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Xmas Presents

Dead Pet Stencils and 90-Grain Bread

I received this book as a gift years ago and can highly recommend it to fans and non-fans of "The Dominatrix of Domesticity."

It's a beautifully authentic parody, with two stand-out photos: Martha ("Stuart" not "Stewart," to keep it sorta legal) re-assembling the branches of a Christmas tree with a glue gun "to achieve the perfect pyramid shape that nature never gets quite right" and Martha on Easter morning, greeting a fluffy lamb with a sweet smile on her face and a hatchet behind her back.

cover:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/006...447-3330462?_encoding=UTF8&p=S001#reader-link

table of contents 1 (includes "making water" and "the perfect log pile")

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/006...447-3330462?_encoding=UTF8&p=S002#reader-link

excerpt:

STENCILED DRIVEWAY

"Art, we know, often imitates life. So that when some chicks wandered across the driveway from the Maison de Poulet and were accidentally run over with a Range Rover (honestly, I didn't see them), I cried, then was immediately inspired to immortalize the chicks by tracing their outline and stenciling the dead-chick pattern, left, on the black-top.

"Take a recently deceased pet, any pet. After it has been sufficienty flattened, use a piece of chalk to draw its form on the driveway or other surface. Then lay tracing paper over the chalk form, re-outline with a Number 9 pencil and transfer the new outline to stiff cardboard. Cut out the pattern. Repeat up one side of driveway and down the other.

Continue onto street..."
 
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For The Tied of Tongue

Have you ever struggled against adversity, and just when you wished most fervently to give your personal nemesis a verbal finger, were struck dumb?

You had reached for the mot just – even the mot unjust – but instead proved yourself just motley?

I hereby present you with my Christmas Gift for all the tongue-tied Litigants.

Recovered from the bowels of my hard drive, echoing down from the corridors of past USENET passages, I gift you with the SHAKESPEARIAN INSULT GENERATOR.

With this dubious artifact, you may construct insults as densely packed with invective as a beauty pageant loser's interview, while remaining as impenetrable as the language of a Samuel Goldwyn, or a Yogi Berra.

I give you the SHAKESPEARIAN INSULT GENERATOR.

Merry Christmas!
 
Quasi, that's so helpful. Thank you.

I vote for a new MG dictionary of Shakespearian insults. :D
 
I second that.

First entry could be:

Thou artless sheep-biting flap-dragon

:D
 
Okay. I saw in another thread somewhere about giant fake breasts, so I had to make my contribution to the christmas sites lists. Here it is, the Silicon Challenge! How well can YOU tell the real from the fake?

The Silicon Challenge

Whisper :rose:
 
whispering_surrender said:
Okay. I saw in another thread somewhere about giant fake breasts, so I had to make my contribution to the christmas sites lists. Here it is, the Silicon Challenge! How well can YOU tell the real from the fake?

The Silicon Challenge

Whisper :rose:
Click to expand...

Scored 17 out of 20. What does that say about me?

Og
 
damppanties said:
I vote for a new MG dictionary of Shakespearian insults. :D
Click to expand...
There are books that have pulled together Shakespeare's insults (and lewd expressions). Not even Maths could do more than juggle them about. Just read the originals.

Perdita

p.s. so many people spell it wrong, it's Shakespearean
 
perdita said:
Hint: It's the nipples that are most revealing.

Perdita
Click to expand...
Thanks, Perdita, I'll keep that in mind. Of course, I have found nipples to be decent indicators of the ambient temperature.:D

Dee
 
Mhari, thank you!

You just solved my Christmas card dilemma. I saw yours and loved it and subscribed and sent them to my entire list, with the exception of some older people who don't have e-mail and they'll just have to wait for Arbor Day when I finally get the snail-mail cards out.

I used to think that e-cards were a lame substitute for the real thing, but these are beautiful.

:rose:
 
dee1124 said:
Thanks, Perdita, I'll keep that in mind. Of course, I have found nipples to be decent indicators of the ambient temperature.:D

Dee
Click to expand...

On a cold day, it can be up to a half inch on the nipple-rometer....

Whisper :rose:
 
"It’s natural for a chipmunk to explore his own sexuality."

For Colleen and all who remember the Alvin & The Chipmunks Christmas Album with nostalgia (and their groundbreaking single "Witchdoctor" with a music lover's reverence) here's the unauthorized website "Alvin & the Chipmunks: Behind the Music."

In this particularly poignant excerpt about the boys' lives after their heyday, lead vocalist Alvin talks about the touring band he started in 1972, "John Q. Public and the Original Mod Squad."

Alvin: We never made it big but it wasn’t about that. It was about sleeping in vans and waking up next to ugly chicks with a lazy eye and puking in your own shoe. That was what rock and roll symbolized to me. And I’m proud to say that we were the only band, at least that I’ve ever heard of, that toured the whole country without once writing a song. Not one note of music ever written down or committed to memory. Now that’s something special.

Divided, on the subject of their "comeback" Saturday morning children's tv show:

Theodore: I liked the craft service. They had cold cuts on crackers. Crackers! Those were crazy times, man. Crazy times.

Alvin: Simon used to joke that we were a glorified version of Josie and the Pussycats. He had it wrong. We were different cause we were from the street.

Where are they now?

Dave (the band's original manager): Sometimes I think about how short life expands and how vast the universe...no, wait. How vast life expands...No.

Theodore: Basically right now, my life consists of cutting albums, baking and changing Dave’s pants.

Simon: Would I ever tour with them again? Sure. If Alvin came to me and said we were gonna tour once for old time’s sake, just us, I’d do it...The problem really is that Alvin seems to think he’s Axl Rose. I think he even changed the spelling of his name.

Alvyn: Right now I’m working on a remixed album of all our old classics. Moby has agreed to help me when he’s done selling all of his songs to automobile ad agencies. I’ve talked with him a few times on the phone and I left a message, and I can tell there’s real chemistry there. The music speaks for itself. I still believe that.

http://www.angelfire.com/music3/behind/
 
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http://www.markfiore.com/


This is a present to all my friends here, especially those with a liberal bent whom I may have offended. The flash cartoons are wickedly funny and Lampoon the current administration mercilessly.

Enjoy :)

-Colly
 
The two-party slap-fest on the home page is worth celebrating.

Thanks, Colleen. I hope you're as moved as I was by the Chipmunks story. It's a shame about Dave; thank God he has Theodore.
 
Yes, it's a terrible shame. But you know how it is with those boy bands, they always turn out so badly after the fame is gone :(

-Colly
 
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