Why won't the past stay in the past?

[Just-Legal]

I may end up deleting this for one reason or another, but here goes.

This was all brought back up by an e-mail telling me a "friend" had died. I felt... relieved. This "friend" was a paedophile, and groomed me over a year. He tried getting me to go out to see him, but eventually I freaked and broke all contact with him. In the course of our conversations, he told me about at least two girls he had been with who were "about your age"... at the time I was fourteen.

I should have told... someone. To stop him hurting others. He didn't "get" me, or rape me, but sometimes it feels like he did.

This morning I sat in the shower for an hour after the fiance had gone trying to wash the feelings out of me, and all I ended up was pruned and red raw.

 

[tickledkitty]

It wasn't your fault. None of it. Even the not telling. You were just a kid.

 

[fifty5]

A great big hug for you Helen - the biggest you could hope for...

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Even a warm lap with a fuzzy throw over you to help. Poor baby, as TK said, it wasn't your fault.

 

[christabelll]

((((Helen))))
it sucks dont it...
but then again it has made you who you are today

in posting what I posted I was hoping -

its not about erasing the past... that will never happen

its about releasing the TRIGGERS of the past that can and do and quite unconsciously affect and effect every little thing we do and say...

I was sexually and violently abused by a close family member for 13 years... it took me until I was 17 and well away from it that I was finally able to tell some one... yeah this happened....I lived in abject terror for years after that....... but then one day
EFT
and I was finally able to let my self heal.. I thought I had... but not really... just a big puss ball under the surface....

Good Luck Darling... and all other who deal with trauma from the past....

We are similar and different and BLESSED every step of the way

 

[LoquaciousLady]

You can't wash away the feelings, Helen. I've tried, too.

But you need to stop beating yourself up, honey. ((((hugs)))) You were a kid and a scared one at that. On top of that, you were a victim. No, he didn't "get" you or rape you but you were still his victim as your feelings now prove. That kind of psychological trauma is bound to interfere with the not-so-clear thinking of any kid. It's time to forgive yourself and let go.

 

[Just-Legal]

Been pondering this for a few days. I'm still concerned if I bring it up with the psychiatrist they have an obligation to tell the police, which I really don't want.

 

[christabelll]

Been pondering this for a few days. I'm still concerned if I bring it up with the psychiatrist they have an obligation to tell the police, which I really don't want.

But - he has since died correct???

The only time they are obligated to tell officers is if this is suspected active

okay

probably differs a little state to state but --- you can search out your local statutes...

((((((SweetHeart)))))))

Its a terrible thing when our innocence is shattered with something like this.
But you are strong. You are supple and resiliant. This too will join with all the other moments of your life and lead you far from here one day.

Be good and gentle with yourself. And write. write write write write.... phewy cant tell you how much that helped me!

 

[Boxlicker101]

Been pondering this for a few days. I'm still concerned if I bring it up with the psychiatrist they have an obligation to tell the police, which I really don't want.

Would your doctor really have to report this to the police? I always had the impression that such a communication was a privileged one, especially when the patient is an adult. Besides which, it can't possibly do anybody any good to tell the cops now, since the guy is already dead.

Maybe you can discuss it with your shrink, and not include anything specific until you have a guarantee that your confidence will be kept. You need to do something to get over this.

 

[Just-Legal]

They say at the beginning of every session, if it involves children, or someone is in danger, they have an obligation to tell the police/ break confidentiality.

I think, because he *is* dead... it might be ok. But going with unspecific stuff may be the way to go.

*hugs Christa*I'm killing things in Warcraft. Its surprisingly theraputic

 

[christabelll]

They say at the beginning of every session, if it involves children, or someone is in danger, they have an obligation to tell the police/ break confidentiality.

I think, because he *is* dead... it might be ok. But going with unspecific stuff may be the way to go.

*hugs Christa*I'm killing things in Warcraft. Its surprisingly theraputic

so true so true - hehehe I preferred building things in Alpha Centuari then blowing the crap out of worlds LOL.......


it really does depend... and some counselors are fucking assholes about it. nuff said in that direction!


Since this is in the past and the animal is justly dead - there may not be any recourse ofr the cps to have. keep it general and insist - that if there is any reporting done you are out of there... You are an adult you can fire any one you pay >)

 

[CharleyH]

Why can't I stop thinking about something that happened nine years ago? Why does it still have this hold over me?

Guilt. I don't know what happened to you, but my guess is guilt. If not guilt? Regret. Nothing haunts more than those two things. You can get rid of guilt by forgiving yourself. You can banish regret by moving on. Easier said than done, yet always possible, JL.

 

[Brute_Force]

I believe there are only two states of being: suffering and bliss. We choose which state we inhabit. When you are ready to release this suffering, you may know bliss some day.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Been pondering this for a few days. I'm still concerned if I bring it up with the psychiatrist they have an obligation to tell the police, which I really don't want.

I think that's if they think you are a current danger to a child, sweets.
Your psychiatrist is not going to punish you for being a victim when you were a child yourself.

And don't name names. And you can talk to him about your wish to talk about it, and how it conflicts with your desire to not get the police involved. His Hippocratic Oath ought to be quite clear about what he should do. (((hugs)))

 

[starrkers]

What Stella says is correct.

The past will always come to bite you in the arse on things like this. The trick is to learn how to minimise the teeth marks (and I'm still learning).

Mine revolves around an ongoing series of incidents from the time I was eight until I was about 13. I never told anyone - tdidn't think they'd believe me. My family now reckons they would. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Had I said something - would they have believed? The consequences would have been nasty either way.
If I had been believed someone near and dear to me would not have had to live through horrible things. But she also wouldn't exist, nor would at least five other people.

What ifs are two edged - there is the golden utopian path of "I tell, all the bad stuff goes away" and it is this ideal possible future that bites us. But there is another, darker possible path - "I tell and no one believes me". Try to think that scenario through to its logical (or even illogical) conclusion. Then pick all the possible other outcomes that fall between the two extremes.

Was your choice to stay silent really the worst? We can't change the past, and we all make choices we later regret for one reason or another. But at the time they were the only possible outcome we could live with. And we're still alive, fending off the biting memories of the past. They brand us, mould us and make us who were are. But we don't have to let them consume us.


*Hugs* honey.

 

[Guest]

its hard for me to reply to this because of my life story.
the gist of it all is:
i didn't know.
he hid it well.
for YEARS.
our daughter.
the guilt...oh god the guilt! how horrid. i blamed me for so long...kinda still do.

but.
had i found out before i was strong enough to deal with it
had i been weaker than i was at that point in time...i dont know what i would have done and how my daughter would have suffered for it.

point is, sometimes you dont get to choose the whys and whens and i HAVE to believe that when you make the decision to do something...then it is the right time.

if you are ready to talk about this to your doc, you should. blurt it out. say what you feel...get it out!

even if he were alive. you'll know when you are strong enough to do it.

i have such faith in you, beautiful soul.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

its hard for me to reply to this because of my life story.
the gist of it all is:
i didn't know.
he hid it well.
for YEARS.
our daughter.
the guilt...oh god the guilt! how horrid. i blamed me for so long...kinda still do.

but.
had i found out before i was strong enough to deal with it
had i been weaker than i was at that point in time...i dont know what i would have done and how my daughter would have suffered for it.

point is, sometimes you dont get to choose the whys and whens and i HAVE to believe that when you make the decision to do something...then it is the right time.

if you are ready to talk about this to your doc, you should. blurt it out. say what you feel...get it out!

even if he were alive. you'll know when you are strong enough to do it.

i have such faith in you, beautiful soul.

You...are an amazing woman.

 

[Just-Legal]

You...are an amazing woman.

Yes, she is. *huggles Vella*

I'm... weird today. Exhausted but can't sleep for nightmares.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Yes, she is. *huggles Vella*

I'm... weird today. Exhausted but can't sleep for nightmares.

you're weird everyday. Nightmares can be changed as long as you are aware of them in your sleep state. I alter dreams all the time.

 

[ntsu]

it tends to for a while, but never really.

 

[christabelll]

But there is another, darker possible path - "I tell and no one believes me". Try to think that scenario through to its logical (or even illogical) conclusion. Then pick all the possible other outcomes that fall between the two extremes

And thats what has happened to my children.
I am still fighting for them to be returned to me
I was painted as the hysterical lying manipulating bitch
but the bruises and the skin tags and the words from my babies mouths
when they thought no one was truly listening - scarred me to the end of my days. And since I have been in their shoes - I pray each and every second - that the gods and the courts and whom the fuck ever will wake the hell up and GET THEM THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!

I want my babies back.
I want my babies back yesterday.
I want my babies back last year and the year before.
I wanted my babies back the moment I felt their terror - as he took them from school, with me miles away - and hid them for 4 long months before I was deemed "safe enough" to be seeing them for 15 minutes a month with armed supervision (oh yeah that was fun)...

But slowly - slowly and infinitely fine - do the wheels of universal justice grind -
and as my beautiful children grow and mature - they see the patterns he grinds them towards... and I applaud their strength and will - the very light that they bring - flinging his dark shadows back in his face.

Soon - its a feeling I cannot escape - and it grows and looms, but it's not one of fear - one of impossible hope that seems horrendously, brightly fantastical - I'll have them home by summer.........

 

[ABSTRUSE]

And thats what has happened to my children.
I am still fighting for them to be returned to me
I was painted as the hysterical lying manipulating bitch
but the bruises and the skin tags and the words from my babies mouths
when they thought no one was truly listening - scarred me to the end of my days. And since I have been in their shoes - I pray each and every second - that the gods and the courts and whom the fuck ever will wake the hell up and GET THEM THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!

I want my babies back.
I want my babies back yesterday.
I want my babies back last year and the year before.
I wanted my babies back the moment I felt their terror - as he took them from school, with me miles away - and hid them for 4 long months before I was deemed "safe enough" to be seeing them for 15 minutes a month with armed supervision (oh yeah that was fun)...

But slowly - slowly and infinitely fine - do the wheels of universal justice grind -
and as my beautiful children grow and mature - they see the patterns he grinds them towards... and I applaud their strength and will - the very light that they bring - flinging his dark shadows back in his face.

Soon - its a feeling I cannot escape - and it grows and looms, but it's not one of fear - one of impossible hope that seems horrendously, brightly fantastical - I'll have them home by summer.........

I believe in you, if that matters. You're going to be fine.

 

[christabelll]

(((((((ABS))))))))
(((((((JUST))))))
((((((((VELLA)))))
(*(*(*(*(EVERYONE*)*)*)*)

I just figured out I am suffering one more of the major side affects of the new meds...
Please forgive me jumping up and shouting all my personal burdens like tens tons of bullshit on everyones shoulders.

You all just rock... and ya dont deserve more weight where none is needed.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

Why can't I stop thinking about something that happened nine years ago? Why does it still have this hold over me?

They come back like funny little ghosts sometimes, don't they? It's almost like a mystery you feel compelled to wander through again, looking for the end of the maze...

 

[Just-Legal]

(((((((ABS))))))))
(((((((JUST))))))
((((((((VELLA)))))
(*(*(*(*(EVERYONE*)*)*)*)

I just figured out I am suffering one more of the major side affects of the new meds...
Please forgive me jumping up and shouting all my personal burdens like tens tons of bullshit on everyones shoulders.

You all just rock... and ya dont deserve more weight where none is needed.

*cuddles Christa tight*

Its odd, I feel better helping others. I think its a supression activity.

Abs - I think that was a compliment. Then again...

Trini *more hugs*