Would like some feedback

[RandyPanda]

Hello all. i'm relatively new here so please be kind.

I've posted some stories and while i'm kinda happy with the star rating I've received, the stars don't really help when it comes to advice on where i'm going wrong or where I could do better. Please critique my work.

https://www.literotica.com/s/travis-gets-some-pt-01-brooke
https://www.literotica.com/s/travis-gets-some-pt-02-harriette
https://www.literotica.com/s/travis-gets-some-pt-03

I have a final story to finish this series which needs lots of polishing so I wanted to get some tips on how to better my writing. Thanks in advance

 

[Mastered_again]

I read part 1.
Technically, the spelling and grammar are good.
The story has some issues with his aunt. At first, she's very supportive and appreciates his help with her son. Once he sneaks off for his tryst and returns, the aunt gets all pissy without much explanation. A definite bump in the road. It might have been more consistent if she'd teased him about it instead, if they're as close as it seems.

The sex scene was okay, but very much, I did this, she did that, which doesn't convey much passion, so kind of ho-hum for me.

 

[RandyPanda]

Okay noted on the sex scene because that will likely be a recurring theme. So I'll try to better it in that respect.

For storyline issue I think you're right. I tried to convey his aunt has a short temper but usually gets over it quickly. I'll try to better convey things like that in future.

Thanks

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on publishing your first few stories. I read all three parts. It's difficult to properly critique an on-going story so some of the points may be answered later.

1) The first part has a clear selling point - sex at an amusement park in the changing rooms. The second part is a little less clear in this regard - two friends go out, get drunk and have sex - good for them, but there's not really a fantasy part. The third part, seducing your aunt is somewhere in between, especially as the aunt is so close in age to the main character. However, the advice on this forum is generally to try and stick to a catagory rather than hop around and I think this especially true if you're going to leap into Incest in part three without much warning.

2) I think you've kind of made it more difficult for yourself by having each chapter be a sexual encounter with a different girl, but also having the different girls show up in each others chapters. The main character is kind of bouncing around between them and I don't really know at the moment if there's going to ultimately be 'a point' to the story - there doesn't have to be if the sex is hot in each chapter. However, in part one, you introduce five named characters only to have the main character go off and fuck a sixth with little build up for her. We'll get to know these characters more properly in parts two and three, but to begin with it's confusing for the reader. Looking back at part one after reading parts two and three, I can see that you are laying some groundwork for Harriet and Janelle to have feelings for the main character, but the first time reading through the conversation after the bathroom sex seems unnecessary - readers probably tune out a bit after the sex. It's not the most elegant way to do it, but I think this could have benefited with some explicit explaination of the overall arc of the story - "This is the story of how I came to fuck my aunt. But to tell that story, you first need to know how I came to fuck my classmate in the changing rooms at Adventure World..."

3) The main character is a bit of a blank slate. That can be okay, because we can imagine ourselves in the story, but we do get almost no information about him apart from his name and age. He seems to be good with women, but also seems fairly passive (upto part three) - women just want to fuck him. Again that's fine as a fantasy, but I'd have liked at least a few more details.

4) I don't like the way the telephone converstation is written in part three with just names and then the spoken text - it feels a bit lazy and stands out from the rest of the story. I prefer not to have long phone conversations in my story and would usually arrange for them to meet in person so they can see each others reactions.

 

[RandyPanda]

That's some great advice. Thanks.

Take away points for me
1) stick to one genre. I have to admit I did notice a difference in views from one category to another.

2) as I'm a learner writer I didn't have much of a 'point' to the story. Definitely an area open for big improvement. I've got one last part that is interracial. At the end I was going to say he 'got some pussy, got some anal, got some incest, got some interracial. Admittedly it's a pretty weak point.

3) work on main character. Looking back at it I guess he comes across as a bit of a ghost.

4) no phone conversations. Now I know why I don't read it in others stories

Thank you

 

[Priscilla_June]

Hey! I also am relatively new here, just wanted to drop in and say I enjoyed part 1, very much liked the setting the family dynamics you had behind the main character. Only thing other would perhaps the girl, having some more depth? Really just a suggestion? I guess at the onset of the story I wasn’t sure where she was coming from or why she was throwing herself at him. But this could also be a concious chocie of yours so I figured id just mention it as a thought.

Cheers though for a great story