Would love Feedback on my WIP

[Mikethe3DGuy2]

Hi All,

This story wasn't originally intended to be anything other than a treatment for a visual novel (the male protagonist, Brian, would be the "player"). It still is that, but I realized at some point I wanted to turn it into a readable story as well, so went back to make it so. Hopefully I succeeded. There are 11 chapters so far.

Interested in ANY and ALL feedback and critique of whatever portion you've got the time to read. Especially wondering if my pacing is okay and whether it's overly wordy.

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any replies. I put it in "Fetish" category, but probably should have gone with BDSM.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-alpha-gender-ch-01
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-alpha-gender-ch-02
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-alpha-gender-ch-03
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-alpha-gender-ch-04
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-alpha-gender-ch-05
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-alpha-gender-ch-06
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-alpha-gender-ch-07
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-alpha-gender-ch-08
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-alpha-gender-ch-09
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-alpha-gender-ch-10
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-alpha-gender-ch-11

 

[Mikethe3DGuy2]

A Little More Info...

I realized I didn't describe the story, which might be helpful.

It's sort of sci-fi "light" based on a worldwide occurrence of physiological and neurophysiological changes happening to women. There are some scientific clues to what caused it but in general they are poorly understood, at least at first. The changes result in a role reversal between the genders.

The story deals with one man's attempt to navigate this new world.

 

[Jada59]

That's all over my head. Sorry. I'll let someone else tackle it.

 

[AlinaX]

~ mutters something snarky about second person present tense ~

One thought. You start with a conversation on the radio. It's not a bad idea, being a standard trope in apocalyptic fiction, but it would work better as snatches of conversation against some other activity.

... a new women's high jump record ... beats the longstanding men's record ... by 14 inches ...

In this case, also, the reporter wouldn't be asking the athlete to explain what she'd just done, but you could have had an anchor chatting with a sports reporter.

 

[Mikethe3DGuy2]

One thought. You start with a conversation on the radio. It's not a bad idea, being a standard trope in apocalyptic fiction, but it would work better as snatches of conversation against some other activity.

... a new women's high jump record ... beats the longstanding men's record ... by 14 inches ...

In this case, also, the reporter wouldn't be asking the athlete to explain what she'd just done, but you could have had an anchor chatting with a sports reporter.

Thanks. Sure, that probably would have integrated better.