Why deny an affair when confronted?

[Sunshine]

A male friend of mine who has been married for 18 years and has not had sex with his wife in more than 10 years, is having an affair. About 7 years ago he fell in love with their nanny. That woman, who is also married, moved across the country but they have remained close despite the distance. Now he has another lover who is crazy about him, is getting divorced and wants a real relationship with him.

His wife found an email referencing the relationship with the first lover, but he denied the affair stating "it almost happened, but didn't". I just do not understand why he lied. He and his wife are roommates at best. They can't even go to dinner together as it would be too awkward. No physical or emotional intimacy at all. Absolutely zero connection other than they have kids together. Why not just be honest the next time she brings up the affair and perhaps talk about the reality of their life together? Maybe she will just decide to stay. Or maybe she will wake up out of her stupor and want a divorce. I think he should be honest when confronted and told him so. What would you do?

 

[Oh_That_Guy]

There could be a ton of reasons why he wouldn't want it known. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors or how two people truly feel about one another.
That being said, honesty is almost always the best policy within a marriage. Almost.

 

[Sunshine]

There could be a ton of reasons why he wouldn't want it known. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors or how two people truly feel about one another.
That being said, honesty is almost always the best policy within a marriage. Almost.

He doesn't love her. I think he's afraid of the financial repercussions of a divorce as she makes more money than he does. He's used to an affluent lifestyle. I feel for her though. When I asked him why he denied it, he didn't say anything about protecting her feelings. He said he didn't want her to win.

 

[Sunshine]

Oh, and she accused him of having affairs with 3 other women and she was correct about them all. He denied again. I think she has a lot more evidence than she's letting on.

 

[Oh_That_Guy]

He doesn't love her. I think he's afraid of the financial repercussions of a divorce as she makes more money than he does. He's used to an affluent lifestyle. I feel for her though. When I asked him why he denied it, he didn't say anything about protecting her feelings. He said he didn't want her to win.

You seem very quick to believe someone who has a history of lying and cheating.
Still not really your business though. Poking into any kind of marriage is rarely a good idea.

 

[Sunshine]

You seem very quick to believe someone who has a history of lying and cheating.
Still not really your business though. Poking into any kind of marriage is rarely a good idea.

Not poking. He confided in me. I'm having a hard time understanding why he is lying to her.

 

[jezzilee]

It seems that their marriage was over long ago. If they can't even go to dinner together? How does that make any sense? I think the excuse of staying together for the kids is lame. You either love someone or you don't. You want to be with them or you don't. I know, it is not always that simple, cut and dry, but for me it is. When I am in a relationship, if I feel the need to cheat I am going to exit that relationship instead of cheating on my partner.

Without knowing these people it is impossible to really give an opinion on their situation. I can only say what I would do in these circumstances.

 

[Oh_That_Guy]

Not poking. He confided in me. I'm having a hard time understanding why he is lying to her.

According to you he's a proven cheat and liar. Why are you surprised he's lying?

 

[bronzeage]

He doesn't love her. I think he's afraid of the financial repercussions of a divorce as she makes more money than he does. He's used to an affluent lifestyle. I feel for her though. When I asked him why he denied it, he didn't say anything about protecting her feelings. He said he didn't want her to win.

There's an old saying, the man who marries for money, earns every penny of it.

This guy obviously feels entitled to something he hasn't gotten yet and is determined to hang on until he gets it.

He must have something to offer a woman, since 2 have been willing to have sex with him, knowing he is still married. If this runs true to pattern, they both knew that was all he had to offer.

 

[Sunshine]

There's an old saying, the man who marries for money, earns every penny of it.

This guy obviously feels entitled to something he hasn't gotten yet and is determined to hang on until he gets it.

He must have something to offer a woman, since 2 have been willing to have sex with him, knowing he is still married. If this runs true to pattern, they both knew that was all he had to offer.

More than two. Four that I know of. The most recent has filed for divorce and states her love for him.

He likes the big house and expensive vacations. He wants his kids to have the lifestyle they're accustomed to.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

People marry for all kinds of reasons, and sex is always the least of the attractive factors. Every beautiful lusty girl I dated is now an ugly hag I wouldn't fuck for money. But they have redeeming qualities far superior to beauty.

 

[Sunshine]

According to you he's a proven cheat and liar. Why are you surprised he's lying?

GOOD POINT! Maybe that's it right there. Good one!

 

[Sunshine]

People marry for all kinds of reasons, and sex is always the least of the attractive factors. Every beautiful lusty girl I dated is now an ugly hag I wouldn't fuck for money. But they have redeeming qualities far superior to beauty.

True. She's a cash cow.

 

[Emerson40]

I would wonder why they are still together at all. If it is as dire and miserable as he claims, they shouldn't be together.
And kids aren't an excuse. That is a shitty, loveless environment to raise children.

Clearly, there is more to the story than you know / been told, which is understandable.
Being a fly on the wall or under the bed in their house would give you a better idea of what is really going on, but even then you would not get the whole story.

If this is just gossip mongering, I'd just avoid the situation, as real life has enough challenges and drama as it is.
If I was a friend to both, I'd keep my distance from the situation because it sounds like it is going to get ugly, I'd be pulled into the middle of a shitstorm, and mainly because it is none of my business.
If I was a friend to one of them, I'd call him / her out on their shit (cheating, being a shitty parent, etc), and suggest they smarten the fuck up. I'd probably also spend some time wondering why this person - if they were of shady character and shitty judgement - should remain a friend of mine.

 

[Sunshine]

It seems that their marriage was over long ago. If they can't even go to dinner together? How does that make any sense? I think the excuse of staying together for the kids is lame. You either love someone or you don't. You want to be with them or you don't. I know, it is not always that simple, cut and dry, but for me it is. When I am in a relationship, if I feel the need to cheat I am going to exit that relationship instead of cheating on my partner.

Without knowing these people it is impossible to really give an opinion on their situation. I can only say what I would do in these circumstances.

And here he had the chance to talk about their "situation" and he didn't. It's just so hard to understand.

 

[Sunshine]

I would wonder why they are still together at all. If it is as dire and miserable as he claims, they shouldn't be together.
And kids aren't an excuse. That is a shitty, loveless environment to raise children.

Clearly, there is more to the story than you know / been told, which is understandable.
Being a fly on the wall or under the bed in their house would give you a better idea of what is really going on, but even then you would not get the whole story.

If this is just gossip mongering, I'd just avoid the situation, as real life has enough challenges and drama as it is.
If I was a friend to both, I'd keep my distance from the situation because it sounds like it is going to get ugly, I'd be pulled into the middle of a shitstorm, and mainly because it is none of my business.
If I was a friend to one of them, I'd call him / her out on their shit (cheating, being a shitty parent, etc), and suggest they smarten the fuck up. I'd probably also spend some time wondering why this person - if they were of shady character and shitty judgement - should remain a friend of mine.

They have a special needs child which he says is one of the factors. He doesn't want to disturb the routine with a divorce.

I am his friend, not hers. We both have kids with autism and that is our bond. He's helped me through tough times with my child. Actually that was what we were talking about before he dropped the bomb this morning.

 

[Oh_That_Guy]

And here he had the chance to talk about their "situation" and he didn't. It's just so hard to understand.

There's nothing for you to understand because it's none of your business and it's very doubtful that you know the whole story.
He's been lying and cheating on his wife for years but for some reason you think what he says to you is gospel. That is naive at best.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

He doesn't love her. I think he's afraid of the financial repercussions of a divorce as she makes more money than he does. He's used to an affluent lifestyle.

There's an old saying, the man who marries for money, earns every penny of it.

This guy obviously feels entitled to something he hasn't gotten yet and is determined to hang on until he gets it.

He likes the big house and expensive vacations. He wants his kids to have the lifestyle they're accustomed to.

True. She's a cash cow.

http://e13o13.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/the-love-of-money-is-a-root-of-all-evil.jpg

Hate to say it, but...this family is doomed, no matter what.

 

[Sunshine]

There's nothing for you to understand because it's none of your business and it's very doubtful that you know the whole story.
He's been lying and cheating on his wife for years but for some reason you think what he says to you is gospel. That is naive at best.

You know, you're right. I'm so trusting and gullible to a fault. Always have been.
It's my business because he confided in me. He wanted to know what I thought about the situation. I gave him the advice to be honest which got me thinking about why that is not his inclination ~ hence the question I posted.

You've hit the nail on the head perfectly. He's not an honest person. That's not what he does.

 

[Sunshine]

http://e13o13.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/the-love-of-money-is-a-root-of-all-evil.jpg

Hate to say it, but...this family is doomed, no matter what.

YES, AND I SAID TO HIM, " but what about her?" Maybe if you tell her the truth she could move on and find a partner that she can have a real relationship with.

Doesn't seem to be on his agenda.

 

[Sunshine]

I think I will not offer any further comments to him. The shits going to hit the fan one way or another no matter how long he tries to evade the truth. She's already digging into the finances and noticing he spent thousands on the nanny for christmas last year.

 

[allateup]

A male friend of mine...

Does your husband know you're screwing another bozo behind his back, Sucker?

 

[Emerson40]

They have a special needs child which he says is one of the factors. He doesn't want to disturb the routine with a divorce.

I am his friend, not hers. We both have kids with autism and that is our bond. He's helped me through tough times with my child. Actually that was what we were talking about before he dropped the bomb this morning.

This additional bit of info provides little in justifying or excusing his behavior. If anything, it makes his conduct appear more selfish and deplorable.

Terrible parent first, shitty husband second. How will the routine be affected when, at best, the other husband shows up or more solid 'evidence' comes to light, or worse, an unexpected pregnancy or STD come calling.
He cares little, if at all, about the routine. It is all about him and his weeny peni.

 

[Sunshine]

This additional bit of info provides little in justifying or excusing his behavior. If anything, it makes his conduct appear more selfish and deplorable.

Terrible parent first, shitty husband second. How will the routine be affected when, at best, the other husband shows up or more solid 'evidence' comes to light, or worse, an unexpected pregnancy or STD come calling.
He cares little, if at all, about the routine. It is all about him and his weeny peni.

That and the money. He came from nothing. Now he lives in a big house in a wealthy community and can give his kids everything he never had.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]