Writing Tips?

[bookkid]

I am starting to write my first story, can anyone offer tips on writing style before I get too far into it? I'd rather make changes now while it is quick instead of waiting until the entire story is done.


The Resort

Ring, ring, ring. After an incredibly hard week, You are awaken on Sunday morning to the phone. Damnit. "Hello?". A woman in a far to cheery voice responds, "Congratulations you have won a" CLICK. Yeah, sure, not likely... I'm going back to sleep. Just as you settle back in under the covers that damn phone rings again. "Hello?" "Sorry, we must have gotten disconnected, I am calling to award you with a 1 week dream vacation". Awake now, you decide to play along. "okay, how did I win?", she cheerily responds "You entered your name in our online sweepstakes last month, our contest is cross-promoted with many websites, I see here your entry came through on October 7th at 2:17am from our partner, ummm, shemale fantasy dot com".

Now awake and embarrassed, your face turns red and you struggle to respond. The cheery gal speaks again "All travel arrangement have been made, and the time off has been cleared with your boss, Mrs. Something. We pride ourselves on providing the most complete vacation experience" Shocked that not only is this real, but they have even booked time off for you, you respond "Okay, when is the trip?" You can hear the smile as she responds "now" and hangs up the phone. Still staring at the phone, wondering what just happened, the doorbell rings.

Wearing only a pair of boxers, you quickly pull on yesterday's clothes from the floor and go to the door. You open the door to see a sexy redhead, about 5'6", 100lbs and 'C' cup breasts which look quite large on her frame. She is wearing a tanktop and a plaid skirt, reminding you of a Catholic schoolgirl uniform. She smiles with her painted red lips and begins to speak "as I was saying on the phone, we pride ourselves on providing the most complete experience ever" and she lets herself in, carrying a small suitcase. You turn to her as she sets down the suitcase, and still haven't spoken a word. As she bends over a little, you catch a glimpse the bottom of her bum cheeks as her skirt rides up a little. She speaks again "So, I'm Clarissa, it is very nice to meet you". "Nice to meet you too... ummm, what is the bag for?" "There are a few rules to the resort, it is a completely sterile environment, which requires you to wear only resort issued clothing and we enforce a strict no body hair policy, this bag has everything we need to get you ready to go". Hmmm, no body hair, that sounds odd, but hey, you've thought of shaving yourself clean before, now there is a reason. "Okay, that may take me a little while, you can make yourself comfortable" you gesture to the couch. With a smile Clarissa says "oh no, I will be assisting with this, it is important to ensure everything is done to resort standards, show me to your bathroom"

 

[SexyGeek]

Writing help

You really can't post a long selection here and expect to get it edited on the boards. In fact it is probably going to be cut. I think 3 paragraphs is all that is allowed.

Literotica has a long list of writing tips at

https://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml

and most of them are very good. Take a look at it.

I particularly recommend you take a look at

http://www.literotica.com/s/dialogue-this

 

[bookkid]

okay, thanks!

 

[_Lynn_]

You really can't post a long selection here and expect to get it edited on the boards. In fact it is probably going to be cut. I think 3 paragraphs is all that is allowed.

Correct. Three paragraphs is the maximum allowed on a forum.

 

[_Lynn_]

okay, thanks!

Please edit your original post to three paragraphs, which is, as noted, the maximum amount allowed on a forum.

 

[PennLady]

First off, I notice you've written this in second-person and actually stayed with it, so good for the consistency. A lot of people go with an I-you construction and think it's second person, but you didn't.

However, going by anecdotal evidence, second person stories are not terribly popular. Readers do not necessarily want to be told what they are doing, thinking, etc. I know that personally, when I find such a story, leave it to find something else. This doesn't mean you shouldn't write a story like this, but you should be aware going in that it might mean lower scores, fewer reads, etc.

You could use an editor -- but then so could we all -- to pick up small errors. Such as "You are awakenED" and "a far TOO cheery voice."

Realizing this is fiction and fantasy, I'm just going to say that a 5'6" woman who weighs 100lbs is going to look pretty thin, verging on gaunt, and like would not have very large breasts. I'm not sure if this is what you're going for, nor that it would never happen. However, for the sake of comparison, I'm 5'4" and my "ideal" weight ranges from, say, 120-140 lbs. If you are thinking of a curvy/curvaceous, well-endowed woman, 100lbs on that frame ain't gonna cut it.

I think things like this are why a lot of writers advise staying away from specifics on height, weight, and other measurements and instead suggest using more general terms or even comparisons. For example: "She was a few inches shorter than my own six feet, with an hourglass figure and breasts like [insert description]." Not a great example, I admit, but it's just for demo purposes.

And as SexyGeek noted, you should check the FAQs and pay attention to dialogue punctuation. Yours is wrong in many places, and that will get a story rejected here.

 

[NickiC]

To me and I am not an editor here I think you should write about what you know. I am jarred out of a story when I see details that are wrong.

 

[ukstockinglvr]

I think things like this are why a lot of writers advise staying away from specifics on height, weight, and other measurements and instead suggest using more general terms or even comparisons. For example: "She was a few inches shorter than my own six feet, with an hourglass figure and breasts like [insert description]." Not a great example, I admit, but it's just for demo purposes.

100% on what Penn is saying.

I have been guilty of the 9" cock and 32C breasts size qualifiers on occasion, never again, I'm now a full convert to the description method.

 

[PennLady]

100% on what Penn is saying.

I have been guilty of the 9" cock and 32C breasts size qualifiers on occasion, never again, I'm now a full convert to the description method.

Well, there's nothing inherently wrong with exact descriptions if they fit the story or serve a purpose in the story, or what have you. And I'm not saying a 5'6" woman couldn't weight 100lbs, and still have C-cups, in general. However, knowing what I know about weight and all, that simply doesn't work for me. My son, for example, is five feet tall (ack!) and weighs about 100lbs; visually trying to stretch those 100lbs onto a 5'6" frame, I just see a gaunt (which is not attractive) person.

Sizes are a whole other thing, because a c-cup on one woman isn't the same as another, even if they share the same number.

So I'm only working from anecdotal evidence, like I said, but I think general descriptions, based on comparisons or some other device, work better for most readers.

Or then there's me, who's often lucky to remember to specify hair color, let alone anything else.

 

[redzinger]

Or then there's me, who's often lucky to remember to specify hair color, let alone anything else.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one - I'm 50k into a 65k book and I haven't even decided what colour her eyes are.


I would agree about the 'second person' writing style - I back out of any stories written like this, I just can't get into them.

I would make sure that each change in person speaking starts on a new line/paragraph too. There's nothing worse than big blocks of text and having to figure out who is speaking. (Well, there are a few things worse, but it's something I dislike and I don't find easy to read.)

 

[Hypoxia]

Unless you want to deliberately confuse readers, your goal should be clarity. Will readers clearly see the mental images you present? Great run-on blocks of on-screen text are not clear. Bad punctuation is not clear. Wanted-poster descriptions may be TOO clear. And, alas, while second-person narratives may work well in songs and poetry, Anglish prose is another, less forgiving critter. Good luck.

 

[bookkid]

Revised:

The Resort
Ring, ring, ring. After an incredibly hard week, Dave is awakened on Sunday morning to the phone. Damnit. "Hello?” A woman in a far to cheery voice responds, "Congratulations you have won a--" CLICK. Yeah, sure, not likely... I'm going back to sleep. Just as he settles back in under the covers the damn phone rings again. "Hello?" "Sorry, we must have gotten disconnected; I am calling to award you with a 1 week dream vacation". Awake now, Dave decides to play along. "okay, how did I win?", she cheerily responds "Your name was entered through our online sweepstakes last month, our contest is cross-promoted with many websites, I see here your entry came through on October 7th at 2:17am from our partner, ummm, she male fantasy dot com". Now awake and embarrassed, Dave’s face turns red and he struggle to respond. The cheery gal speaks again "All travel arrangement have been made, and the time off has been cleared with your boss, Mrs. Electra. We pride ourselves on providing the most complete vacation experience” Shocked that not only is this real, but they have even booked time off for him, Dave responds "Okay, when is the trip?" He can hear the smile as she responds "now" and hangs up the phone. Still staring at the phone, wondering what just happened, the doorbell rings.

Wearing only a pair of boxers, Dave quickly pulls on yesterday's clothes from the floor and goes to the door. He opens the door to see a cute redhead; a few inches shorter than himself, with fair sized breasts that look quite large on her small frame. She is wearing a tank top and yoga pants, the pants are tight and show every detail of her body. She smiles with her painted red lips and begins to speak "as I was saying on the phone, we pride ourselves on providing the most complete experience ever" and she lets herself in, carrying a small suitcase. Dave turns to her as she sets down the suitcase, and still hasn't spoken a word. As she bends over a little, he takes in her firm bum through the yoga pants. She introduces herself as Clarissa. Looking at the bag she has with her, Dave can't help but ask what it is for. Clarissa explains that there are a few rules to the resort, it is a completely sterile environment, which requires that everyone wear only resort issued clothing and they enforce a strict no body hair policy. Apparently the bag has everything needed to get ready to go. Hmmm, no body hair, that sounds odd, but hey, he had thought of shaving himself clean before, now there is a reason. Dave decides it isn't much to ask and inform her that it may take a little while, and invite her to make herself comfortable, gesturing to the couch. With a smile Clarissa says "oh no, I will be assisting with this, it is important to ensure everything is done to resort standards, show me to your bathroom"

Shocked but intrigued, Dave points to the stairs "Top of the stairs, on the left". Without hesitation she grabs the bag, turns to the stairs and says "follow me". As Clarissa walks up the stairs Dave can't help but watch her perfect ass, the stairs give a perfect, close view. He realizes the effect her body is having on his; as he quickly reaches down to adjust his swelling cock. All too quickly she reaches the top, turns to the left and places the small suitcase on the counter and unzips it. "First we will get rid of all body hair, then a quick styling, we'll get you dressed and be on our way" Without missing a beat, she turns on the shower, bending over again in the process, showing that perfect ass, then is back to the suitcase and takes out an unlabeled tube of gel and a magazine. She hands him the gel, then sits down and opens the magazine to a dog-eared page. "Go ahead and shower using that tube of hair remover, let me know if you need anything". With that she is reading her magazine, and Dave is left to shower in front of this sexy stranger.

 

[sr71plt]

The text runs smoothly enough, but there's a lot of trouble with punctuation and capitalization. "1 week" should be "one-week." A kicker for Literotica is that you give a URL. It's obviously fake, but Literotica doesn't permit even fake URLs in stories (as I found out a few years back). Your paragraphs are too long for screen reading as well. It's a good start, though, and it's something an editor could work with.

 

[PennLady]

Better, but you still need to separate out your dialogue.

For example:

Ring, ring, ring.

After an incredibly hard week, Dave is awakened on Sunday morning to the phone. Damnit, he thought.

"Hello?”

A woman in a far-too-cheery voice responds, "Congratulations you have won a--"

CLICK. Y

Yeah, sure, not likely... Dave turns over to go back to sleep. Just as he settles back in under the covers the damn phone rings again.

"Hello?"

"Sorry, we must have gotten disconnected; I am calling to award you with a one-week dream vacation."

Awake now, Dave decides to play along. "Okay, how did I win?"

She cheerily responds, "Your name was entered through our online sweepstakes last month, our contest is cross-promoted with many websites, I see here your entry came through on October seventh at 2:17 a.m. from our partner at Shemale Fantasy."

----

The present tense is fine, just make sure you stay with it consistently. A lot of writers have noted they sometimes go from past to present, or vice versa, without realizing it, and it can be jarring for a reader.

 

[SexyGeek]

Work on your dialogue

Better, but you still need to separate out your dialogue.

I said it above, now PennLady has reinforced it. As you say, better to get the major problems under control before you write the whole thing and I, or some other editor, has to do it for you. This is a constant major problem with stories I get to edit, and Literotica WILL reject stories for improper dialogue structure.

PLEASE refer to the Literotica FAQ at

http://www.literotica.com/s/dialogue-this

Those rules are not suggestions, they are mandatory.

Following the dialogue rules will go a long way toward breaking up your long bulky paragraphs, but it still demands attention. Due to the short lines in the Literotica posting format, paragraphs look twice as long as they do in your word processor, and those large blocks of text are visually unattractive on the screen.

Then you have a lot of problems with commas, semicolons and run on sentences. For example: "As Clarissa walks up the stairs Dave can't help but watch her perfect ass, the stairs give a perfect, close view. He realizes the effect her body is having on his; as he quickly reaches down to adjust his swelling cock."

The first sentence is run-on. The second is not an appropriate place for a semicolon. The repetition of perfect is confusing. Try:

"As Clarissa walks up the stairs, Dave has a close view of her perfect ass. He can't help but watch it in fascination. He realizes the effect her body is having on his as he quickly reaches down to adjust his swelling cock."

Learning the proper use of commas and semicolons is difficult. The rules are not as simple as those for punctuating quotations. As an editor I don't mind helping with that so much.

As for the discussion of descriptions, on that same page of FAQs there is one that actually recommends giving cup sizes and such in descriptions. Like others above, I happen to disagree with that one.

I think the reason you are getting so much feedback on this story is NOT because it is bad. Indeed I think many of us recognize that it is a good story with potential. We also appreciate that you are trying to get a good start and deal with major problems before you send it off to an editor full of basic mistakes. That is why we are willing to do what we seldom do on this board and make so many suggestions.

Keep at it.