Why isn't one enough?

[lilydance]

I found a great online friend and we've been talking for some time now but he is always looking for more. I’m talking quantity not quality here. I don’t want to say I’m jealous because I’m not but I’d be lying if I said it doesn't bother me. It does bother me. We could have a hot steamy sexy conversation one day and the very next day, he’s posting and asking for PM’s. I’d don’t want any more from him than online fun. I just want to be the only one. Has that become too weird? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic. Maybe I’m not as much as of a free spirit as I thought I was. Feeling a little sad, and tossed to the side right now.

 

[snowkitten13]

Maybe it's because we want to feel like we are enough? Hugs!

 

[Deleted member 1306910]

I don't know you or your partner, but I do know a little bit about human nature and the truth is we often do not want to admit that we aren't getting everything we need. And sometimes...we want different things but don't tell each other.

 

[SmileyGirl]

Because Lit is like a sweetie shop.
Set a boy free in one of them
and he wants to try alllllll
the different kinds on offer

I'm sorry you're hurting. It isn't nice to feel discarded.

 

[DiskoTroop]

Some males are insecure and see everything as some sort of weird conquest which serves as an ego builder. It is kinda weird but pretty normal just as the desire to feel special is needed

 

[mrspank30]

I found a great online friend and we've been talking for some time now but he is always looking for more. I’m talking quantity not quality here. I don’t want to say I’m jealous because I’m not but I’d be lying if I said it doesn't bother me. It does bother me. We could have a hot steamy sexy conversation one day and the very next day, he’s posting and asking for PM’s. I’d don’t want any more from him than online fun. I just want to be the only one. Has that become too weird? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic. Maybe I’m not as much as of a free spirit as I thought I was. Feeling a little sad, and tossed to the side right now.

Certainly not uncommon to want to be "enough" for someone. Even online. It really does depend on the relationship. I for example am a flirt. I flirt all the time. However,online I tend to have a woman who helps me here and there with those times I need that emotional contact and mutual release. Are we exclusive? No. She has strong feeling for another andsometimes she need the connection we bring by no means are we looking to take away for other relationships. But online I tend to be relativly loyal. Not sure if this helps but thought I might share.

 

[lilydance]

thanks for the input guys and girls. there is always another way to look at things isn't there.

 

[mrspank30]

thanks for the input guys and girls. there is always another way to look at things isn't there.

This is true but don't ever feel you need to discount your feelings. If the relationship is not filling your needs no matter what the forum then it is worth evaluation.

 

[ydahecnot]

Because Lit is like a sweetie shop.
Set a boy free in one of them
and he wants to try alllllll
the different kinds on offer

I'm sorry you're hurting. It isn't nice to feel discarded.

That's for either gender, in all fairness

 

[DiskoTroop]

I have to thank you lilydance. You reminded my that I loaned my copy of Sex at Dawn to a friend and I really need that book back as it is related to my profession. Hope you chher up

 

[NaughtyRedSiren]

I'm sure we've all been in your shoes one way or another. I know I have. All the advice given so far has been excellent! I agree with it all. But still just wanted to send you understanding hugs and hope it all works out!

 

[ydahecnot]

As for the point, participation here is voluntary. If someone isn't the right fit for your expectations of here, find someone who fits them better, or adjust your expectations, or decide Lit isn't for you

 

[mrspank30]

Big hugs fro me too

 

[FoolMeOnce]

Sadly those of us who are hopeless romantics are often subject to such behavior. Why? I wish I had the answer. In my case I learned one very important thing. Do NOT put your trust in anyone if they show you red flags from the start, or unless you really know them. We do what we can to be enough, and to seemingly give them all the attention they crave. But for some, it's just never enough. Feeling discarded sucks. But you need to remember it's not you or anything you've done. It's them. That may not be enough, but it helps me get through my days and makes me realize that I am worth more.

 

[Kitty]

I found a great online friend and we've been talking for some time now but he is always looking for more. I’m talking quantity not quality here. I don’t want to say I’m jealous because I’m not but I’d be lying if I said it doesn't bother me. It does bother me. We could have a hot steamy sexy conversation one day and the very next day, he’s posting and asking for PM’s. I’d don’t want any more from him than online fun. I just want to be the only one. Has that become too weird? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic. Maybe I’m not as much as of a free spirit as I thought I was. Feeling a little sad, and tossed to the side right now.

Well...you asked so...
I'd say:
for whatever reason,
you've either never had tangible love or affection before
and so you fell for someone not caring if he was online.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Or you felt real love/affection in person and it failed, so you are willing to find it online,
and you truly feel you have

but it's just a fucked up situation that you found it with someone who is just not taking these feelings seriously. Or someone who never was looking for a relationship in the first place.

Now you say you also just want fun and not necessarily a relationship,
so to feel like you want exclusivity is a bit...interesting.
But it could just be self-respect, I suppose, wanting to have your emotions taken seriously by this guy, and wanting to be appreciated and not just another PM.
There's also nothing wrong with that but just seperate your emotions then. Not in general, just with this guy. Easier said than done I know.

 

[NaughtyRedSiren]

Sadly those of us who are hopeless romantics are often subject to such behavior. Why? I wish I had the answer. In my case I learned one very important thing. Do NOT put your trust in anyone if they show you red flags from the start, or unless you really know them. We do what we can to be enough, and to seemingly give them all the attention they crave. But for some, it's just never enough. Feeling discarded sucks. But you need to remember it's not you or anything you've done. It's them. That may not be enough, but it helps me get through my days and makes me realize that I am worth more.

Where the hell is the applause button or 'like' button? Very well said!

 

[FoolMeOnce]

Where the hell is the applause button or 'like' button? Very well said!

Thank you. When you've been down this road as often as I have, you learn a few things. No one else is going to keep my silly butt in check

 

[ElasticMermaid]

I think also, people who feel generally unfulfilled in other areas of their lives seek other people to fill what's missing. And since it's difficult for someone else to fix what's missing, they continue to seek more. Sort of like an alcoholic. Personally I definitely find myself having acted in this way. It had nothing to do with one person not being enough.

Oh, also people are sometimes just sex obsessed and assholes.

 

[lilydance]

I think also, people who feel generally unfulfilled in other areas of their lives seek other people to fill what's missing. And since it's difficult for someone else to fix what's missing, they continue to seek more. Sort of like an alcoholic. Personally I definitely find myself having acted in this way. It had nothing to do with one person not being enough.

Oh, also people are sometimes just sex obsessed and assholes.

Okay that made me laugh!!!

Now that I think about it, he is an absolute horn dog!! I guess his real life relationship and just 1 online fantasy relationship isn't enough for such a horny bastard. (that's a term of endearment BTW)

 

[jameslewis]

I think most of us come here looking, and wanting. I don't think I'm alone in admitting that the feeling of being wanted is like a drug, it's addicting. Finding out your wanted is like a super-charged ego rush, and it can make you want more and more. I know it's not just a male addiction too, ladies love knowing they're wanted. This craving can easily lead us/me to do stupid things to get more, more, more. I think it's something to be wary of with a lot of the folks here.
What do you do? I have been on both sides of this problem, I admit it. The only way I have come to peace with it is: YOU do what is right. Control what you can control. Be honest about what you feel and what you want. Try to be true to you-if it crashes and burns you will still have hurt, but hurt you can find peace with. Peace because YOU did what was right, and the rest (them) you couldn't control. You are the one you see in the mirror, you are the one you have to be at peace with. Integrity is the key.
Hope this helps.

 

[Sulk]

Okay that made me laugh!!!

Now that I think about it, he is an absolute horn dog!! I guess his real life relationship and just 1 online fantasy relationship isn't enough for such a horny bastard. (that's a term of endearment BTW)

That bit in bold, think on it. However invested you were, that was all he wanted; a fantasy, an ego-stroke. And I am quite sure there will be others he has/will leave feeling emotionally used and manipulated.

Now, that bit in italics; I'm guessing he is a bloke in a long-term relationship, possibly married, maybe with young children.

His reaching out online to use you emotionally is pathetic. Whatever the reason may be.

Do not allow yourself to be used to prop up someone else's ego!

Good gosh, I am in a militant mind tonight.


Edit to add: You are obviously a passionate woman. Chose wisely and do not waste yourself on people who are only out for a what you can give.

p.s. Jameslewis seems to have an unique handle on internet relations.

 

[vidiman]

I like the gist of this thread / topic

However within Lit and it's users you are going to get a myriad of differing needs and wants.

Yes it would be lovely and fulfilling to be the only one and have an ongoing and mutually satisfying 'relationship'. I think the reality is going to be somewhat different on the whole - certainly my experience.

It does come down to what you want and what you expect - how much do you want it and is this the place to find it.

Humans so complex - are we not?

 

[Que Va]

Some people are just assholes; some people have a hole to fill. The latter assume the problem is needing more and more input when their problem is within themselves. It likely won't assuage your legitimate feelings of abandonment, but it isn't you, it is him. Just because you have no intention of expanding your role in his life from on-line does not make your role any less "real."

Suggest a butt-plug to him. At least one hole will be filled.

 

[vibes]

My take is that either he has made to you an expressed or implicit promise of 'monogamy', hence he has issues + you're entitled to call him all sorts of names (not of endearment), or he has not then you may choose between accepting this or moving on: exactly as in the real world.

Also, I think that in 2014 it is ridiculous to label this behaviour as typically male

 

[unregistered]