Why do we like being submissive?

[77fbird400]

My wife is submissive but only in the bedroom during roleplay. Outside of that, I need her to be a strong role model for our daughters.

Curious,

How and where do you draw the line between submission and abuse? How do you know the difference?

Were you always submissive? Or did you somehow "discover" you're submissive?

Does submission mean that you can never leave a relationship (ie: because you're submissive)?

Can someone who is not submissive be "trained" into submission?

Can someone who IS submissive come out of their submissive personality?

If you're submissive, can you impose limits on your Dom(me)? What if they aren't respected because you're "owned" by them?

What if your Dom(me) claims that they're doing XYZ to you even though they know it's past your limits because they're training you? How would you decide to buy or reject it?

 

[KimGordon67]

My wife is submissive but only in the bedroom during roleplay. Outside of that, I need her to be a strong role model for our daughters.

Curious,

How and where do you draw the line between submission and abuse? How do you know the difference?
One is consensual - it's probably pretty obvious which one it is.

Were you always submissive? Or did you somehow "discover" you're submissive?

Does submission mean that you can never leave a relationship (ie: because you're submissive)?
Being submissive doesn't mean that someone owns you. So yes, a submissive person can totally leave their relationship.

Can someone who is not submissive be "trained" into submission?
Seems pretty unlikely ... why would anyone want to do that?

Can someone who IS submissive come out of their submissive personality?
LOL. Yes. Because you still need to go to work, pay bills, work out who puts out the rubbish, plan holidays, etc etc. I guess a submissive person could just leave all the decision making to the dominant person in their lives, but I can't imagine that would appeal to very many people.

If you're submissive, can you impose limits on your Dom(me)? What if they aren't respected because you're "owned" by them?
I'm sort of perplexed that anyone would think a submissive person doesn't 'impose limits' - i.e. explain what is and isn't OK for them - and any good dominant person would as well.

What if your Dom(me) claims that they're doing XYZ to you even though they know it's past your limits because they're training you? How would you decide to buy or reject it?

Pretty sure I'd just walk away at that point.

This is an odd list of questions ... it feels like you've interpreted 'being submissive' as fundamentally slavery?

 

[surferjake]

Yeah, I'd agree with that.. the questions don't speak to why someone would be submissive, or get joy out of it in the first place. Which, for me echos many of the replies already.

It is doubtful anyone would see me as submissive - I'm opiniated, argumentative, fairly driven, and take control of situations when other might panic. Yet, also sensitive. Mostly - sometimes I miss what other people want/need and am selfish about it.

But I'd view the questions even from the Dom's side.. and they make less sense. The Dom (I think) is looking for that feedback from the sub about being submissive. Taking care of them.. so abuse would go against that. It is a relationship, so why would the Dom want to push the sub or do things that would push the sub to leave it? Since they can (as can the Dom). And since it's a relationship, limits are part of discussing the relationship, no? What both do and don't like... if the sub doesn't like XYZ, but that is the main kink for the Dom, then they aren't a good relationship match.

When being subby, I get more out of the feedback that what I am doing is pleasing the other person, as opposed to the actual physical input I am getting. Which, for any good sex - that's really it, right? I mean, you can just masturebate otherwise. Even regular, plain old vanilla intercourse - its the feedback/response that the other person is getting pleasure from what you are doing.

Heck, even outside sex. Why wash the dishes? Because they need to be clean, sure, but when she comes home and says "Oh, honey, you did the dishes - thank you!" that gives you feedback and makes you happy because you made THEM happy.

Pretty sure I'd just walk away at that point.

This is an odd list of questions ... it feels like you've interpreted 'being submissive' as fundamentally slavery?

 

[77fbird400]

Pretty sure I'd just walk away at that point.

This is an odd list of questions ... it feels like you've interpreted 'being submissive' as fundamentally slavery?

Sorry, I should have been more clear. If you can turn it on and off like that then you're a part timer like my wife.

My questions were referring to someone who is submissive all the time. From your responses, I imagine that would be quite rare.

 

[KimGordon67]

Sorry, I should have been more clear. If you can turn it on and off like that then you're a part timer like my wife.

My questions were referring to someone who is submissive all the time. From your responses, I imagine that would be quite rare.

Pretty sure most of my responses apply to someone who's not a 'part timer' (whatever TF that means). Being submissive =/= taking whatever crap the dominant person feels like doling out. I have read about one or two instances of absolutely no limits d/s relationships. They're pretty scary.

I'm just really perplexed by your idea of 'submitting' really entails. Although the second sentence of your earlier post says a lot.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I think everyone has a different reason. I don’t really know the reason. I believe since I had a intense high stress job and had to make decisions that had effects on other people, I just didn’t want to be in charge. My wife was more than happy to take on the dominant role. Thing just seemed to escalate from there.

 

[PaxNurgle]

I think part of it with me is, I was brought up and raised to make sure other people are happy. To be kind and considerate of others. And ultimately, to please others. Part of being submissive is allowing your partner to tell you exactly how they want you to be, not only a better lover in intimate settings, but to be a better person all around. If things are right, it can actually strengthen a relationship if one partner learns, or can be taught, to be attentive to the other's needs- that is part of what I look for in a dominant partner. To become a better giver of pleasure and a better person. Because it's better to give than receive- I dunno. That's just how I'm wired. I don't know if it's a "Why do I "LIKE" being submissive as much as, this is how I turned out, and I've dealt with both the negative and the positives from being like this.

 

[77fbird400]

Pretty sure most of my responses apply to someone who's not a 'part timer' (whatever TF that means). Being submissive =/= taking whatever crap the dominant person feels like doling out. I have read about one or two instances of absolutely no limits d/s relationships. They're pretty scary.

I'm just really perplexed by your idea of 'submitting' really entails. Although the second sentence of your earlier post says a lot.

About my daughters? Yes, I do not want my daughters to be submissive as described in this thread. I would like them to be strong, confident, educated and independent like their mother.

 

[KimGordon67]

About my daughters? Yes, I do not want my daughters to be submissive as described in this thread. I would like them to be strong, confident, educated and independent like their mother.

The only person with a description of 'submissive' in this thread that I would consider problematic is yours. Pretty much every other person who identifies as having submissive tendencies is some combination of "strong, confident, educated and independent". But the point I was really alluding to was: "Outside of that, I need her to be a strong role model for our daughters" ... is she not a strong woman for her own reasons, rather than just to satisfy some need of yours?

In another thread you refer to being able to 'coerce' women into things after (from memory) them have 2-3 orgasms over a 2-3 hour session. This isn't really a great attitude for someone who positions themselves as 'dominant'.

 

[77fbird400]

The only person with a description of 'submissive' in this thread that I would consider problematic is yours. Pretty much every other person who identifies as having submissive tendencies is some combination of "strong, confident, educated and independent". But the point I was really alluding to was: "Outside of that, I need her to be a strong role model for our daughters" ... is she not a strong woman for her own reasons, rather than just to satisfy some need of yours?

In another thread you refer to being able to 'coerce' women into things after (from memory) them have 2-3 orgasms over a 2-3 hour session. This isn't really a great attitude for someone who positions themselves as 'dominant'.

Well, I apologize if I wrote something that offended you. I feel it is the nature of this form of communication that allows people to be a lot more bold given our anonymity or at least the perception of anonymity.

My wife and I only have sex a few times a month, roughly once a week. When we do, we usually lose a night of sleep and take on much different personas. In real life, she is the disciplinarian, especially with our daughters whom I've never so much as raised my voice let alone raised my hand. By son however, I have no issues tossing him around while I still can.

Behind closed doors, she is very submissive. I know this sounds weird despite the aforementioned but she likes being forced or the feeling that she's being "taken". I didn't even know I was capable of doing that. But I think for both of us, in the heat of a long sex night, the logic part of the brain cedes to the waves of emotions generated in the heat of sex.

I'll know when she is resisting with the intention of continuing or resisting because I've gone too far. I would never want to go too far with my wife because she wouldn't enjoy it and likely won't let me do it again. I've noticed that the more orgasms she has the less she is able to resist. So as you can see, it isn't a true D/s relationship but just a fun sexual role play.

 

[JamesClaide]

they are beautiful in shibari ropes

 

[KimGordon67]

Well, I apologize if I wrote something that offended you. I feel it is the nature of this form of communication that allows people to be a lot more bold given our anonymity or at least the perception of anonymity.

My wife and I only have sex a few times a month, roughly once a week. When we do, we usually lose a night of sleep and take on much different personas. In real life, she is the disciplinarian, especially with our daughters whom I've never so much as raised my voice let alone raised my hand. By son however, I have no issues tossing him around while I still can.

Behind closed doors, she is very submissive. I know this sounds weird despite the aforementioned but she likes being forced or the feeling that she's being "taken". I didn't even know I was capable of doing that. But I think for both of us, in the heat of a long sex night, the logic part of the brain cedes to the waves of emotions generated in the heat of sex.

I'll know when she is resisting with the intention of continuing or resisting because I've gone too far. I would never want to go too far with my wife because she wouldn't enjoy it and likely won't let me do it again. I've noticed that the more orgasms she has the less she is able to resist. So as you can see, it isn't a true D/s relationship but just a fun sexual role play.

This is just seems so weird. You seem to have the idea that a 'true' submissive person is submissive 24/7, in a way that is completely and utterly acquiescent, and that a 'true' dominant person does whatever they want, regardless of any pre-agreed limits. I think there probably are relationships in which the submissive person is submissive in some form or other in all their interactions with the dominant person, but they still have to get on with their lives, e.g. parent their children effectively, manage their team at work, tell the Uber driver where to go, etc etc. And for if a 'true' dominant person just does whatever they want, without taking into account the limits of the sub, that actually is abuse.

"I've noticed that the more orgasms she has the less she is able to resist" - if you have agreed upon boundaries and limits, then she shouldn't really need to 'resist' your attempts to go past those boundaries and limits. The whole basis of a relationship with a d/s relationship - at least, in my understanding, and the understanding of many many other people who post in the bdsm boards - is that the limits you both set are the limits, and you only change those limits if you both agree, not because one of you is too tired to resist any more.

 

[LustyScribe]

Yeah, I'd agree with that.. the questions don't speak to why someone would be submissive, or get joy out of it in the first place. Which, for me echos many of the replies already.

It is doubtful anyone would see me as submissive - I'm opiniated, argumentative, fairly driven, and take control of situations when other might panic. Yet, also sensitive. Mostly - sometimes I miss what other people want/need and am selfish about it.

But I'd view the questions even from the Dom's side.. and they make less sense. The Dom (I think) is looking for that feedback from the sub about being submissive. Taking care of them.. so abuse would go against that. It is a relationship, so why would the Dom want to push the sub or do things that would push the sub to leave it? Since they can (as can the Dom). And since it's a relationship, limits are part of discussing the relationship, no? What both do and don't like... if the sub doesn't like XYZ, but that is the main kink for the Dom, then they aren't a good relationship match.

When being subby, I get more out of the feedback that what I am doing is pleasing the other person, as opposed to the actual physical input I am getting. Which, for any good sex - that's really it, right? I mean, you can just masturebate otherwise. Even regular, plain old vanilla intercourse - its the feedback/response that the other person is getting pleasure from what you are doing.

Heck, even outside sex. Why wash the dishes? Because they need to be clean, sure, but when she comes home and says "Oh, honey, you did the dishes - thank you!" that gives you feedback and makes you happy because you made THEM happy.

Very, very well put.

 

[GoodBadGirl89]

For me...i just need to not have to be in charge of everything. I want someone to take control and give me what I need when I need it.

 

[77fbird400]

This is just seems so weird. You seem to have the idea that a 'true' submissive person is submissive 24/7, in a way that is completely and utterly acquiescent, and that a 'true' dominant person does whatever they want, regardless of any pre-agreed limits. I think there probably are relationships in which the submissive person is submissive in some form or other in all their interactions with the dominant person, but they still have to get on with their lives, e.g. parent their children effectively, manage their team at work, tell the Uber driver where to go, etc etc. And for if a 'true' dominant person just does whatever they want, without taking into account the limits of the sub, that actually is abuse.

"I've noticed that the more orgasms she has the less she is able to resist" - if you have agreed upon boundaries and limits, then she shouldn't really need to 'resist' your attempts to go past those boundaries and limits. The whole basis of a relationship with a d/s relationship - at least, in my understanding, and the understanding of many many other people who post in the bdsm boards - is that the limits you both set are the limits, and you only change those limits if you both agree, not because one of you is too tired to resist any more.

To answer your question briefly, I'm not really dominant. Like I said, I'm not the disciplinarian in our family. But I play the part during sex for my wife who clearly likes it. She has never told me that but her body language speaks volumes. We do a lot of roleplaying. DM/s is one of about 6 or 7 scenarios we like to play. We never talk about sex.

Kim, should we continue this conversation in our own public thread separate from this one or in PM (I read your "writing PMs" post)? I don't want to side track this wonderful thread. I really enjoy reading the posts.

 

[Leetypes]

Such a complex question. I love to be told and taught how things should be. To take directions and please my man. I’m not into the humiliating aspect tho....just maybe a touch.

I love when a dominant praises me tho and tells me how good I am. I like pleasing. It gets me off.

 

[KimGordon67]

To answer your question briefly, I'm not really dominant. Like I said, I'm not the disciplinarian in our family. But I play the part during sex for my wife who clearly likes it. She has never told me that but her body language speaks volumes. We do a lot of roleplaying. DM/s is one of about 6 or 7 scenarios we like to play. We never talk about sex.

Kim, should we continue this conversation in our own public thread separate from this one or in PM (I read your "writing PMs" post)? I don't want to side track this wonderful thread. I really enjoy reading the posts.

To be honest, I couldn't really see the point in continuing. You're not really reading what I'm writing.

 

[Slut2Abuse]

I love the headspace. You definitely have to trust your partner but just BEING and doing as told or directed.. not having to think about anything and just relying on that person to take care of you.. it’s liberating.

 

[ef_oh_ex]

Such a complex question. I love to be told and taught how things should be. To take directions and please my man. I’m not into the humiliating aspect tho....just maybe a touch.

I love when a dominant praises me tho and tells me how good I am. I like pleasing. It gets me off.

I hope that your man appreciates you for that & more...

 

[lanceGibs]

I love the headspace. You definitely have to trust your partner but just BEING and doing as told or directed.. not having to think about anything and just relying on that person to take care of you.. it’s liberating.

Your choice of words displays remarkable clarity of thought

 

[Justplatonic]

I think in this community, the labels are used by some too rigidly, and to an extreme. But is that wrong? Not when we all have the freedom of choice.

My choice is; I personally do not condone either the rigid adhesion to the labels, and the extreme interpretation of them. That's my choice, just as it is another person's to be the polar opposite.

IMHO, what I find difficult to acknowledge; where is the love when the Domme/Dom and sub relationship is taken to such perilous, life threatening levels? When the labels are like giant billboards brightly lit at night, and when the interpretation of each role is so encompassing, so immersive, so persistent?

The answer is simple... Obsession displaces love... I'm not convinced (having experienced a version of this myself) obsession is enough to sustain a strong, meaningful, loving, and healthy relationship IMHO. If you don't agree, that's fine. You are entitled to your opinion.

 

[delphi604]

Vulnerability is the point

I love the headspace. You definitely have to trust your partner but just BEING and doing as told or directed.. not having to think about anything and just relying on that person to take care of you.. it’s liberating.

Yes, the headspace experience can be fabulous. I came out as submissive in my first session with a domme. For me, the vulnerability, submitting my nude body to her desires, and the total lack of control create a fabulous feeling. My fantasies include all those elements. Cbt and impact play are major enhancements.

 

[SimonDoom]

Submissiveness fascinates me. I test as mildly dominant and heavy on rigger -- it's not so much that I'm experienced with rope as that's my mindset. I'm not at all submissive in the bedroom and from the little switch play I've done I don't enjoy it, but I enjoy seeing it in a woman I am with. It especially interests me to see intelligent women who are strong in other aspects of their life enjoying being submissive. It is delicious to be dominant over a woman like that, especially when she knowingly and wholly consents to the submission, so she knows exactly what power she is giving up but gives it up anyway.

Since I write stories on the subject I'm always fascinated to understand how a woman feels in the act of submission.

Something I've noticed is that people seem to have very strong ideas about what being dominant and/or submissive "really" means. It seems to me the beauty of it is that with consensual power exchange the two partners can decide whatever the hell THEY want it to mean and enjoy the exchange of power wherever and however it ends up being distributed, on whatever terms.

 

[Justplatonic]

Submissiveness fascinates me. I test as mildly dominant and heavy on rigger -- it's not so much that I'm experienced with rope as that's my mindset. I'm not at all submissive in the bedroom and from the little switch play I've done I don't enjoy it, but I enjoy seeing it in a woman I am with. It especially interests me to see intelligent women who are strong in other aspects of their life enjoying being submissive. It is delicious to be dominant over a woman like that, especially when she knowingly and wholly consents to the submission, so she knows exactly what power she is giving up but gives it up anyway.

Since I write stories on the subject I'm always fascinated to understand how a woman feels in the act of submission.

Something I've noticed is that people seem to have very strong ideas about what being dominant and/or submissive "really" means. It seems to me the beauty of it is that with consensual power exchange the two partners can decide whatever the hell THEY want it to mean and enjoy the exchange of power wherever and however it ends up being distributed, on whatever terms.

https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_mbnfzp0xxs1rpiwdbo1_400.gif&f=1&nofb=1

 

[Crownvic]

Incredible excitement...