why do nice finish always finish last?

[SassySheDevil]

its very very hard to build something from scratch without the proper tools and materials i've found

It was hard for me to change being shy too, and in the beginning, I just did a good job of faking it. But eventually, I learned how to open myself up and be that person for real.

 

[romantic_perv]

Thank you very much for the long response! I'm going to really try to take what you said to heart.

Let me see if I can couch this in a way that perhaps you can get your mind around it in a palatable way.

LOL, I appreciate that. Then again, maybe what I really need is a virtual bitchslap. (And now, in typical "nice guy" fashion, I want to sincerely apologize to anyone who I may have offended by using that term...but I thought it was just too funny to pass up. Hope you understand.)

You (and I) have been raised and socialized all wrong for interacting with women, But I'd like you to consider it from a perspective of being genuine.

Granted one doesn't share every pervy thought, thats more in the vein of TMI that isn;t gender specific. If it isn't something you would share in polite male company, sure that is not for public consumption.

I can't see you as the kind of guy who after a girl passes says to a stranger, "man, did you see the ass on that chick??'

But you think she looks great, you like her smile, you like her breezy attitude, her laugh, keeping that to yourself is actually disingenuous. You see a nice 1969 SS Camaro in your favorite livery colors, you say something, or give the guy a nod, or a thumbs up, right? If your attention is more riveted to a particular girl than a classic car, being "polite" and saying nothing, not delivering the compliment that she "earned" by taking care of herself, hair make-up whatever is kind of weird when you think about it.

It certainly is disingenuous, but isn't that kind of the point? My original attempts to be chivalrous with women growing up were based on religion, which I now think is a load of BS (sorry, religious people ). However, I have carried them forward because something in me, which goes to my very core but seems to come from socialization when I reflect on it, feels that political correctness is very good for society. I want desperately not to hurt other peoples' feelings...and I feel that, who knows, I may be hurting a woman by complimenting her for her looks (if she feels that's unimportant) or hurting another girl who's close by and doesn't look as good (though I will say I'm very attracted to most women). Granted, there are far worse things in the world, involving oppressed groups, that political correctness is meant to work towards addressing. But I can't help feeling that the same principle is at work. Am I crazy?

The girl probably notices you noticing her, your saying something friendly or playful, just might make her day and will do no harm.

How do I convince myself that it would do no harm when I feel the way I explained in the last paragraph? Any ideas?

If you are introverted (sounds like you are) practice just talking about anything that comes to mind with men you meet. See how that goes.

I'm introverted with men too. It's easier for me to talk to men, but I don't want to offend them, either. I'm guessing this isn't a big part of why you were introverted...I wonder how common my mindset is. But I guess you can see that it's not so easy for me to socialize when I have little practice.

As far as your actual question, Obviously I cant speak for women, but whether its me or a co-worker or the girl watching you interact, what is a reasonable assumption? That, unless you are a monk or gay, if you display interest in a girl there is SOME kind of attraction on a physical level. The longer you take to define your interest, the less confidant you appear, and if theres a hovering feeling to it, it can seem like harmless stalking...not sexy.

This girl at work is very cute, but I'm pretty sure she has a boyfriend; and even if she didn't, I wouldn't want to possibly mess up the very good thing we've got going among our group with a romantic relationship (yeah, I'm a company man, as well ). It's more like...well, I'm not so sure what it is, but it would just really bother me if she thought I was like some creepy stalkerish type guy, rather than the really nice guy that I try to project myself as. That's also why I try very hard not to even look at her except when I say hi and bye.

Keep in mind, even girls that I THINK I am attracted to, and actively and assertively make a pass at, it is not a given that as I approach and try to get next to her, there are things that cool my ardor...We guys DO (occasionally) "friendzone" girls or reject out of hand. If my initial attraction was based on a misread of personality, I don't close. But we aren't even talking closing we are talking approach here.

Yeah, that would be extremely occasional for me. The only way I would "friendzone" a girl is if I had zero physical attraction to her! Maybe something inside me is repulsed by the fact that I care so much about looks, and that's where a lot of this comes from. And (what the hell, I'll let it all out) this is also why I sometimes wish I were a girl...as I would likely be a very attractive girl who would have no trouble finding a partner and, judging by my sisters, wouldn't care nearly as much about looks.

 

[BongoGal]

Why do nice guys finish last? Perhaps it's because it is often considered good manners for the girl to finish first.

 

[ElizaCat22]

Just from my personal experience, all the nice guys I've known finish last because they want the "model" type females instead of someone real.

Just my experience, keep in mind.

 

[J D Danger]

Just from my personal experience, all the nice guys I've known finish last because they want the "model" type females instead of someone real.

Just my experience, keep in mind.

when you say model do you mean ideal. As in the perfect fit for the person or do you mean supermodel.

I ask because the guy who is waiting around for a supermodel seems superficial to me and not a nice guy However many a nice guy tend to try and search for their soulmate

 

[ElizaCat22]

when you say model do you mean ideal. As in the perfect fit for the person or do you mean supermodel.

I ask because the guy who is waiting around for a supermodel seems superficial to me and not a nice guy However many a nice guy tend to try and search for their soulmate

I mean the supermodel type. But not exactly a "supermodel"- someone who is what society considers beautiful. (Like a movie star etc)

I was just giving my opinion based on personal experience.

 

[Superman2008]

I mean the supermodel type. But not exactly a "supermodel"- someone who is what society considers beautiful. (Like a movie star etc)

I was just giving my opinion based on personal experience.

lol... I just want a woman to love me for ME... she doesn't have to be a model. Just have a good heart, sense of humor, and a VERY healthy sex drive.

Not too much to ask is it ? lol

 

[ElizaCat22]

It makes me sad that you nice guys are no where near me.

I married a "wolf is sheep's clothing" (a big a-hole) & have gotten involved with others who are almost as bad. They present a good front and once they sink their claws in, they show their true selves.

All the really nice guys I know aren't attracted to me.

 

[Superman2008]

It makes me sad that you nice guys are no where near me.

I married a "wolf is sheep's clothing" (a big a-hole) & have gotten involved with others who are almost as bad. They present a good front and once they sink their claws in, they show their true selves.

All the really nice guys I know aren't attracted to me.

Oh... well ALL guys can be assholes. I have my good days and bad. I just want to find someone who makes me laugh the rest will work itself out .

 

[ElizaCat22]

Oh... well ALL guys can be assholes. I have my good days and bad. I just want to find someone who makes me laugh the rest will work itself out .

I know they can.


I'm not claiming to be perfect either here. I wouldn't mind finding someone who can provide me all the good emotional stuff without much bad but I'm no longer going to look for it. I'm a nice woman, I finish last all the time, and it gets old.

 

[Superman2008]

I know they can.


I'm not claiming to be perfect either here. I wouldn't mind finding someone who can provide me all the good emotional stuff without much bad but I'm no longer going to look for it. I'm a nice woman, I finish last all the time, and it gets old.

Yep... sounds like we're in the same boat... Wanna go out? lol

 

[ElizaCat22]

Yep... sounds like we're in the same boat... Wanna go out? lol

Quite a commute from Kentucky to Florida... but sure.

 

[mrmphilllll]

I have that feeling all the time but just keep my head up and keep moving forward. Can't get too hung up on that. I am me and I'm happy with me.
Unless I'm alone on Friday night LOL JK

 

[J D Danger]

I mean the supermodel type. But not exactly a "supermodel"- someone who is what society considers beautiful. (Like a movie star etc)

I was just giving my opinion based on personal experience.

I am sorry you had that experience and on a sidenote I am sure there is a nice guy you know that is attracted to you. I bet he is to shy to say anything

 

[eclecticlynx]

One: be confident in who you are: regardless of what society says is the "it" thing. Two: set and keep boundries. No on should EVER think it's ok to raise a hand to another, and no on should accept it. Three: Relationships are WORK. Most people seem to have the idea that they will "fall in love" and it will be perfect from there...WRONG. You will fight. You will have misunderstandings. You will wonder what the f*** you were thinking, and THAT'S OK. Good relationships are work and compromise, and more work, and more compromise. Compromise does not equal "Always give in". It means "Take time to understand, and grow. And let them grow."

 

[ElizaCat22]

Nice guys don't blow a nice girl off without any explanation.
Got another example today. It's sad.

A friend (or so I thought) and I made plans but they weren't confirmed. I got sick so I didn't meet up with him. He apparently got mad about this. Like I can control when I get sick. He won't respond to any of my communication attempts. :'( who needs a friend like that. I didn't even get a message saying "feel better".

 

[HypnosDenied]

Eh, it's not pleasant when people do that. Sadly, I've seen it happen a number of times.

Still, it gives a clear indication of who's actually a friend (or at least who has a measure of empathy).

 

[J D Danger]

Nice guys don't blow a nice girl off without any explanation.
Got another example today. It's sad.

A friend (or so I thought) and I made plans but they weren't confirmed. I got sick so I didn't meet up with him. He apparently got mad about this. Like I can control when I get sick. He won't respond to any of my communication attempts. :'( who needs a friend like that. I didn't even get a message saying "feel better".

if he knew you were sick and still got upset in my opinion he he is not that great a guy

but just to play the other side I had been there you look forward to something and it does not happen so you become disappointed and say something you don't need

this is not an excuse for him, sickness happens a true nice guy would be understanding

I hope you feel better

 

[ElizaCat22]

Thank you, I am feeling better.

 

[J D Danger]

Thank you, I am feeling better.

glad to hear it

 

[MikeyRam]

The girls always want the bad guy...

Bingo, be the bad guy

 

[rcwilliams]

My Opinion on This...

Hello.. I know I'm new to the site, but if I may speak on this topic...

I've been painfully shy myself so I can relate to how some of you guys and ladies are feeling.. nice guys do finish last.. if you don't speak up. Now me myself.. I'm a quiet, soft spoken person who's never had a girlfriend in being on this Earth for 30 years.. now I've been lucky and experience relations with the opposite sex but the last time that's happen and I remember the exact date.. but anyway.. all I can say that if you don't speak up and go for what you want, you'll finish last every.. single.. time. Believe me, I've learned that the hard way until I got that "speak up" advice from my father and sometimes it's still hard for me to this day to speak up and speak out for what I want. If some guys can speak out for it, I'm sure they won't finish last.. and to be honest, I need to take my own advice.

Thank you for your time.

RC Williams

 

[jemmaaaaa]

girls want an exciting guy, nice or bad x

 

[romantic_perv]

girls want an exciting guy, nice or bad x

I can be exciting, I know I can, especially in bed...I'm full of surprises.

I can't speak for all "nice guys" on this (or anything else), but I think a lot of us just get caught up in routines and don't have girls to help us break out of them; so it becomes like a vicious cycle in that respect. But I am going to go skydiving with my cousin, which is something I never would have even considered doing a year ago.

 

[StaciRay79]

girls want an exciting guy, nice or bad x

with me... nice guy got to marry me.

bad boys are lots of fun and that edge of excitement / danger / intrigue / mystery definitely captures my attention, but that wears off once I get to know him. It's the nice guy that got me for the long run.