This child happens to be one of the ones who thrives on routine, when you break that routine he is cranky, ill tempered, does not want to eat and generally stays that way until the rountine is re-established which takes a few days.

I appreciate you taking the time to give me the point of view of a divorced father and realize that it is not easy to place your wounds in full view of others. It is not an easy situation to contend with and it is also hurtful on many levels.

Thank you.
GG