Would you cheat???

[OceanGoddess]

I'd suggest trying to talk to your partner about it. Have you both dress differently, pre-arrange to "meet" at a bar you don't normally go to, use fake names with each other, . Buy her/him a drink, go to a motel and have wild sex and leave seperately.

So if you've tried things like that for years and things are still the same, and if you've talked to your spouse about the lack of sex for *years* and things are the same, and if you've tried therapy, and seen doctors to make sure the spouse with the low sex drive is ok physically, then what? And if you've explicitly told your spouse many times that if you don't get more sex, you will someday look for it elsewhere .. .then what?

Sometimes the problems is unfixable, and divorce is not a good option.

In that case, I can see why someone would cheat.

 

[theunknown2008]

I had my first take of cheating on my hubby recently (thread) and it was a new kind of thrill. I'm beginning to understand that this is a kind of fetish for some people, including now myself. Just the idea of cheating now gets me wet. I know some people will disagree with doing it, but I am fully willing to accept the consequences when I am caught, and its the thought of getting caught that even turns me on.

Would you cheat on your partner? Does the idea turn you on?

when i meet the woman i plan on marrying no i hope i dont cheat

 

[KrisGallagher]

I have not and will never cheat. There are few things in this world I can control, but the promise of fidelity is one of them.

 

[Calvin]

So if you've tried things like that for years and things are still the same, and if you've talked to your spouse about the lack of sex for *years* and things are the same, and if you've tried therapy, and seen doctors to make sure the spouse with the low sex drive is ok physically, then what? And if you've explicitly told your spouse many times that if you don't get more sex, you will someday look for it elsewhere .. .then what?

Sometimes the problems is unfixable, and divorce is not a good option.

In that case, I can see why someone would cheat.

I can't... cheating then only compounds the problems by adding another issue.... instead of delivering a solution to a series of problems that need to end.... divorce may never be a good option, but it, no matter no hard, is always a better option then compromising your integrity for a few moments of physical pleasure... cause let's face it, you are not getting "love" when you head out the door to cheat....
And if you have gone through all that is described above, then divorce is probably the best choice so that both people can begin anew and heal....

all that said... it is nice that we have had such a great response to this thread, despite all the digressions....

 

[Guttergoddess]

I started my original response with....been there...done that. Yes, I did cheat. Am I proud of it? No. Did I do it for all the "usual" reasons? Yup. Did it hurt him? Yup. Did it guarantee that an already tenuous marriage didn't hold on? Yup. I don't judge people for doing it (that would be the pot calling the kettle black) I don't even advise against it, I just advise to THINK before you ACT!

And Oh yeah, would I do it again?? HELL NO!

 

[KrisGallagher]

*****

 

[Calvin]

I started my original response with....been there...done that. Yes, I did cheat. Am I proud of it? No. Did I do it for all the "usual" reasons? Yup. Did it hurt him? Yup. Did it guarantee that an already tenuous marriage didn't hold on? Yup. I don't judge people for doing it (that would be the pot calling the kettle black) I don't even advise against it, I just advise to THINK before you ACT!

And Oh yeah, would I do it again?? HELL NO!

well spoken... the problem of course is that many people do not think before they act.... for a variety of reasons....
and then... it is just a matter of damage control.....

 

[Guttergoddess]

Kris, I don't know whether it would stop the person, or make them "justify" it, but that's on their conscience. I know with me, if I ever catch myself considering it, I think about what I put my ex through....and it's enough to make me decide I love my man too much to do that again.

 

[Calvin]

Unfortunitly... we all do things in life that we regret... and we go through many processes in an attempt to "justify" them so they ease the pain that gnaws away inside us.... many of the things we have no control over... such as being in a war and choosing between taking a life or giving your own.... and then some of them we can... like making that decision to not step into anothers arms.... when your partner (me) thinks you are at the movies.... there... now my confession is out....
There is never a way to make the pain go away fully....

 

[Guttergoddess]

Calvin for your pain

 

[Onanymous]

...divorce...is always a better option then compromising your integrity for a few moments of physical pleasure... cause let's face it, you are not getting "love" when you head out the door to cheat....
And if you have gone through all that is described above, then divorce is probably the best choice so that both people can begin anew and heal....

Umm...No, it's sex that you are after when you head out the door.

So...it's "always better" to divorce someone you love in order to have sex with someone you don't?

This sounds like religious dogma.....

 

[Calvin]

Umm...No, it's sex that you are after when you head out the door.

Yes... I think that that point was clear.... as I said...."cause let's face it, you are not getting "love" when you head out the door to cheat...." so there is not much left.....

So...it's "always better" to divorce someone you love in order to have sex with someone you don't?

I am certainly not saying that "divorce" is always the best option but I certainly would not say if your relationship is going down the tubes that it is a very smart thing to go cheat.... from my experience, it just adds another nail in the coffin....

This sounds like religious dogma.....

If you think you are getting "religious dogma" from moi, you are very very far off base....

just have strong feelings about cheating and about hurting others when you have a choice....

 

[Calvin]

Calvin for your pain

thank you sweet lady... it is a dull pain anymore....

 

[Guttergoddess]

Dull pains hurt longer than sharp ones.

 

[BostonPhil]

I have to honest with everyone, I'm very surprised how the men and women both reacted in this thread. I honestly expected the guys to find cheating more acceptable, and the women to find it appauling.

I hope my wife doesn't feel the same way.

Well, to answer the questions myself, Would I cheat? a resounding NO!

Am I turned on by the thought of cheating? Honestly, Yes, since I like most men wonder what that "hot chick" would be like in bed.

I have been cheated on myself by former girlfriends, and did not enjoy the feeling of betrayal. This is the fuel for the fire that burns for my wife. I love and respect her, and would never want to hurt her. We also have children, and that brings up a whole other aspect of the arguement.

I would never cheat, my wife knows that. That brings up an interesting dilemma, she also knows that I would like to be with another woman, and tells me she'd love to watch me with another woman.

If I were to have sex with another woman with her consent, is that considered cheating?

Also would I be selfish for not reciprocating? I know the thought of my wife, the mother of my children, being with another man absolutely frightens and disgusts me. Anyone care to comment on this?

 

[Calvin]

Dull pains hurt longer than sharp ones.

yes.... because the sharp pains become dull ones and they are cumulative....

 

[Onanymous]

and I am certainly not saying that "divorce" is always the best option but I certainly would not say if your relationship is going down the tubes that it is a very smart thing to go cheat.... from my experience, it just adds another nail in the coffin....

Oh, I thought you said it's a better option than cheating.

And if you think you are getting "religious dogma" from moi, you are very very far off base....

Umm...Doesn't the whole idea of monogamous marriage come from Judeo-Christian religious beliefs?

but I certainly would not say if your relationship is going down the tubes that it is a very smart thing to go cheat.... from my experience, it just adds another nail in the coffin....

That's probably true. But what if your relationship is really pretty good except for sex? Then what? (Well, then folks spend time here, I guess...)

just have strong feelings about cheating and about hurting others when you have a choice....

If the other partner isn't interested in sex, how can they be hurt if you've gone elsewhere?

Have I cheated? No, and I don't think I could. But I certainly understand why someone would....

 

[Guttergoddess]

OMG, it's 2:30! guess if I'm gonna pretend to be functional in 5 hours..I should get my butt to bed......alone....*sigh*

See....this is when I wish I'd be willing to cheat!

 

[Guttergoddess]

If the other partner isn't interested in sex, how can they be hurt if you've gone elsewhere?

Have you ever been involved in this kind of relationship? I have...and you have to realize that just because they're not interested in sex, they don't "normally" think that it's ok for you to go elsewhere (unless you've discussed it in advance, and then, technically, it's not cheating). I can tell you from experience LYING is almost always taken as a direct hit to their heart.

 

[Calvin]

OMG, it's 2:30! guess if I'm gonna pretend to be functional in 5 hours..I should get my butt to bed......alone....*sigh*

See....this is when I wish I'd be willing to cheat!

sweet juicy dreams to you....

 

[Onanymous]

Have you ever been involved in this kind of relationship? I have...and you have to realize that just because they're not interested in sex, they don't "normally" think that it's ok for you to go elsewhere (unless you've discussed it in advance, and then, technically, it's not cheating). I can tell you from experience LYING is almost always taken as a direct hit to their heart.

No, I have only been in relationships where I *was* interested in sex and the other person went elsewhere. And now, where the other person is not going elsewhere, but not interested in sex, either...

Isn't it unfair for one one partner to deny the opportunity to have sex to the other? Isn't that selfish, inconsiderate and hurtful? Can't a lack of interest in sex can also be taken as a direct hit to the heart?

 

[Calvin]

Oh, I thought you said it's a better option than cheating.

For me, ending a crumbling relationship would be (and has been) a better option then hurting my partner (and comprimising my integrity) by cheating on them....

Umm...Doesn't the whole idea of monogamous marriage come from Judeo-Christian religious beliefs?

Probably... but please don't think you are getting any of these thoughts from me because my motivations are in any way based on religious dogma....

That's probably true. But what if your relationship is really pretty good except for sex? Then what? (Well, then folks spend time here, I guess...)

Or find some way to work it out with your partner.... which, ultimatly, if it is that important to you, and a comprimise/solution cannot be reached, might mean splitting....

If the other partner isn't interested in sex, how can they be hurt if you've gone elsewhere?

Guttergoddess has this one covered well...

Have I cheated? No, and I don't think I could. But I certainly understand why someone would....

Yes... unfortunitly... so do I... and it normally is due to satisfing our own needs without thinking of the consequences to others....

 

[allmeister]

my two cents

I have never cheated on a girlfriend and I will never do it. I know that because I just couldn´t hurt the person I´m with. However I´ve been with a married woman before and even so ,I felt bad for her husband ,I did enjoy it (I saw her for about 6 month until they moved) and would most likley do it again. So where´s the moral here??

 

[SweetErika]

I have never cheated or been cheated on. The thought and act of having sex with others is exciting, but the thought of cheating is not. I have been in situations where I could have cheated, BUT the thought of how my husband would feel...how I would feel either keeping it from or telling him...was enough to deter me.

When I wanted to have sex with other women, I was terrified of possibly hurting him, but I told him. He said he loved me, wanted me to be happy, and supported it.

When I've fallen into relationships with other men, again, he supported my happiness. We discussed scenarios, feelings, and groundrules, all of which I have gladly followed. I'd be proud to support his happiness in the same way.

We have a fantastic relationship and sex life. He knows I'm here, and I'm here because I love sex, learning, the good conversation on all subjects, and the great community here.

Maybe our situation isn't the norm, but I can't help but think about what I would have missed out on and the pain I'd experience if I chose to cheat instead of be honest and communicate with my partner. I believe I was rewarded for doing the right thing by being honest and communicating, even though it was really difficult.

If our sex life wasn't so great, or I felt there was really something missing, I can honestly say I'd tell him, put everything I had into fixing it, and end the relationship if that didn't work. I can't see any good reason to not tell him I'm so unhappy, or live with the burden of my guilt and his possible pain. If everything else was okay, he'd agree to open the relationship, or we'd remain friends.

But my point is that our relationship is a MUTUAL/JOINT thing. If I make the choice to go outside of it, he deserves to have the opportunity to determine how it happens or to end it. Plus, even if I'm careful, I could be putting his health (and life) at risk, and he deserves to know and decide whether or not that's a chance HE wants to take. That's what I'd want him to do, so I'm simply treating him in a manner consistent with how I want to be treated. We may not be monogamous, but we're faithful and committed to ourselves and each other. That seems simple and fair enough to me.

 

[allmeister]

originally posted by sweet erika
I have never cheated or been cheated on

I don´t want upset you but I don´t think anyone can say they´ve never been cheated on. You never found out maybe but that´s it. The womans husband I´ve been with never knew.