Why Cheat?

[Starbuck69]

Im sorry maybe Im just a redneck or some thing but I just dont get it, why cheat? I have been married for over 19 years and and not once have I every even thought about cheating, even when we were argueing a lot I didn't.

Sure I look and but cheat hell NO, I just dont understand why people do it, can anyone explain a good reason that would make it right, because to me it just seems SO SO WRONG.

I really don't understand why people do it.

 

[glynndah]

I think some times fidelity becomes a "Been There, Done That" mindset with a hazy sort of statute of limitations instead of a lifelong (or at least while the relationship is ongoing) commitment to another person.

 

[emap]

According to survey's i have seen the results of and my own experiences, most of the time it's for sexual gratification or mental gratification. Either he or she is a rock in bed so the partner finds someone who isn't, or he or she doesn't fulfill the partners basic need to be adored so they find someone who does and screw them.

Granted the second reason doesn't always lead to cheating, though can and often does.

I'm not much of a cheater, I always left him after being screwed by someone else. Not always because the someone else was better, I have had worse dickings than I was getting from him and still left, because if I am sleeping around on him he isn't doing it right.

Now I am a converted cheater, don't cheat anymore just lay back and take the dicking.

Oh and there is one other reason I have heard of to cheat, he is a player. Granted women can be players to, though we tend to not get married if all we want is a hard cock from different men. Men on the other hand will get married promise to not cheat, and then cheat later.

 

[justindurham]

you've never cheated?

taxes? cards? monopoly? silly games with little kids? estimated value of your goodwill donation? cutting through the gas station at the red light?

 

[SweetErika]

Cheating strikes me as easier... short-term, at least. In most cases, it's a lot easier to find what we need elsewhere than work it out with our partner, or end the relationship. It takes less time and energy than facing reality and dealing with the situation honestly.

Justindurham brings up a good point about other types of cheating, and I think the above applies to other situations as well. It's easier to cheat on a test than study hard for weeks, make creative adjustments on our taxes than pay money we may not have, or cut through that gas station to avoid a red light when we're late.

At least it's easier until the consequences hit. For me, the consequence of guilt, knowing I'd be doing something I believe to be very wrong and breaking my word, is enough of a deterrent. I just know it'd be too hard in the long run, and I'd rather end the relationship than treat us both that poorly. I also don't have a right to risk my partner's life/health without his consent, IMO, so that's consequence I'm not willing to face.

 

[Starbuck69]

According to survey's i have seen the results of and my own experiences, most of the time it's for sexual gratification or mental gratification. QUOTE]

Im sorry I just dont see how sexual or mental gratification is worth cheating, if that is what they want why not just leave and find what you are looking for so that every one can be happy.

you've never cheated? Yes when I was much younger

justindurham,
taxes? No, not worth loosing every thing
cards? No, Im not good at it
monopoly? Not in over 18 years,
silly games with little kids? yes, only because we were making up the game as we went
estimated value of your goodwill donation? No same as tax's
cutting through the gas station at the red light? Sorry not worth a ticket

When my ex and I were still together and we were having a lot of issue's including her sleeping around (cheating on me) another lady kissed me, and when I got home I told her what had happend, sorry I do my very best to be honest

SweetErika, Im sure you are right, I have always thought cheating is in no way worth it, easier perhaps in the short term but not in the long term.

 

[footlongish]

Why don't you ask this question over in Lit Personals ? Nobody is going to come over here and tell you why they cheat. Its taboo here. Too many people with all the answers here. But yet, over there... cheating is rampant. Not that I would know, just that I've been told. Ask them.

 

[Eilan]

Why don't you ask this question over in Lit Personals ? Nobody is going to come over here and tell you why they cheat. Its taboo here. Too many people with all the answers here. But yet, over there... cheating is rampant. Not that I would know, just that I've been told. Ask them.

I think that's an excellent suggestion! Perhaps you're finally getting the hang of this board dynamics stuff after all.

you've never cheated?

My grandmother has a friend who cheats at solitaire (not the computer solitaire). How pathetic is that?

 

[rosebud5446]

^^^ footmouthish eh?

 

[Eilan]

^^^ footmouthish eh?

After your response to Asylum Seekler in this thread, I should think you wouldn't take issue with my bastardization of a Litster's handle.

What the hell? For one, obviously I am "considering the matter" or I wouldn't be looking for help. This is only a recent development, and I'm unsure why I started doing it all of a sudden, but I'm trying to fix it. I appreciate your insight, but I don't need to be 'SLAPPED'. I'm sorry, but it's really pissing me off, that I'm trying to be more responsible, I haven't felt like drinking or partying (not like I did all the time anyway), which is also wierd that I'm having a hard time getting up with the complete lack of partying. It seems the harder I am trying, the more I get bad comments from the people that miss me smoking pot and drinking with them, and from those same people and others, I get criticized for trying to make a difference in it. I'm not trying to snap at you, Assylum, but I'm just really frustrated, and I feel that, even though I am trying to do the best that I can and be more responsible than i ever have, by not even smoking or anything, is the time when I get shat on by everyone.

 

[Cathleen]

We all have different values, as well there are varying degrees we hold those values. Another factor is effort, how much effort is one willing to expend is different for all. I'm sure there are as many reasons as there are people.

In my opinion it's easy to rationalize but it takes effort to hold onto a conviction.

 

[Cathleen]

Why don't you ask this question over in Lit Personals ? Nobody is going to come over here and tell you why they cheat. Its taboo here. Too many people with all the answers here. But yet, over there... cheating is rampant. Not that I would know, just that I've been told. Ask them.

Carried this quote from another thread down the hall.

:gets popcorn. Sits down. Puts feet up on coffee table:

Foot, you might be noticing some people get different responses on the subject of cheating because some are not trying to place blame on their spouse for the problems in the relationships, being honest about their role and don't come accross as wanting a medal or something. I think you got off on the wrong foot and developed a chip on your Lit shoulder... it seems things are better in that regard though and that is great.

 

[Starbuck69]

Why don't you ask this question over in Lit Personals ? Nobody is going to come over here and tell you why they cheat. Its taboo here. Too many people with all the answers here. But yet, over there... cheating is rampant. Not that I would know, just that I've been told. Ask them.

The reason I have the question here is because I have found that in the how to area seems to get most of the questions answered, I personally find that making a marriage work can be very hard at times but is always worth it in the long run.

I also think that it takes two to make a marraige work or for it to fail, so I do every thing that I can to make sure that it works for both of us.

The issue of cheating and being easier doesn't make much sence to me either, it would seem to me that the gult and lies would be a lot harder that just being honest.

 

[BigM]

We all have different values, as well there are varying degrees we hold those values.

I completely agree. We all have our own lines we won't cross. For instance, I would never, ever consider sex with an underage girl, but you see those guys all the time getting caught propositioning youngsters online. Sick bastards!, I think. How can that even appeal to them!?

But cheating? Eh, it's just not that big of a deal to me -- and apparently to millions of others. Like the saying goes: So long as it's between consenting adults.

 

[lettinggo]

I'll fess up. I cheated.

I used to look down on people for it. I was totally convinced that if you wanted someone else that badly, then you needed to end your relationship first. Now I've learned not to judge. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but I understand how ending the relationship isn't always as easy as it seems.

I tried to get my ex-husband's attention in every way I could think of. There were a lot more problems in our marriage than just the lack of sex, but that was a big one. At the same time things weren't good I had become friends with a coworker. He was separated and dealing with a lot of crap from his ex, and we vented to each other often. I knew while I was doing it that it wasn't right, but it was so nice to have someone sit and listen to what I had to say without changing the subject, interrupting, or point blank telling me he wasn't interested (which is what I'd always gotten at home).
I left my job for summer break and started chatting with the coworker on the phone or through emails. I made it very clear that I had never cheated and never intended to cheat on my spouse. It was only a matter of weeks before I didn't resist. Even then I swore I'd never sleep with him, and it was just a few more weeks before I didn't resist that, either.
Several months later I finally managed to tell my ex that I wanted a divorce. I was honest with him that I'd been with someone else, because I knew he was the type of person who could understand that my cheating wasn't our problem; it was the inappropriate way I chose to deal with our problems. Even then he wanted to work it out. I just wanted out. I knew I didn't have a future with the coworker, but now that I'd experienced what it was like to be appreciated and treated like an equal, I didn't want to give it up.
I don't condone cheating. I don't believe I'd ever cheat on the man I'm with now (not the same guy). I think I'd hit a point where I didn't respect my husband enough to resist, and it was because he didn't respect me enough to notice I existed. It doesn't excuse the fact that I wasn't faithful, but that's why I let it happen.

 

[katalynn]

I've cheated a lot of times before my current bf.... sadly. It's been years since I've cheated though. Before when I started this whole seeing guys, it mostly got the point to where I would treat them like they treated me. Use em and toss em. After that be became a search of something.. someone I couldn't find. I'm about to break it off my bf now because I don't feel anything between us anymore. the more I think about it, I don't think I ever did. Also, I finally found what I have been searching for. I haven't cheated on him in the sense of fooling around, I have kept looking. Knowing there was my other half out there somewhere..

But, there's a lot of reasons why people cheat. Some do it just because it's different, it gets them away from reality. Gets them from all the problems they have at home with everyday life. Makes them feel wanted again, letting the other know that they are still good looking, and can actually make a person feel good. The list just goes on, there really isn't any one answer to this question. That's just me though..

 

[footlongish]

Foot, you might be noticing some people get different responses on the subject of cheating because some are not trying to place blame on their spouse for the problems in the relationships, being honest about their role and don't come accross as wanting a medal or something. I think you got off on the wrong foot and developed a chip on your Lit shoulder... it seems things are better in that regard though and that is great.

I find it interesting that you NEED to drag my relationship into this discussion and hit me over the head once again when my comment had NOTHING to do with my relationship.

I got a chip all right. I've learned not to argue with people that live in fantasy worlds and have all the answers. Thus my suggestion that this question be asked over in the real world, ie Lit personals. They might have a different take on things.

 

[Kelmar]

I dunno, really I am not sure that cheating is as cut and dry as you may think it is. I'd admit it I have cheated on my current SO and she is aware of the fact that I did (I told her). It wasn't that I was unhappy with her or our relationship at all. I think she put it best that I was in a sitution where I was lured into it. But I accept what I have done and taken responsibility for it. She has accepted that and realizes that I don't want to be with somebody else. I could easily have just taken the easy way out and blamed it on how much I had to drink, how much a person had been coming onto me for many days straight (oddly enough I didn't cheat on my so with her it was somebody else). On the flip side my SO started dating me when she was still married. So she had cheated on her husband with me.

Since then we have both decided that we want to expand our relationship to include "play" with others. We have talked alot about it and at the first sign of it being a bad thing we will end that as what we have together is more important to us then have a little fun. But as for the why cheat? I would have to say because I think some people don't think the way others do. Some people think of sex or other things as something that is couple exclusive and others just think of it as play.

 

[silverwhisper]

lit personals are the "real" world? my but you are droll.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

I find it interesting that you NEED to drag my relationship into this discussion and hit me over the head once again when my comment had NOTHING to do with my relationship.

I just read Cate's original post to you and the part you quoted multiple times (BTW, it'd be really helpful if you could add the person's name to the quotes so we can identify who you're responding to quickly - just add '=membername' in the brackets, like

), and can't figure out what your basis is for accusing her of dragging YOUR relationship into this discussion. She didn't say a thing about your marriage, only that people get different responses depending on the type of relationship and situation they describe.

This thread, for instance, is a conceptual discussion, and while some have chosen to share their experiences, it's not talking about specific relationships, or a certain situation. People tend to respond differently to this type of discussion as opposed to 'I'm thinking of cheating on my spouse because they're not giving me sex. What do you think?' or 'Cheating is the ONLY option, PEOPLE!'

Anyway, I took Cate's post as complimenting you for getting out of the negative rut you appeared to be in. As usual, she was very positive and polite; it'd be nice if you could come here with an open mind and read what's there, not assume everyone's attacking you, in a similar manner. Even when something does seem snide or like an attack, it's always best to clarify the person's intent, instead of just lashing out, because miscommunications/misunderstandings happen easily in this type of enviroment.

I got a chip all right. I've learned not to argue with people that live in fantasy worlds and have all the answers. Thus my suggestion that this question be asked over in the real world, ie Lit personals. They might have a different take on things.

Yes, I'm sure they would have a different take on why people cheat, but highly doubt their answers would be as comprehensive or well thought-out as the ones I've seen here; if nothing else, simply because this is a more discussion-oriented forum than Personals, and people come here expecting to think and have more intellectual discourse.

If you dislike How To so much, why torture yourself by spending time here?

 

[Starbuck69]

This thread, for instance, is a conceptual discussion, and while some have chosen to share their experiences, it's not talking about specific relationships, or a certain situation. People tend to respond differently to this type of discussion as opposed to 'I'm thinking of cheating on my spouse because they're not giving me sex. What do you think?' or 'Cheating is the ONLY option, PEOPLE!'

Yes, I'm sure they would have a different take on why people cheat, but highly doubt their answers would be as comprehensive or well thought-out as the ones I've seen here; if nothing else, simply because this is a more discussion-oriented forum than Personals, and people come here expecting to think and have more intellectual discourse.

The reason that I put this post in the How To and not the personals is because I was looking for a comprehensive or well thought-out answer as SweetErika said.

I would like to thank every one that has responded it has given me a little more insite.

 

[muddpuppy]

Cheating for me is also unacceptable, I feel that If you desire someone else you should be honest with your partner. I dont want to be lied to, just tell me how you feel and we can work it out.
Myself, I would break it off with someone before i would cheat on them.
I dont want to hide anything in a relationship, and if I'm involved in a short term relationship, I would tell someone before hand whether I wanted to commit to only them or whether I wanted to see other people as well.
That way, you both have a mutual understanding about what to expect from one and other.
I also believe that everyone is entitled to make a mistake and if they do, we could probably work it out the FIRST time.

 

[tanyachrs]

Like the saying goes: So long as it's between consenting adults.

If all the adults involved are consenting, then it's not cheating. I think if you look a little harder you'll find there's at least one peson who didn't consent.

 

[Cathleen]

I find it interesting that you NEED to drag my relationship into this discussion and hit me over the head once again when my comment had NOTHING to do with my relationship.

I got a chip all right. I've learned not to argue with people that live in fantasy worlds and have all the answers. Thus my suggestion that this question be asked over in the real world, ie Lit personals. They might have a different take on things.

Foot, I didn't drag anything here. You posted here, in a pseudo-sanctimonious manner, in my opinion. You implied that the posters here on the HT were 'know it alls' and inflexible with our thoughts/experiences/etc. If you'd take the time to read some threads (on a variety of topics) I think you will find a lot of good information shared, and when advice is requested, it is freely and honestly given.

I think you're still angry that you didn't get what you wanted from the HT crowd. Lit isn't a board where anything goes simply because we can and do discuss sexual issues easily for the most part. It's an adult site... that means we all have different opinions, experiences and values/morals. They don't coincide with everyone and in my opinion they shouldn't. What's a discussion when everyone says the same thing?

You think the Personals are the real world? Please say no, for your sake at least.

I was attempting to give you a 'atta guy' thing but obviously I missed big in your mind.

 

[Cathleen]

If all the adults involved are consenting, then it's not cheating. I think if you look a little harder you'll find there's at least one peson who didn't consent.

Exactly.