My wife & I are in our late 30's. She has lately hinted that she finds women attractive but when I try to talk about it out side of the bedroom she clams up. She did this 18 yrs ago when we first dated, then she went through a real prudish period. I'm getting confused. Did any of you ladies go through this? How can I get her to open up? It really turns me on to think she might be bi.
Wife hints that women turn her on sexually but...
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LindaL
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I was like that too, once upon a time. I had trouble coming to grips with my attraction for women. I'd get turned on by watching adult movies with hub, and he'd note how responsive I'd seem to be when watching two women interact. In the heat of the moment, I'd admit to my excitement over it, but after I'd be a bit embarrassed, and clam up.
Frankly, my advice is to just be supportive of her and not push the issue. When it comes up again (and it probably will), just let her know you're ok with it, and maybe even that you find it sort of exciting to hear about it, but then back off. At least that's what hub did for me, and gradually I came to terms with it. But it was at least in part helped out by his quiet support and acceptance, and not a strong campaign to get me to look at that side of me, and set up a hot threesome! LOL
Hope that helps.
Frankly, my advice is to just be supportive of her and not push the issue. When it comes up again (and it probably will), just let her know you're ok with it, and maybe even that you find it sort of exciting to hear about it, but then back off. At least that's what hub did for me, and gradually I came to terms with it. But it was at least in part helped out by his quiet support and acceptance, and not a strong campaign to get me to look at that side of me, and set up a hot threesome! LOL
Hope that helps.
Xectxny19X
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Just let her know that you'll always be there if she wants to talk about it whenever that may be. 
SweetErika
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This may be controversial, but I'd suggest telling her that if she wants to explore alone or together, you'll be fine with it. A lot of women (myself included) would absolutely love to fulfill their partner's fantasies, but are terrified of the feelings and potential problems that come with a threesome (even if hubby just watches). Sometimes we start to get paranoid with the threesome suggestions...'does this mean he wants to have sex with another woman? I'm not good enough?'...so it's often best to offer solo exploration with your full support and make groundrules together. As it turns out, I'm more enthusiastic about the threesome idea (at least him watching and playing with me) now than I was at the beginning.
That's not controversial, that's great insight & advice! That could explain some of her other comments. Last month she wanted me to list my top 5 fantasies. She did the same. When we talked about them, she asked me if I wanted to have sex with some one else (it wasn't on my top 5, but it was on hers). I said sure but I would want her there. Her list included "sex with some one else" she was vague about the gender. She also told me it wouldn't be cheating if she gave me permission. At first I thought maybe she had some voyeristic tendecy. But now I'm wondering if she was feeling out my thoughts on her going alone with some one. What do you ladies think?
SweetErika
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geohow said:
I have no idea, but she may have hoped you would agree that giving her permission wouldn't be cheating either. If you really do feel ok with her exploring on her own, tell her so. The main thing is to keep talking, but don't give permission for anything you don't fully support, as that will breed resentment. My initial reason for wanting to try it solo was because I didn't think I could get an accurate feeling for the experience with a man there. It IS very different with a man there, and it's easy to chalk up the enjoyment to the excitement of trying something new, which can cloud the view of your sexuality.
Even with my husband's full support, it was very difficult to take that step. I didn't feel like it was cheating, but I had to deal with the realization that I wasn't traditionally monogamous and break the association between nonmonogamy and cheating. Lots of love, reassurance, and communication helped a lot.
speedy tortoise
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I had often broached the subject of a threesome with my ex husband but I know now that this was just to cover the guilt that I felt about wanting to be with another woman.
Eventually we did have a threesome, which my ex was totally in to. However, he didn't like the idea of me being with another girl without him.
Our split up was nothing to do with our sex life but it certainly freed me to discover my true self ... an all female, bi-sexual with strong sub tendencies.
Be careful what you wish for .... your wife may suddenly realise that she needs more than you to satisfy her!
Eventually we did have a threesome, which my ex was totally in to. However, he didn't like the idea of me being with another girl without him.
Our split up was nothing to do with our sex life but it certainly freed me to discover my true self ... an all female, bi-sexual with strong sub tendencies.
Be careful what you wish for .... your wife may suddenly realise that she needs more than you to satisfy her!
SweetErika
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speedy tortoise said:
It's funny how that works, isn't it?
I like to be careful with things like "I need more than my husband to be satisfied" because I think they aren't good descriptors and tend breed hurt and jealousy. For me (and most women I've talked to), it's not that men don't satisfy us, it's that they do a great job satisfying the part of us that is attracted to men. Plus, I need, want, and get different things from my husband than I do from women... there's really no comparison.
I agree spouses like geohow need to think beyond the first few experiences, but it's also critical to not cast a "bi-epiphany" in a bad light. It's been challenging for us, but overall, it's improved our relationship a great deal.
LindaL
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Re: Re: Wife hints that women turn her on sexually but...
He told me that anything that was arousing to me was a turnon for him. But that as my husband, he expected to be an active participant in my sexual life. Not the only participant, and not participating in it all the time. But he couldn't see himself being completely shut out of a sexual relationship I was in.
And I agreed with him. Our conclusion: We're a package deal. Anyone who entertains the idea of a sexual relationship with either of us has to accept the idea of a relationship with both of us, in some form.
It works for us.
I asked my husband pretty much that question once. About his support of me when I declared I had a lot of bi thoughts and fantasies.kbate said:
He told me that anything that was arousing to me was a turnon for him. But that as my husband, he expected to be an active participant in my sexual life. Not the only participant, and not participating in it all the time. But he couldn't see himself being completely shut out of a sexual relationship I was in.
And I agreed with him. Our conclusion: We're a package deal. Anyone who entertains the idea of a sexual relationship with either of us has to accept the idea of a relationship with both of us, in some form.
It works for us.
Re: Re: Wife hints that women turn her on sexually but...
Turn me on as much? Yes & no. I guess I really like how LindaL put it. I would want to participate at some level & at some point. Maybe missing the first encounter would be OK, but I wouldn't want to be shut out. I guess my true feelings were shown when she asked me if I would like to have sex with some one else. I said I would but I would want her there.
kbate said:
Turn me on as much? Yes & no. I guess I really like how LindaL put it. I would want to participate at some level & at some point. Maybe missing the first encounter would be OK, but I wouldn't want to be shut out. I guess my true feelings were shown when she asked me if I would like to have sex with some one else. I said I would but I would want her there.
Etoile
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Re: Re: Wife hints that women turn her on sexually but...
That was going to be my question too. I think "I would want to be involved" is an excellent response as long as it follows what LindaL described rather than a fascination with wanting two chicks at the same time.kbate said:
Pookie
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geohow said:
She could well be bisexual, but not interested in exploring for now. She may feel that her relationship with you is all she needs. She may feel it's all she ever needs. Just because someone is bi doesn't mean they'll feel any need to be with both genders at the same time at anytime, if ever.
Etoile
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This is perfectly normal. There's absolutely no reason why somebody can't become curious about bisexuality at a later time in life. And by the same token, it's possible to grow out of it after any length of time, too. It can be a temporary phase at any time in any person's life, whether they otherwise label themselves gay or straight.Fearny said:About 5 years ago, I went through feelings of Bisexuality for some reason.
I keep hoping it'll hit Jerry Falwell...
John Doe
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SweetErika said:It's funny how that works, isn't it?
I like to be careful with things like "I need more than my husband to be satisfied" because I think they aren't good descriptors and tend breed hurt and jealousy. For me (and most women I've talked to), it's not that men don't satisfy us, it's that they do a great job satisfying the part of us that is attracted to men. Plus, I need, want, and get different things from my husband than I do from women... there's really no comparison.
I'd say that comes across much better than "your wife may suddenly realise that she needs more than you to satisfy her!", which sounds like a cuckold situation, and most men do not react well to such a proposal.
Elmer Keith
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Stuponfucious said:
Yeah, you think Jerry's HOT!!!!!!! You're being shy.
geishaGirl
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Well, LindaL and SweetErika have both said alot of things that I would say about this topic! I am still "in the midst" of finding where I stand as far as being bisexual goes, whereas they appear to speak from an experience of having already been through the questioning and exploring most often associated with realising your sexuality.
As mentioned before, I too would say things, desire things in the heat of the moment and then later in everyday conversation find it difficult to talk about as far as any attraction to women. I still find it a bit difficult to talk about in an ordinary conversation; I'm just not completely comfortable with that part of myself yet.
In any case, it's best not to push your wife, but certainly talking about it in a non-threatening/pushy manner is a good way of trying to open the communication about it up between the two of you. Hopefully then your wife would feel more safe in discussing her thoughts... Gradually as you talk more she will probably find it easier to discuss more aspects of her sexuality, and what that means to her, with you.
I am still "in the midst" of finding where I stand as far as being bisexual goes, whereas they appear to speak from an experience of having already been through the questioning and exploring most often associated with realising your sexuality. As mentioned before, I too would say things, desire things in the heat of the moment and then later in everyday conversation find it difficult to talk about as far as any attraction to women. I still find it a bit difficult to talk about in an ordinary conversation; I'm just not completely comfortable with that part of myself yet.
In any case, it's best not to push your wife, but certainly talking about it in a non-threatening/pushy manner is a good way of trying to open the communication about it up between the two of you. Hopefully then your wife would feel more safe in discussing her thoughts... Gradually as you talk more she will probably find it easier to discuss more aspects of her sexuality, and what that means to her, with you.
Mermaid
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geohow said:
Going back quite a few years, when I was first admitting an attraction to females, I was with a long time partner that I loved dearly. When I found the term "Bisexual" and the definition on some website, I was elated and scared. Elated because I wasn't weird, I was Bisexual! And that there were others out there like me.
I was also scared, because the prevailing thought among the queer folks I knew at the time was that people just went Bi on the way to Gay. I know now that's often not the case. But I was scared at how this would effect my relationship.
The best tool for me at the time, was the internet, and having private time to go and research and talk to folks online. I still use this method when researching something that titilates me. The second best tool, both then and now is a vibe.
But had he or anyone pushed for a threesome, I would have surely clammed up. I agree with those that say not to push her. Also you could ask her if she wants to talk about it more with you, or look for a support type group to explore her feelings with.
Best of Luck to you both!
Mer
