Bazzle
Smoking Hot
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2021
- Posts
- 1,155
@Devinter asked me if I would like some feed back for a couple of my stories
They kindly gave me some private feedback on Climbing up the Bank which made me feel better. As such I asked permission to share publicly.
Climbing up the bank. https://literotica.com/s/climbing-up-the-bank
You make each character come to life effortlessly with tiny details that just stick out in the best of ways. That's a skill that few authors seem to possess around these parts and I think you deserve tremendous credit for that. Some of the characters - Lauren in particular - feels a bit like the embodiment of a typical teenager from her era, and some might therefore find her predictable. However, I don't think that embracing the stereotype is a negative. In fact, stereotypes exist for a reason, and I think it actually adds a feeling or nostalgia to the tale as I'm sure everyone knew at least one "Lauren" growing up; probably several!
Now, for the sex scenes: A+! Outstanding, in my opinion. Better than most I've read. The way you so effortlessly paint the picture - or at least it feels effortless to the reader - is marvellous. My only gripe with it was that I'd want them to be longer. That first tryst in the red Golf was highly captivating already. Now, I understand that perhaps for you and your readers, the focus needs to be on the smoking fetish. I understand that 100%! But adding one or two more paragraphs of 'regular sex stuff' would allow you to cast a wider net, and you're damn good at it.
I mean, several times you briefly mention the sex, but the reader never gets to really embrace it together with the characters to the fullest. That's perfectly fine in a plot-driven story, though it works slightly less well in what I would say is primarily a fetish-driven one. Just a little more spice here and there during those moments before the smoking would likely not be something your readers would disapprove of.
The escalation - moving the story forward, and making it 'hotter' - is also done really well. I don't quite understand the fetish itself, but that's irrelevant; It's starting to take focus more and more, and each scenes pushes it further. That's exactly the way to do it with any fetish, really. It makes the smoking the highlight and star of the show, and that's your goal. You get there flawlessly.
You also have a clearly defined beginning, middle part, and end. Each of the three acts are poignant and effective at doing exactly what they're meant to do. The dialogue during the character introductions felt really on-point but it honestly only got better from there!
Now..
A few negatives, if you do not mind, since the ultimate goal here is to snap up a few things you're good at and others that might need some work, right?
Firstly, the way you divide some of your sentences up makes it rather challenging to read. I'll give you one example:
" Of the few important things her mum had taught her. Doing her make up properly was one of them. "If you need to get on in life, you need to look the part." She would religiously say. "
I would change this into:
" Of the few important things her mum had taught her, doing her make up properly was one of them. "If you need to get on in life, you need to look the part," she would religiously say. "
It's the smallest of differences but at least my brain stops for the briefest of moments every time it comes across a dot, and it interrupts the flow. That being said, switching it up can be very effective when you want the reader to pause for a moment and really think about what's being said, but I would leave it to those specific situations. I make this stylistic mistake myself a lot, which is why it sticks out to me - that, or I write sentences that just goes on forever, which is arguably even worse!
On another note, I realize that you have a specific target audience in mind for your stories and that health-and-safety might not be a priority for this group of people, but I reckon adding scenes with 'extra endangerment' might put some people off, like how casually they speak of drunk driving and so on. If you want to play it safe, then in the future it might be wise to have at least one character question bad decisions like that - internally, if nothing else. Can still proceed the same way; just showing that reaction can be a good thing, and actually adds realism to a scene as well.
Also, I truly do recommend using all ten tags. Once your story disappears from the "new stories" page, that's how people find it. The tags can even be really similar to one another, just like you added both "smoking" and "smoking fetish". For instance, I would have thrown "Teenager" and "18-year-old" in there for certain. Lots of people reminiscing about their teenage years would LOVE this story. I think you're doing yourself a disservice by not adding ten tags to every story, truth be told.
Finally, you labelled this story as a "romantic coming of age story". I saw the "coming of age" part clear as day, and I think you did a commendable job with setting the scenes with the clever references you used and so on, but the romantic aspect was completely lost on me. That being said, I had a good time reading this story, and although you did say that this was one of your better works, this proves that you absolutely have what it takes. So I hope that, in the future, you'll be less harsh on yourself. I did not find your work mundane or unexciting. Predictable, perhaps, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It truly felt like a real story - a slice out of someone's life. Not every tale needs a fantastical one-in-a-million plotline. There is beauty in painting a picture that so many people can relate to. But it was unromantic, especially if you tried hard not to make it so. But hey - this story isn't in the Romance category, so if that's a plus or a minus is truly up to each individual reader. I've posted a lot in the fetish category and I'm not sure that most people come there for the romance aspect. 
They kindly gave me some private feedback on Climbing up the Bank which made me feel better. As such I asked permission to share publicly.
Climbing up the bank. https://literotica.com/s/climbing-up-the-bank
You make each character come to life effortlessly with tiny details that just stick out in the best of ways. That's a skill that few authors seem to possess around these parts and I think you deserve tremendous credit for that. Some of the characters - Lauren in particular - feels a bit like the embodiment of a typical teenager from her era, and some might therefore find her predictable. However, I don't think that embracing the stereotype is a negative. In fact, stereotypes exist for a reason, and I think it actually adds a feeling or nostalgia to the tale as I'm sure everyone knew at least one "Lauren" growing up; probably several!
Now, for the sex scenes: A+! Outstanding, in my opinion. Better than most I've read. The way you so effortlessly paint the picture - or at least it feels effortless to the reader - is marvellous. My only gripe with it was that I'd want them to be longer. That first tryst in the red Golf was highly captivating already. Now, I understand that perhaps for you and your readers, the focus needs to be on the smoking fetish. I understand that 100%! But adding one or two more paragraphs of 'regular sex stuff' would allow you to cast a wider net, and you're damn good at it.
I mean, several times you briefly mention the sex, but the reader never gets to really embrace it together with the characters to the fullest. That's perfectly fine in a plot-driven story, though it works slightly less well in what I would say is primarily a fetish-driven one. Just a little more spice here and there during those moments before the smoking would likely not be something your readers would disapprove of.The escalation - moving the story forward, and making it 'hotter' - is also done really well. I don't quite understand the fetish itself, but that's irrelevant; It's starting to take focus more and more, and each scenes pushes it further. That's exactly the way to do it with any fetish, really. It makes the smoking the highlight and star of the show, and that's your goal. You get there flawlessly.
You also have a clearly defined beginning, middle part, and end. Each of the three acts are poignant and effective at doing exactly what they're meant to do. The dialogue during the character introductions felt really on-point but it honestly only got better from there!
Now..
A few negatives, if you do not mind, since the ultimate goal here is to snap up a few things you're good at and others that might need some work, right?
Firstly, the way you divide some of your sentences up makes it rather challenging to read. I'll give you one example:
" Of the few important things her mum had taught her. Doing her make up properly was one of them. "If you need to get on in life, you need to look the part." She would religiously say. "
I would change this into:
" Of the few important things her mum had taught her, doing her make up properly was one of them. "If you need to get on in life, you need to look the part," she would religiously say. "
It's the smallest of differences but at least my brain stops for the briefest of moments every time it comes across a dot, and it interrupts the flow. That being said, switching it up can be very effective when you want the reader to pause for a moment and really think about what's being said, but I would leave it to those specific situations. I make this stylistic mistake myself a lot, which is why it sticks out to me - that, or I write sentences that just goes on forever, which is arguably even worse!
On another note, I realize that you have a specific target audience in mind for your stories and that health-and-safety might not be a priority for this group of people, but I reckon adding scenes with 'extra endangerment' might put some people off, like how casually they speak of drunk driving and so on. If you want to play it safe, then in the future it might be wise to have at least one character question bad decisions like that - internally, if nothing else. Can still proceed the same way; just showing that reaction can be a good thing, and actually adds realism to a scene as well.
Also, I truly do recommend using all ten tags. Once your story disappears from the "new stories" page, that's how people find it. The tags can even be really similar to one another, just like you added both "smoking" and "smoking fetish". For instance, I would have thrown "Teenager" and "18-year-old" in there for certain. Lots of people reminiscing about their teenage years would LOVE this story. I think you're doing yourself a disservice by not adding ten tags to every story, truth be told.
Finally, you labelled this story as a "romantic coming of age story". I saw the "coming of age" part clear as day, and I think you did a commendable job with setting the scenes with the clever references you used and so on, but the romantic aspect was completely lost on me.
That being said, I had a good time reading this story, and although you did say that this was one of your better works, this proves that you absolutely have what it takes. So I hope that, in the future, you'll be less harsh on yourself. I did not find your work mundane or unexciting. Predictable, perhaps, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It truly felt like a real story - a slice out of someone's life. Not every tale needs a fantastical one-in-a-million plotline. There is beauty in painting a picture that so many people can relate to. But it was unromantic, especially if you tried hard not to make it so. But hey - this story isn't in the Romance category, so if that's a plus or a minus is truly up to each individual reader. I've posted a lot in the fetish category and I'm not sure that most people come there for the romance aspect. 
