Writer Thread: Hate

[CharleyH]

Really just trying to feel myself out on this one and I can't because both my parents died... so I have a can't recall why in my life I hated them at any time attitude. My character HATES her mother ... Her mother is cold and distant - I am attempting to figure out an EVENT when one might conciously decide to not talk to their parent figures.... I think I have one ... but want to just ask for thoughts ... when does a child truly HATE a parent?

 

[glynndah]

My mother betrayed a confidence and my sister hasn't spoken to her in almost 15 years.

 

[MagicaPractica]

Really just trying to feel myself out on this one and I can't because both my parents died... so I have a can't recall why in my life I hated them at any time attitude. My character HATES her mother ... Her mother is cold and distant - I am attempting to figure out an EVENT when one might conciously decide to not talk to their parent figures.... I think I have one ... but want to just ask for thoughts ... when does a child truly HATE a parent?

Unless the parental bond is totally cut by something, I think there is always an ambivalence. I think my mental state was saved as a teenager by the novel Dune. It helped me to realize that I could both love and hate my mother at the same time. I could hate her for her actions but still love her because that is our basic nature. Even children who are horribly abused may still try to protect their parents. A Child Called It might be a good book to help understand this duality, if you want to.

Read something interesting in the paper today, perhaps the Dear Abby column, suggesting that we don't need to "forgive and forget" as much as to "remember and reconcile." That might be actually talking to the person if they are still alive but if the person who did you wrong is beyond your reach, it may simply meaning remembering what happened and reconciling yourself to the fact that it happened and you need to move on.

Sorry, think I got off the topic but that was something I was already thinking about.

 

[glynndah]

Abandonment was very hard to forgive. It's still back there, I'm sure.

 

[Vermilion]

Abandonment was very hard to forgive. It's still back there, I'm sure.

Abuse of the innate trust a child has in its parent to love and protect it.
It may take a while, but this eventually wears away the instinctive love a child has for that parent.

Not something I've experienced myself, but have known several people who have.
x
V

 

[joeys-game]

when you can no longer 'trust' a parent or when your safety is compromised by a parent.

 

[glynndah]

Abuse of the innate trust a child has in its parent to love and protect it.
It may take a while, but this eventually wears away the instinctive love a child has for that parent.

Not something I've experienced myself, but have known several people who have.
x
V

It was very hard. After 40 years, it still hurts. And the guilt...

 

[_Lynn_]

Abandonment was very hard to forgive. It's still back there, I'm sure.

The same is true for all the different abuses. It never totally goes away.

 

[CharleyH]

Unless the parental bond is totally cut by something, I think there is always an ambivalence. I think my mental state was saved as a teenager by the novel Dune. It helped me to realize that I could both love and hate my mother at the same time. I could hate her for her actions but still love her because that is our basic nature. Even children who are horribly abused may still try to protect their parents. A Child Called It might be a good book to help understand this duality, if you want to.

Read something interesting in the paper today, perhaps the Dear Abby column, suggesting that we don't need to "forgive and forget" as much as to "remember and reconcile." That might be actually talking to the person if they are still alive but if the person who did you wrong is beyond your reach, it may simply meaning remembering what happened and reconciling yourself to the fact that it happened and you need to move on.

Sorry, think I got off the topic but that was something I was already thinking about.

Sorry But damn I am looking for that CUT moment here). I think back and yeah my mother was the ICE QUEEN, yet not to me. YA I resented her when I was a certain age and she locked me out of the house because I came home later than her rules. Yet, I have and always will love mom, but hate? What event might have made me hate her?

When does a child truly hate a parent(NON-ABUSE)?

 

[glynndah]

Sorry But damn I am looking for that CUT moment here). I think back and yeah my mother was the ICE QUEEN, yet not to me. YA I resented her when I was a certain age and she locked me out of the house because I came home later than her rules. Yet, I have and always will love mom, but hate? What event might have made me hate her?

When does a child truly hate a parent(NON-ABUSE)?

Betrayal. I still feel it so many years later. I'm not sure it's hate, but I don't love her and can never trust her. Ever. If you need details, PM me. I don't want to hijack your thread.

 

[MagicaPractica]

Sorry But damn I am looking for that CUT moment here). I think back and yeah my mother was the ICE QUEEN, yet not to me. YA I resented her when I was a certain age and she locked me out of the house because I came home later than her rules. Yet, I have and always will love mom, but hate? What event might have made me hate her?

When does a child truly hate a parent(NON-ABUSE)?

"Even people who hate their mothers, love thier mothers." ~ French Kiss

I don't think hate is necessarily the opposite of love when it comes to parents. I believe love and hate can actually co-exist. When that cut moment comes, it may be not feeling anything at all for the parent that defines it, being able to walk away.

 

[Vermilion]

Sometimes I think it's actually a very small thing that can cause that moment.

The straw that broke the camel's back, as it were.

x
V

 

[impressive]

Why is hate necessary to your plot? Would not distrust and/or intense dislike suffice?

 

[MagicaPractica]

Sometimes I think it's actually a very small thing that can cause that moment.

The straw that broke the camel's back, as it were.

x
V

That strikes me as a very important point. *nodding* It also fits into the dynamic of a break between parent and child better in my mind than the "big event."

 

[wehstar]

Sorry But damn I am looking for that CUT moment here). I think back and yeah my mother was the ICE QUEEN, yet not to me. YA I resented her when I was a certain age and she locked me out of the house because I came home later than her rules. Yet, I have and always will love mom, but hate? What event might have made me hate her?

When does a child truly hate a parent(NON-ABUSE)?

I always loved my mother, though as a teenager there are loads of things that can really piss you off. That's what being a teenager is like. I don't think you could have a single cutting moment, without a lot of teenage angst leading up to it.

When I was young, the thing that grated me the most was when she said things like:

"You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. You ruined my life and took my childhood. If you had not been born I would have had such a better life, and the rest of family would not be so poor."

Other possibilities from people I have known:
- I had a friend whose mother used to lock him in the basement for days on end after he had done something minor, in case the police came looking for him. She was mentally ill, I have no doubt.
- I knew a woman with two teenage girls. For some reason the eldest child (who was a trouble causing bitch) could do no wrong in mothers eyes, yet the sweet younger child was unfairly criticised and punished with absolutely no good reason. The girls had different fathers, the oldest's father died an untimely death, and the youngests father used to beat the mother - the suspicion was that mother saw the father in each of the girls.

 

[CharleyH]

"Even people who hate their mothers, love thier mothers." ~ French Kiss

I don't think hate is necessarily the opposite of love when it comes to parents. I believe love and hate can actually co-exist. When that cut moment comes, it may be not feeling anything at all for the parent that defines it, being able to walk away.

Tongue flickering back, MP. I do have a character who HATES her mother ... just trying to feel out a scene. I am truly trying to draw from my life ... but can't. Probably could have when she was alive, but just cant recall in a Stanislovky way... so remind me why we chicks hate our mothers?

 

[Selena_Kitt]

You could go the other way and have a controlling, overbearing sort of mother... the kind that smothers with "love." That can induce a kind of murderous hate in a child, esp an adolescent so set on breaking free... it's often a recipe for disaster.

 

[CharleyH]

I always loved my mother, though as a teenager there are loads of things that can really piss you off. That's what being a teenager is like. I don't think you could have a single cutting moment, without a lot of teenage angst leading up to it.

When I was young, the thing that grated me the most was when she said things like:

"You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. You ruined my life and took my childhood. If you had not been born I would have had such a better life, and the rest of family would not be so poor."

Other possibilities from people I have known:
- I had a friend whose mother used to lock him in the basement for days on end after he had done something minor, in case the police came looking for him. She was mentally ill, I have no doubt.
- I knew a woman with two teenage girls. For some reason the eldest child (who was a trouble causing bitch) could do no wrong in mothers eyes, yet the sweet younger child was unfairly criticised and punished with absolutely no good reason. The girls had different fathers, the oldest's father died an untimely death, and the youngests father used to beat the mother - the suspicion was that mother saw the father in each of the girls.

Well mothers love us... in their way - lets hope we do not repeat them.

 

[wehstar]

You could go the other way and have a controlling, overbearing sort of mother... the kind that smothers with "love." That can induce a kind of murderous hate in a child, esp an adolescent so set on breaking free... it's often a recipe for disaster.

Yep. If your mother was too overbearing, it would take only a single incident to make the kid snap, and go mad with a baseball bat.

 

[CharleyH]

More a story and character question than anything else ...

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Tongue flickering back, MP. I do have a character who HATES her mother ... just trying to feel out a scene. I am truly trying to draw from my life ... but can't. Probably could have when she was alive, but just cant recall in a Stanislovky way... so remind me why we chicks hate our mothers?

we often hate our mothers because they want us to be THEM. They want to live our lives for us, through us. They want to be the young ones again, full of bright potential and hope for a future. We are their legacy, and if we are not up to their expectations, their disappointment is like the weight of the world on our shoulders.

 

[wehstar]

Yep. If your mother was too overbearing, it would take only a single incident to make the kid snap, and go mad with a baseball bat.

Come to think of it, I actually knew a lad who killed his dad. There is no fucking way I'm going to ask him why for you though.

 

[only_more_so]

Really just trying to feel myself out on this one and I can't because both my parents died... so I have a can't recall why in my life I hated them at any time attitude. My character HATES her mother ... Her mother is cold and distant - I am attempting to figure out an EVENT when one might conciously decide to not talk to their parent figures.... I think I have one ... but want to just ask for thoughts ... when does a child truly HATE a parent?

For a child, hate is very easy. Growing up, I loved my parents, but there were times when I would get furious about something that was seemingly small.

Such as: not getting dessert when I was told there would be dessert. Not going to a park/etc when expecting to. Having the parent take another sibling's side (or seeming to). Having a problem belittled, or being ignored.

I think the mere fact that children have an instinctive attachment to their parent's makes all the interactions more potent. So what might only cause a spat, might turn into a full blown tantrum because of the closeness.

 

[MagicaPractica]

Tongue flickering back, MP.

Heh?

I do have a character who HATES her mother ... just trying to feel out a scene. I am truly trying to draw from my life ... but can't. Probably could have when she was alive, but just cant recall in a Stanislovky way... so remind me why we chicks hate our mothers?

I'm going with the teenage daughter kind of stamp your foot, "I hate you!" perspective here and I'm gonna say, because Mom is trying to protect her from making a mistake in her life, doing something reckless. (But that's not real hate in my perspective.)

Real hate on the other hand might come from the perspective that Mom ran Dad off or contempt of Mom for the way she lives her own life. (Though I think it would still be conflicted with love.)

That's the best I can do. Feels kind of trite. Good luck.

 

[Misty_Morning]

When I was a young child I overheard a conversation my mother had with her then boyfriend, who later became my stepfather. They had had an argument about us kids (me and my siblings). He told her her that he hated us kids and tht she needed to decide who was more important in her life, him or us.

Her reply was that her children meant nothing to her, that she would have given us up long before but she needed the child support to get by (yeah, you guessed it...the money sure wasn't going to us kids).

That was the moment I knew I hated my mother. I carried that hate with me for years. Just before she died my father asked me to try to make ammends with her because of her poor health. I would talk with her on the phone and actually got to a point that I didn't want to vomit when I heard her voice.

The night before she went in to get a kidney transplant I told that I would talk to her tomorrow. I was gonna call and have a nurse hold the phone up to her ear even though she would still be out of it.

She died on the operating table. I think I might have cried for a few minutes when I heard the news. The reason I cried was because I was sad at the thought of not knowing what it was like to have a mother that actually loved me, not that she had died.