Just posted my first story, would love some feedback

[GeorgeAbernathy]

It's a very vanilla 750-worder, I'm afraid. I feel good about the dialogue but I'm not super confident about the sexy stuff, as I've never written anything this explicit before. Would love some feedback from experienced readers.

https://www.literotica.com/s/inch-by-inch-1

 

[SyleusSnow]

Congrats on the 750. Fun, aren't they?

So do you want comments sent to you privately, or are you okay with a public flogging right here?

 

[nice90sguy]

My take (as anamateur writer):

The voices are pretty realistic, but it's too dialog-heavy. It looks to me like you were so keen to get all the dialog into the 750 words that you made it hard to read. You used "he" and "she" exculsively, but readers would find it easier with names to latch onto. And it's hard to track who's talking without a few "he/she said"s.

So, in sum, you needed to cut some dialog and improve the readability of the longer interchanges.

 

[ElectricBlue]

My take (as anamateur writer):

The voices are pretty realistic, but it's too dialog-heavy. It looks to me like you were so keen to get all the dialog into the 750 words that you made it hard to read. You used "he" and "she" exculsively, but readers would find it easier with names to latch onto. And it's hard to track who's talking without a few "he/she said"s.

So, in sum, you needed to cut some dialog and improve the readability of the longer interchanges.

Agree this. It's hard to get lost in 750 words with only two characters, but I did. Too much dialogue, and too much back story to try to figure out.

 

[AlinaX]

I like the first half. You needed a clear section break between waiting for the Uber and being in the basement. The sex I found mostly confusing, and I didn't really understand what their relationship actually was. She wants him to be her Daddy, and he likes to deny her this roleplay... and meanwhile they fuck?