Need feedback on my FIRST story

wjdixon

Virgin
Joined
Nov 18, 2010
Posts
21
Please read the whole thing & if anyone has any suggestions send me a “dm”

Here is how it starts off, This takes place at a college.

I’m the swim coach & classes are done for the day & Jessica is Doing an internship at the college for
sports education & she has never seen the inside of the men’s locker room. She is wearing a short black miniskirt with black bikini panties on underneath with a white button down shirt on & a black laced bra on. I have just come from the swimming pool & as I take off my speedo. As I start washing my body I hear the sound of footsteps in the locker room & I just ignore it thinking it might be a student that might have left something in a locker. As she walks around the men’s locker room she hears the sound of the shower running.

She suddenly walks into the shower area & she starts to watch me washing my body & she watches as I rub my big cock while I’m in the shower. As I’m rubbing my cock, she starts to see it start to get longer. She starts to hear me moaning & suddenly she starts to get turned on. She suddenly starts to run her hands all over herself. As I’m washing my body I start to hear the sound of a girl moaning. Just as I turn towards the entrance to the shower area, I open my eyes & sees her there with her eyes closed. She has one hand inside her shirt & playing with her breasts & her other hand is under her skirt.

She is fingering herself. She keeps going until she screams out in pleasure. As she opens her eyes, she gets startled because I was jerking off while watching her little show. As she sees me, she felt no embarrassment. As I was already naked, she began to unbutton her shirt & she lets it drop on the ground. She pulled off her mini skirt, revealing her black laced bra & black laced panties.

Complete stories not allowed on the forum. Removed by mod.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A few areas for you to think about

1) The use of & (in my mind) would be better replaced by and
2) If you end up with two and's in a sentence, more likely than not it should be two sentences (there are a few cases where it isn't the case, but your first sentence has 3 &'s)
3) You tend to use "as" a lot as if telling us what is happening... think about how you can show the same
4) Slow down a bit... seems you are doing 60 in a 30 zone and the text reads as being rushed

Story wise though, I think there's much potential
 
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