Would really, really love some technical sort of feedback <3

[IzzyAndy]

OK, so this is my first Lit submission. It got a green E thing which apparently means Editor's Pick or something like that, so that made me pretty happy. It also got several complimentary comments, which were lovely.

Thing is, though, although it is very helpful to know that my story's hitting all the right spots in terms of sexiness, it would be even more useful to know a bit more. For example, how did it do on pacing? Were the characters reasonably fleshed-out? Despite trying to cut down, have I still overused adverbial dialogue tags? Etc, etc.

If anyone could comment alongside those sorts of lines here or PM, or on the story, I don't mind where, that would be wonderful. Thank you very much in advance.

Category: Gay Male
3 Lit pages long.
http://www.literotica.com/s/hitchhiking

 

[podga]

Well, you've asked for feedback on the technical aspects. I'm highly unqualified to provide that, so feel free to disregard anything you don't agree with or doesn't make sense. They're just personal reactions to what I thought was a very enjoyable and well-written story.

Grammar, punctuation, syntax all looked fine to me (should be obvious, but in too many stories it just ain't). I liked the pacing, as well, and the lively descriptions.

There were a couple of places, where continuity seemed a bit off; while I was reading it, I thought you might have written something different originally and then edited. For example, I thought Alan might be Max's boyfriend, whom he's going to visit in Glasgow, but then there is reference to his being straight and his name never comes up again. Also this phrase "But this tasted so good and the feeling of pure power that came with having their most prized possession between your teeth was too good to pass up." seemed oddly removed from the rest of Max's thoughts and actions at that time.

The final thing I've got, and I've never resolved it for myself either, is the amount of personal narrative to put in a 3rd person story. I think you were right to pick 3rd person, because I felt that allowed for a livelier presentation of Max; you may not have been able to be quite as descriptive if Max himself were speaking. That being the case, however, there were a couple of small points where it seemed like you were wavering between 1st and 3rd, for example here: "Oh, and he was outside in this." and here: "What Mom had told him..." Not that you need to preface everything by "he thought" but a 3rd person narrator probably would have exclaimed and would have referred to "his Mom". That being said, I didn't notice anything similar further down the story, so it either just hit me because it was right at the start, or I was too into the action to notice later on.

I look forward to reading more stories by you!

 

[PennLady]

I'd say that if you'd fallen down on character or plot, you likely wouldn't have gotten the E.

 

[IzzyAndy]

Thank you very much, podga! I'm never sure how to balance 3rd person thoughts, no. I can't write in 1st though, just sounds like me on drugs. I'll make sure to pay attention to that.

I have to say, the continuity thing is worrying if it's that obvious - I did the cardinal sin of writing the sex first and then fiddling around with it to make it have something even vaguely resembling a set-up. So yeah, bother, won't do that again! I forget that this is the first thing I've posted in this "universe" if you like; Max and the others are so well-established in my brain that I didn't even realised I'd just dropped Alan in like that with no real explanation.

PennLady: That is of course a very good point! I suppose I wanted a bit of "this is right, yes, but THIS is wrong" sort of thing - proof XD.

Thank you both very much.

 

[podga]

...Max and the others are so well-established in my brain that I didn't even realised I'd just dropped Alan in like that with no real explanation....

Oh, God, tell me about it. Not just people, but motivations, background, etc, it's all in my head and I think I've gotten the pertinent (but not superfluous and/or just plain weird) information in my story, and it all makes perfect sense to me. And then somebody is kind enough to provide feedback (generally privately, if you stick with the gay male category public feedback is generally kind and in many instances enthusiastic) and I realize that what I thought I wrote and what I did write were not one and the same.

Funny about your writing the sex scene first! I'm the other way around, even though sex figures oh, so prominently in my brain, it takes time to write in all its glorious detail, so I generally insert an "expand sex bit here" placeholder and move on, then come back to it during the multiple edits.

 

[PennLady]

Okay, I just read it. Everything was fine, as far as I could tell. The mention of Alan didn't take anything away -- I have characters mention friends and family that never again figure in. But people know people, and they get mentioned.

One thing about Max got me. This sentence: "It's a good job he earns a decent amount or he'd not have much more than four walls and a floor." For an American, that's a very British way of saying something. There were a few more small examples, but that's the one that jumped out at me.

And yes, realism tried to bump its way in. Knowing what I do of small European cars, I found it pretty amusing to imagine two full-grown men trying to get it on in the backseat. I also kept thinking that in a traffic jam, no one notices what Max and Douglas are doing? Not one person gives them a weird look? And as someone else said -- no mention of condoms? Although again, people do have dangerous encounters with strangers, even today.

I'm not sure that helps, but -- the characters were fine, and the pacing as well.

 

[IzzyAndy]

Knew the Britishisms would insinuate themselves in somewhere, crap. How would an American phrase that sort of thing, then? And what were the other smaller examples, if you can remember at all? Thanks.

Ah, the condoms thing was another result of the "writing sex before situation" thing - originally in my head these two had become a couple and knew the other was clean. Then my brain went NO, WRITE THE BEGINNING. >< As for the rest of the realism, well, what can I say? People are blind XD, and in my opinion sex in the BMW I'm thinking is certainly doable. It's no massive US car though, no. *ponders*

Anyway, thank you very much. I shall work on sounding more American, and start thinking plot before sex!

 

[PennLady]

Knew the Britishisms would insinuate themselves in somewhere, crap. How would an American phrase that sort of thing, then? And what were the other smaller examples, if you can remember at all? Thanks.

Well, being an American myself, I would have written: "It's a good thing he makes a decent salary or he'd be living in a cardboard box." Or something like that.

Ah, the condoms thing was another result of the "writing sex before situation" thing - originally in my head these two had become a couple and knew the other was clean. Then my brain went NO, WRITE THE BEGINNING. >< As for the rest of the realism, well, what can I say? People are blind XD, and in my opinion sex in the BMW I'm thinking is certainly doable. It's no massive US car though, no. *ponders*

Anyway, thank you very much. I shall work on sounding more American, and start thinking plot before sex!

I'm not criticizing too much on the condoms. I've written plenty of sex myself without any protection or contraception mentioned. I'd just think that at least one of the guys in your story would have thought of it, and that one might even carry a condom in their wallet. Either one. For Max, it might just be what you do, since he grew up sort of "after" the AIDS thread; for Douglas, he would have been there when it was discovered and strikes me as a guy who wouldn't take chances. Still, not having one is not a deal-breaker.

It is tough when you have stuff in your head that you forget to put in your story. I do that and in fact did a fair bit of it recently with my story "Morning Sun". That's one reason a beta reader and/or editor can be helpful.

As for the car, I think I forgot it was a BMW (I'm not much on cars), but that makes a bit of difference. I was in London twice and I just remember a lot of small cars.

I'd be happy to help with any Americanisms, and will re-check the story later for any other British-isms that catch my eye.

Plot before sex, yes, but also think about how the plot leads to the sex.

 

[SydneyBlake]

Very good

Afraid I didn't stare at the mechanics, but I left a public comment. I thought it was great, and I'm quite envious of your "E"!

 

[IzzyAndy]

Thank you very much, SydneyBlake, your comment was great! Yeah, I'm still kicking myself for the condom thing I wish there was a way to edit it in or something!

I'm obviously delighted about the E, but it happened completely by accident and I bet it'll never happen again. Oh well, will try to aim for an H! xD Not that I know how that gets awarded either. :S

Thank, everyone! You're all so great!

 

[IzzyAndy]

Oh, forgot:

I'd be happy to help with any Americanisms, and will re-check the story later for any other British-isms that catch my eye.

You. Seriously. I mean obviously I'd never be able to get a completely American voice going because so much of it is just in stuff like sentence structure that I don't even consider, but I'm definitely trying to get Max down.

 

[PennLady]

A story gets an H when it gets 10 votes (I think) that average to 4.5 or higher.

 

[SydneyBlake]

Thank you very much, SydneyBlake, your comment was great! Yeah, I'm still kicking myself for the condom thing I wish there was a way to edit it in or something!:

Instructions on how to edit a submission are given in the submissions FAQ.

 

[IzzyAndy]

Ooh, so they are. Thanks, I'll try and do that today