Writing about fear

[CharleyH]

Sigh, What else is there to do on a Sunday morning but excite myself writing about fear? lol

In conveying fear, should a pace be quick or slow? I have written this and wonder if there shouldn't be more 'urgency'. I don't know. I feel I am missing something, but I can't pinpoint what? Any thoughts on writing about a characters fear?

'What the …?' she panicked, threw the letter, the package on the table, stood abruptly, her knee banging the coffee table, though she barely felt the pain. The glass of port toppled and spilled, creeping across the top of the table.

She had no thoughts as she rushed to the window, just anxious reaction and slapped her eyes to the street below before slamming the shutters, and hurriedly pulling the curtains closed. Her heart stabbed to a pumping rhythm a hundred times faster than the moment before, and her lungs could barely keep pace, seizing and breathing as she ran to the kitchen, her arm batting the door as she past. She grabbed a butchers knife from the block, though she had no idea why, her fingers trembling over the black grip as a shiver burst up her spine, as she rushed to every room in the apartment, turning on every light to cushion her blind panic - searched every corner, every closet, but there was nothing - no one.

And then she heard the apartment door unlock.

 

[rgraham666]

What's missing for me in this one Charley, is the context.

Without the rest of the story attached, without the source of her fear, it's hard to empathise.

Also, I think the sentences are too long. These cool the emotion in my opinion. From what I remember of the times I've panicked, the moments are very sharp and rather disconnected.

And the sentences describe more what she is doing than what she is feeling. Perhaps this is why the emotion seems lost.

I hope this made sense. This early in the morning I'm more of an extra in a George Romero movie than a sentient being.

 

[lil_elvis]

Charley,

I suppose this is part of the earlier thread about the letter that she receives detailing her actions of the immediate past...

Anyway, her immediate response is expectable...the immediate gut reaction to what amounts to being watched/stalked/voyeured

But, I would think that you should let her stew a bit before the door opens, perhaps contemplating who might have sent the letter and how he (she?) would know her recent actions so intimately. Perhaps making familiar noises witihn the apartment suddenly ominous, spooky and bringng on the cold sweat of fear?

I've never tried writing somethng like this, but from the what I consider the better books/movies I've taken in, suspence is a key element.

Just my $.02

 

[CharleyH]

Charley,

I suppose this is part of the earlier thread about the letter that she receives detailing her actions of the immediate past...

Anyway, her immediate response is expectable...the immediate gut reaction to what amounts to being watched/stalked/voyeured

But, I would think that you should let her stew a bit before the door opens, perhaps contemplating who might have sent the letter and how he (she?) would know her recent actions so intimately. Perhaps making familiar noises witihn the apartment suddenly ominous, spooky and bringng on the cold sweat of fear?

I've never tried writing somethng like this, but from the what I consider the better books/movies I've taken in, suspence is a key element.

Just my $.02

Good stuff. Your 2 cents is worth millions. Much to consider. I suppose it is easier to build suspense in a movie where ominous music plays a very large part, and things can jump out at you.

Writing suspense is a whole different ball game, and I see both what you say, and what RG also says. The need for the general atmosphere, shifting POVs from what immediately is ordinary to things that appear more ominous in our perspective when suddenly, creeped out, or struck with fear of the unknown. The need perhaps for emotion where description of how the body reacts just isn't enough.

hm.

 

[oggbashan]

I think rg's point about sentence length is significant.

Prior to the passage quoted you can have long sentences about apprehension and dread.

When the letter and package arrive, you could change to short abrupt sentences or even phrases to emphasise the panic e.g.

'What the …?'

She threw the letter and package on the table. She stood, knee banging the coffee table. There was no pain. The port toppled and spilled. The stain crept across the table.

She rushed to the window. She checked the street below. She slammed the shutters. Yanked the curtains closed. Her heart stabbed, her lungs pumped as she ran to the kitchen. She batted the door open. She grabbed a butchers knife. Why? She didn't know. Her fingers shook around the black grip. Knife first, she darted into every room, turning on every light, searched every corner, every closet, but there was nothing - no one.

She heard the apartment door unlock.

Og

 

[CharleyH]

Mucho gracias, Og.

 

[Liar]

I took me a few times of reading, but i think i've finally figures out what iffs me about that excerpt, Charley.

For someone who is in a state of panic, she sure does a lot of things. Even rational things. And though we tend to act pretty rational in times of fear, it is mostly on auto-pilot. I think I would have wanted more of a first person perspective, that the narrator leaps in between her ears and followd the scatterd thought process.

Og's example (There was no pain. The port toppled and spilled. The stain crept across the table.) gives it a good, confused feeling, where non sequitir observations becomes equally rlevant as the de facto relevant ones. If you play on that, maybe even omit VERY important things in the chronological description, you may be able to lure out panic and confusion in the reader.

To take Og's second paragraph for a further spin...

She rushed to the window. She checked the street below. She slammed the shutters. Yanked the curtains closed. Tried to listen though the rush of pulse. Saw nothing, heard nothing. Her heart stabbing, her lungs pumped. She darted from place to place, turning on every light, searched every corner, every closet, but there was nothing - no one. Hallway, kitchen, bathroom, living room. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Out of options, out of breath, she stopped in the middle of the living room. Her fingers shook around the black grip of the butcher's knife.

Knife? What knife?

She must have grabbed it in the kitchen. Why? She didn't know, but a trembling hand with whitened knuckles told her that it would never let go.

 

[CharleyH]

I took me a few times of reading, but i think i've finally figures out what iffs me about that excerpt, Charley.

For someone who is in a state of panic, she sure does a lot of things. Even rational things. And though we tend to act pretty rational in times of fear, it is mostly on auto-pilot. I think I would have wanted more of a first person perspective, that the narrator leaps in between her ears and followd the scatterd thought process.

Og's example (There was no pain. The port toppled and spilled. The stain crept across the table.) gives it a good, confused feeling, where non sequitir observations becomes equally rlevant as the de facto relevant ones. If you play on that, maybe even omit VERY important things in the chronological description, you may be able to lure out panic and confusion in the reader.

To take Og's second paragraph for a further spin...

She rushed to the window. She checked the street below. She slammed the shutters. Yanked the curtains closed. Tried to listen though the rush of pulse. Saw nothing, heard nothing. Her heart stabbing, her lungs pumped. She darted from place to place, turning on every light, searched every corner, every closet, but there was nothing - no one. Hallway, kitchen, bathroom, living room. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Out of options, out of breath, she stopped in the middle of the living room. Her fingers shook around the black grip of the butcher's knife.

Knife? What knife?

She must have grabbed it in the kitchen. Why? She didn't know, but a trembling hand with whitened knuckles told her that it would never let go.

3rd person is not generally my best form. I always feel limited for whatever reason, like I need to 'tell' the story. I am glad I posted the question before I get right into it ... all of you are helping me see things I had not looked at before. Thank you.

I do see what you mean.

 

[R. Richard]

Two things confused me. As has been mentioned before, where did the knife come from? Where did the port come from?

 

[Quiet_Cool]

For someone who is in a state of panic, she sure does a lot of things. Even rational things. And though we tend to act pretty rational in times of fear, it is mostly on auto-pilot. I think I would have wanted more of a first person perspective, that the narrator leaps in between her ears and followd the scatterd thought process.


She rushed to the window. She checked the street below. She slammed the shutters. Yanked the curtains closed. Tried to listen though the rush of pulse. Saw nothing, heard nothing. Her heart stabbing, her lungs pumped. She darted from place to place, turning on every light, searched every corner, every closet, but there was nothing - no one. Hallway, kitchen, bathroom, living room. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Out of options, out of breath, she stopped in the middle of the living room. Her fingers shook around the black grip of the butcher's knife.

Knife? What knife?

She must have grabbed it in the kitchen. Why? She didn't know, but a trembling hand with whitened knuckles told her that it would never let go.

A nice upgrade here, but I'm going to focus on the first thing Liar said. Yes, when people do things like this, they do rational things, and they do so on autopilot. The difference between the original passage, Og's rework of it, and then Liar's rework of both, IMO, is that it can't really match up with my true experience with fear and panic. It seems to me that, while she would be moving and working on some subconcscious level, her conscious mind should still be working, getting in the way most likely. I'd say that's the only thing missing, at this point.

As for the passage, the short sentences work for the... shall we say "factual" parts, the what's she doing parts. For the thoughts parts, heading back in for those run-on sentences, might be a good idea, so long as they're clear.

Just talking, and not very clearly. Ignore if you like.

Q_C

 

[CharleyH]

Two things confused me. As has been mentioned before, where did the knife come from? Where did the port come from?

It doesn't matter, RR, but thank you. This is only a sample from a 1st draft/ second chapter, and all these details are included, as I am meticulous about such details (or at least try to be). This is merely my way of working out a problem ... how does one write the fear of a character. Of course, I also have to determine that it is genuine fear, and not just a character getting totally freaked.

Also, thanks QC. I am keeping longer sentances in the same way you suggest, and trying to balance - fear (perhaps) with the natural coolness, and otherwise rational nature of the character. I appreciate your input, very much, as it does confirm something in my mind.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I think she should also feel slight relief after checking to see all is well before the door unlocks, maybe even pour some more wine...JMO. I like the idea of a false sense of security.

 

[NoJo]

You seem to be writing panic, not fear. I agree with Rob about the sentence length.

Remove the adverbs and mental commentary and chop the sentences:
'What the …?'

She threw the package down. She stood, her knee banging the coffee table. She barely felt the pain. The glass toppled. A port-wine stain crept across the top of the table.

She rushed to the window and slapped her eyes to the street below. She slammed the shutters and snatched the curtains closed. She ran to the kitchen. Impulsively she grabbed a butchers knife from the block. Her fingers trembed over the black grip. She ran from room to room, flicking the lights on, searching. But there was nothing - no one.

She froze in the hallway. Someone was unlocking her apartment door.

 

[CharleyH]

You seem to be writing panic, not fear. I agree with Rob about the sentence length.

Remove the adverbs and mental commentary and chop the sentences:
'What the …?'

She threw the package down. She stood, her knee banging the coffee table. She barely felt the pain. The glass toppled. A port-wine stain crept across the top of the table.

She rushed to the window and slapped her eyes to the street below. She slammed the shutters and snatched the curtains closed. She ran to the kitchen. Impulsively she grabbed a butchers knife from the block. Her fingers trembed over the black grip. She ran from room to room, flicking the lights on, searching. But there was nothing - no one.

She froze in the hallway. Someone was unlocking her apartment door.

Ah, yes. Panic. How could I forget. Hm. Thanks for throwing this loop in! lol

Abs: Well, I still have to calm the bitch down! Yes, more port. lol

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Ah, yes. Panic. How could I forget. Hm. Thanks for throwing this loop in! lol

Abs: Well, I still have to calm the bitch down! Yes, more port. lol

Did I mention I'm afraid of writing about fear? It's a phobia I'm afraid. I fearfully admit it.

 

[Matthew_Craig]

I'm too scared to.

 

[CharleyH]

I'm too scared to.

How could you be with Adriana at your sig?

Abs: I have received a few PMs and am really thankful for everyone's comments, including yours. I see now, particularly after Joe's post about panic, that it is not fear she feels, which is maybe why I wrote it the first way I did this morning. I need to leave it at the spilled port, and delve (RG thanks) into her feelings, while maintaining ideas from all of you, a shock, not a fear - a lingering curiosity (thanks QC for making me think about sentances that linger) - and I think everyone else already got a thank you.

Again. Thank you all for helping me work through it.