Widower finding purpose in loss

[Becaa57]

“Well, then let me heat up the grill! But first, I need a swig of that Pappy!” I grab three glasses and throw a few cubes in them. I measure out two fingers worth for me, two for Lindsay as I know she likes her bourbon, and a taste for Rachel. “In case you don’t like it. This stuff is about 4 grand a bottle, so…”.

We clink glasses. “To less stress and a less stressed Daddy!” I say, trying to convey that I’ve really been holding much more in than I even let on. I take a swig of the heavenly bourbon. Smokey, strong, and exactly what I need.

Glad to see he laughed at the chicken breast joke, although got a strange look when told him we got pie. Thought apple was his favorite.

He pours his special bourbon in some glasses, Lindsay evidently not a stranger to bourbon, hmmm, never knew that.

We clink glasses. “To less stress and a less stressed Daddy!” I say, trying to convey that I’ve really been holding much more in than I even let on. I take a swig of the heavenly bourbon. Smokey, strong, and exactly what I need.

Joining in on the toast and coughing on the bourbon, taking another sip, it's actually good. I hold my glass out for some more and he pours me some.

"Not what I expected, I mean it's strong but it tastes good!!"

He heads out to start cooking the steaks. Lindsay and I work on the salad, we decided to skip the potatoes. Because of the pie.

"I didn't know you liked Bourbon???"

"I don't drink it often, you have to be really careful with it, or you'll end up in some guys apartment and not know his name, or where your clothes are"
"Here at home we are safe, nothing will happen with Dad around"

"I'm so glad he came out on top of this!!! And knowing him he will figure out he that guy got away with so much"

"Will you stay with me tonight? I just want more time with you"

 

[Houstonguy30]

I go and heat up the grill. Pleasantly surprised that Rachel liked the bourbon. Or maybe not, since that particular one is so expensive. Great job, Mark. Get her hooked on the unobtainable stuff first.

As I’m fiddling with the grill, I see the girls talking. Lindsay steps even closer to Rachel, whispering something, like the lovers they are. It’s going to all be so much easier when this gets out in the open. If it doesn’t tear us all apart.

I walk in while taking a sip of the bourbon. The girls have moved apart and Lindsay is now seasoning the steaks. I walk in and thank her and get them to put them on the grill.

20 minutes later, I walk in with a plate of perfectly cooked ribeyes. They look amazing.

The girls have a salad put together that looks amazing.

Heading to the wine room, I call out, “Let’s switch to some good red wine. I don’t want to waste that bourbon on steak. Not a good pairing.”

Rachel snorts as if I’m snobby. Maybe I am.

We all sit down around the table, holding glasses of wine and saying another toast to good fortune and good friends/family.

 

[Becaa57]

In about 1/2 hour total the steaks are done, the salad on the table which has been set.

Heading to the wine room, I call out, “Let’s switch to some good red wine. I don’t want to waste that bourbon on steak. Not a good pairing.”

I snort at that, but then smile at you so you know I was just teasing.
"Wine with dinner is better I think Mark"

While we are at the table we toast to family and friends

A toast that gets me thinking.

We are somewhat quiet while eating dinner, not the awkward quiet, but just lost in our thoughts.

We finish the main course.
Lindsay and I serve up the pie and ice cream plus cheddar cheese for those of us who like it.
You make some coffee

After we are done eating, we put the dishes in the dish washer.

I've decided what I'm going to say

"Can we sit in the living room for a bit, I have something to discuss with you both"

I get strange looks, but I want this out in the open

"Mark, can I get another shot of your bourbon?"

You get one and pour us all some

"Thanks"

"Ok this is kind of hard to say, but I don't want to keep it secret"
"Please let me finish before you say anything"
"I know that you may already know some of it"

Taking a sip of the bourbon, dang this can get addicting

Taking a deep breath

"Mark, you should know that Lindsay and I are lovers, have been on and off since we were young"
Holding my hand up when she starts to speak
"Lindsay you should know that Mark and I are lovers, ours started very recently, but it's very strong"

I stop talking, short hopefully somewhat sweet.

Lindsay speaks up first

"Rachel, that was very brave of you, kind of wish you'd asked me before telling dad about us."
"I knew you two were lovers, found your panties in my room the first night and the robe smelled of your perfume"
"I'm ok with it, I love you and of course I love my dad"

 

[Houstonguy30]

You take us into the living room to have “the talk”. And WOW - You do it straightforward and bluntly. Man, I should get you into law school, and fast. You’re good at this.

"Mark, you should know that Lindsay and I are lovers, have been on and off since we were young"
Holding my hand up when she starts to speak
"Lindsay you should know that Mark and I are lovers, ours started very recently, but it's very strong"
"Rachel, that was very brave of you, kind of wish you'd asked me before telling dad about us."
"I knew you two were lovers, found your panties in my room the first night and the robe smelled of your perfume"
"I'm ok with it, I love you and of course I love my dad"

“I was aware of some of your previous activities from a few comments Rachel made along the way.”
“But I didn’t know it was still so active and anlive until I saw you two on the play bed yesterday.”
“I guess I should put my own confession out there. As you probably have figured, Helen and I designed this house around reconnecting and thoroughly exploring our sexual boundaries. The unique furniture, the play bed outside. And whats behind the Red Door - all singularly designed by Helen and me to push each other’s boundaries. Unfortunately Helen never saw it all come to fruition. She died just weeks before the house was done.”
I wipe away a singular tear. I just can’t talk about this without one appearing.
“I went to see Helen at the grave this afternoon and told her all about Rachel. The answer I got was just my heart filled with love. I’m ready to figure this all out with you, Rachel, if you are.”
“You two having a relationship is going to make it…. Complex. But if we all promise to be honest and communicate openly, we can figure it out somehow.”

 

[Becaa57]

“I was aware of some of your previous activities from a few comments Rachel made along the way.”
“But I didn’t know it was still so active and alive until I saw you two on the play bed yesterday.”

"I know dad I saw you watching us. to be honest was a bit surprised"
“I guess I should put my own confession out there. As you probably have figured, Helen and I designed this house around reconnecting and thoroughly exploring our sexual boundaries. The unique furniture, the play bed outside. And whats behind the Red Door - all singularly designed by Helen and me to push each other’s boundaries. Unfortunately Helen never saw it all come to fruition. She died just weeks before the house was done.”
"You've told me some of that and some I figured out, I'm so sorry she didn't get to use it the way you two wanted"
“I went to see Helen at the grave this afternoon and told her all about Rachel. The answer I got was just my heart filled with love. I’m ready to figure this all out with you, Rachel, if you are.”

"I am without a doubt ready Mark, but this is going to take some work. Lindsay I love you and it you're willing to work with us all. I hope we can all get what we want"

"I love you too Rachel more since I got here, Kind of like how we were in college. Frankly though how do I share my lover with my Dad?"

"Flip a coin? have assigned days???"
"I'm don't think I'm ready to uhmmm be with my dad that way"

 

[Houstonguy30]

"I know dad I saw you watching us. to be honest was a bit surprised"
“I apologize. It’s just that…. I haven’t seen two beautiful women go at it like that in person since your mom….. Um… never mind.”
Then Lindsay asks the BIG question. The one we all should be thinking about.
“Frankly though how do I share my lover with my Dad?"
"Flip a coin? have assigned days???"
“I have NO idea. Maybe we start with assigned days? But is that even fair to you, Rachel?”

"I'm don't think I'm ready to uhmmm be with my dad that way"
“Honey, I don’t think anyone is suggesting that. Not that you aren’t a stunningly beautiful and amazing woman. But that’s a different path altogether.”

I turn to Rachel. “You seem to be the ‘meat’ in this family sandwich. How would you like to approach this?”

 

[Becaa57]

“Frankly though how do I share my lover with my Dad?"
"Flip a coin? have assigned days???"
“You seem to be the ‘meat’ in this family sandwich. How would you like to approach this?”

"To be honest, I don't have a clue to be honest. My main goal today was just to get everything out in the open. I hated having to hide things from either of you, although as I'd somewhat hopped, it was just the elephant in the room, everyone was seeing but not talking about."

Thinking a minute

"Right now the only thing makes sense is take turns? but I am not sure that'd be a long term solution"

 

[Houstonguy30]

I nod along with your logical answer. None of us knows what the hell to do, but at least it’s all out in the open.

Standing, I look at Lindsay, “I hope this doesn’t make you jealous or gross you out, but I’ve needed this for several days now while you’ve had my girlfriend tied up.” I pull you to a stand and kiss you. I don’t allow it to be a chaste kiss, I hold your head and dip my tongue between your lips and kiss you with a fiery passion. I hear you moan into my mouth and I continue kissing.

All I really want to do is set you on the kitchen counter that is behind us, pull up your dress, open your legs, and plunge myself inside you.

Inbetween kisses, I whisper, “GOD, I’ve missed you.”

I allow the kiss to cool down a little and I release you from my hold.

I look at Lindsay and she has this wide eyed, odd look on her face. I can’t tell what it is. I’ve never seen it before.

 

[Becaa57]

I hadn't planned on public display of affection for any of us. At least not yet.
looking at Lindsay I don't think she was either, although she doesn't look shocked

"You Ok Lins???"

"Yes, I guess I'm not yet comfortable with you two"
"Considering what you just went through Dad, I think Rachel maybe you spend the night with him, if you want"

"But before you two take off, Dad we both want to see what's in this mysterious red door room!!!!"

 

[Houstonguy30]

Wow. That was a fuckup. Great job Mark. Somehow I totally mis-read the room.

“Sorry. I won’t do that again. I guess I thought you were more okay with this than you are.” I walk over to Lindsay and give her a very fatherly hug.

“Considering what you just went through Dad, I think Rachel maybe you spend the night with him, if you want"
"But before you two take off, Dad we both want to see what's in this mysterious red door room!!!!"

“Ummm.. If you’re not ready for me to kiss Rachel, I don’t think you’re ready for the Red Room yet either. Let’s take this slow…”

I lift my glass for another toast. “Let me try this again. To family, to love, and to friends. Let’s just chill tonight, ok? Maybe hit the hot tub? I think we all need to continue our discussion.”

 

[Becaa57]

“Ummm.. If you’re not ready for me to kiss Rachel, I don’t think you’re ready for the Red Room yet either. Let’s take this slow…”

"Don't get me wrong Dad, I'm ok with your and Rachel, I love you both, but it may sound silly not ready to watch you two making out or more"
"We can do the Red room another day, or you two can do it."
I lift my glass for another toast. “Let me try this again. To family, to love, and to friends. Let’s just chill tonight, ok? Maybe hit the hot tub? I think we all need to continue our discussion.”

I look at Lindsay, and she nods yes

"Ok Mark, Hot tub it is!!!!"

I grab the wine and some glasses for Lindsay and I
"Bring what you're going to drink Mark"

 

[Houstonguy30]

"Bring what you're going to drink Mark"
I head over to the wine room and grab a bottle of champagne from the fridge. I grab three glasses. I've never had a time that I brought out champagne that everyone didn't partake at least a little.

I set everything on the kitchen table and then head back to the Master Bedroom. Since I upset Lindsay with the little public display of affection, I want to be as chaste as possible in the Hot Tub. My father beacon is ringing and I don't want to upset my little girl.

Grabbing the baggiest pair of swim board shorts that I have, I head back out to the kitchen and grab the champagne and glasses. I walk out and find the girls already in the Hot Tub.

Wearing....

 

[Becaa57]

We're wearing new suits, Mine is yellow and hers is a wine color barely there 2 pieces.

We watch you coming out, trying not to laugh
Lindsay leans over and whispers

"Think he's trying to hide something?"

We both giggle at that.

"Champagne Dad?? would have guessed a beer or more bourbon, although not the several hundred dollar one"

 

[Houstonguy30]

I see the girls chatting and giggling in the hot tub. They're both sitting up a bit, their torsos out of the water. I take in their beauty and whisper under my breath, "wow."

"Champagne Dad?? would have guessed a beer or more bourbon, although not the several hundred dollar one"
I chuckle. "See, maybe you don't know your dear old Dad as much as you think. We're celebrating!" I hold up the glasses and the bottle.

I get into the hot tub, next to Rachel. Lindsay is next to Rachel, further away from me. I look Lindsay right in the eye, "May I give my girlfriend a quick peck? You can close your eyes if you'd like..."

 

[Becaa57]

"May I give my girlfriend a quick peck? You can close your eyes if you'd like..."

"Only if you're ok me kissing her too, she was my girlfriend before yours!!!!"

I look back and forth between you two

"And what if I don't want to be kisses????!!!!"

"You've never said no to a kiss Rachel!!!!"

 

[Houstonguy30]

"Only if you're ok me kissing her too, she was my girlfriend before yours!!!!"
I look at Lindsay. It feels like she's staking claim. Shit, this may not go well after all. I get quiet for a bit, pondering:
Thinking to myself while staring off: Shit, Mark. Lindsay is already staking her claim. She's right, you know. She and Rachel have years and years to their love affair. It's obvious it even went on while they were married. They'll never stop. And as a father, you shouldn't be doing something that is going to hurt your daughter. How dare you.
My other self pushes back: But you need Rachel. She's singlehandedly teaching you to live again.

I hear you two teasing each other, the way only long-time relationships allow.
"And what if I don't want to be kissed????!!!!"
"You've never said no to a kiss Rachel!!!!"

Still staring off, my mind racing with thoughts: See? You're asking Rachel to choose between your daughter and you!! If even for a night, it's still wrong! Lindsay needs Rachel now, more than ever, with the divorce. How dare you greedily want Rachel just because of your little 'stressful' day. You're pathetic, Mark. Man up and give her back to Lindsay. Walk away.

Suddenly so confused. I felt Helen say 'go,' but now... Seeing the reality. I don't think I can do it.

Still sitting quietly, I realize I've teared up.

 

[Becaa57]

Both of us are watching you. It's obvious you are torn about something. Kissing me in front of Lindsay or seeing her kiss me as a lover. we exchange glances and she shrugs her shoulder and pushes me slightly towards you.

"Mark? You don't have to kiss me, but just so you know, in case you have any doubts. I want you too, and I promise Lindsay won't stab you if you do"

Trying to put some humor in it

"Dad, go ahead and kiss her, you should never turn down your girlfriend when she asks for a kiss"

 

[Houstonguy30]

"Mark? You don't have to kiss me, but just so you know, in case you have any doubts. I want you too, and I promise Lindsay won't stab you if you do"
"Dad, go ahead and kiss her, you should never turn down your girlfriend when she asks for a kiss"

I look up and you both can see the tears in my eyes.
"I don't know. I just... I don't know how all of this is going to work. I'm... I'm afraid this is going to tear you two apart. It's already made my daughter uncomfortable... The look you gave me.. I know she was your girlfriend before me. And that is the problem. I... I want it SO bad, Rachel, but I don't want to hurt either of you...."

I could walk away. I'd have to buy you two a house because I couldn't dare look at Rachel every day. But I could do it. For my daughter, I'd do it.

 

[Becaa57]

"I don't know. I just... I don't know how all of this is going to work. I'm... I'm afraid this is going to tear you two apart. It's already made my daughter uncomfortable... The look you gave me.. I know she was your girlfriend before me. And that is the problem. I... I want it SO bad, Rachel, but I don't want to hurt either of you...."

"I'll take this one Rachel"

"Are you saying you want to give up on us??? We haven't even started yet!!!!!"

"Yes it bothered me watching you kiss her, what 5 minutes after I found out for sure you two were lovers? "

"Do you not love her enough to fight for her? Fight for US!!!"

"Jesus Dad, we aren't 12 years old, fighting over the cute boy in home class, and yes we've done that"

"We're women!!! Adults!!!! Things can be worked out, discussed, arm wrestled over"
"You know Mom would be yelling at you for even suggested we stop, before we've really started!!!"

"You know she already said to go for it"

Both of us are in tears by the time she finishes. I don't think I can speak

 

[Houstonguy30]

I listen to Lindsay's heartfelt words. As usual, she's emotionally intelligent and right on the mark. I was always learning from her in that regard, even when she was 10.

"Of course I love Rachel enough to fight for her. But I'm fighting against someone I love even more... well differently..." I say, hoping it doesn't hurt Rachel - but you love your children more. That's simple fact.

"And most importantly, I don't want to hurt you, Linds... I just... I don't know how we share Rachel when I know you probably want her as badly and as selfishly as I do. You probably even want her more due to your history..."

I turn to Rachel, "And while I'm sure it is great to feel SO desired by two amazing people... I can't imagine this is even remotely easy on you either..."

"But let me be clear. I haven't wanted something as bad as I want Rachel... perhaps ever. The attraction has been there for many, many years... And as you know, Linds... Rachel is just one fucking amazing woman. Such an amazing heart. Intellect. A heart full of love...."

"When it comes down to it... I guess I'm just intimidated by the history you two have...."

 

[Becaa57]

"Of course I love Rachel enough to fight for her. But I'm fighting against someone I love even more... well differently..." I say, hoping it doesn't hurt Rachel - but you love your children more. That's simple fact.

"And most importantly, I don't want to hurt you, Linds... I just... I don't know how we share Rachel when I know you probably want her as badly and as selfishly as I do. You probably even want her more due to your history..."

I turn to Rachel, "And while I'm sure it is great to feel SO desired by two amazing people... I can't imagine this is even remotely easy on you either..."

"But let me be clear. I haven't wanted something as bad as I want Rachel... perhaps ever. The attraction has been there for many, many years... And as you know, Linds... Rachel is just one fucking amazing woman. Such an amazing heart. Intellect. A heart full of love...."

"When it comes down to it... I guess I'm just intimidated by the history you two have...."

"We don't have to figure it out tonight!!!! I love you both, very much. But at the same time I don't want to come between the two of you. You're right you love your daughter more then you do me, but in a different way? I love Lindsay in a different way then I do you"

"There is a lot of history between Lindsay and I, but even more between you and her"

"I truly believe we can find a way for all of us to love each other, without hurting in each other!!!"

"If we can't then I'm the one who will l leave!!! I've lived alone before"

"Maybe I should go home tonight, we can sleep on it see what's best for us all"
"I'm sorry I brought this up, it's my fault"

 

[Houstonguy30]

"There is a lot of history between Lindsay and I, but even more between you and her"

"I truly believe we can find a way for all of us to love each other, without hurting in each other!!!"

"Maybe I should go home tonight, we can sleep on it see what's best for us all"

I turn and face you. I wipe a tear from my eyes. "NO. Please don't go home. Please don't ever fucking leave...." I wipe away another.
"This is on me. I just don't know how to deal with it all yet. I thought getting it out in the air would make it easier but it's just more confusing."
"I agree we can find a way. I just feel like I should have the answer already. It's just a stupid man/Dad thing."

I tenderly grab Rachel's face and look you right in the eyes. "I'm in love with you. I DON'T want you to leave."

I turn to Lindsay. I suddenly don't know what to say. I'm sorry? I love you too? I'll make sure I don't hurt you?

"Fuck. This is so damn confusing." I take a sip of my champagne. I rise up and step from the hot tub. "I'll be back. I need to take a walk for a minute."

 

[Becaa57]

"I agree we can find a way. I just feel like I should have the answer already. It's just a stupid man/Dad thing."

I tenderly grab Rachel's face and look you right in the eyes. "I'm in love with you. I DON'T want you to leave."

I turn to Lindsay. I suddenly don't know what to say. I'm sorry? I love you too? I'll make sure I don't hurt you?

"Fuck. This is so damn confusing." I take a sip of my champagne. I rise up and step from the hot tub. "I'll be back. I need to take a walk for a minute."

I watch him walk away to clear his mind

Turning to Lindsay

"Honestly I thought you'd have a harder time with us, then he would. But guess not"

"Me too, I mean he watched us on the daybed the other day"
"I think it's because he doesn't have the answer to how to make it work"

We sit side by side, holding hands but not doing anything waiting for him to come back

 

[Houstonguy30]

As I walk around, I hear you two talking. You're not whispering at all, just talking in normal voices. I can't really make out what you're saying, but I catch "watched us" and "daybed".

I'm frustrated. This whole day was difficult and now this love triangle is even more difficult. How is dealing with my daughter and my lover more difficult than convincing a Board of Directors to fund my company?

I calculated everything, that's why. I knew them and I knew what their hot buttons are. But, Mark, you don't know your daughter's hot buttons around relationships do you? Think, think back to her relationships. So many failed relationships. So many guys that she just ended up not being able to trust. That's it. They weren't loyal. And the one remaining relationship for her is... Rachel. Because she was trustworthy and loyal and honest.

I look up at the moon. It's gorgeous. My mind wanders for a bit. I think about the things in my life that have been successful. My marriage, starting my own business. Becoming a parent. And now, the relationship with Rachel. I didn't calculate and have all the answers for all of those things. I just did them. Jumped in with all my heart. I've become too calculating. I've told myself that I can calculate and get all the answers because I'm Big Mark, CEO and successful businessman. Just live, Mark. Stop trying to figure it all out. After Helen died I simply became cold and calculating. Rachel broke through that but here I am, falling back into the cold calculation because I don't have all the answers.

I shake my head and walk a back to the hot tub, smiling.

I stand outside the hot tub, my board shorts still wet. "I have NO idea how we are going to make this work, but we ARE. I just needed to realize the really GREAT things in my life... I started them with no clue how I was going to make them work, but they did. I'm sorry I've been so difficult tonight."

 

[Becaa57]

We watch you come back, smiling which is good to see. You stand by the hot tub.

"I have NO idea how we are going to make this work, but we ARE. I just needed to realize the really GREAT things in my life... I started them with no clue how I was going to make them work, but they did. I'm sorry I've been so difficult tonight."


"Don't over think it Dad. All 3 of us love each other, and for better or worse all 3 of are involved in this relationship. You're my dad and I love you, you've been a great dad."
"I love Rachel, have since we were young. I ran away from that, you know love supposed to be a man and a woman, but since I've come back. I realize she is what I need in my life."

"Frankly it would break my heart if this falls apart. If you think about it, Rachel is the center of our lives. You love her as a lover, I love her as a lover. But we love each other as family."

"Don't think it with your head, follow your heart. That's what mom always said. I made the mistake of not doing that and spent years in bad relationships"

"Let's just love each other, one happy family"

"The rest is just semantics. We will figure it out as we go. And I know what we start with, may change, but our love won't"

"Wow! Lindsay, who knew . I ditto what she said!"