Writer Thread: Hate

[Weird Harold]

My character HATES her mother ... Her mother is cold and distant - I am attempting to figure out an EVENT when one might conciously decide to not talk to their parent figures.... I think I have one ... but want to just ask for thoughts ... when does a child truly HATE a parent?

I don't think there is ever a single incident that generates real hatred for a parent, although there is usually a single incident or epiphany where the hatred crystalizes; a moment when the realization comes that reconciliation isn't possible, desireable or worth the effort.

In the case of a "cold and distant" parent, that crystalizing moment is likely to be somehing related to the parent ignoring or even disparaging an important/emotional event or achievement -- the death of a friend or pet, not showing up for a sports championship, etc.

 

[CharleyH]

I don't think there is ever a single incident that generates real hatred for a parent, although there is usually a single incident or epiphany where the hatred crystalizes; a moment when the realization comes that reconciliation isn't possible, desireable or worth the effort.

In the case of a "cold and distant" parent, that crystalizing moment is likely to be somehing related to the parent ignoring or even disparaging an important/emotional event or achievement -- the death of a friend or pet, not showing up for a sports championship, etc.

Thank you... I am trying to draw from myself .... do too much, yet do not want to draw from me.... I know what needs to be done, but am so not sure how I can do it without it being me. Aiy! Thanks.

 

[TE999]

When I made the decision to enlist in the military instead of going off to college, my mother froze me out of her life. I had disrupted all her big plans for me and she couldn't take it.

My Dad wrote me letters, but I never heard from her.

When I came home on leave, she was like a stranger.

The crack was eventually papered over, but it was still there.

She died suddenly and we never reconciled. I loved my step-mother more than her.

Just because they give birth to you, doesn't mean they can't turn on you.

 

[gauchecritic]

I'm of the opinion (still) that Hap hates his father [Willy]. Don't know if that's any help.

A possible defining moment could be when she finds out that her husband is leaving because of her dislike of sex, which she realises her mother taught her and found it to be untrue but couldn't change her own programming.

Being made to be her mother's mother when she becomes senile. (this is entering the anger state of mourning and being unable to work it through because although they have been deserted by the person they know they are still alive)

Hating the predicament (violent marriage perhaps) that her mother stays in and displacing her anger onto her mother.

In other words, I haven't the foggiest.

 

[jomar]

Sorry But damn I am looking for that CUT moment here). I think back and yeah my mother was the ICE QUEEN, yet not to me. YA I resented her when I was a certain age and she locked me out of the house because I came home later than her rules. Yet, I have and always will love mom, but hate? What event might have made me hate her?

When does a child truly hate a parent(NON-ABUSE)?

I saw this thread when you first posted it and didn't respond because I wanted to think about it. Does a child ever truly hate a parent. Or does the anger/resentment/betrayal overlay an underlying love, even if the love is deeply buried? Or a craving to be recognized and loved by the parent? Misty Morning's post speaks to this. (Though I'm sorry she had to experinece it.)

If I were writing hatred for a parent, I would probably make it a small moment. Something that "broke the camel's back" like someone else said. Like "She burned my toast again. That's when I realized I hated her." That way it's a cold hate. Depends on what you're going for.

 

[angela146]

"Even people who hate their mothers, love thier mothers." ~ French Kiss

I don't think hate is necessarily the opposite of love when it comes to parents. I believe love and hate can actually co-exist. When that cut moment comes, it may be not feeling anything at all for the parent that defines it, being able to walk away.

Well, you may not "believe" it but there are plenty of us out here for whom love of parents is neither necessary nor desirable.

There is no particular reason why one should love abusive parents.

 

[angela146]

The reason I cried was because I was sad at the thought of not knowing what it was like to have a mother that actually loved me, not that she had died.

And there you have it.

Well spoken, Misty.

 

[angela146]

I don't think there is ever a single incident that generates real hatred for a parent, although there is usually a single incident or epiphany where the hatred crystalizes; a moment when the realization comes that reconciliation isn't possible, desireable or worth the effort.

In the case of a "cold and distant" parent, that crystalizing moment is likely to be somehing related to the parent ignoring or even disparaging an important/emotional event or achievement -- the death of a friend or pet, not showing up for a sports championship, etc.

That works. As was said earlier, the "moment" - if there is one - is usually more of a straw that broke the camel's back.

 

[angela146]

So now to the main point...

Yes, I have "issues" with this whole topic. (Ya think?)

What makes this question difficult to answer, is the "non abuse" thing. It is difficult to imagine how a parent might *earn* the hatred of a child without being abusive in some way.

And I believe "unearned" or "unjustified" hatred is beyond the scope of OP's question. I presume we are taking about hatred "for cause".

Can a parent cause legitimate hatred without being abusive? Depending on how broadly we define "abuse" and "legitimate", I don't think it's possible.

For me, whatever the parent did to justify the hatred of the child might be abusive *by definition*. Perhaps someone can come up with a counter-example, but not I.

So, I suspect that all *legitimate* hatred of a parent is caused by abuse of some kind.

It was in my case. Read my "Michelle" story if you want an idea of the tipping point.

 

[angela146]

If I were writing hatred for a parent, I would probably make it a small moment. Something that "broke the camel's back" like someone else said. Like "She burned my toast again. That's when I realized I hated her." That way it's a cold hate. Depends on what you're going for.

Or how about something small but substantive:

"She ate the last piece of my brother's birthday cake."

"She made me burn my teddy bear. She said I didn't need it anymore."

"... and yet she expected me to drop everything and run to her side."

"My sister called, in tears over what she had said."

or, something more subtle:

"... and mom said nothing."

or

"... and mom did nothing to stop him."

 

[gauchecritic]

Without meaning to sound sarcastic or stereotyping anyone, you girls can fall out over many more things than boys.

Elucidation: Girls are infinitely more sociable than boys. Their skill at reading non-verbal signals is legendary. Manners are of very great account in female relationships (particularly girl on girl)

(slightly tongue in cheek)
Things that girls can fall out over that boys would need pasting on to the blade of a cricket bat and being thwacked around the head with before noticing:

Frosty silences.
Cold looks
Missed appointments
cutting dead
being nosy
unfounded rumours
anniversaries