Widows and widowers 2

[oldermale2chat]

I have a question for the group. How do you handle the "widows fire" horny feelings which come on occasionally?
I am not looking to start dating or a relationship as it is too soon, but some occasional female attention would be welcome to experience again, to relieve the hornyness and to feel alive again.

 

[Britva415]

I have a question for the group. How do you handle the "widows fire" horny feelings which come on occasionally?
I am not looking to start dating or a relationship as it is too soon, but some occasional female attention would be welcome to experience again, to relieve the hornyness and to feel alive again.

You could look for this the same way you would look for dating or a relationship - using the same apps. Just make your expectations clear. A lot of women aren't looking for no-strings, but I'm constantly surprised at how many are.

You could also consider paying for it.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

How it is managed varies from person to person. I just know that dating, especially long term, are ripe for scams. I know first hand about scams. There is porn and masturbation, escorts (risky both legal and medically), and apps that focus on no strings and casual sex. The fire was surging at month 4 - 9 and I made some errors in dating. I am now at 17 months since my wife passed away, and the fire is more manageable. If I have any advce, is be patient, not hasty.

 

[Strixaluco]

I went dancing. I had fantasies of something more than that happening, and was prepared for that, but nothing did, of course.
However, dancing as in having someone close to you, really comparable to hugging, and also getting the endorphins, helped.

 

[oldermale2chat]

Yes what I miss is the hand holding, hugs, and teasing we would do together

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Yes what I miss is the hand holding, hugs, and teasing we would do together

I do too. Finding that someone who is willing to do so requires patience.

 

[Strixaluco]

Yes what I miss is the hand holding, hugs, and teasing we would do together

That is, after all, much more important in the long run than sex. (I've experienced missing one or the other, or then both.)

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Last year at about this time I broke up with a lady I had been dating for 6 months. In hindsight, I was not ready, and neither was she. What do I know now that I did not know then? I ignored red flags or warning signs because I missed being loved so much. The red flags were her constant anger at her X whom she divorced 15 years ago as he chronically cheated on her. Then there was her unwillingness to kiss on the lips. I then took 3 months from dating to be alone find out who I was without my lovely late wife. I needed those months and continued therapy to find myself. I felt better about dating, avoiding those people who had the red flags and not feeling my libido overwhelm my good sense. Finally, I found someone. We have taken our time to learn more about each other, have courage to expose our respective emotional baggage and found we could be supportive. We are physically and emotionally intimate.

I hope you can use some of my experience to help you in your journey to find love again.

 

[Strixaluco]

her constant anger at her X whom she divorced 15 years ago

Some people are holding on to anger. And they are ultimately not very good to be with.

I'm so happy you've found yourself again, and better company

 

[HampshireBoy]

My wife makes a very valid point when talking about friends and lovers before we met, each one was a step along the way in recovery from her being widowed and my divorce, without each of those we might not have been ready for each other. So we don't dwell on them, even though we are each still friends with our respective FWBs, and even the bad experiences are gone.

So don't dwell too much on relationships that "failed" or unsuitable people, pick your self up and learn.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

I read on another widow / widowers web site about the "fire" and a person upset with a FWB relationship as it had no future. I ponder about the future as I am probaly older than most of you at 72. I have a wonderful sexy companion in life in which we agree to be together living apart. We both have medical issues that if uncontrolled or suddenly go out of control could mean the end of life. So, we just enjoy each day as special and take it a day at a time. Worry and drama about the future is very unproductive. The "future" issues must be harder for younger folks.

 

[Strixaluco]

I think that if you're upset with FWB not having a future, you should not enter that kind of relationship to begin with. It's to be expected that it will not go anywhere from it, it's the opposite that would be surprising.

My online relationship 2 years ago had no future. I was ok with it, I didn't even search for anything serious yet. And had I been looking for something more serious, frankly I would have chosen someone else.

Now the relationship I have now... I'm not certain we'll move together at any point, yet this is much more than FWB. We're in love, even our families think of us as a couple, and there's a wish for this to continue for decades.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Memorial Day weekend just 11 years ago was the best day of my life as I married the love of my life. This Memorial Day weekend is the second year since she passed away. I have lots of memories of our good times and somber moments of what have been. Better this year than last year.

 

[Strixaluco]

Memorial Day weekend just 11 years ago was the best day of my life as I married the love of my life. This Memorial Day weekend is the second year since she passed away. I have lots of memories of our good times and somber moments of what have been. Better this year than last year.

I think it's always good to hear from those that are already on the healing side, that it does indeed ease over time. Because in the first months it does not feel like that much.

3 years at the end of the summer, and at times I wonder how it's not more already.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

Someone once told me year 3 gets easier.
Yeah, that's not true for me. This is coming up on 3 years (July), and I'm sadder lately..
I feel like I spent the first 2 years numb from the reality he's gone. I'm getting to where I can look at his pictures finally.
But I feel angry he's not here.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Someone once told me year 3 gets easier.
Yeah, that's not true for me. This is coming up on 3 years (July), and I'm sadder lately..
I feel like I spent the first 2 years numb from the reality he's gone. I'm getting to wear I can look at his pictures finally.
But I feel angry he's not here.

I am not sure there is any magic number when it comes to our feelings. I can only send you a big virtual hug. Remember you are not alone.

 

[NewOldGuy77]

Yes what I miss is the hand holding, hugs, and teasing we would do together

My love language is touch. I spent 6 months totally engulfed by grief; month 7 the flood waters receded and I realized how achingly lonely I was. I got on a dating app (OKCupid) and had some dates that didn’t come to anything. (Lack of chemistry, mostly)

Then I was on a coffee date and at the end we hugged, and then she gave me another. It hit me “Holy shit, I really fucking MISSED this!” When we kissed on our second date, (my first kiss since my wife passed) I felt stunned, like I’d been hit by a truck. For the record, she’s a really good kisser.

From these experiences, I learned that it’s entirely possible to grieve (I talk to her ashes every day) and yet still feel positive emotions about another person like joy, love, and yes, lust.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

My love language is touch. I spent 6 months totally engulfed by grief; month 7 the flood waters receded and I realized how achingly lonely I was. I got on a dating app (OKCupid) and had some dates that didn’t come to anything. (Lack of chemistry, mostly)

Then I was on a coffee date and at the end we hugged, and then she gave me another. It hit me “Holy shit, I really fucking MISSED this!” When we kissed on our second date, (my first kiss since my wife passed) I felt stunned, like I’d been hit by a truck. For the record, she’s a really good kisser.

From these experiences, I learned that it’s entirely possible to grieve (I talk to her ashes every day) and yet still feel positive emotions about another person like joy, love, and yes, lust.

It is a journey none of us wanted. But we took it on as no other choice. I applaud what you have learned about yourself and needs. For others, be patient as each person’s grief and journey is different than others.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Also remember that any new relationship will never be like what we had. Each relationship is as different as our partner.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

I read the following from another web site for widows and widowers. I thought I would share. Participate if you want to.
"If there was a spirit phone and you could talk to your loved one - what would you tell them about your journey of romantic love after the loss of them? What would you want to hear from them?"

 

[Strixaluco]

Oh my... In my case it would be more of a "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything."

Because I'd have too many unnice things to say to my late husband before I'd even get to something neutral. I'd basically leave him poshumously.

 

[NewOldGuy77]

I read the following from another web site for widows and widowers. I thought I would share. Participate if you want to.
"If there was a spirit phone and you could talk to your loved one - what would you tell them about your journey of romantic love after the loss of them? What would you want to hear from them?"

Me: “You and our daughter were right. After two years of focused care taking and 7 months of grief, I was convinced I no longer needed anyone. You and our daughter knew differently. Then the grief tsunami subsided and I started feeling other things again, like incredible loneliness. I loved being your husband and partner, but hated being single! With daughter’s encouragement I started online dating, and it totally sucked until I met Gerri.

She knows I’m damaged from losing you, and is helping me heal. She’s also aware that our years together will always be a part of me, that the man she fell in love with is a good partner specifically because of the lessons I learned with you.”

Her: “It’s good to see you happy again, daughter and I often spoke about what your life would be like after I left. I’m glad you found someone who’s mature and financially independent, after your heart and not your money because I was scared you’d fall victim to some money-grubbing gold digger. Gerri seems nice and respects our darling daughter. You chose well.”

 

[NewOldGuy77]

Also remember that any new relationship will never be like what we had. Each relationship is as different as our partner.

My current partner is aware I wasn’t trying to replace my first wife, that would be impossible - I was seeking a co-author to help me write Chapter 2 of my life.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I read the following from another web site for widows and widowers. I thought I would share. Participate if you want to.
"If there was a spirit phone and you could talk to your loved one - what would you tell them about your journey of romantic love after the loss of them? What would you want to hear from them?"

I haven't found romantic love yet and don't plan to.. But he was the one person I could tell that I found a dynamic that suits me..

Oh, and he'd say I TOLD YOU SO when I could tell him about Mike. He never liked him for me, now I know why.

 

[6SweetKitty9]

I was never married but we new each other 21 years and together for 16. I wish I could sit here and write what a wonderful loving relationship we had but unfortunately I can't. He was a narsasistist always in recovery addict. I should have left him a long time ago but I didn't and there are few reasons why. It's been 3.5 years since I found him OD and once I knew he wasn't coming back I went into survival mode. How am I going to do this alone with a kid. Well I did it and pretty dam good I must say. It's sad to say mine and my daughters days are better with him. After survival mode I went to hate. He lied and cheated so much but I knew in the back of my mind he was but I never had solid proof. After hating him I am starting to grieve him. Any relationship that I have before this happens will never last and it won't be fair to the other person. I know one day I'll meet my person it just hasn't happened yet. So until that happens I'll happily stick with my Lit lol