What I love about writing English

[SimonDoom]

I think it's hard to evaluate it or provide advice without more context. I think it's OK but it raises some questions.

"Some loot" -- what does that mean? Does she not know which loot she's looking for? It makes it sound imprecise. What is the context? Is this a generalized expression of intention or a description of a specific scene? Should it be "the loot"?

"Moved forward" -- If your intention is to describe her general motivation, this is OK, but if you've got your character in a specific suspenseful scene, then I'd use something more specifically descriptive than "moved forward." How is she moving forward? Is she tiptoeing? Shuffling? Creeping? "Moving forward" is a bit abstract.

 

[StillStunned]

"Some loot" -- what does that mean? Does she not know which loot she's looking for? It makes it sound imprecise. What is the context? Is this a generalized expression of intention or a description of a specific scene? Should it be "the loot"?

In the context of the story it makes sense. She's just randomly looking for something to steal.

"Moved forward" -- If your intention is to describe her general motivation, this is OK, but if you've got your character in a specific suspenseful scene, then I'd use something more specifically descriptive than "moved forward." How is she moving forward? Is she tiptoeing? Shuffling? Creeping? "Moving forward" is a bit abstract.

But she's "careful to be as quiet as she could". I'm pretty sure that most readers will visualise this as tiptoeing or creeping. I could have used one of those verbs, but then I wouldn't have had the pleasing construction that I did.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

I think it's hard to evaluate it or provide advice without more context. I think it's OK but it raises some questions.

"Some loot" -- what does that mean? Does she not know which loot she's looking for? It makes it sound imprecise. What is the context? Is this a generalized expression of intention or a description of a specific scene? Should it be "the loot"?

"Moved forward" -- If your intention is to describe her general motivation, this is OK, but if you've got your character in a specific suspenseful scene, then I'd use something more specifically descriptive than "moved forward." How is she moving forward? Is she tiptoeing? Shuffling? Creeping? "Moving forward" is a bit abstract.

I read and re-read @StillStunned's quote from "Warriors in the Mist" like five times trying to figure out what the hell you were talking about before it hit me you were back to the original post.

 

[SimonDoom]

I read and re-read @StillStunned's quote from "Warriors in the Mist" like five times trying to figure out what the hell you were talking about before it hit me you were back to the original post.

I can be slow to adjust. It happens.

 

[Audiflex]

I like your second sentence best anyway: "Remembering that she still needed to find some loot, she moved forward, careful to be as quiet as she could."

Aside from rhythm and alliteration, I just prefer the construction of it. The "Remembering" phrase puts me in the character's head. Then my attention is drawn to her actions in the here-and-now: "She moved forward." The last phrase adds color and creates tension: "careful to be as quiet as she could."

The third version doesn't quite have the same effect on me, and I think it's all because of one word: "so". "So she moved forward," feels like it puts me at juuust the slightest remove from the action. Rather than "seeing" the character move forward, I feel more like the author is telling, "and then she moved forward."

Just my two cents as a subjective reader. : )

Oh, the fun we have obsessing over just the right way to phrase things, right? But I completely agree with you when you write, "The more effort I put in, the less I demand from my readers." The fewer cognitive stumbling blocks we put in front of a reader, the better their experience will be.

Your analysis was sharp and spot-on, no fluff needed. Sometimes the smallest tweaks make the biggest difference, and you nailed why the second sentence works better. Obsessing over phrasing is just part of the writing grind, but it’s worth it when it clicks. Solid points all around!

 

[Audiflex]

I think it's hard to evaluate it or provide advice without more context. I think it's OK but it raises some questions.

"Some loot" -- what does that mean? Does she not know which loot she's looking for? It makes it sound imprecise. What is the context? Is this a generalized expression of intention or a description of a specific scene? Should it be "the loot"?

"Moved forward" -- If your intention is to describe her general motivation, this is OK, but if you've got your character in a specific suspenseful scene, then I'd use something more specifically descriptive than "moved forward." How is she moving forward? Is she tiptoeing? Shuffling? Creeping? "Moving forward" is a bit abstract.

Fair points! Without more context, it’s tricky to give precise feedback, but you’re right, specificity is key. “Some loot” does feel vague; if it’s a specific item, “the loot” might work better. And “moved forward” could definitely be more vivid, especially in a tense scene. Words like “crept,” “tiptoed,” or “slid” could add more texture and pull the reader deeper into the moment. Small tweaks, big impact.

 

[StillStunned]

Fair points! Without more context, it’s tricky to give precise feedback, but you’re right, specificity is key. “Some loot” does feel vague; if it’s a specific item, “the loot” might work better. And “moved forward” could definitely be more vivid, especially in a tense scene. Words like “crept,” “tiptoed,” or “slid” could add more texture and pull the reader deeper into the moment. Small tweaks, big impact.

See my earlier reply to Simon.

Besides the pleasing rhythm and alliteration, "taking care to be as quiet as she could" creates a more immersive experience. You're experiencing her mindset, not just her actions. She's not just placing her feet quietly, she's biting her lip, trying to breathe slowly and steadily, listening for any sound.

 

[XerXesXu]

See my earlier reply to Simon.

Besides the pleasing rhythm and alliteration, "taking care to be as quiet as she could" creates a more immersive experience. You're experiencing her mindset, not just her actions. She's not just placing her feet quietly, she's biting her lip, trying to breathe slowly and steadily, listening for any sound.

Would it hurt simply to say so.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

See my earlier reply to Simon.

Besides the pleasing rhythm and alliteration, "taking care to be as quiet as she could" creates a more immersive experience. You're experiencing her mindset, not just her actions. She's not just placing her feet quietly, she's biting her lip, trying to breathe slowly and steadily, listening for any sound.

Your implying a lot of detail with that single line, detail your readers may not infer. It's me, but I like to put those details out there to enhance the picture I'm painting. I'd be interested to see you expand that rhythm and alliteration to the biting and breathing, ears bent for any sound...

 

[StillStunned]

Your implying a lot of detail with that single line, detail your readers may not infer. It's me, but I like to put those details out there to enhance the picture I'm painting. I'd be interested to see you expand that rhythm and alliteration to the biting and breathing, ears bent for any sound...

In the context of more story, I think most readers pick up on the implications. They might not actively recognise it, but it puts an image in their mind.

I'm a big fan of letting the reader infer a lot of the details. That's one reason why I try to make the actual words as easy to read as possible: if they don't have to focus on reading, they can use that energy for visualising. And the more they visualise, the more they engage with the story.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

In the context of more story, I think most readers pick up on the implications. They might not actively recognise it, but it puts an image in their mind.

I'm a big fan of letting the reader infer a lot of the details. That's one reason why I try to make the actual words as easy to read as possible: if they don't have to focus on reading, they can use that energy for visualising. And the more they visualise, the more they engage with the story.

Totally understand letting the reader fill in the details. I'm actually chuckling to myself. I much prefer Impressionism over realism in art but when I write or read, I love the intimate detail.

And fwiw, recogniZe and visualiZe are both spelled with a 'Z'. LOL

 

[StillStunned]

And fwiw, rexogniZe and visualiZe are both spelled with a 'Z'. LOL

When Americans learn how to pronounce the letter properly, then they can start telling other people to use it.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

When Americans learn how to pronounce the letter properly, then they can start telling other people to use it.

George Bernard Shaw moment...(Two countries separated by a common language)

 

[StillStunned]

George Bernard Shaw moment...(Two countries separated by a common language)

About 20-25 years ago, most of the companies I worked for preferred the -ize spelling. Nowadays it's all -ise though, except a small handful of US-oriented clients.

 

[StillStunned]

Another snippet, this time from "A Time of Gifts" by Patrick Leigh Fermor. It's right at the start of his journey on foot from the North Sea coast to Constantinople:

It was still a couple of hours till dawn when we dropped anchor in the Hook of Holland. Snow covered everything, and the flakes blew in a slant across the cones of the lamps and confused the glowing discs that spaced out the untrodden quay. I hadn't known Rotterdam was a few miles inland. I was still the only passenger in the train and this solitary entry, under cover of night and hushed by snow, completed the illusion that I was slipping into Rotterdam, and into Europe, through a secret door.

Besides the wonderful imagery, he absolutely nails the rhythm here I think.

On the subject of being separated by a common language, I realise that Americans tend to stress other words than Brits. We say "Robin Hood", for instance, while you say "Robin Hood". So for all you USAns, does the fragment above have a natural rhythm? As in, if you read it aloud, do you get stressed syllables at evenly spaces intervals (in time, not number of unstressed syllables)?

 

[Audiflex]

See my earlier reply to Simon.

Besides the pleasing rhythm and alliteration, "taking care to be as quiet as she could" creates a more immersive experience. You're experiencing her mindset, not just her actions. She's not just placing her feet quietly, she's biting her lip, trying to breathe slowly and steadily, listening for any sound.

Ok

 

[NivKay]

Just now I wrote a sentence:

"She" is Flower, a member of a gang in a dark sword & sorcery setting. Not that it really matters for this thread, it's just a bit of background.

Anyway, even as I was typing the sentence, I was rewriting it in my mind. I've mentioned a few times that I studied Middle English poetry, and I'm very fond of alliterative verse and the muscular rhythm that it brings to language.

I always try to make my writing as rhythmic as possible, because I think that it helps the reader. The beats of the sentence correspond to the words you want to highlight, so the reader automatically picks out the important bit.

But even without that, alliteration is a powerful tool in writing. You can use reinforce the meaning by making the reader notice the words more, and alliteration is an easy way to do that.

So about half a second after I wrote the sentence, I changed it to this:

The second half of the sentence is much stronger now. The first half ("Remembering that") feels out of rhythm. It would be much smoother if I wrote:

Outside alliterative poetry, this is about as smooth as the English language gets, in my humble-but-I-have-an-MA-in-this-crap-and-25-years'-experience-rewriting-other-people's-English opinion.

Even so, I'm not going to change it a second time. Precisely because of the lack of rhythm, it stands out. The eye stumbles over the sentence, as it were, which is another trick to make the reader pay attention. And whenever the reader pays attention, the story sticks in their mind. At the start of a new paragraph is a good point to demand their focus.

Of course there's a balance. You don't want the reader to be stumbling through the whole text. You want their eye to move forward with as little effort as possible, so the words flow from their screen into their imagination. Effort takes them out of the story, and if it happens too many times you'll lose them.

This is how I write. I consider every word of every sentence, to make my story as effortless to read as possible. This doesn't mean using infantile language, although I won't go out of my way to use fancy words if a simple word will do. It means I don't want my reader to have to focus on understanding the text, if they can instead be focusing on the story.

The more effort I put in, the less I demand from my readers. And seeing as there's little I enjoy doing more, I think that's an excellent deal.

"She moved cautiously forward, each measured step a rising need for more loot."