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Xmas Presents

God and a some of his mates were having a few beers in a bar on the rings of a planet orbiting Andromeda, it was the usual pre-universal Christmas piss up. As usual, they had turned to arguing over the merits of the various souls, beasts and hairy tentacle things they had used to populate planets over the Millennia. Zeus maintained that his hairy tentacle things were by far the most stupid thing he had ever created, couldn’t spot a good thing if it came up and grabbed them by the tentaculum. God insisted that humans’ capacity for invention and discovery mixed with an inane concept of self-destruction marked them out as by far the most stupid beings ever to populate a planet.

They had a wager – Thor held the purse – each would populate a new planet with each of their species and see which was the most stupid. They agreed to meet back at the bar in a couple of tens of thousands of years – give ‘em chance to develop, evolve a bit.

So here we are, pre-universal Christmas at a bar on an outer ring of a planet orbiting Andromeda. God was full of it, accepting pats on the back from all and sundry. Zeus came in, face black as thunder. Hoots of derision went up from the immortals assembled around God.
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“See” God boomed, “I told you humans would get to Extreme Ironing before your lot.”


I just have to ask the question. Why?

Will's
 
I'm an extremely lapsed Catholic but last night I said my first prayer in years:

Lord, I beg you, for all humanity's sake, do not let Extreme Ironing reach Venice.

Perdita
 
perdita said:
Lord, I beg you, for all humanity's sake, do not let Extreme Ironing reach Venice.
Click to expand...

Perhaps He heard you, Perdita...I checked the site today and didn't find any E.I. activity in Venice. However, the G. B. Speluncking Society Extreme Ironing team is doing some deep crevasse suspension work with a folding portable board and a Rowenta that makes me damned claustrophobic.
 
Grazie, ella. Should you hear of any E.I. in Venezia, do not tell me.

Perdita
 
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Grazie again, ella. I love this deep thought:

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

Perdita
 
Deep Thoughts from Jack Handy

To hell with the link. Here are the most inspirational ones:

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I wentto the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If you ever drop your car keys in red-hot lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.

I bet if you ever achieve total enlightenment while drinking beer, it'll make beer come out of your nose.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

As the tapdancer begin to dance faster and faster, I couldn't help wondering: will Man ever break the "tap barrier?" Will his legs fall off?

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

A good way to get someone to dig you a flower bed is to tell the police there are human bodies buried in your back yard. The problem is, they don't dig just where you tell them to

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
 
big bad chinese mama

Just remembered this site, love it. - Perdita

Her Manifesto title:

Resistance as Living: Giving Revolution a Sense of Humor

or

Why I Tricked Thousands of Nasty Porn Seeking Guys to Come to my Fake Mail Order Bride Site, Only to Get a Fist in Their Face

Click on Bitchy Kat
 
shereads said:
To hell with the link. Here are the most inspirational ones:
Click to expand...
Some of these observations simply cry out for answers!

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Click to expand...
There is no accurate definition, because "mankind" is actually an oxymoron.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
Click to expand...
Oh, That? That's my old maid aunt, Aunt Sophie!

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
Click to expand...
As usual, California is slightly ahead of the curve, on this trend, too.
 
Great links everyone. Unfortunately, I don't have any to add, since even on the net it seems that I don't get out much. :(
 
Little late on this, but I thought I would add mine.


Literal meaning
"Shall never be called on to join a student band."

History
Brought into being by atmospheric disturbance in a fit of terror, the name CrimsonMaiden was originally used exclusively to refer to those who worked in the hills building things out of hills, before it was bullied at school.

Famous CrimsonMaidens
1. CrimsonMaiden A Trabmaw, director of the new Bond movie, SILVERY DEATH-DOOM; first holder of the office of Royal Plumber's Mate;
2. CrimsonMaiden Tidecatcher, reputedly trapped for nine days under a fallen monument to the nightmare cupboard;
3. CrimsonMaiden Sponetote, who could never shake an early association with the everlasting trouser;
4. CrimsonMaiden Millington, of the generation which fondly remembers the self-aware vacuum cleaner; ghost-writer of Jerry Desmonde's poorly bound autobiography, DOCTOR! THE FORCEPS!;
5. CrimsonMaiden T E O O'Ach-Happenstance, RN, who's never forgotten quicklime dental cleanser;
6. CrimsonMaiden P Lonfial ("The Uncanny"), populariser of the indestructible tortoise; ghost-writer of The St Winifred's School Choir's generally tolerated autobiography, TOOT-A-TWANG-TWANG;
7. CrimsonMaiden Tube-Boonk, haunted by an image of Explode-O, the wonder bang dismantler;
8. CrimsonMaiden Dots, exposed in the press as having swapped a child for demanding money with menaces;
9. CrimsonMaiden Frewsy ("The Pale"), belittler of paroxysms of fright;
10. CrimsonMaiden Nightdodge, named in court as holding compromising material concerning a nice cup of tea.

Typical CrimsonMaiden motto
"No."

Real name: Julie

Literal meaning
"Look! It's four sheep!." (think that one is more fitting for MG)

History
Killing four and withering all crops for a mile when first read out from a newly discovered sliver of parchment in a rush, the name Julie was originally used sotto voce to refer to the dead, before losing two vowels in the wash.

Famous Julies
1. Judge Julie Frote-Frewsy, reputedly trapped for twenty-eight days under a fallen monument to static electricity;
2. Julie O'Lonfial, of the generation which fondly remembers the concept of acceptable losses;
3. Julie Proms-Ach, who could never shake an early association with the Bakelite Diet; first holder of the office of Country's Most Secret Spy;
4. Julie du Happenstance, co-habitee of seven people associated with various messiahs later purchased by major world religions;
5. Julie P Oaf ("The Uncanny"), co-writer of INDIANA JONES AND THE AFTERNOON AT THE HAIRDRESSER'S; first holder of the office of London and Home Counties Chief Dawdler;
6. Julie Millington-Staplegun, who discovered Elvis impersonator impersonators;
7. Julie de la Quoits, channeller under supernatural influences of edible bark;
8. Julie L Nivea, champion of the evaporating duck;
9. Julie V Macaulay, belittler of Tramp Drink;
10. Inspector Julie Tidecatcher, PhD ("The Blue"), indifferent to an ice sculpture of Hugh Scully.

Typical Julie motto
"You can't make an omelette, you're useless."
 
This feels a lot like presenting someone with a link to IBM --- but, just in case anyone has not run across it:

Go See [Hear] THE CLASSICAL MUSIC ARCHIVE

They mention a $25.00 a year subscription, but you can download five [5] files a day without subscribing.
 
An erotic link to...Literotica!

One day recently, I accidentally stumbled into the BDSM Cafe while looking for the Barnes & Noble Cafe...and I found this thread. The first approx FIFTY posts are images from a gorgeous - and dark! - series of paintings on the theme of Asian rope bondage.

These are exquisitely beautiful, but not for the squeamish. In fact, I'd feel a lot better about this series if these Doms would give the lady a break after every third or fourth picture, to get a massage and have a bubble bath.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=211328
 
Aaeeeeeiiigghhhhh !!!!


The Bush Aerobics link from dpanties should have carried a "split out coffee first" warning.

I didn't laugh out loud until I tried it with Music: A and Move: Hips

It's his little purse-lipped "serious face" that makes this baby rock.

Thank you, dpanties. (My dry cleaning bill is on the way.)

:D
 
shereads said:
Aaeeeeeiiigghhhhh !!!!


The Bush Aerobics link from dpanties should have carried a "split out coffee first" warning.

I didn't laugh out loud until I tried it with Music: A and Move: Hips

It's his little purse-lipped "serious face" that makes this baby rock.

Thank you, dpanties. (My dry cleaning bill is on the way.)

:D
Click to expand...

I won't have a dry cleaning bill thanks to reading sheread's warning prior to opening it!

Whisper :rose:
 
shereads said:
Aaeeeeeiiigghhhhh !!!!


The Bush Aerobics link from dpanties should have carried a "split out coffee first" warning.

I didn't laugh out loud until I tried it with Music: A and Move: Hips

It's his little purse-lipped "serious face" that makes this baby rock.

Thank you, dpanties. (My dry cleaning bill is on the way.)

:D
Click to expand...

The Music: B and Move: Rotate did it for me. Though Hips comes a close second. :D
 
Quasimodem said:
This feels a lot like presenting someone with a link to IBM --- but, just in case anyone has not run across it:

Go See [Hear] THE CLASSICAL MUSIC ARCHIVE

They mention a $25.00 a year subscription, but you can download five [5] files a day without subscribing.
Click to expand...

I did not run across it. The rest of the links is great fun, but this is a real present.
:kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
Thank you very much.
 
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