Where to start...

[V_Faulkon]

Quick disclaimer: To be honest, if I gave it a little time, I could think of about 50 different questiosn I could ask, but I'm thinking maybe one or two at a time...yeah. I'm sure these questions have been answered on this board already at some point, but I feel better hearing the answers if those who respond are doing so from my own personal point of view, so bear with me.

Also, a lot of these questions don't have to do so much with technique as they do with the social aspect of sex. Not being a very sociable person, it's that particular aspect I'm probably going to have the most trouble with. As such, I imagine my questions will seem rather stupid, but I'm really hoping to get some good answers.


First and foremost, my social life so far has been...well...ah, who am I kidding, I have no social life. Once I'm finally out on my own, I'm hoping to start some kind of relationship with someone.

The problem is twofold: not only do I not know where I can find people (since I'm not really the type to go clubbin' and such), but I'm not sure which relationship I should go for first. So, if you will, what I want to ask is this:

1) What do you think would be the best means to find people I would like on a personal level, besides going out to the typical places, like bars, clubs and such? I know it's an immature question, but I really don't know where to begin. Would asking out someone in one of my classes be a good start?

2) Should I go for a more serious relationship first or just go for a sexual one? On the one hand, starting a serious relationship while I'm a 19-year-old virgin who's been goin' it along, so to speak, for 8 years makes me think I may try and stay with someone for the wrong reasons.

On the other hand, considering my lack of sexual and social experience, if it were even possible to find someone willing to have a purely sexual relationship, it seems very, very unlikely.


Sorry for being so wordy; comes with the profession, I think. I hope someone can anyone help me out, 'cause I'm pretty sure I need it and I know I'll appreciate it.

 

[RuReal]

At first I was going to let some of the older and more long time people on handle this. Then I figured I would take a stab at it.

First as to where to find someone. Well my thoughts are this never rush into anything it tends to lead to trouble. Chances are you are going to meet someone that interests you in your normal life. I do remember trying to club thing myself and it just never worked for me.

When in doubt try Lavalife... It actually does work sort of depends on what you are looking for, but it can jump start the social aspect of things I suppose.

Ohh just a reminder no question is ever a stupid one except for the questions you have that you don't ask.

Asking what kind of relationship you go for first is a bit hard. I don't think most people plan those things it happens. Basically it eather works out or it doesn't step one is meeting someone. Where it goes from there is up to the both of you.

At 19 you have tons of time relaxe take it slow and it will all happen.

 

[Reba67]

I am rather frustrated at "meeting people" as well. I'm 28 now and I don't have a serious relationship at the moment, and I've got this societal pressure to "go out and meet someone". I'm often asked by well-meaning family members "What are you doing to meet people?"

Well, there's no magical place to "meet people". I hate clubs, so that never worked for me. Join a club you enjoy, take a class. Basically, get out there and live. If we force ourselves into going out to "meet people", I think we start to look desperate.

Relax, enjoy life, you'll meet someone.

 

[LadyJeanne]

The key to meeting people is to be curious, and open to talking to everyone. Explore the interest you have, things you're curious about and want to try, whether that's sports or your classes or hiking or writing or whatever.

While you're out doing those things, talk to people and get to know them. You'll make friends. You might meet someone you like, and odds are better than at a bar or club that she'll like something about you too. Even if you don't, you've explored an interest and made some friends.

Also, talk to people everywhere you go. Chat with them in line at the grocery store, at the bus stop, at the coffee shop, with waiters and waitresses. You'll see it's actually pretty easy to start conversations with strangers (it's very easy if you have a genuine interest in people), so when you meet that girl you like, it'll be easier for you to start talking to her.

So go out and have fun, try new things, and talk to people. You'll learn about yourself and what's important to you, and you'll learn to recognize the important things in other people.

 

[Glynnis]

I am rather frustrated at "meeting people" as well. I'm 28 now and I don't have a serious relationship at the moment, and I've got this societal pressure to "go out and meet someone". I'm often asked by well-meaning family members "What are you doing to meet people?"

Well, there's no magical place to "meet people". I hate clubs, so that never worked for me. Join a club you enjoy, take a class. Basically, get out there and live. If we force ourselves into going out to "meet people", I think we start to look desperate.

Relax, enjoy life, you'll meet someone.

I agree. You'll probably find exactly what you are looking for once you stop looking so hard, and start living a life you enjoy. Either that, or you'll be too busy and having too much fun to care. Ultimately, if you're happy and passionate about life, you'll find that you are a lot more interesting to the opposite sex, as well. Good Luck!

 

[V_Faulkon]

So, you guys are basically saying to just go where I'd normally go and look around? Alright then. Sounds good.

Sorry. Like I said, I'm just really inexperienced at this kind of thing in general. To be honest, I really don't have a lot goin' for me in this respect, so maybe I am trying too hard.

Another thing I'd like to ask: assuming I do manage to find someone. Is there any way at all I'd be able to tell if she's ready to have sex with me? I mean, I don't wanna sound like I'm trying to push her in that direction, but I don't want to be going out for a long while and not have anything happen because neither of us is speaking up. Know what I mean?

Are there ANY signs to look for, or is it mostly about lucky timing, or what?

 

[Glynnis]

So, you guys are basically saying to just go where I'd normally go and look around? Alright then. Sounds good.

Sorry. Like I said, I'm just really inexperienced at this kind of thing in general. To be honest, I really don't have a lot goin' for me in this respect, so maybe I am trying too hard.

Another thing I'd like to ask: assuming I do manage to find someone. Is there any way at all I'd be able to tell if she's ready to have sex with me? I mean, I don't wanna sound like I'm trying to push her in that direction, but I don't want to be going out for a long while and not have anything happen because neither of us is speaking up. Know what I mean?

Are there ANY signs to look for, or is it mostly about lucky timing, or what?

Instead of looking for signs, why don't you just ask? Honest communication should be a part of any relationship, sexual or not. All of the "reading the signs" may make for a great romantic comedy, but I sure wouldn't want to live it.

 

[V_Faulkon]

So, you're suggesting I should just go up to her and say, "You know, I have to say I think you're really attractive. Would you like to have sex with me?" You sure? 'cause I don't think all people are as sexually open as the people on this board...

 

[Glynnis]

So, you're suggesting I should just go up to her and say, "You know, I have to say I think you're really attractive. Would you like to have sex with me?" You sure? 'cause I don't think all people are as sexually open as the people on this board...

Some are, some aren't. But you said "assuming I find someone"....I thought perhaps you meant "found", as in, at least had gone on a date and perhaps even had a conversation with, you know, to determine if that person is even someone you want to consider waking up the next morning with....

 

[V_Faulkon]

Well, I do intend to get to know her a little first. I'm just trying to plan ahead. I know I can't prepare for everything, but I'd like to at least get my ducks in a row before I start out. 'Luck favors the prepared', and all.

 

[emap]

OK to be prepared, carry condoms with you, my mom told me that when I moved out, you never know when you will find someone you can't say no to so always carry condoms in your purse, I don't want to bury you. This was back when AIDS was the new big thing and people were a little paranoid about everyone.

Those days are sorta long gone, but still sage advice, carry a condom just in case, and don't worry about when you should ask, you will know when it is the right time for you to ask. Though don't be offended if she says no, people are ready at different times and not all women are nympho's.

Oh if she says no, don't get mad either, let it go say OK whenever your ready and don't ask again for a date or two, nothing more annoying than a guy asking over and over if you want to get laid.

 

[V_Faulkon]

Oh, I'd never get upset by that. I completely understand not wanting to be rushed into this, and I can take 'no' for an answer very easily. I just don't wanna make any major screw-ups and not know it. Y'know, something that'll effectively kill any chance of me having sex again in the same zip code. Word of mouth can be a deadly thing...

I'm sure once I actually start putting myself out there, it won't be so bad. I guess I'm just nervous.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Well dude, I totally get what you are saying, because as I think back I was a lot like you back in High School. I had many reasons I won't go into, but I was very shy about girls. The funny thing is, that after my Junior year I was never without a girlfriend. I never asked them out, they came to me and things just kind of happened. Now these were nice, pretty girls, the kind a lot of guys actively pursued, and I wasn't exactly some adonis, so I couldn't figure out why they were with me. Let me take that back, I knew why they were with me, because I was a nice guy who treated them nice, but what attracted them to me in the first place? The answer was personality. It had to be, because that's about all I had going for me.

All the girls I have ever dated I met through activities. Whether it was Music or Theater, Gaming groups, Karate classes, I met women with the same interests as me. This gave us a connection upon which to build a friendship and things would just happen naturally because I was patient and never pushed on them. OK, who am I kidding, I wasn't patient, I was shy, but it worked for me.

What I would suggest is to get involved in some kind of social club that interests you. Avoid the bar or the club scene because that's not an environment a shy guy can succeed in. You go with your strengths in an environment where you are confident and that confidence makes you attractive. I met my wife just this way, working in the theater. We'd been friends for a while, but I had a girlfriend so nothing ever went beyond friends. Then I broke up wiht my girlfriend, and started looking around. As we talk about it now, she says what first attracted her to me was seeing me run a light hang, the way I controlled the operation and kept it running smooth, and the way I treated her like and equal and not some girl I was stuck with on my crew. Confidence. Of course, what first attracted me to her romantically was when we were carrying a truss and the top 3 buttons of her shirt popped off, but that's another story.

The fact is though, she's the ONLY woman I have ever actually asked out. It was the only time i had to approach a woman and make that first move. Thankfully it was also the last. So how did I have that confidence? Because I was in an environment where I knew where I stood. Being in that theater gave me the confidence that I wouldn't have had a a club on a Friday night. Go with your strengths.

 

[V_Faulkon]

Grazie, Kahuna. That was really helpful. I guess I have to work on my confidence then. The environments I've grown up in weren't really helpful in that aspect, so maybe being someplace new will help me broaden my horizons.

Thanks!